Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Note To Self

Note to self, I'm angry with you! Sometimes when reading articles or other blogs I run across the term self forgiveness, or even self apology. When thinking on these terms, especially regarding being gay and coming out, I feel I owe myself a huge apology, the strange thing is at the moment I can't accept the apology. I have a lot of anger inside regarding how I have acted in the last ten years. I can forgive the younger years, times were harder for gay people then, I was a scared confused gay kid, however I managed to start a relationship during those times so why shut down later. Part of me wants to ask myself, why the anger and that is when the gates open.

I want to yell at myself, I want to ask, when did I feel it was alright to step out of life. When did I get complacent about finding a relationship. Why did I choose to hide. I want to tell myself I should be ashamed for taking the easy road, avoiding conflict at all cost but the cost turned out to be high. Ashamed also for taking the easy road out of shear laziness of not wanting to put the effort into being gay and some of the conflicts that would come with it. Why did I worry what everyone else wanted, instead of what I needed for myself to have a fulfilled life. Why did I lie about my life to please others, to pretend to be part of their world. That is the truth of it, their world, not mine. I was to co-exist with them but in my own social world.

I used to tell myself that I would date a guy if he asked me out, but if I never put myself out there, if I never made the effort, how was anyone suppose to find me. It was not up to someone else to come and rescue me, it was up to me to go out and look for him. I need to say sorry for letting myself go, part of my excuse to not attract men, for never going out and only moving through the straight world, even still! For giving up even before trying.

How could I have been so stupid to let my youth pass me by, to miss the opportunities and experiences that life has to offer only a young person. To place myself in a position where most of the good men that want to settle down are already taken, leaving me to choose from men that have become jaded over time from being exposed to the gay culture too much. Men also that want a relationship but don't want to work towards one, it is now all their way or no way. Why did I not come out to the people who I knew would accept me. Why did I not come out to people who revealed their secret to me. I don't like that answer but I know what the truth is. There is a dark side to my personality, that is I like having power over people. Telling people I'm gay gives my power away and maybe even gives them a weapon. Knowing someone else's secret, makes me feel trusted but also gives power to me. In being too tight with the control over my life, I let it slip away. Note to self, of all the people who should have been looking out for me, you betrayed me the most!


daveincleveland said...

stop it stop it stop it....now who is telling who to relaz......steven you will be fine, you are miles ahead of me, you never got married, you don't have all that baggage, so you never put yourself out there then, but this is now....you are still way young, and from what i can tell in the pic you are damn hot and fine looking...get out there, let people know, let them know your available and one hell of a catch, which you are......you will be fine............happy thanksgiving buddy and thank you for all your encouragment along the way..........like i said,damn fine lookin male

Vic Mansfield said...

I'm right there with Dave. I'm 52 and just gettiing around to this. But I DO know how you feel. I've have really beratted myself for not coming out sooner. If only I had . . . . .

But that's the kind of thing the Serentiy prayer speaks to:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like the past); the courage to change the things I can (like life now, and getting out there); and the wisdom to know the difference (I'm always learning that one!)

As it has been said: Be here now. Perhaps there are many regrets, but it's never too late to have a life.

And, I also agree with Dave, fine lookin', indeed! And, I am very thankful for all you have shared and the many insights you've given me. Go easy.

Anonymous said...

Steven - Just stumbled across your blog and read this entry. Don't beat yourself up. I understand how you're feeling. Been there. I spent a long period of time self-loathing and not wanting to risk. I got fed up one day and decided it was time to overcome my fears and to truly live. And it's never too late. Stop feeling bad for what was and instead rejoice in what is today and what is to come!!!!

I never thought I'd be in a relationship (6 years now) and married for the past two.

Marc from Toronto

Bill said...

Most people, gay and straight, have regrets about the past. As bear me out said, we cannot change the past. The question becomes "will we learn from it?" Keep moving in the direction you have been taking lately, and be mindful of possibilities that will come your way. You have a lot to offer the world, not the least of which is a thoughtful questing mind. Be easy on yourself, but keep moving forward.

Doug said...

Oh boy, do I know how you feel when it comes to self-hate about past behavior. There are things I try to forget, and when I remember them inadvertently, I literally gasp in shame and shock at what I've done. A physical reaction to a memory.

I know no remedy other than this: if a best friend came to you and confessed a misdeed, what would you do? Would you incriminate and berate them? Or would you forgive and console them?

Forgiveness and patience with yourself are the keys.

There is no reason you can't start now doing the things you wished you'd done in the past. If anyone asks why you waited so long, you can honestly say you were afraid but you're determined to move forward despite your fear. Anyone worth knowing would understand that.

There are people out there like you, who haven't been in relationships and want to meet people. People for whom the gay world is just opening up. People who aren't already jaded into their own life pattern. Be patient.

StePHen said...

i have this post inside of me that i have been meaning to blog about but havent yet... its about someone in his 40s that i know that is dealing with his anger for the first time in his life... i think its such a rite of passage and definitely think it can be healthy... just want you to know im thinkin of ya and hope you are well this week :)

john said...

You are not stupid!

You are human.

TWISI said...

slow down and let it happen. there isn't a text book for coming out, just go at your pace and live your life!

Have a happy thanksgiving!

mountii said...

omy god this is almost too deep to handle

mountii said...

i'm still young...in highschool actually...AND I HAVE NOT COME OUT...but even though i'm in highschool i'm still old enough to read ur blog and all, this really opens my eyes...thru. ur like experience and shyt like that...i'm not the most articulate when it comes to blogging but i appreciate ur blog entry....especially this one

in the gay community...Hell in life youth is highly valued so i shall not waste it!!!!!!!!!

W said...

Good lord. Someone needs some cosmos or maybe vodka on the rocks.(I prefer the latter)

You really ought not to berate yourself that way. Look into the past and remember the lessons. Don't be angry or bitter. Very unproductive :)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave, I will I will I will, actually thank you Dave, you are right and your input has helped me feel better, more than you know. Me hot, hahaha! If you only knew me, my friends would wet themselves laughing!

Joe, hugh thanks as well. I just feel I need to give myself a little crap before I move on, I also hope any younger person that reads this will not make the same mistake I did. You made me blush also, yeah just keep wearing those shorts Joe and showing off those hot legs buddy and some guy will be chasing you through those hills!

Marc, so glad you stumbled in! Another Canuck woohoo! Wow six years is a big step from the closet, I always say that I really need to hear great stories like this, I feed off seeing other's happy relationships and it makes me want one for myself.

Bill, as usual you make sense, I will keep moving forward and it helps so much to have you walking with me buddy!

Doug, that really struck me about what would I say to a friend. You are so right, I never thought of it that way, very insightful!

Stephen, I really look forward to reading that post! Thanks for thinking about me, I really think it helped to get this out. I admire the way you hold yourself accountable to, well yourself! I wish I did that more often at your age.

John, out of the whole post you only saw the word stupid? Are you trying to tell me something? Just teasing you buddy (hug). I know we all make mistakes, but I felt that I let myself down.

Kendall, what! No text book! Oh man this is bad news, the trouble starts when I look back, I know, no choice but to move forward.

Mountii, hey welcome buddy! Highschool, wow you are the youngest here. Glad you stopped by and yes I will check out your blog. It would make me happy if you did learn from this, come out when you are ready but don't wait until you are really really old like 26 or something. I hope everyone over 26 is laughing and not hating me.

Erik, could I get orange juice with that vodka? I think I may need it. Hey were you not the brat that was saying something on a post yesterday about really old guys who were like 40! What is that in gay years, like 126 or something? Send all hate comments to...what is your link again? I really need to not pick on you or you will never come back! Hahaha!

Patrick said...

It's frightening how easy it is to step out of life, isn't it. I feel like this is a lesson I am constantly relearning. I've felt recently like I had done the same thing (again) both romantically and professionally. Funny how we can think shutting out the world will make things EASIER. Then the pattern and familiarity starts to build its own pressure... I reinterate what others say here, and you seem to be seeing the wisdom already in treating yourself with patience and consideration, the same way you would (as Doug suggests) treat another friend. I also understand that feeling that telling a secret is giving away one's power. I know when I began to come out, it still felt that way, then a shift happened, where I began to feel a greater sense of power in no longer hiding; I think the secret had begun to feel like it was actually weakening me, holding me back, so letting it go freed up so much in my life. As with any aspect of coming out though, it will be a personal and idiosyncratic journey for you.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Patrick, yes I do now feel that hiding is holding me back. I also feel it takes too much energy to keep up with pretending. I wrote this because I feel that I need to work out some things that I did or did not do in the past to let me move ahead.