I'm sitting on my couch, you are the only one in the room that does not know, I love our friendship, you are like my little sister. I want to tell you, I want to say "Elly I'm gay" in fact I planed to tell you tonight but as I start the sentences that will lead me there, my heart begins to race out of control, I think it will break my ribs, I think I'm going to vomit. Why this again?
My closest friends and I decided to go out tonight, drink a little, have a really good meal and after since the restaurant is so close to me, come back to my place after, chat and have desert. The restaurant was loud, really loud so I was looking forward to having them come back here. I wanted to tell Elly tonight, she is one of the very few close friends that does not know yet. I was resolved to do it when she asked me "so Steve find the right woman yet?" Everyone looked at their plates and snickered, including me. This made her suspect something was up but could not guess what we were hiding. Since I almost never drink I was feeling brave from my beer. I thought however I would wait until we got back here, this way I would not have to yell out that I'm gay for the whole restaurant to hear.
While sitting together I began to tell her many times, I was not listening to the people around me and was only half in the conversations. My friends knew I wanted to tell her, they would give me openings and were supportive towards me but I just could not do it. Finally she said that she had to leave, I was frustrated with myself, I was thinking of blurting it out at the door but then I thought it would not give me time to explain myself to her and also the importance of keeping it quiet for now. That is my only fear with telling her, she is bad at keeping secrets and there are people that we both know who I dislike, I would not want them to have that personal bit of information. She said her goodbyes and left, I didn't tell her. I felt like crap after. I had thought I was getting braver with this, I don't know if it is because I have not told anyone for a while that I am gay or if it is the potential loss of control over who knows. I feel like I took a step back tonight, back into the closet, there was that awful feeling of trying to come out to someone, it was bad right in the pit of my stomach like when I first started to try and tell people. I wonder, will it always be like this.