Friday, August 17, 2018
Sometimes a day can turn out negative and you didn't see it coming, it's supposed to be just another ordinary day but it just keeps disappointing you until you see a pattern.
Yesterday started innocent enough, I was supposed to stop by the nursing home where mom is and sign a few papers. It turned into a half hour meeting regarding mom's care. Mom has been declining in both physical and mental health the last few months, within the last few weeks she has really gone down in her mental capacity. We talked about maybe having to place her in a different type of home. I also came away with the sense of assault to her dignity. I didn't expect to be driving away gulping down big mouthfuls of air to keep from crying, that often seems to be the new norm for me now.
I planned on meeting someone I have been communicating with. It was the guy that I had posted about, I had forgotten to email him for a week and hurt his feelings, I felt horrible because he seems really nice. I tried meeting him before but our schedules were out of sync. His pictures were ok, I started to see him as more than a friend potentially because his character seemed really decent. He was definitely a little odd but in a cute way, not a creepy way. I myself am odd, I know it and embrace it now as part of who I am, therefore I am accepting of people that others overlook, sometimes there is a great friendship just waiting for you to discover, you just have to ignore the Star Trek t-shirts or butterfly collection with individual names like Ethel or Mildred. He told me not to judge him by his pictures, that they were terrible and that he looked better, I said not to worry, the pictures were ok and that happens to everyone.
I got lost on my way to meet him, road construction sent me into an unfamiliar area with many one way turns that kept taking me further and further away like some bizarre torturous film. Finally I got back on track and some how the gay fairy godmothers using pixie dust, suddenly landed my car in the correct parking lot. I actually arrived before him. I was thinking this guy could actually end up being "the one" because life is funny like that and I really like him as a person, he seemed very genuine, at least in emails and chatting with him. However as soon as I saw him, I felt inside something drop, it was disappointment, I remember thinking, "awww that's too bad, there is nothing there to work with". I have absolutely no attraction to him what so ever.
He is easy to talk to but doesn't make eye contact very often. His picture was actually a lot better, I didn't feel any spark. He still was the same genuine guy that I got to know from emails and I felt he is a decent person. We talked for a long time and as we parted ways I could tell he liked me. He nervously asked if I would email him to let him know what I thought. I felt bad because I know that he has probably been treated really rudely by gay men and probably figured I would go home and ignore him. Then he sealed the non deal, he gave me the soft noodle handshake, ugh how I dislike that, I find it worse than not shaking my hand. That evening however I said it was nice meeting him (which it was) in an email, he wondered about continuing on towards a friendship, I accepted because I want gay friends, I will have a talk with him however if I think he wants more.
After I went to see my sister and we discussed mom and what we need to do going forward. More unpleasant conversations, more shaking our heads in disbelief as to how things turned out. Finally I came home and opened the mail, there was a letter from the government saying it reviewed my taxes and has decided that it wants more money, more more more money, never mind the giant companies that horde billions in tax loopholes, they have people pouring over my numbers to make sure I don't squeak by with an extra ten dollars. Hopefully today will be better.