Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I Lost My Ass!

I lost my ass, has anyone seen my ass? I noticed this morning getting out of the shower. It was my one good body quality, I used to have a good set of buns. Girls often liked to pinch, grab and tweak the cheeks. I did not mind the attention, it was all in fun and not harassment. It is gone now, I don't know when I lost it and I look like a lot of my Asian friends who keep pointing out that they have no ass or a flat ass. Hmmm, actually that makes me wonder if they suspect something and are afraid of me, why else would straight Asian guys be so eager to line up and show me they have no ass and then laugh about it. I should scare them with the comment "well there is still a hole in it right" if they suddenly look nervous I will know. Anyway back to the buns, oh wait a minute, there they are, they seem to have joined together, moved around front and up higher to my stomach! Skinny guys should not have a pot belly!

This whole coming out process has me a lot more self conscious about the way I look than I ever was before. I thought girls were demanding about good looks but you gay bitches are waaaay more catty! I was even reading a post where some of my favorite younger blog writers wrote about one guy not being good looking enough to have the hot boyfriend he had. Well look here you evil little gay children of the corn, maybe he just treated him with respect and saw him as more than a good ass or body. Naaah, we all know that is not true, the ugly gay guy was either rich, had a huge penis, was wild in bed or like the guys said the good looking one was a rent-boy. I just thought since I am not too ugly that the gay community would just open it's arms and be glad, or make that lucky to have me. Yes a little conceited of me but I was raised amongst straight men and was taught, gay men wanted sex with any man they could get. Well I have had my eyes opened. Just where did all these hot gay guys come from! When I was younger, even a lot of guys in gay porn were certainly not that hot. This makes me realize that a lot of the hot football, baseball, hockey jocks that teased us and put us down, were actually into penis as well. Thanks for making a lot of us feel inadequate, you bastards! Now here they are again making me feel less than, by being so frigging hot in the bars. Grrrrrrr, this means I will have to work out. I don't want to, I think I need to shape up before I start going to the gym. How embarrassing if an eighty year old lady bench presses more than me.

I could actually use a little help on clothes and shoes also. Since most of my stuff comes from Sears, the wardrobe is not too gay friendly for me going out to a bar and looking cool. Any suggestions on shoes? I was thinking black shoes go with everything, yes? What is nice and where to get it? What about clothes for a guy above thirty? Any suggestions are welcomed. At the moment I sort of look like a gay farmer dressed for church.

Sometimes getting into shape is harder for thin guys, most routines are geared towards losing weight, if I lose any more weight I will be a pile of dust like on Buffy "poof" gone! I think poof has a gay meaning for my English readers, ha! Anyway I guess I should join a gym, blah. I sometimes think I should take before and after shots to see if any progress is made, but there is no way will I put them on here. Like I said this means I will have to work out. The truth is I don't want to but if I don't get my cute ass back again nobody is going to want to tap it!


Bill said...

You are so funny!

S said...

Don't worry.

I'll take you shopping.

You'll pay, of course.

daveincleveland said...

personally i think gay farmers are freekin hot!!!!!! you'll laugh but i buy alot of my clothes at target...#1 less expensive and #2 they look good......

daveincleveland said...

oh and come to cleveland anytime and we'll go shopping....lots of places to go here....just can't find them yet.........

Steve said...

Well you know, men are just men. Men are very visually oriented and like to look at nice things or nice looking people.

When it comes down to that, the difference between gay and straight men is just very small.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bill, well I either have to laugh or cry, so might as well just laugh about it.

Steven, if I come down to your area, its a deal! You look way cool compared to me.

Dave, we don't have Target here plus you have been living amongst straight men so I don't trust your style! Hahaha! You are actually not that far from me compaired to the others.

Steve, wow look guys another Steve! I have this idea where every other gay guy is named Steve and so far it is starting to look that way! Welcome to my little blog and I will totally agree with you. Whether straight or gay, men go for the eye candy. If you don't mind I'll just read your english blog! XD

Kendall, so are you trying to make me feel better? It is not working! ;)

Anonymous said...

"evil little gay children of the corn" - frickin' hilarious!

and remember, it's not how hard or firm it is on the outside, it's about what it can contain on the inside ;)

by that i mean, melons and rounded fruits of course...

what were you thinking? hahaha

Doug said...

To get a good ass, you have to squat. And squatting is always more fun when you're squatting on something. Oh, that's naughty!

When picking a gym, if they look at you funny when go in, you might want to choose another gym. Everyone has to start somewhere, and a supportive crowd always helps. And no, you don't have to get in shape before you go to the gym. That's like cleaning before the maid comes.

I'm the wrong person to ask for clothes advice. I'm a jeans-and-t-shirt kinda guy. I wear vans or sneakers of some kind. I own a couple tighter-fitting t-shirts I wear to bars, but it's still in jeans and vans.

I'll show you my before and after if you show me your before and after.

Paul said...

I think we need to call lost-and-found. Somebody may have turned it in.

K said...


As I was reading this I was like "ya know what....Steven is totally talking about me right now."

It's ok, I still love you. HAHA! But one of the posters before me said, men are extremely visual...much more so that women. So I guess that is why we are so into looks. Although for me personally, I'd take a so so hot guy with a great personality over an Abercrombie model with nothing of substance to say.

You will be fine buddy. If only I was in Canada now...I would take you shopping. It would be like Queer Eye For The Queer Guy...or something to that effect. LOL!

Dude....go to Club Monaco...they have fun, classic clothes that are well made and never go out of style. You will look great!

Java said...

My father has no ass. I've known him all my life and in all that time he never has had an ass. I think he was 27 when I was born, though I don't recall exactly what his ass looked like then. My youngest brother is built just like Daddy. No ass. I sometimes (out of his hearing) refer to Daddy as the ass-less wonder.

Vic Mansfield said...

I give thanks that a) I am a bear; and, b) I like bears. I don't have to worry about what the cute, hot twinks think. I guess I have an ass, I know I have a pot (but not too big).

For your basic bears, jeans and flannel suffice nicely. Shoes? are you kidding me? I have a size 14 foot (no jokes please, and of course it's true), so with shoes it's "what have you got in my size." Limited selection, way limited.

I am one gay man who lacks the fashion gene. I'm glad I'm a bear!

Anonymous said...

im with k. lots of similarities.
- eliot

danny/ink2metal said...

hey steven,

from your profile pic you look just fine. absolutely fine!

i say you just get out there and get yourself a pair of tight jeans to squeeze your ass back into a bubble-like shape. LOL

too bad you are so far away. i love shopping. we would have a great time shopping in san francisco.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Why? Why could I not have a pastor like you when I was a teen! Good luck starting your new life out west!

Doug, Lol! Kind of sounds like a fun way to get into shape! I know it is like cleaning before the maid comes but a friend of mine joined a gym and they put him through a lot to see what level he was at. I would hate if they started to laugh at me. I will have to think about the before and after pictures.

Paul, no it is okay buddy, I found it under my shirt, you know around the belly button area! O_O

K, yeah I luv ya to buddy, haha! Its okay I knew you guys were just talking, I was getting a kick out of the stories! So like a straight girl you are saying men are pigs! Ha! I know we all go for the eye candy. Thanks for the tips bud.

Java, that is funny in a nasty way!

Joe, woof! I love all animals, bears are cute! From the pic I see baby's got back! Size 14 yikes! I don't have to say anything, we are all thinking it, hahaha, oh you are going to so hate me for teasing you like this! I like to dress both ways, sometimes dressed up to go out and sometimes dressed to chop trees, pile wood.

Eliot, hey welcome to my blog home!

Danny, tight jeans huh? Is that not a seventies thing? Man I should take a trip through the States just to shop! Like most Canadians are doing right now because of your low dollar. ;p

Will said...

Steven, don't do this to yourself--the last, lovely post about meeting a nice guy and now you're worrying about the body and fashion Nazis!

The average gay man, no matter what the glossy mags and the billboards make you think, isn't built like a fashion model or a gym rat. And relationships are built more on goodness than gorgeousness.

Sure, you want to be reasonably fit and nicely turned out; sure it's great to have a guy in the sack and have him look up (or down, as the case may be) and see a nice body. But don't think that bars are the only places to meet men--sometimes they can be the worst places. Check out the gay publications in your area and see if there are primarily social gay events in the area.

I'm with Danny--you look just fine and shouldn't get too freaked about body and image issues just as you're getting your feet wet in a large, varied and delightful new world.

And yes, those squats do work--particularly the one's Doug was referring to. :-)

Pete said...

Hmmm, clothes... you've come to the right place, even though I think K is also quite a competent dresser...

Yeah, poofs r us. Even though the 'stralians like to use that word rather frequently.

As for looks, I'll admit I'm shallow. I'm willing to compromise though, sometimes...

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Will, I guess you are right just that lately I don't feel that I can compete, most gay guys seem so hot. Don't worry I will not go over board, I just want to be in better shape, plus these squats sound like fun but I need an exercise partner, any takers? I think I will be in trouble over that one!

Pete, one of my favourite poofs! Your just being honest, we all go for looks first. Man it would be fun to take a trip over the big pond and shop with you!