Thursday, November 15, 2007

Not This Again!

I'm sitting on my couch, you are the only one in the room that does not know, I love our friendship, you are like my little sister. I want to tell you, I want to say "Elly I'm gay" in fact I planed to tell you tonight but as I start the sentences that will lead me there, my heart begins to race out of control, I think it will break my ribs, I think I'm going to vomit. Why this again?

My closest friends and I decided to go out tonight, drink a little, have a really good meal and after since the restaurant is so close to me, come back to my place after, chat and have desert. The restaurant was loud, really loud so I was looking forward to having them come back here. I wanted to tell Elly tonight, she is one of the very few close friends that does not know yet. I was resolved to do it when she asked me "so Steve find the right woman yet?" Everyone looked at their plates and snickered, including me. This made her suspect something was up but could not guess what we were hiding. Since I almost never drink I was feeling brave from my beer. I thought however I would wait until we got back here, this way I would not have to yell out that I'm gay for the whole restaurant to hear.

While sitting together I began to tell her many times, I was not listening to the people around me and was only half in the conversations. My friends knew I wanted to tell her, they would give me openings and were supportive towards me but I just could not do it. Finally she said that she had to leave, I was frustrated with myself, I was thinking of blurting it out at the door but then I thought it would not give me time to explain myself to her and also the importance of keeping it quiet for now. That is my only fear with telling her, she is bad at keeping secrets and there are people that we both know who I dislike, I would not want them to have that personal bit of information. She said her goodbyes and left, I didn't tell her. I felt like crap after. I had thought I was getting braver with this, I don't know if it is because I have not told anyone for a while that I am gay or if it is the potential loss of control over who knows. I feel like I took a step back tonight, back into the closet, there was that awful feeling of trying to come out to someone, it was bad right in the pit of my stomach like when I first started to try and tell people. I wonder, will it always be like this.


danny/ink2metal said...

you will know when the time is right, it wouldn't surprise me if she doesnt ask you what all the snickering was about during dinner. then you can tell her.

Anonymous said...

Rome wasn't built in a day. Give yourself some slack. The opportunity will present itself when it is right. It does get easier ;)

Vic Mansfield said...

I know it must be difficult. I'm fearful of what it will be like when I get to that point.

Hang in. Trust your gut. Just do it.


TWISI said...

You will know when the time is right, but I recommend you do it one on one, maybe not so much in a group. and I GUARANTEE you it will be easier when you tell!

Creative Thinker said...

I hate to sound like a broken record, but they are all right -- you will know and you will be glad you did it. Baby steps... It took me 6 months before I told my best friend. Hang in there...I'm sending you a hug...

J.R. said...

Reminds me of my post a while bag. It is rough, isn't it? Wondering, too, if it ever gets easier.

Nothing Golden Stays

Bill said...

You sure are evolving when you are feeling more miserable about NOT telling a friend than telling them! I agree with twisi about telling her one-on-one. You will lose control when you tell her because she may blab it to everyone minutes after you part. Losing this "control" is not a bad thing. It will help you gain a "screw them if it bothers them" attitude which will ultimately put you in the driver's seat. When you decide to tell her, if she asks why you didn't tell her when you told others, be candid and tell her of your privacy concerns. Be well and relax, Steven!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Danny, I thought I was over the awkwardness of telling people, I guess it took me by surprise.

Jason, I hope it gets easier. I felt like I was moving backwards instead of forward with this.

Joe, as bad as it was for me, I understand it will be a lot harder for you.

Kendall, maybe you are right, maybe I felt under pressure by being in a group setting.

C.T, thanks for the hug I needed that! All comments are welcomed and broken records sound great when they are stuck at a favorite part! ;)

JR, rough for sure, I thought I was about to toss my dinner. Now however I feel even more silly because while I was being a big chicken, you were showing some major balls by picking up two guys that may have been straight! I'm so proud and envious of you, and to anyone else reading this I recomend clicking on JR's link and reading his awesome first kiss story, way to go!

Bill, I think the control thing is what I worry about. I like to be in control of my life and don't want to give it up to others. I thought I was getting the "screw them" attitude but I guess not. Maybe I'll wait a little longer with her until my skin is a little tougher.