Monday, August 13, 2018

The Hazards of Country Life.


 As evening fell I engaged in battle with a pair of pigeons determined to build a nest and create more of their spawn. They picked a spot right above the barn door, this way it only added to my dislike of the horrid creatures, every day I have to walk through their mess and worse... you better wear a good hat! Now some people describe pigeons as flying rats, I wouldn't go that far, after all... rats have feelings too! They do carry diseases, lice, mites and it's believed the virus that causes zombies... but that's still in the testing phase.

 One of my weapons is a frisbee, while they fly up four stories out of my reach, they love to line up on the roof and look at me, as if to say, "stupid human, can't touch me, can't touch me, I shall poop on your head"! That's when the frisbee comes out, scares the statue droppings out of them. They think I learned to fly and I am coming after them. Usually you have to wait a few minutes and they will come back, it takes about three tries before they will leave, unless you waited too long and they laid eggs.

 I was waiting for a third pass when I had to pee urgently, it was getting dark, no one was going to see me so I shoved down my shorts and began marking my territory, I was watching the sky not paying attention when I looked down. A giant mosquito had landed on the side of my penis, (hehehe, I said penis) and I could tell it was trying to find the best spot to strike, not the kind of sucking I would welcome, (sorry bad pun). Anyway the penis is not a body part that you would whack, umm slap...... umm let me rephrase that, it's not a body part that you would hit. I grabbed the pest between my fingers.... and then I let it go because it's only doing what our mother earth had intended it to do. No just kidding, I introduced its face to its asshole as I crushed it into molecules. I checked for damages but my penis looked fine, no redness or swelling, something very out of the ordinary for a man's organ. They say it's only the females that bite, big mistake to land on a gay man sister, I am very defensive towards anything that wants to shrink that part of me.

18 comments:

Old Lurker said...

I am surprised you use a frisbee and not a gun. Isn't shooting your problems the country way? Groundhogs eating your brassicas? Shoot them. Raccoons digging the foundations of your house? Shoot them. Aggressive roosters? Shoot them and turn them into soup. Bad first dates from Internet flakes on Grindr? You know what to do. Why would pigeons be any different?

Which brings up yet another reason you should stay on the farm. We have indoor plumbing here, and it can be tough when country folk bring their urination habits to the city.

John Gray said...

That's the oddest post I have read this week xx

anne marie in philly said...

it's 6:35a and you made me spit coffee on my screen!

Walter said...

I so would have loved to sit on the porch and watch this all unfold. Especially the part where you pull down your shorts. Hmmmmm :-)

Deedles said...

You do know that a pigeon is just a much maligned dove, don't you? So they poop, carry disease, mites and lice, who doesn't? Is it that they're bigger than the average dove? Are you fat shaming pigeons? I bet they hired that mosquito for protection. They've probably seen you pee outside before and just waited for their moment! Poor little kamikaze skeeter! You could've at least let her have a last meal before offing her! How heartless, Stim! Yeah, I said it, STIM! You briefly brought me out of commenting hibernation with this outrage, little Stimmie! I'm going to the dentist this morning. Maybe that will calm me down.

mistress maddie said...

If you wanted some penis action and satisfaction you should have called!!!

Pigeons. When I go to new York and see them I call them city chickens.

Richard said...

A hawk will chase the pigeons away. Did some dirty American tell you can pee in the yard? Their country has gone to hell since that idiot took over.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

OL, only you could take a light hearted post and turn it into an agenda driven rant, what are you spouting on about now??? Lol. Do you really think I am going to be firing bullets at the barn roof? Bullets cost money a frisbee is a cheaper and an eco friendly way to combat poop from the heavens. Plus we don't go shooting up the country side, we do take care of problems that come to us. As well, I lived in the city, I know you are incorrect, I saw more public urination and procreation than I ever saw in the country. :p

Sooo-this-is-me said...

John, then mission accomplished!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anne Marie, then mission accomplished! Hahaha!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

I would have had my back turned to you, so you would have gotten the plumber's view.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Oh poor Deedles, did you not know that pigeons are doves evil twin? Notice what the first three letters spell? I don't think that was an accident! I'm just glad you didn't say something really mean like maybe the mosquito only looked big because it landed on something small.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

I showed my girls your comment, the hens were very upset at being compared to pigeons, they said, "what the buck buck does city girl know"!
I think you would wear me out but I'm coming down to take pictures when CB comes to visit you!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Richard, I like dirty Americans, no I learned to pee outside when I was little. I did have a dirty American tell me to touch myself in a very private way! These pigeons aren't afraid of hawks, they know how to avoid them.

Deedles said...

Steven, (I've calmed down, no more Stim) every time you say my girls I think of that chicken pimp Muppet, Gonzo. And, speaking as a dirty American, I thank you for your support! Having raised sons, I think peeing outside is a male thing. Figuring out that they could pee outside (emergencies only) got them potty trained quicker.

Old Lurker said...

Agenda driven rant?! Light-hearted post!? I'll have you know that an innocent insect lost its life for the sake of your art.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, well... my bitches better be giving daddy'o some eggs or there's gonna be trouble! ;) lol.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

OL, I don't think you can call this mosquito "innocent" when she had her mouth on my penis!