My film review.

 Steve like film.

My gift to ME! :)

 One of my friends jokes in a "dark humour" kind of way, that she has to buy her own Christmas gifts because her Santa died. I joke back and say that my Santa got Alzheimer's and I have to buy my own Christmas gifts as well. My sister and her partner started something similar this year, they bought all their own gifts this year and then gave them to each other to give back on Christmas. This way they explained giggling, each person received exactly what they wanted and in the right size. No hassles, no returns, no unwanted gifts. They did however; throw in a few surprises, just to keep things exciting.

 I forgot to get myself something this year, I didn't think of it until we were opening up gifts at my sister's place. No big deal, there will be sales all week plus less crowded in the stores. Today I had to return some items and run a few errands. Then I decided to buy myself something. Looky what I got myself for Christmas!!! :)

 I'm pulling on my new lounge pants, getting into a snuggly sweater, making myself a huge cup of hot chocolate (the real stuff) and some homemade cookies and enjoying this. I wish you could join me. Movie review tomorrow... lol.

Ten.

 I'm not a religious person (anymore) but I still like to celebrate Christmas, to me it's more about traditions, family and friends. I never know how I'm going to feel about the day as there have been many negative changes in my life these last few years. I am training myself to see the holiday for what it was intended, a fun cheerful time to break up the darkest days and impending winter. I don't mean to take away anything from people who see it as a holy time, it's just a fact as to why so many religions hold special holidays with lights, gifts, feasts around this time of year.

 I didn't go to mass Christmas eve this year. I usually go as part of the tradition, I had stopped for a while but I found that I was missing something and so started again years ago. I mostly went to hear the choir and see old friends who came home for Christmas. Last year however I realized that I no longer enjoyed it, the tradition was lost. I was alone, I have no family. I don't know most of the people who come now, there is no more choir to speak of, they put it at five o'clock and there was a chorus of wailing kids who have never been to mass since last Christmas, with parents that had no control of the situation. Instead of a gathering after, everyone now rushes home to Christmas eve dinner, as I drove away last year I said to myself, "sadly this is my last time going".

 This Christmas was good, mom was able to leave the home for a day out, my sister lives a little more than an hour away and we go there for Christmas day lunch, it's always been our tradition that the big meal is at noon. Mom was in a happy mood, we enjoyed ourselves, sometimes she was in her own world and sometimes she was with us, each year it's less but we take what we can get.

 This year was another unbelievable marker in time for us. This was Christmas number ten without my Dad. Where did the time go, I remember blogging about it, that one day it will be year ten and now, here we are! I really miss him at Christmas because he could be the biggest kid of us all at Christmas. I often joke that he was my eating buddy, we both liked the old style Christmas cakes, cookies and desserts. Most people these days only want the store bought goop so there is no point in making any as I will be the only one eating them. I don't feel sad however; I guess I have gotten used to the idea that he is gone, I'm just unnerved by the passage of time. I also didn't want to feel melancholy, we had a good day and I wanted to just accept the day. If you remember only a few weeks ago mom could never have left her nursing home, we even suspected she may not make it to Christmas, now here she was, enjoying herself, even making funny jokes and I wanted to leave it at that.

 People think the worst thing at Christmas is a house full of family, (I know there are exceptions like abuse or heavy drinking/drugs etc) over the last few weeks I had read many blogs or posts online, moaning about family at Christmas, I have experienced both large family gatherings when I was younger to now, just me here alone, trust me there is nothing worse than waking up to an empty house Christmas morning. Sometimes it feels like past memories are not really memories at all, they are scenes from a Christmas movie that I had watched, old photos tell me the memories are real, that it wasn't a movie. I no longer feel hopeless about this either, I just need to build a new family, I was hoping to have made connections by now but no. Still there is next year and at the rate time keeps speeding up, I don't have to wait long for next Christmas. Lol, maybe I will just leave everything up and pretend I'm efficient.

Happy Me Day!!!

 Yesterday was boxing day, it was named for the fight you will have while trying to shop for deals. That is an alternative Christmas fact. A couple of years ago I tried shopping on boxing day for the first time in my life. To be honest I didn't get any great deals, I had actually gotten better deals leading up to Christmas that year. I think it would have been different if I wanted a tv or computer, something along those lines but as far as shoes or clothes I found it a giant waste of time, I decided never to do that again. I was feeling cabin fever yesterday so I did go to a mini mall near me, I wanted to get out of the house. There is a fair sized discount type store there. I went in to see if I could get chocolates etc on sale. I like to bring a box of chocolates with me when I go to visit family and friends over the Christmas holidays, at least I am not coming to the house empty handed. Unfortunately people must have been there at six in the morning and bought everything that even remotely referenced Christmas. I know that I probably should have went earlier but I am not interested in the boxing day rush. When I went in, the shelves were completely empty. The only thing left on sale was cans of peas and green beans, I have to confess they were a beach to wrap but the look on people's faces was my reward enough.

 At this store, you can't get any nice clothes there but you can get good functional clothes; however they were the same price as before Christmas. I did get some comfy lounge pants, great for watching movies and eating Christmas cookies while relaxing over the holidays.

 I also felt I needed to buy myself something because it was "me day", yes it's true, yesterday was the feast of Stephen it's a day where everyone is supposed to give me gifts and food, it's a proven scientific fact that people named Steven or Stephen are really cool people, especially Scorpio Stevens, those are some of the best Stevens, you are blessed to know a Scorpio Steven, that's why the holy men and women everywhere got together and created a special day for us.

 There is even that old song, I think it goes something like...

There's this kinky kind of guy
and his name is Steven
He likes his pizza not well done
just right and crisp and even!

I am not sure of the words but something like that I believe. I forgive you for missing the day because like I said, most Stevens are awesome! ;)

Merry Christmas. :D

 Santa came! Santa actually came, well sort of, I got a Christmas gift! Last night as I was wrapping gifts, I heard a soft knocking at the door. When I answered it was one of my neighbors, he was on his way to see family and wanted to drop off a gift. It's probably a thank you gift for looking after the animals whenever he and his wife go away for a few days. I know the real reason, Santa inspired him so that I would have some Christmas spirit, it was nice to wake up to a gift under the tree. Yes... I jiggled it, lightly shook it, I listened to the sound, I tried to smell it lol. I believe it to be chocolates! YAY! :) Like a kid, I enjoyed the unknown.

 Have a great day today everyone, I'm getting ready to meet up and have Christmas dinner.

 This is my mom's little bear, he is actually old enough to drink I believe lol, we are sending peace and love over this holiday season.

Kids eye view.

 I was thinking this morning about our perspective as children. When I woke up, my first thought was, ugh it's Christmas eve. I remembered that I have to put some final touches on cleaning/decorating, I needed to do some baking for tomorrow and wrap some gifts. Procrastination is a snapping turtle that caught me by the butt this morning, as it has done for the last ten years. I used to be organized once upon a time, then I fell into a routine of putting things off.

 I started to remember what Christmas eve meant to me as a child. The magic, the wonder, the anticipation, I miss that feeling, it seems so far away now...  but eventually we grow up.

If you are celebrating tonight or tomorrow, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. Take the time to enjoy yourself and the people around you. We deserve this break, we deserve some happiness and enjoyment.

My Christmas lights, communicating with their queen, the Moon, both combining to banish the darkness. Standing there in silence, this feels like nature's gift to me. Merry Christmas.

Ready-ish?

Ok I'm ready as I will ever be, I've got my pumpkins carved, my costume on and candy waiting by the door, I'm finally ready for those little trick or treaters! Wait..... what's that you said??? O.O

Stick your green Christmas!

 It's snowing here again thankfully, you may be surprised that I said thankfully but the last few days turned warm and yesterday it rained all day. By the evening the ground was getting pretty bare. The weather forecasts were calling for a green Christmas, around here that actually means a brown muddy Christmas or dull gray Christmas, there is usually nothing green about it. Even Christmas lights lose their magic when all the cords are exposed and have no snow or frost to glisten off of. Considering we had snow for Halloween and it pretty much has stayed since then, I was ticked! Yesterday I was saying, "oh no you didn't mother nature, you didn't just melt all the Christmas snow after dumping it on us for two months! Luckily Santa caught this and used some of his Christmas magic to make it a white Christmas again.

 It's nice when people decorate for the holidays and I try not to judge but part of me just can't help it, I hear that little voice saying, "what are they thinking"! Here are my personal picks.

1) A couple near me are landscapers and they do a nice job, however one of their Christmas trees is decorated with all orange lights, like a giant pumpkin-Christmas tree genetic experiment gone wrong. The colour clashes with all the surrounding trees, like a beautiful model with a large pimple on their forehead.

2) Another couple near me put up some of those giant inflatable lawn ornaments, I guess they were so pleased that they added a few more. The problem is that they put them up weeks ago and now they no longer work properly. It looks like Santa, Frosty and friends are all are suffering from food poisoning and are staggering out from a horrible Christmas party.

3) Speaking of lawn ornaments, one house with a very small lawn, has put so many Christmas statues and ornaments up that you could mistake it for a garage sale. There is a life size nativity scene, Santa with his sleigh and reindeer, plus every Christmas or winter character you could think of. The stories I think are starting to meld together, I mean as far as I know, I don't remember Frosty the snowman traveling with the three wise men to bring gifts!

4) Neighbors of mine didn't want to potentially harm any of their trees so they wrapped lights around an old telephone pole that is no longer in use. A rotten old pole with pretty lights wrapped around it still looks like a rotten old pole.

5) Finally the classic bachelor move, nail a bunch of lights to the edge of your roof never to bother with them ever again, leave them on most of the year, let the colors fade and never ever change the burned out ones.

 But I'm not judging! :)

Alternative holiday tradition.

 I was listening to the radio on my way home from visiting mom and they were talking about different holiday traditions. One is a Christmas day tradition that is not actually about celebrating Christmas. They were talking about a tradition I have heard about before. One where many Jewish families spend the afternoon together at the movie theater and then go out after to a Chinese restaurant.

 They were saying that the two cultures combined to create an alternative to the day. Jewish people could go out for the afternoon and not feel judged because the Chinese people also did not celebrate the holiday.

 Now many non Jewish people are starting to do the same. It's a lot less hassle to go out for Christmas dinner, than to cook all day while trying to entertain a house full of guests. Plus even better, when the day is over, everyone goes home to a quiet house that doesn't look like a tornado went through. I was thinking that would be a good tradition to follow, not because I have family issues, the opposite actually, I pretty much have no more family. I was thinking there are a lot of people in the same boat. Either people with no family around or people who don't celebrate Christmas, I think it would be fun to get a few friends together and go out for the afternoon. I would imagine that you do not need to worry about crowds on Christmas day. If mom wasn't able to celebrate Christmas with us, I can see myself trying something like that, it would beat staying at home watching "It's a wonderful life" over and over... and over lol.

 Today is the solstice, the days will thankfully begin to get longer. On a cloudy day it can be dark here by 4:00, blaaaaaah! Can we say, DEEEeeeepressing! However the darkness is banished around here, banished by my pretty pretty Christmas lights, I bet who ever invented colour Christmas lights was probably secretly gay!

Grinch vs Grinch

 The other night one of the tv channels started playing a movie for the holidays, it was a take on the Grinch who stole Christmas, the one with Jim Carrey as the Grinch. I started watching it but I just couldn't take it after a while, to be honest I'm not a Jim Carrey fan and his portrayal of the Grinch just reaffirms my dislike for him. I didn't find it funny, annoying actually and considering there would be children watching, I thought the jokes were not appropriate at times. Also can anyone explain to me why he would make the Grinch sound like Sean Connery? In fact when you consider how long this story has been around, they could have improved the humour quite a bit. Like fingernails down a chalkboard, the movie got under my skin and I had to turn it.

 Later I sat down to watch another channel and the original cartoon of the Grinch came on. It's interesting to watch and be impressed when you think that this story was thought up out of the blue. The little jokes, the catchy tunes, the animation without the help of a zillion megabytes, plus being smart enough to have James Earl Jones singing the main song before people knew who James Earl Jones was,  all show real talent and creativity. There is also the nostalgia factor, I can remember when we were kids being excited the day after it would air, especially the boys because we loved the song, we would laugh and laugh at the "sea sick crocodile" or the "thirty nine and a half foot pole" references.

 The movie version made me feel annoyed, bored, a little offended, irritated to the point of no longer watching. The cartoon on the other hand made me smile, giggle, sing along at times, think about the bigger picture in life, fondly remember Christmases past, for a brief moment even remember what it felt like to be young again. In the battle of Grinch vs Grinch, it's clear to me who wins!

Kiss.

 Yesterday I went onto a certain site to see regarding changes that had been made. It's the site that no longer allows adult content, sadly if you type in "gay truckers in the woods" you will not get pictures that would ban you from ever setting foot near a holy place ever again. This was only tried out of curiosity, I was not familiar with the site before (no matter what lies OLD LURKER tries to imply in the comments section), I am not one to spend a few minutes browsing porn.

 While searching around I stumbled upon gay sites that are for couples. This is a growing trend (happily) especially among younger gay men. One of the recurring photos is guys in love kissing in a passionate embrace. Unlike the older generations, they have grown up feeling as part of society and so they want to post about their first relationship, getting engaged, being on their honey moon as a married gay couple, just like all their straight friends do. To be honest I feel a little sadness that I didn't let myself go there, the truth is once I reached my thirties, things had improved a lot, in Canada I could have functioned fairly easily as a gay man in a relationship. However I also feel extremely happy for these young men and there is no amount of porn that gives me greater pleasure than seeing two men in love kissing. Yes many photographers try to mimic the emotion but you can almost feel it coming through the screen when it's real. It's a beauty on its own, like a field of wild flowers, ocean view or sunset. Every time I see photos like that I remember, "that's my goal, remember that's my goal" and I almost get a feeling of having my gay batteries recharged.

 There is nothing like being kissed by someone who loves you, the soft warm feeling is beyond compare but for me there was a tingly feeling in my stomach as well. In the beginning of my first serious relationship it was overwhelming.

 Speaking of kissing a guy, I passed a benchmark and didn't notice. I have friends who know that I'm gay and friends I haven't talked to about being gay. I say "haven't talked to about it" as opposed to saying that they don't know because I feel that they do know. They never never ask about my dating life and I feel this is to give me space. Some friends that I did tell, said it wasn't necessary to tell them, that we are friends regardless, so I stopped feeling the need to tell people, actually I don't think about it anymore.

 I just don't want people feeling sorry for me thinking that I am some little scared rabbit hiding down a gay hole, hidden from the straight people. I don't care, if someone asks I have no problem telling them. Now the benchmark that I completely missed at the time. I met up with a guy at a mall, we had met before. We had a coffee date, I think he's totally cute (plus a lot younger than me, yes I'm bragging, wouldn't you). Later on as we were going our separate ways we hugged, he asked if he could kiss me, I said yes and so we did, ( an A+ kisser was he).

 As I was walking to my car, the little voice in the back of my mind said, "wow, when did we get this comfortable, did you just hug and kiss a guy on the lips while standing in a crowded mall"? Smirking to myself and feeling no regrets I answered, "why yes I did"!!!

;-)(-:  Smooch!

My Sunday adventures.

 I got a text a few weeks back from a straight friend, he had a question for me and the next thing I knew, he was sometimes telling me to go harder, faster and then softer, slower, gentler. Yes that's right, I joined a curling team! If you are not familiar with the sport, that's where they slide the curling rocks down the ice. You are trying to gain points by where your rock lands and you are also playing against an opposing team so you want a better rock position than them, plus it doesn't hurt to bump a few of their rocks off out. ;)

 When I first got the text, I warned my friend that I have never played before, I do actually watch it from time to time but I wasn't a dedicated fan, so I'm always learning about game rules. I didn't do too badly the first week and I really enjoyed it. I was told that the league is just for fun, there are people who play at every level and not to worry. At first I was a spare in case someone got sick but now I'm on a team.

 It's a good way to get out of the house, I know most of the people on the other team's as well. It's fun to trash talk and tell the other players that they are going down, lol. After, we have drinks, go over our mistakes, brag about the perfect shots each other made, then bust out laughing. That was the Christmas party I mentioned, we have stopped playing until after Christmas and everyone brought food, snacks etc. It gave us a chance to catch up with old friends and to meet some of the new people in the area.

 After we hit the showers, my favorite part! It's weird, most know that I'm gay and will ask me to wash their back but not their other straight friends, I joke about how far down am I allowed to go, they just smile and shrug their shoulders but never try to stop me so I grab ass.... you guys are such pervs, I'm totally joking here, nobody takes a shower after, it's not like hockey or football lol.

 I have wanted to try curling for a long time , I did try to find a team when I lived in the city but no place seemed interested in beginners. I'm also trying to add to my personal folder in life, I even find myself boring at times and want more interesting things to talk about. I'm having a lot of fun and it does help to take away the winter blues. Wow look at me, I'm a total jock now... hahaha!

Spring break for Christmas?

 A blanket of fog (more like a large comforter) came rolling across the fields this morning. I was wondering what that means, as most things weather related these days are very unusual for the time of year. Look closely, you will see a Christmas ghost coming out of the fog oooohwoo, ok I'm going to grow up now.

Fortunately it was nothing bad, it was just a sign of a beautiful day ahead. The temperature started to rise, snow started to melt and drip from the roofs.

 Most importantly the sun came out, it was a warm sunny day, the kind of day that recharges your batteries. After plowing snow from my yard, I did one of the most important things at Christmas, yes I cleaned up and put away my lawnmower! It's a small tractor mower and for winter I like to put it in a building that is high off the damp ground. That's how fast winter took over here, I expected at least one more turn at cutting the lawn so I was keeping it in a shed, I never expected to be under snow cover so fast. I had to leave it in the shed until it became warm enough to start it. Today was a beautiful March like day, there were even a lot of birds out picking up what they could find. Now with the lawnmower and garden tools stored for winter, I just need to put away the Halloween stuff and I'm ready to tackle Christmas! Just joking about the Halloween stuff I ate that a long time ago.

Ten Days Until... WHAT!?!

 Holy gingersnaps! I better get my butt into Christmas gear! Ten days to get ready, now I know that I keep saying I like to coast into the Christmas holidays but I don't have anything done. I was thinking about painting the dining room where I keep the tree. However when I checked the calendar, I realized I would be cutting it close. There is enough to do without adding stress and making the house stinky with paint smell. It's ok to paint on warmer days but not so much when you can't open the windows.

Must do shopping, must clean house, must bake cookies, must bake more cookies, too late to send cards... aaah, must put up tree... hmmm, must bake more cookies, oooh must use holiday as an excuse to buy drinks. I'm ok with everything except the clean house part lol.

Mother Nature's Harsh Genital Rules!

 I am a tv nerd, I love nature programs, science shows, documentaries, programs about space etc, etc. This may seem like a serious post but I apologize, it's going to get stupid fast. I love learning about all things nature and especially about theories as to why certain things evolved the way they did. One thing I have learned is that mother nature is unforgiving when it comes to evolution. People make the mistake in thinking, if the tree branches get higher, the animals get taller. As if something in their DNA switches on and suddenly all the deer in the next generation are born to grow taller. It doesn't work that way, what happens is nature's harshness takes over,  all the shorter animals become weak, die or get eaten. Only the tallest ones survive and go on to breed. Over generations you get a taller animal.

 This made me think about how nature affects people. People were shaped by the type of environment they lived in but I don't want to go into that because I don't want to start sounding like a white supremacy blog, anyway it's gingers that rule. I would like everyone to put on your silly hats now because going further, I really hope nobody takes what I am about to say seriously. For people who become easily offended, there is a new drug out for you called Growacet.

  Regarding human evolution, I was thinking along the lines of penis sizes. After years of personally studying the penis, (thanks to many reference articles, also known as adult entertainment), I don't care what people say regarding race, we all know what group of people have "on average" been blessed with the biggest penises. I am not going to argue against facts and frankly, I wouldn't be offended if someone accused me of being hung... which sadly... never happens.

This had me thinking about the harsh truth as to why my ancestors lost a couple of inches off their penises when they left the warm climate of Africa. It's scary to think that they probably actually froze it off! Some poor hung caveman back in the day would be walking around with it hanging below his loin cloth and never notice until it was too late. Probably he wouldn't notice until that evening while trying to pee but only getting ice cubes out. Gangrene would set in and it would fall off. This male northern nightmare would end his chance at fatherhood.

 Luckily for me, my ancestors with a much smaller more heat efficient penis, would become the new sought after mate. The other men with frozen dinks would soon be rejected as the women couldn't get pregnant or became freaked out every time one of their pricksicles broke off inside her. As time went on, only the men with "efficient" penises were able to procreate, the others died off... genetically that is.

This theory (that I just made up), explains why my people never trip over their own genitals and it does make some sense. Now however; as a "butt man"... I have another question. Over the years, I have noticed a lot of flat behinds on caucasian men. Why did white men lose their bums in the migration north... and is that why so many of us can't dance?

The Nasty Christmas meme.

 Alright I'm going to do the nasty Christmas meme. If you did this and enjoyed doing it, you suck! Lol, elfing take that you Grinches, and not the cool Dr Seuss villain we all love, the crapy creepy poorly acted Jim Carrey Grinch!

  What do you hate most about Christmas?
I hate the fact that most of the people I loved in life are all dead now, making Christmas never able to live up to past Christmases.

  What is your least favorite piece of Christmas music?
 Ever since George Michael died everyone and their grandmother has covered his song "Last Christmas", (which has nothing to do with Christmas) and now it's common to hear different versions of that frigging song three or four times an hour on the radio or in a mall! Aaaaaaahh!

   What traditional Christmas food other than fruitcake, is being sent to the garbage can?
I actually like fruitcake (you are what you eat maybe), I like it because of course, I had the real homemade thing and not that store bought garbage. In fact mom and her mother used to make a gumdrop version that I really miss to this day. As for food I don't like, I'm echoing Old Lurker's answer, Christmas ham, yuck! There is so much salt and preservatives in those hams I can't stand them. Unlike the real roasted ham we used to cook ourselves, those pink store bought hams are gross. If someone doesn't pay attention to my warnings about not giving me one, they always become my Christmas treat to the ravens.

 Which animated TV Christmas special leaves you wanting to rip the wallpaper off the walls?
They used to have these religious themed ones that depressed us because the main characters always died or got killed and those were bad enough but the worst was a politically correct cartoon a few years ago where frosty the snowman and kids had to stop climate change from melting frosty and the north pole, I think the villain was a business man with a company and we all know how evil people who work for a living are. Vomit!

 What was your least favorite gift ever?
That's a hard one, I don't ever remember being really disappointed by a gift. I remember I always got slippers and pjs for Christmas but felt that they shouldn't be wrapped up because it was misleading lol. I guess one time when my grandmother became too elderly to shop, one of my aunts bought the gifts for the grandchildren, we were just kids and she gave us coffee mugs for Christmas, what the heck?

 Who on your Christmas list is the hardest to shop for?
 I don't really have a lot of shopping to do, I guess I have to say my sister. She has a good government job, no kids and is good with money so she already has everything she wants, plus now approaching retirement, she is downsizing so she doesn't really want anything.

 How would you spend this time of year, if you weren't caught up in all the holiday madness?
 I really feel that you are an idiot if you LET yourself get caught up in any made up "holiday madness". I want to enjoy myself so years ago I made sure that I would continue celebrating Christmas the way it was done for years. People gathered to exchange a few gifts and share a meal with family and friends. They didn't spend weeks elbowing strangers to get a deal on cellphones or laptops. People need common sense as a Christmas gift. What's the point of celebrating Christmas if you are not enjoying yourself, it's ridiculous, you might as well stop having a Christmas because you have completely lost the meaning behind it.

 Christmas is very different for me now, a little sad at times to be honest but I try not to let that happen. I had almost completely moved away from celebrating it but I found that I missed a lot of the good points so I take part in a lot of it again. It's a good way to get through the dark winter days. Have a good Christmas... meh or not. Lol

Ya got any snow up there?

 The answer to the question is YES, every now and again, one of my blog buddies asks me the question, "do you have snow yet"? Snow? Yes we have snow! We have lots of the white crap, it's been continually coming down since before Halloween... and no that's not normal for this area. It's so annoying that the weather stations will call for light flurries or no snow and yet we will get a huge dump of the stuff! Even if we finally get a break and it turns warm for a day, maybe even rains a little and takes the snow down, it will suddenly turn freezing cold and starts to snow again!

 That's the other annoying thing, usually cold days means sunny bright weather, unfortunately not this year, it can be well below freezing and yet will still snow a lot, it's starting to rub everyone's nerves raw!

 Today for example, I have to take mom to the hospital for tests, the drive is over an hour away. All week they have been promising good weather... it has been constantly snowing since I got up this morning, grrrr!

Candy Cane taste test!

It seems that 2018 was a good year for candy canes, as they passed my taste test. Actually this has become an issue, once upon a time, you could buy candy canes and not really worry about the flavour. Times have changed and who wants to accidentally hand out canes that taste like paint thinner! I am not sure what the stores are doing, buying cheaply made candy canes with low grade ingredients or storing them from year to year trying to eventually sell them. Either way I have come across some really awful tasting candy canes. There is nothing more disappointing than taking down the decorations, only to discover the remaining Christmas treat is inedible!

 Mmmm, why yes Carnaby Sweet, I do approve of your recent batch of candy canes. They have that traditional peppermint, Christmas candy cane flavour. This will allow me to take some to work but most importantly, I can snack a little on them while decorating.

 With the holidays approaching, I want to share my mom's cranberry oatmeal cookie recipe. I keep promising to do it but I get busy, then forget about posting it, only to remember when the holidays are long past. I am seeing different versions of it popping up on dried cranberry packages but this is the original. Ignore her remarks written on the recipe and follow it as per the actual recipe. I'm going to post a photo of the page, it will save time in writing everything out for me. If anything is not clear, just leave a question in the comments section or email me at the email address on my profile. When buying ingredients for the cookies, don't cut corners, just get good products, I once bought dried cranberries that were inexpensive from a discount company and they ruined my batches with an odd taste.

Time warp again?

 I think most of my readers have the same feeling by now of time speeding up as we age. It seems to catch me off guard more and more these days, I am often actually startled by time lines that seem recent but are really distant. I have come to ease the time shock by playing a song in my head when these moments happen.  It's the song "Let's Do the Time Warp Again", from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Every time someone says something that shakes my core regarding time, I hear that chorus, loudly in my head.

 Take yesterday for example, I happened to bump into a guy that I had worked with. In "my mind" we parted ways about seven or eight years ago when he was part of massive layoffs in my company. I stayed on for a few more years until they finally came for me. He did well for himself, he already had a government type job when they gave him his walking papers. I asked him if he was still there and he said yes... that he has been there fourteen years now... "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN" f... f.. fourteen years! I couldn't believe it, I remember saying goodbye to him, shocking when he said that.

 It upset me greatly because I saw how he did the right thing by arranging to begin a new job right away. He has been going on with his life having a steady job, plus a pension when he retires. Myself on the other hand, have been dealing with cutbacks, layoffs, work stoppages, loss of benefits etc ever since. I have been in such a tunnel of survival mode at work, I couldn't see it would have been better to quit long ago and go somewhere else. It would have been easier to get hired in my thirties than now in my... older than thirties. I know looking back it's easy to see what I should have done, I know it's not healthy to do that but it really affected me.

 Again last night, I settled down to watch one of my favorite Christmas movies; however I just couldn't get into it, I was bored with it. The feeling that was overwhelming me was that I felt I had just watched that movie a month or two ago and not the actual time line of a year ago. I find that when I pull Christmas decorations out, I feel like I just put them away. I am not one of those people who has them up for months either, usually a week or two before Christmas, (sometimes even Christmas eve) then everything is packed away by January sixth/seventh, a tradition of my mother's. Watching the movie last night, I said to myself, "I feel like I JUST watched this", then suddenly in my mind "LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN, LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN"!!!

Get into my bed!

 I wish one of you were here, I would tell you to come to my bedroom, I would tell you to take your clothes off, I would tell you to get into my bed, I would tell you to roll around gently and make the bed comfortable for us, then when you are ready, I would get into bed with you and I would whisper into your ear, "thanks for getting the bed nice and warm, now not a peep out of you, turn over and go to sleep"! Hey don't judge me, it's -25 again and I don't want to get into a chilly bed, so deal with it!

Fear of Men.

 Last night one of the public broadcasting stations came through and I watched a discussion panel type show. The discussion was about men and about how to raise boys. As a side note, I had to laugh because it was a typical left leaning panel of women, a woman who became a man, a man who would loose a battle to a mosquito and an average masculine guy who feels masculinity is a bad thing. Pretty much a group of people that average boys would not be able to relate to. Still not to take anything away from the panel, they made a lot of good points about how boys are raised not to feel emotions and then we freak out when young men show no empathy.

 The thing that interested me the most was a discussion with a young author afterwards. The book is called "I'm Afraid of Men" by Vivek Shraya. A transgender person caught between the world of male and female. The interview was thoughtful and it was good to hear his/her point of view of just trying to survive while being transgender and a person of colour.

 What caught me most was the admission of being afraid of men, the host asked cheerfully if that still was the case, expecting a Hollywood happy ever after answer of "no" and how great it is now; however the answer was "yes, I still live in fear". The truth is that person is still very much a target especially for men. The back of the book reads "Men are afraid of me" and that's true, men would feel uncomfortable and the less thinking type would feel the need to attack, either verbally or physically.

 I haven't read the book yet so I'm not going to comment further on it but I could/can relate. I remember when I was younger, I was terrified of men, groups of guys especially young guys out in the country, if they ever found out that I was gay... I would have been in danger. It's a funny coincidence that I saw this interview because I happened to be at a hockey arena on the weekend watching part of a game. There were some big guys there, I'm a tiny guy, I have always hovered around 125 pounds, I was thinking I would have no chance against them if they decided to attack me, six something and 220 solid pounds with arms the size of my thighs.

 Fortunately that fear is less and less but there are still times when I am careful. When I was with Dan he thought it was funny to make me uncomfortable by holding my hand in front of people; however he was very serious at times when he knew that we could be in danger. Isn't that an interesting statement to make, "when we could be in danger" just because we loved each other put us in danger. I understand Vivek talking about being afraid of men, the truth is if you're going to get killed for being a member of the LGBTQ community, it's not by a bunch of grannies coming out of a quilting bee. Some men are probably offended by the title of the book but those same men want to ignore the facts. The truth is... I have felt that fear also, I can relate, I still do at times, it's very real.

Good morning... Morning.

 Early mornings are often beautiful, in spring there is the chorus of birds, at other times of the year the different sun rises can be breathtaking. Seeing first light and the feeling that a new day is beginning has a special feeling to it. I will admit however that even though I think mornings are gorgeous, I am not a morning person.

 I never have been a morning person, I would like to be a morning person but my internal clock always makes me want to sleep my heaviest between 3 a.m. and 9 a.m. my entire life, which is a total bummer when I have to be up by 5 a.m. I'm not a happy camper when I get up, I feel groggy for hours no matter how much sleep I get. I think right now is the worst time of year, even at 6:35 a.m. it's still black dark outside, I leave in the dark and get home in the dark. It doesn't help when it's freezing outside either, lately it's been between minus "eeeeek" and minus "aaaaahhkk" with a few nights of minus "where'd my #&@ing testicles go"!

 Still if I didn't have to go to work, I would probably sleep in and miss the dawning of a new day and all the beauty that comes with it.

 On my way to work, it was -25 that morning which caused pillars of rainbow like lights to appear in this field. I messed up on getting a better picture as I got closer but I would have missed this if I was still snoring in bed.

The Morning I Saw a Unicorn.

 One foggy morning, at first light just before the sun came up, a unicorn came out of the mist and walked in front of me. I didn't have my camera ready but there he was, tall long legged, graceful animal with one horn pointing towards the heavens. I stopped my car, he stared at me for a few seconds and then disappeared back into the mist.

 This actually did happen and as I watched the animal get closer, it was as I suspected... a young male deer. We always think of a male deer looking like one of Santa's reindeer; however in the first couple of years they often only grow little spiked horns like a goat. Sometimes like this fellow, they only grow one. I was thinking about the old people back in the day, traveling along the road, maybe having a little bit of "the drink" still in their system, probably full of superstitions and suddenly seeing that figure casting a shadow in the fog. There would have been some wild stories that evening.

 I had a visitor all fall, a young buck would come to the apple trees two or three times a day. It's not uncommon to have deer in your yard, especially if you don't have a dog but it is almost unheard of to have a male deer. They are much much more weary of humans than the females. I don't hunt, I have no interest in hunting but I don't really have a problem with "true" hunters. I rent the rights to hunt on my land to a good group of guys and they keep away the idiots. I know it may sound strange but it helps keep the wild herds healthy. This picture was taken back in August or September of him.

 It's the males you are allowed to hunt but not the females so the girls learn to come and eat your flowers while the males stay away. I didn't let myself get attached to the young buck, I felt his time on earth would be short because of his boldness and no fear of humans. Also to be honest he was a huge jerk to the females, beating them away from the apples, even ones with fawns at their side. I had forgotten about him the past few weeks as he disappeared just before hunting season and there were no signs of him since it ended. I tried not to get attached to him... but I can't tell you how happy I
was when he showed back up yesterday!

Tips For the Nude Male.

When running around nude after your shower and simmering pasta sauce, remember to pull the pot off the burner, while leaving the lid on until the mixture stops bubbling, this way you don't have any tiny splashes or spitting that could turn your pasta sauce into sausage sauce.

The Season Begins.

 The first of December all ready, every year the holidays come whizzing past faster and faster. It feels like three weeks ago all the news reporters were shocked it was August the first and that the summer was half over. I'm set to enjoy this a little again. I had drifted completely away from doing anything Christmas-ish with the exception of going to my sister's for Christmas dinner. I want a little of that cheer and magic back again. I'm sick of dark days and feeling alone.

 There was a farmer's market held near me, an organic farmer holds one every fall and spring for just one day, he has a huge riding arena and invites other unique organic type farmers, home style bakeries and crafts people to set up booths.

 I found it hilarious that there was a group of chickens, happily walking through the crowds of shoppers, both people and birds picking up what they needed I guess lol, the hens calmly went about their business as if they did this every day. I was thinking about my ladies, they would have headed for the woods only to return that evening after all signs of people were clear. It's sort of a Christmas market, there were wagon rides and dog sled rides, I was glad to see a huge turn out again. The food can be a little expensive but you pay for what you get so it's usually delicious. They have home made sweaters, mitts and hats etc there as well. Plus lots of crafts for gift ideas. I enjoyed myself and bought way too many homemade cookies. I then spent the afternoon at a friend's talking, talking, talking which gave me a great excuse not to clean my filthy house for the holidays.

 This is last year's tree, the little angel is my mother's ornament, it's older than I am so there is nostalgia in decorating as well for me.

Speaking about tv shows.

 Everyone has a show they just can't stand, it's the one you can't turn the channel fast enough when it comes on. For me it's Grey's Anatomy, I absolutely hate that show... uggh...barrrrff! I can't believe (or maybe I can) that it lasted this long. "Nurse please pass me the scalpel". "No doctor I won't, you slept with my friend Marcy and then didn't call her this morning", beep beep beep! "We are losing the patient"  beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeep! "You need to make Marcy feel like a whole complete woman who has worth again or I'm not helping you".

 Is it just me or is the Rosanne show better without Rosanne. I never liked her, I found her kind of gross, her voice was a little too sharp and whining. I think Sarah Gilbert, along with John Goodman and Laurie Metcalf can carry the show, I guess we will see how the ratings go. It's not a great show but funnier than a lot of programs already on.

 December tomorrow already, then it will be Christmas and then all over again for another year, it feels like I just put away the decorations two months ago.

Say that again?

 Apparently many women like to receive a facial that is made out of.... wait for it..... no seriously you are not going to believe this...... no this is not a joke.... nope not making this up.... they like to receive a facial that is made out of  foreskins. They use baby Korean boy's discarded foreskins after circumcision. How vile is that, some Hollywood actresses rave about it. Everyone on the news giggled about it, I think this is pathetic.

Coming Out... meh.

 My gayness makes me watch the show "This is us", tonight one of the children on the show came out to her parents. I know they were probably hoping to turn on the water works with viewers but this viewer felt.... meh big deal, been there saw that. I'm not sure if it's because I have watched one too many coming out moments and have become immune to them, I just wasn't feeling it. I think they were trying to make something dramatic out of something that would be a non issue in keeping with these characters.The aunt already knew, the grandmother already knew and was trying to support the young girl who refused to speak to her about it. The parents are open minded educated people but mostly the dad's own father was gay with a boyfriend and he still loved and accepted him. It would seem ridiculous and completely out of character for the show to have the parents become angry and reject their own child, I just didn't feel the big dramatic moment in telling them.

 I hope that is what the problem was with me this evening, just the confidence in the characters to accept their child's sexuality. I hope I haven't become immune to that feeling every gay person experiences when they first come out to someone because when it goes well... it's emotional but it's a thing of beauty.

Standing in Her White Dress.

I keep thinking about a memory over and over, a moment in time from my early twenties. My cousin had gotten married earlier that day and of course there was a reception after. He is about two years older than me and I was really happy for him because he had found the sweetest and nicest young woman that you could ever meet. He always had some awkward thing about his personality, friends didn't always take him seriously. Now he would never be alone, someone would always be at his side, I thought we should all be so lucky.

 He was the baby in his family, his brothers and sister were older with a small gap between them. The wedding was very emotional I guess because they couldn't believe their baby brother was getting married. I remember my dad joking, "they all keep crying, what do they think she is going to do to him"!

 Finally the night came to an end and as we were leaving, we saw that the bride was standing alone in the yard. The best man had gone to get the car and in the excitement the groom went with him before the bride stepped out. My dad pulled up and rolled down the window asking, "oh no, he didn't get nervous, ran off and left you did he"? She laughed and said no that he went to get the car.  My father then said that we would wait with her until the groom returned.

 I remember her standing there in her snow white wedding dress, a contrast to the dark night, almost like a statement an artist would make with an art piece. A young woman about to start a life together with a young man but on this day she was having a moment she probably often dreamed about as a little girl. She had a big smile on her face, finally the car appeared, we said our goodbyes again and drove off giggling.

 Saturday I received a call telling me that she died suddenly from a heart attack, everyone is shocked. She leaves behind three kids and her husband (my cousin). Life makes no sense at times but if there is one thing I have learned, it's better not to try and make sense out of something senseless. We were not close, over the years cousins with their own families drift in different directions and so I had not seen much of them lately. Time slips by so fast, it feels like only a few years ago that they were married, it's shocking to me that she is gone, I can't help thinking of her, standing alone in the yard, her white dress glowing in the darkness.

November tomatoes.

 I'm having a tomato and onion sandwich, I'm blogging about it because it grosses someone out (@ Deedles lol). They are the last tomatoes from my garden. I picked them green at the end of September and let them ripen on the counter. I'm going to miss them when they are all gone because I can't stand the tasteless ones in the stores. I can't keep them much longer because I caught some dealing drugs and gambling, yes some of my tomatoes have gone bad! That's a terrible joke I know, I know. I would like to try to have some make it to December, that would be the longest ever.

 I'm having a wild and crazy Saturday evening of defrosting my freezer, it's an upright freezer and the idiot who designed it never thought about where all the melting ice would go, there is no catch pan for the resulting water. Obviously it was a straight man who designed this because he would never have to deal with the mess!

The last of the tomatoes, yum.

Night Driving.

 This evening I was driving home late from work. It was after nine and the roads were empty. I saw the most beautiful scene, the moon was shining so brightly off the fresh, new fallen snow. It was so bright that I didn't need to use the highbeams on my headlights, you could see everything, everywhere. I often heard the description of a silver glow to the snow on such nights like this, that description would fit perfectly tonight. It was post card beautiful, all the sleepy towns settling down for the night, the homes, churches, barns, trees and log fences trimmed with white snow and icicles. I could see deer scattered throughout the night fields, pawing up something to eat. Only the brightest stars could be seen in the crystal clear sky. It was beautiful and there was no way to capture it with a camera or phone that would do it justice, I did the best thing that I could do, I enjoyed the moment. Nature can be so breathtaking.

No Winter Allowed!

 We.... sadly are in the grip of winter already, this is not normal for us, usually in November we have fall-ish temperatures and lots of rain,  with a few flurries until up to Christmas. However we had more snow in one day already than we usually get in all of November. I and many others were caught off guard, we need to mentally prepare for this. Tonight it is going down close to -30 Celsius with wind chill, in Fahrenheit that's eeeeeeek! It's enough to freeze the testicles off of everyone.. including women! It has snowed almost every day since Halloween, with these cold days, that snow is going nowhere.

 How did this happen, go away winter, you arrived too early. Since winter sticks around until April, it's almost overwhelming to think six more months of this garbage.

TV, Gay Wedding Moment.

 Last week I enjoyed a tv moment, I don't have much choice when it comes to television way out here in the country, many nights I only get one channel. I was watching an episode of "How to get away with murder". I started watching because of Viola Davis, she could do a dog food commercial and I would want to see how it ends. To be honest I think the show is a little evil and not in the cool kind of evil but as in actually corrupt. Anyway two gay characters got married in last week's episode. I was thinking that I have watched gay couples marry on tv before but not a couple that I have followed along with for years. It made it extra special.

 I could step into the characters and get a glimpse of what it must be like to get married in front of family and friends to someone you love. I was enjoying the moment and taking in the fact that I was watching something on tv that when young, I could never have even dreamed would be part of the regular tv hour. To add to the romance, one of the characters sang a song to his new husband, I was not aware he could sing so well. I admit that I clapped when they said "I do" and kissed, I love seeing "my people" being represented on the small screen.

 Of course the show had to ruin the moment by having some of the main characters murder someone, which they often do. I don't want to go down that road in this post, I want to focus on the positive side regarding the wedding. Also speaking of ruining something, this post crashed and I lost everything I wanted to say, so now you are getting the rushed from memory version.

 I love that romantic mush, this princess still dreams that a prince will come to swoop me off my feet and take me away to make our vows. At least I got to daydream about it, a glimpse into the possibility.

The Penetrating Words of Kindness.

 Often when something negative happens, I can become too focused on the moment. I try not to do that but I'm human, I have a hard time letting things go, it doesn't help to have my very own negative peanut gallery in the back of my mind. Those little nagging voices that try to convince me that I'm a total buffoon in everything I do and say. Fortunately as I get older I can command, "quiet" to the voices.

 I need to focus on the positive and recently I have had some really kinds words spoken to me that caught me off guard in a good way. I often drive a coworker home, a young Sikh man, he moved here from India and has no family in Canada. I can imagine how lonely that would be and sometimes I feel like an older cousin that has to look out for him. He is really easy to talk to, we joke and laugh all the way to his place, many times we also have deep discussions as well. I am glad that he is starting to come out of his shell at work, I wanted other people to see what a kind, decent plus comical guy he really is. One night we were laughing at the pranks a mutual friend pulls on us at work, then he said, "I like talking with you and Mark, you guys don't make me feel like I'm different from everyone else, I feel like we're the same". I had a total "awww" moment, I said "you are the same to me, I don't see you any different". He went on to say that some people can't get past the fact that he wears a turban.

 A few days ago one of my uncles came to visit, we were never close but I think he is getting sentimental as he ages. He is my father's younger brother and likes to come visit at least once a year to see the place and bring back old childhood memories, more so now knowing that one day I will sell the farm. He was asking about mom and then suddenly looked at me and said, "your dad would be so proud of you for the way you are looking out for your mom, really proud of you". I didn't know what to say, I was caught off guard, my family never says things like this. To be honest I always feel like I'm not doing enough and that I could do better. I think I needed to hear those words, not because I want praise for a job that I should be doing but because they help me get through the hard times.

 This weekend someone said something sweet that was just off the cuff but spoke volumes. The other night I was asked by someone to come for supper, when I went over I joked about him not clearing it with his wife first and just showing up for supper with a neighbour in tow. She laughed and said, "it's not the same when it's you showing up, you're not just a neighbour, you're like family".

 I had a few other really kind words said to me in the last weeks, I guess I'm not a total jerk, maybe some people even like me (lol). I try to say positive things to other people, maybe life is giving back with interest.

Mosvember?

 I know it's movember, a month where guys are not shaving mostly to grow a mustache and start a conversation regarding men's health. Although most of the guys at work are sporting the mustache but still don't want to talk about men's health, it's a guy thing.

 However here I think is movember, as in a mosquito in November! The other day I was attacked in the bathroom by a giant man eating mosquito. I sure hope that is the last mosquito of the year, at -13 Celsius outside I would think so. With complete disdain for the little creature I cheerfully said, "hello little mosquito, allow me to introduce you to your own ass" and then I promptly squashed it into the wall. One of the memories from summer 2018 that I can do without.

 I just hope this is not the beginning of a climate change type of winter mosquito...  a snosquito! O.O

 Skeeder meet butt! :D

Ahh! It's here! It's EVERYWHERE!

 Oh no, I was doing a little shopping this evening and I suddenly realized what was happening, it was all around me, the horror, THE HORROR! Yes since it's the twelfth, the stores started playing Christmas music. This will happen every single time I go to buy something for the next six plus weeks.

 Just to be clear, I don't have a problem with Christmas music, I'm not religious but it's part of my heritage and it brings back a lot of happy memories. My problem is that it's just too early, that's so wrong, we shouldn't be hearing Christmas music when many of us haven't finished raking up the fall leaves. Also the stores don't give a rat's behind about Christmas, peace on earth or good will towards your fellow man. They are only interested in sales, I know that's how they make a living but they don't have to behave like they are Christmas's pimp.

 I get up in the dark, I go to work in the dark, I come home in the dark, it's making my mood dark. Today I tried getting up extra early in the hopes that I could make it back home while the sun was still up, I wasn't able to. I am going to put the lights up outside soon, our ancestors were smart, many cultures have a festival of lights around this time of year, clearly it was an early way of warding off depression caused from lack of sunshine. My Sikh and Hindu friends are celebrating Diwali, they invited me to go but I was too shy, maybe next time. I think it's no coincidence that Christmas involves candles, colourful lights and stars, I had stopped putting up lights and decorations years ago but one year I felt overwhelmed by the darkness and also loneliness, I decided to cheer myself up and a little sparkle did wonders. I was thinking of having a little tree lighting ceremony at the farm, just an excuse for people to get together, have a hot chocolate, some snacks and talk.

 However I'm still not happy about already hearing jingle bells while I'm try to buy socks and underwear.

We will never learn.

 Today is remembrance day in Canada, a day to honor those living and no longer living who died fighting for our country. Good people who died too soon and those who's lives were forever changed.

 I am not one of those people who watches all the documentaries on the wars and I don't go to the memorials, not because I don't care, it's because I find the waste of young lives overwhelming. It's enraging to me that some leaders somewhere, at all points in time, make imbecilic decisions and send ordinary people to their deaths. Ordinary people are my people and no matter what country, race or religion they come from, they don't want to have to leave their store, factory, farm or fishing boats to go off and end up in trenches being shot at.

 Today is no different, I feel hopeless for the future of humanity, all our latest technology or advances is wholeheartedly embraced by those wishing to use it for war but rebuffed when it comes to using it to better society. Things like advances in medicine, sustainable living and education is viewed as some sort of witchcraft.

 Today however is not a day for me to rant about the tragedy of war, today is a day to remember the ordinary people who made the greatest sacrifices so that I get to live in a country that is not under the rule of some paranoid dictator. I may not go to the memorials but I will not forget you either, thank you for your service.

Song Association.

This morning I was listening to an interview with a lead singer of a Canadian band. He was asked how he feels when a fan talks about playing his songs at a special life event, like at a wedding or an anniversary date to a moment of great importance to that person. He said that he completely understands and is greatly flattered. He gave his own personal experience of sitting with his father as he died. He said when he walked out to his car, he thought hard about what the first song he heard should be.

 I understood because I'm the same way, whenever something happens to me, if a song plays on the radio I will forever associate that song with that moment. This can be a negative for me however and I try to be careful not to hear a song that I really like after something dark has happened to me. In fact I try to listen to a station that plays rap or country music since I will eventually forget those associations. If I hear something I like, depending on the event, I may never be able to enjoy that song again no matter how much I like it.

 There are a few songs that I used to really enjoy, however now when I hear them, I am instantly transported back in time to that sad moment and I have to turn off or jump to another tune. Unlike the band member, I try never to associate a song with a negative moment.

Nut'n but the truth.

 I will reveal the lie from the previous post. Drum roll please.... no not that quick lol. I enjoyed playing that little game but my favorite part was the different explanations for your answers some of you came up with.

 Statement number one, when Richard wrote and said Alanis is only 44, I had to google her because I believe he must have been incorrect. Surprising to me he is correct, that just made me respect her more because yes, she was in a junior grade when I was in high school. She must have started at a really young age. I remember going home and telling my parents that this young girl at my school, put on a small concert and her voice was incredible for someone so young.... so this is true.

 Statement number two, although I have said that yes, I would date a female to male transgender person if they appeared male, I have actually never met a transgender person, so this one was the lie.

 Statement number three. I recently told a fellow blogger about something very frightening that happened to a friend of mine and I could have been there at the time. Basically I had been hanging out at this guy's house every Friday or Saturday evening, we had a disagreement and I decided to stop hanging out. A few weeks later a group of guys came one evening to rob my friend's business, while it was happening my friend recognized one of the men as someone he used to work with. The guys panicked and we're afraid of being caught so they dragged him outside to kill him, they beat him almost to death, only for a neighbour he would have been found dead. He will suffer for the rest of his life from the injuries but he is a really tough guy and survived. Normally I would have been there watching movies and having a beer at that time, I am not a really tough guy, I don't want to think about "what if I had been there". They had guns but didn't want to draw attention to the sound of gun shots, they probably would have used them if they found an extra person in the house.

 I did say I was trying a lighter post, should have left that one out lol. Anyone want to try this on your blog feel free. Now I'm going to bed, I'm tired.

2 Truths & 1 Lie.

 Okay a lighter post today, I was listening to people being interviewed on the radio and the host would play this game with them, hoping to get to know them better. The guest would be given time to think during the commercial break, to come up with three interesting facts about themselves; however two of the statements were to be true and one was supposed to be a lie.

 I will try that game here, I will tell you three amazing facts about me and you guess which one is a lie. Well... maybe not amazing but different.

1) When I was in high school, there was a girl in one of the younger grades that could sing well. She would later be known as Alanis Morissette.

2) My very, very first boyfriend turned out to really be a female to male transgender person, we didn't date long but it's one of the reasons why I have no problem with dating someone transgender.

3) I used to hangout with a buddy almost every Friday night until we had a bit of an argument and I stopped going over. This would be a life saving moment as I probably would have been murdered a week or two later had I kept hanging out with him.

 There that's my three, guess which one is the lie and if you want... just for fun say why you picked that one. I would also invite you to play the same game on your blog and let me know.

Holding a Grudge.

 I try to grow as a person, "try" being the key word here. Sometimes I feel that I haven't changed but then I look back on my life and I see that I do make steps in the right direction. One thing that I have a hard time letting go of, is when someone hurts me out of the blue. I am always startled by this and I never like or trust that person ever again. I would never try to hurt someone, so I am shocked when someone does or says something hurtful towards me.

 This weekend the name of a former high school teacher came up and it reminded me of an incident that occurred between us. I generally liked this teacher, we pretty much got along when I was in school but I will confess that I was a bit of a class clown during one of her math classes. Mostly it was out of frustration on my part, I was failing the course, couldn't make heads or tails of the subject and was bored having to sit through an hour of numbers in brackets with more brackets around them.

 A few years later I happened to be at a local fair and saw her. Since I had actually liked her, I went to say hello to her. At the time I wasn't sure what to do with my life, (still don't actually) so I was working in a coffee shop in those days, not very ambitious but it paid the bills, plus I was in my early twenties. I was always a polite person, so there was no way I would have been rude to her. I went up and said hello, she started talking to me, asking me questions, she acted a little cold to me, she gave off a vibe
of being condescending towards me and I thought I saw her smirking at me, then she said something like, "wow you've really turned out to be, kind of loser".

 I was completely stunned, speechless actually. I didn't know what to say and was completely humiliated, I just walked away embarrassed. I already had low self-esteem, I felt that was the only job I was good for and now someone that I had respected just confirmed my belief. I never told anyone what had happened. I now think that she was probably carrying a chip on her shoulder over the acting up in class. At the time I naively thought teachers would be too mature to do something like that but later on I discovered everyone is immature at some point in life. I also didn't want my mom to find out, she would hate that person with a white hot intensity from day one to forever. I bumped into her years later, this time I was cool with her but I still got that condescending vibe from her, real or not.

 Her name came up because her son suddenly died this week, only in his thirties it was a shock to them.

 I was going to delete this post, I felt it was very negative regarding how I had ended it. I decided not to delete it because it was something that happened to me and I think people need to learn to be careful with what they say to another person, especially a young person that looks up to them. After I left a negative ending to this post, I didn't feel closure, I felt embarrassed by my immaturity and it was bothering me. I was thinking about altering the ending when this family had more tragedy happen to them. That was it for me, I no longer feel angry, I moved past it the minute I wrote the post. I wish only the best for that family, that's how I truly feel inside, I guess I did grow as a person here, as I should have.

Hallowasn't.

 Another Halloween whizzed by, I intended to have a little fun with it, I was supposed to blog about a few scary stories that were true. I wanted to decorate the house a little. However time got away on me again, it seems to do that a lot on me now. I didn't even buy any candy for me to pretend... it was for any kids and I would only eat it if nobody came (which they never do).

 I worked late, it poured rain all day and was very cold, so I didn't bother going to my sister's house, she usually has a cool party happening as they hand out candy to children. Darkness comes early now, as I was driving home, I noticed the said fact that there are no children in most of the small towns now. I pass through six or seven small towns on my way home and I didn't see one child out trick or treating. Twenty years ago the larger towns would have been very busy with excited kids walking up and down the streets. Now most fitting for Halloween they are ghost towns after dark.

 Well that's over with, on to the next thing I guess, maybe I can do something Christmas-ish before it's New Year's and I miss that as well.

Merry Chri... Halloween?

 Everybody sing along with me, "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, eeeven though it's Hall-o-ween"! Ok once more with feeling... lol.

 This is my garden bench, I call this photo, "my garden bench". Is there no limit to my artistic creativity! I still have onions growing in the snow.

 This evening I was invited to a neighbour's house for tea, chatting and pumpkin pie. I heard something funny last week, a young guy said that as a concept pumpkin pie sounds great but as a reality, it's not so great. I laughed because even though I enjoy a piece of pumpkin pie now that I am older, as a younger person, there would be no way you could have convinced me to eat it. Younger Steven would have classed pumpkin pie in the same category as mashed turnip, baked squash or boiled spinach, the unspoken about, food group officially known by children as ugh... blah!

 Now however I enjoy the odd slice of pumpkin pie, even better is sitting in a warm kitchen with friends talking and laughing about the local antics of certain neighbours. These neighbours are good people but seem to act as if they are characters in a sitcom.

  More snow coming tomorrow, I hope this is just a freak of nature and we will return to our gloomy grey rainy days like a normal fall. I'm not ready to deal with snow so soon.

Frightfully Good.

 While driving to work Thursday morning, I was listening to a radio host talking about a list of scary movies to watch for Halloween. I didn't like any of the movies that were mentioned, some I found annoying to watch like the Blair Witch Project and others were just gross to watch. I like to be scared by a movie, not grossed out by it. I was thinking about picking out a scary movie to mention, that doesn't follow the usual Halloween theme. One movie that is scary to watch but doesn't have a Halloween theme to it, (I have in my library) is "The Edge", it was released back in 97, this movie had me jumping in my seat. It's been a while since I watched it, so hopefully it doesn't look dated but it stars Anthony Hopkins and Alex Baldwin. It's a good movie, the scary part is that it could happen, basically some guys get stranded in the wilderness of Alaska and as they are trying to make their way back to civilization, a Kodiak bear keeps stalking them.

 And now I'm going to show you something really really scary, it's snowing here already, screeeEEEEEM! AAAAAHH! NO NO NOOOO!

Something outside, wants in.

 Late in the evening, as darkness falls, you may hear a thump, "THUMP"! You tell yourself it's just a thump, the cold causing the walls to contract or the floor to settle. Why did you just lie to yourself? You know it sounded more like a knock, a soft knock, sometimes it's three quick knocks, "thump, bump, bump. Maybe you were having a nap and it woke you up, clearing your head, you then check your door but no one is there... which you already knew but didn't want to admit to yourself.

 Some people hear it and jokingly, with a touch of nerves yell "come in"! You must never do that, you must never say that... it wants in, it's looking for the invitation. In a clear voice you must say out loud, "you may not enter, you can not come in, you are not welcome here". It's important not to invite that spirit in, very hard to get out after.

Halloween is coming, everyone needs to have a little fun with it.

Late to the movie.

This evening there was goose egg worth watching on the tv. I fired up the VCR to continue my journey through old movies of my father's, some I just never got around to watching, I always would say next week, then next week becomes next month, year, decade. I was going through a handful when I came across the movie Sea Biscuit. I remember my sister gave Dad that movie for Christmas, I had forgotten about it, I do remember it getting good reviews.

 The movie is about the racehorse Sea Biscuit, my dad being a horse fanatic, would have loved watching it. I kept putting off watching it because I felt it would be the typical Disney type of animal movie, pull at your heartstrings then something bad happens and he gets put down. However I was completely surprised by the movie, it is not at all what I thought, it certainly deserves all the praise. I think it's more about the depression era and how people were struggling so hard, that they needed a good underdog story to follow. I also liked the way it shows the background of the characters, I think it lets us understand them better. The horse doesn't show up until well into the movie.

 I think I mistook it for another mushy, cheesy, feel good movie that came out a few years ago and that's why I wouldn't watch it. There are some feel good moments but that's what the movie is about. It has some familiar faces, although they look quite young. Reading the box I was surprised to see it came out in 2003, I didn't think it's been fifteen years since it was in the theater, which explains a young looking cast like Toby Maguire. Obviously it's been sitting there for a long time waiting for me to catch up. If you happen to come across it playing on the tube late some night or have a chance to see it, I give it two thumbs up!

Aaaacheww!

 I hab a code, "sniff, sniff, sniffle", my nose is runny, "cough, cough, haaaack", I wish someone would invent a snot vacuum, then I wouldn't have to wipe my snout so much. I wanted chicken soup for supper, I ran out, life's a bitch. I wrapped myself up in a blanket and watched Star Wars on my VCR tonight because it gave me comfort. Tomorrow I will unleash this plague on my unsuspecting coworkers because one of the little bastards gave it to me.

My Own Best Fan!

 I always say, if only other people found me half as funny as I find myself, I would be a famous comedian. I crack myself up with my own stupid sense of humour, giggling for hours over something I have said or done.

 Last night I had one of those proud moments. I was checking out a dating site that I was using.  I stopped checking in lately because the guys on there weren't even interested in learning my name, let alone forming a friendship or relationship. One guy sent me two message, "hi there" and "got pics", clearly a man of few words. I think if these guys could just use grunting to communicate, they would. He has listed the fact that he is nine inches and included a photo to prove it. I knew he was expecting something back like, "me no got pics" or "we do sex now"?  However that's not me, the smart ass in me can't pass up an opportunity to say something stupid.

 I'm sure some are shocked to get back full sentences. I thought since he put the effort into emailing me, I should at least send an email back, an email which went something like this, "nine inches holy crap, there is no way I'm letting you near me with that thing"!!! The funny thing is when I do something like that, they almost always want to meet me, as did Mr Nine inch nail, maybe they sense I'm not just another warm place to put it and they are probably trying to find something different as well. Unless that's your thing, it's all good, I'm not judging.

Losing the numbers game.

 Lately the media keeps throwing out stats and the results from studying those numbers. The one constantly ringing in my ears is, "if you are, male, 45 or over, gay and single, then you will remain single until the end of your days". I feel an overwhelming sadness at the thoughts of going the rest of my life alone. Somehow I know this will come true, I have always known.

 The heart wants what it wants, that keeps popping up in my head. I was emailing with another blogger the other day (a very handsome guy, hey my buddy "Mk" ) I was telling him about the two guys I have been in contact with the most. One is a little odd but a really nice guy, he is very loyal to friends, very family oriented, good financial head on his shoulders, trustworthy. He would make someone a great life partner, yet I have no attraction towards him. I have tried and tried to open myself up to the idea of dating him but it doesn't work that way, I feel nothing. In fact I think part of me it becoming annoyed with my practical side and is starting to dislike him in retaliation. Maybe punishment for trying to force the notion of being in an unwanted relationship.

 Guy number two pushes all the right buttons, I find everything about him to be attractive. Speaking to him makes my knees feel weak, I wish he would just grab me and plant a romantic kiss on my lips. He is nice to me but unfortunately he doesn't seem to have any interest in me. If I ask him to meet me somewhere, he will say yes and we have a good time; however unless I contact him, I never hear from him. I don't get so much as an email or text from him asking how I'm doing. The truth is, it's not because he is a mean person, it's because when he is busy, I'm nowhere on his radar, he never thinks of me.

 As a gay male the numbers seem to be stacked against me, even my "self" seems to be working against me, picking the wrong man to have a crush on. I guess if you are a male, are 44 years old and gay, then there is still hope for you but you better act fast.

Scent of a Man.

 I don't wear cologne, never have. I find most men that do, really don't know how to use it, they put way too much on and it over powers me. Sometimes it's the cheap stuff and I think it's made out of diesel fuel or skunks collected as road kill. The standard rule of thumb happens to be, if the paint peels off the walls as you walk by, then you probably used too much.

 Some guys however were made to wear it. There is some kind of crazy combination of natural scent, plus the cologne. When these guys work near or with me, it's hard to not let my mind wander and imagine all sorts of scenes from a personal gay porn, starring me and lover boy. I begin to wonder what they smell like naked, what would it be like to make love to them, breath them in as we kiss and caress. It's like they have some hidden sex pheromones pressing all my correct buttons. These days at work, there are a couple of straight guys torturing me, they smell so, so good, makes me feel very gay! :)

Spilling Time.

 I think as we get older we begin to appreciate time more, one day we wake up and realize that time is not limitless, it has an expiration date. I was thinking about all the things in life we do that are a complete waste of time, the odd thing is at that moment in our life, we often don't realize that we are wasting time, we may even think that we are accomplishing something. It's kind of like having a bottle of the most refreshing drink that you could ever imagine. Do you savor every drop or are you careless and spill it... gone forever when it soaks into the earth.

 I often feel that I was careless, that I spilled my bottle. Part was done on purpose, I was/am a master procrastinator, also I confess that I could certainly have been a lot more ambitious in life. On the other hand I try to tell myself not to look back, past mistakes and bad choices were from the inexperience of youth. I learned from the mistakes I made because I saw how things didn't work out.

 October already, how did the month sneak up on me so fast. Fall usually makes me melancholy, it gets worse as I age. A large part of it comes from my mother, she hated winter so much that she would get upset at the prospect of the last week of August. I think the problem with the perception of fall, is that it signals the end of everything before winter's grip takes hold. I try not to be like mom, I try to embrace fall, for example the colours, the cool nights, snuggling up with a hot drink, a warm fire place, Halloween and everything that comes with it, the fall harvests, especially apples, apple crumble, apple tarts, apple pie, well you get the picture, did I mention apple turnovers. Fall really is a nice time of year and I want to train myself to enjoy it, there is no use wasting time worrying about what season comes after. The cut off point here is Halloween, after that the colours are gone, like my mood everything turns a dreary November grey so I allow myself to grumble when the time comes. Until then however I am savoring the final drops of fall.