Saturday, November 3, 2018

Holding a Grudge.

 I try to grow as a person, "try" being the key word here. Sometimes I feel that I haven't changed but then I look back on my life and I see that I do make steps in the right direction. One thing that I have a hard time letting go of, is when someone hurts me out of the blue. I am always startled by this and I never like or trust that person ever again. I would never try to hurt someone, so I am shocked when someone does or says something hurtful towards me.

 This weekend the name of a former high school teacher came up and it reminded me of an incident that occurred between us. I generally liked this teacher, we pretty much got along when I was in school but I will confess that I was a bit of a class clown during one of her math classes. Mostly it was out of frustration on my part, I was failing the course, couldn't make heads or tails of the subject and was bored having to sit through an hour of numbers in brackets with more brackets around them.

 A few years later I happened to be at a local fair and saw her. Since I had actually liked her, I went to say hello to her. At the time I wasn't sure what to do with my life, (still don't actually) so I was working in a coffee shop in those days, not very ambitious but it paid the bills, plus I was in my early twenties. I was always a polite person, so there was no way I would have been rude to her. I went up and said hello, she started talking to me, asking me questions, she acted a little cold to me, she gave off a vibe
of being condescending towards me and I thought I saw her smirking at me, then she said something like, "wow you've really turned out to be, kind of loser".

 I was completely stunned, speechless actually. I didn't know what to say and was completely humiliated, I just walked away embarrassed. I already had low self-esteem, I felt that was the only job I was good for and now someone that I had respected just confirmed my belief. I never told anyone what had happened. I now think that she was probably carrying a chip on her shoulder over the acting up in class. At the time I naively thought teachers would be too mature to do something like that but later on I discovered everyone is immature at some point in life. I also didn't want my mom to find out, she would hate that person with a white hot intensity from day one to forever. I bumped into her years later, this time I was cool with her but I still got that condescending vibe from her, real or not.

 Her name came up because her son suddenly died this week, only in his thirties it was a shock to them.

 I was going to delete this post, I felt it was very negative regarding how I had ended it. I decided not to delete it because it was something that happened to me and I think people need to learn to be careful with what they say to another person, especially a young person that looks up to them. After I left a negative ending to this post, I didn't feel closure, I felt embarrassed by my immaturity and it was bothering me. I was thinking about altering the ending when this family had more tragedy happen to them. That was it for me, I no longer feel angry, I moved past it the minute I wrote the post. I wish only the best for that family, that's how I truly feel inside, I guess I did grow as a person here, as I should have.


Jennifer said...

I agree that she was carrying a chip on her shoulder, but I doubt it had anything to do with you or how you behaved in class. She probably is and was a bitter person full of insecurities about herself and her parenting. People like her have no business teaching. I'm sorry she made you feel so bad, but her ugliness says far more about her than you.

Mistress Maddie said...

Karma sees everything...she is a bitch and ALWAYS gets even. You have the right to say what you did. That is a poor attitude for a teacher to take. Most are tickled when a past pupil comes up to them to greet them. And if she knew you were struggling back then she should have offered some extra assistance or tutoring options, that bitch. She apparently had the same parenting skill too.

I will give you a hug anyhow.

Deedles said...

I'm sorry that happened to you. Some people should never be teachers or parents. You, dear heart, are a sweetie, and don't let anyone tell you different! I'm throwing in a couple of hugs, too. I love how Anne Marie doesn't need a mountain of words to make her point! I could learn from that, but probably won't.

Michael said...

I agree with what Jennifer is saying. It is all about her and what she's carrying around. As a teacher myself, I try really hard not to let their antics get to me as they are not adults. I have taught thousands of kids, and I always like it when they come back and see me, even the ones that drove me a bit nuts!

John Going Gently said...

You may have just caught her on a bad day. We all can write so many narratives when this sort of thing happens....

Old Lurker said...

Ouch. I used to think you were a nice guy, but I guess that is just an act so you can get your way.

I hope people don't think ill of my parents because of what I have become.