Friday, August 3, 2018

Where do I go from here?

 When I started this blog I was a scared little gay rabbit hiding in my fake straight closet. Talking about it with other bloggers helped me out of my obsessive self-hating frame of mind. Like many gay people admit, you are always coming out but I'm ok with that for the most part now. Trying to meet other gay people and also trying to date is still difficult but it's not something that stresses me the way it used to. Most times it's more annoying than stressful. Before this blog, my sexuality was something that was always gnawing at the back of my mind, like a small sliver stuck in my finger, no matter what I did, it was always there.

Thankfully that has changed, I actually like it when someone asks if I am gay, it's just so easy to say yes and move on. The thing that is bothering me most now, is the realization that I am getting older,  there are changes happening and unlike puberty, they are not exciting. I don't want to become "the old whiner's blog" but the scary thing about getting older is that there is no solution, blogging about it won't help. I email a couple of older blog friends with questions and they depress me by being honest...... lol, it's not the answers that I want to hear. I'm not ready to be old yet, I still feel like a kid some days, although to be honest a kid to me is someone in their twenties. I think I have been lucky so far, I know I look young for my age and I have been lucky health wise but that's not going to last. I was thinking this morning that these days after a good night's sleep, when I wake up, I am stiff and sore and not refreshed like when I was younger. I'm afraid to watch any reruns of the golden girls in case I can relate to the episode. If I was a calendar year, I think I would be the last week of August or maybe that's denial talking, maybe  I'm the second week of September. Darn it!

 Where do I go from here, I will probably blog about issues, I will try not to dwell on them. "Age is just a number" is a phrase young people use as they approach their middle age, I can tell you getting older sucks and it might be just a number but when your number is up, cute little phrases don't work anymore. I now understand why old people are so grumpy.


anne marie in philly said...

I am 64, look 40, think 40. sure I have stiff knees but I don't let it get me down, I just kick its ass!

an I CAN DO ANYTHING attitude is what you need after 50. and (in my case) I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!

Deedles said...

I'm 62. My parents died at 51 and 54. When I hit 55, Balder Half breathed a sigh of relief that I passed my parents' ages. I can go anytime now, having passed those landmarks. My oldest son is three years younger than Maddie. I kept calling my sleeping bag a seat belt (at least I got the initials right). Old age was always something that I hoped to live long enough to see (I think that is a line from some old country song). I've earned every hair on this somewhat large head, dammit! I get my eye injection today, and I make it a point to make the doctor and his staff laugh and enjoy my company (something I couldn't do when I was young and too shy). Find the positive, kiddo. Don't think about your age, work around it or as Anne Marie put it so succinctly, kick its ass! I love her and her roaring!

John Going Gently said...

You are more or less out sweetie , !!!!! Keep going dearheart

Mistress Maddie said...

Don't think of it as getting old.

"There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”

Old Lurker said...

Old people are so grumpy because young'uns keep whining that they are so old! You aren't ready for the glue factory yet, whippersnapper.

Christina said...

Growing old isn't easy for some people and yet for others it matters not and for some this earthly journey can't end soon enough.
We are all different. I think growing old is a privilege denied to so many people. I love life. Yes I have good days and bad, both physically and mentally as do millions of other people all around the world.

My 92 year old aunty had a tenacious grip on life and used to make us laugh with her stories of "the old people" that used to visit her. She was years older than any of them! In her own mind she was soooo young.

It's all about attitude and sometimes that has to be cultivated.

On a personal note, and I only tell you this as an example, I had a serious brush with death aged 49 and I'll tell you what, I'm so fucking glad that I survived and that I'm 58 and I'm going to be 59 very soon.

Age can free us from a whole load of insecurities. It's a key that unlocks so much good stuff. We just have to realise this rather than thinking age is the enemy.

Now I'm not so naive that I think that growing old with medical issues is easy, it's not but there's joy to be found in most situations.

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a diatribe.
Just remember no one gets out of here alive. Enjoy the journey, if you can. Xx

Ur-spo said...

Tut. Old grumpy gays were grumpy to start with. It is corny cliche but positive attitudes do translate into positive well being - and longer and more meaningful lives. It doesn't negate the spreading waist, graying hair etc but it makes a difference.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

I appreciate all the comments. One thing I do like about getting older is that you really don't care what people think. There are more younger people now so what do they know, they can't even keep their pants from falling down.