Saturday, December 8, 2007

The Reality of Us

Mostly this last week I have only talked about the mutual coming out between my friend Lyn and myself. We still have not gone to a bar yet, she is suddenly feeling nervous about it, I completely understand and will give her space, as her sister and I are the only ones she has told so far. I have not really mentioned that much about what else I have been up to. I had placed an ad on a local site for gay and lesbian people. I have met someone through the site, we have been emailing back and forth to each other and he seems really nice. I did not mention it that much because if he changed his mind on meeting then it would have been embarrassing to have to explain that here in this blog. We have exchanged pictures, he called me on Friday and we spoke on the phone for a while. Tomorrow (Sunday) I will go to meet him for the first time. I am a little tense, he will be the first gay man that I will meet who already also knows I am gay. Part of me thinks, wow I will actually get to meet a real live gay man, and part of me thinks, oh shit I am going to meet a gay man!

I am not sure where if any place I am going with this meeting. I did not want to put any pressure on my first meeting so I told him that I just needed a gay friend, someone to talk to. He said he is looking for a relationship but also friends. I said we can see where it goes and I am open to the idea of a relationship. However I told him that I don't feel ready for a relationship, if a person is ever actually ready or not, I think it just happens. I said it would not be fair for him to have to deal with my coming out issues. He told me that he is only out to close friends and some brothers and sisters. I feel a little more relaxed in that he is some what the same as I am with being out, low-key for now. He is a few years older, clean cut and not bad looking. Even if nothing comes of this, I hope to make a friend and open a door to other gay friends, more gay male friends that is, I am sure I must have hit my quota on lesbian friends.

There is part of me that does not want to meet him, part of me feels there is no reason to meet him, part of me feels that I am betraying one of the best friends I ever had (we'll call him John) and that is the reason for not wanting to meet the new guy, not out of fear but out of loyalty to someone far from me. I have mentioned before that I became close to another blogger, actually "close" is not a strong enough word for the bond between us. We can and do talk about everything, including this meeting tomorrow. I always tell John everything so that I can be as honest as possible with him. John knows that I would rather be meeting him but we both understand at this point in our lives, us being together is impossible, he said we have to accept the reality of us and I agreed, I have given up enough of my life already that I don't want a relationship where I only see him a few times a year at the most, that would be torture. As usual John was understanding and said something that really made me think. He said our goal when we became friends was to support and help each other to come out and lead the life we were suppose to lead. He said my happiness was the most important thing to him and that he supports me in this next step to living out of the closet. Now how can you not fall for a guy like that.


don said...

Good luck tomorrow Steven.

Scott in Iowa said...

Good for you Steven! Baby steps...

daveincleveland said...

one more step for you my friend to totally living who you are and who you were meant to be....its so cool to have a friend like john,hoping to accumulate some friends like that here in town,that will help me network more into the community that i long to be part of

Bill said...

Whee! A date! Or a date-lette. I hope you have fun. You are moving along, and that's great.

Jess said...

it would have been embarrassing to have to explain that here in this blog

Certainly, you should share what you want and only what you want, but don't think most of us haven't had such things happen to us many times. People get dumped, stood up, fooled, etc., etc.

But then people also meet great friends and sometimes even fall in love. So if you want to lay it all out there, I, for one, certainly understand, no matter how it goes.

And I'm sorry for the angst over John, but try to make the best of the situation, and don't feel guilty or stressed. You both know the reality of the situation. What's meant to be will be.

Patrick said...

It's 8:30pm on Sunday night, so I wonder if you're chatting with your new friend right not. It sounds like you're taking things slowly, and checking in regularly with your feelings, which is the way to go. It also sounds like you have John in your life the only way you can right now; it doesn't sound like he thinks you're being disloyal at all. Make friends! And keep us posted.

Matt in Argyle said...

Good for you, I hope the meeting went well!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Don, thank you! Wow you must be in some insane shape, I think I have done wonders if I walk for an hour, then I check your blog and suddenly feel very lazy.

Scott, I guess I will get there sooner or later. Hopefully sooner.

Dave, I hope to also at least get to meet others out of this friendship.

Bill, started off as a date-lette but ended up as a date, or more like just hanging out together, not really a date I think.

Jess, thanks but it was not that I would feel shame, more like if I started to build up the story of meeting and then it suddenly ended, it would seem silly and knowing my luck he would never show up.

Patrick, actually I had just come home when you commented but we had spent the day together instead of a few minutes so I think it was a good sign. My John is a sweet guy, he understands and tells me I am not disloyal, he says he just wants me to be happy. He is a huge reason that I felt I could start to come out and also start to blog.

Matt-cns, thanks buddy and I hope things are going well for you also. I will really miss your blog if you stop writing but I understand.