Friday, December 28, 2018
I'm not a religious person (anymore) but I still like to celebrate Christmas, to me it's more about traditions, family and friends. I never know how I'm going to feel about the day as there have been many negative changes in my life these last few years. I am training myself to see the holiday for what it was intended, a fun cheerful time to break up the darkest days and impending winter. I don't mean to take away anything from people who see it as a holy time, it's just a fact as to why so many religions hold special holidays with lights, gifts, feasts around this time of year.
I didn't go to mass Christmas eve this year. I usually go as part of the tradition, I had stopped for a while but I found that I was missing something and so started again years ago. I mostly went to hear the choir and see old friends who came home for Christmas. Last year however I realized that I no longer enjoyed it, the tradition was lost. I was alone, I have no family. I don't know most of the people who come now, there is no more choir to speak of, they put it at five o'clock and there was a chorus of wailing kids who have never been to mass since last Christmas, with parents that had no control of the situation. Instead of a gathering after, everyone now rushes home to Christmas eve dinner, as I drove away last year I said to myself, "sadly this is my last time going".
This Christmas was good, mom was able to leave the home for a day out, my sister lives a little more than an hour away and we go there for Christmas day lunch, it's always been our tradition that the big meal is at noon. Mom was in a happy mood, we enjoyed ourselves, sometimes she was in her own world and sometimes she was with us, each year it's less but we take what we can get.
This year was another unbelievable marker in time for us. This was Christmas number ten without my Dad. Where did the time go, I remember blogging about it, that one day it will be year ten and now, here we are! I really miss him at Christmas because he could be the biggest kid of us all at Christmas. I often joke that he was my eating buddy, we both liked the old style Christmas cakes, cookies and desserts. Most people these days only want the store bought goop so there is no point in making any as I will be the only one eating them. I don't feel sad however; I guess I have gotten used to the idea that he is gone, I'm just unnerved by the passage of time. I also didn't want to feel melancholy, we had a good day and I wanted to just accept the day. If you remember only a few weeks ago mom could never have left her nursing home, we even suspected she may not make it to Christmas, now here she was, enjoying herself, even making funny jokes and I wanted to leave it at that.
People think the worst thing at Christmas is a house full of family, (I know there are exceptions like abuse or heavy drinking/drugs etc) over the last few weeks I had read many blogs or posts online, moaning about family at Christmas, I have experienced both large family gatherings when I was younger to now, just me here alone, trust me there is nothing worse than waking up to an empty house Christmas morning. Sometimes it feels like past memories are not really memories at all, they are scenes from a Christmas movie that I had watched, old photos tell me the memories are real, that it wasn't a movie. I no longer feel hopeless about this either, I just need to build a new family, I was hoping to have made connections by now but no. Still there is next year and at the rate time keeps speeding up, I don't have to wait long for next Christmas. Lol, maybe I will just leave everything up and pretend I'm efficient.
Posted by Sooo-this-is-me at 1:52 PM
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This is my 17th Christmas year without my dad. I still remember how he used to steal freshly baked hockey pucks(my mother's baked cookies) to dunk in his coffee to soften them enough to eat. The only thing I hated about Christmas was the fact that my mother would ruin it for everyone by playing the pity card. It never failed to happen. Then she would leave the dinner table and go cry outside in the cold. We sorta caught on that we shouldn't bother her when she acted like that because feeling sorry for her made her mad or even worse. I really hated Christmas until I got married. Now David and I do Christmas our way. We celebrate Yule starting on Winter Solstice and ending on New Year's day. It is exactly 12 to 13 days of presents and celebration every single day. It is the original pagan celebration of the Sun King's birth. It's better than the crazy madness of Christmas and dashed expectations.
Blessed Yuletide, darlin.
For Carlos and me, Christmas is for the two of us, to relax and reflect and just be together. We do the family and friends thing at Thanksgiving and so we like a quiet Christmas.
This it the tenth year without my mom at Christmas but I always do something, make something, bake something, that she'd have done, so in a way, she's always here.
I have not seen my toxic family since 1988. nuff said.
spouse's parents died in 2005 & 2015. we spend the day together with the cats. nothing wrong with that.
I am glad that you were able to spend time with your mom and your sister.
Is this the blog entry you were talking about? http://sooo-this-is-me.blogspot.com/2009/07/until-we-meet-again.html . You don't make these entries easy to find. (Maybe it is just as well. These were sad entries to read.)
Perhaps in 2019 you'll do some volunteering in the LGBTQ+ community. That's a great way to meet people, make friends and start creating your own "chosen family."
It’s great you did spend time with family and you enjoyed it. That’s what matters. Like you, I don’t see much fun into the whole. Hutch celebration. I don’t do that. I’d rather spend time with my chosen family.
Sounds like Christmas went well and your family enjoyed themselves. What more can you ask for?
Yes RB is right xx
Leanna, it's possible that your mother had a touch of seasonal affective disorder, that's too bad. I think what you are doing is the best antidote, create your own new tradition with someone you love.
Bob, my last most enjoyable Christmases were with my last boyfriend, it adds special meaning when you are with someone you love. I like your baking comment, a lot of the things I do are in a way, trying to keep my parents and grandparents spirit of Christmas with me.
Anne Marie, nope nothing wrong with that, I have friends as well where the best thing they can do is go ahead without their nasty family, no head games, yelling or tears, just enjoyment.
Old Lurker, I never reference an old post because you're supposed to concentrate on what I am saying in the current one. I don't expect people to go on a treasure hunt lol. You really worry me sometimes lol, I think I probably mentioned time passing before, at least I think I have. That was hard to read and really upset me last night, that's all your fault, you should feel bad now, you are a bad man, a very bad man, you need a spanking, well actually no... got you, I'm just kidding you.
Debra, you keep saying that and it makes sense but I'm not listening, maybe I need a good kick in the butt! Seriously I know that I need to create a new family or I will be alone, simple as that.
Sixpence, yes I enjoyed it and that's what I was hoping for. Still however it's not my Christmas, it's me stepping into my sister's Christmas, I need my own Christmas.
RB, it went ok but it's still missing the special feeling, I need a special person to share it with.
John, I'm glad to read you made it through your Christmas intact, I hope good things come your way in the new year.
I tell you, one day your going to get me to shed some tears.
While Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I do enjoy Christmas. I refuse to let this modern society rain on my parade. I will keep my family traditions going and enjoy the good times with family and friends. Enjoy the beauty of the decorations and the copious amounts of food and drink. Glad to hear your mother and your Christmas went well. That is gift enough
One year you can join me for Christmas! Ill show you the secrets to my mothers famous Sand Tart making...
Yes, that was hard to read. It made me feel bad too.
Debra: Please give Steven a good kick in the butt.
P.S. Reading your old entries it is pretty clear to me that both your mom and your dad knew you were gay and loved you anyway.
Maddie, you can't believe the fight Santa and I had, finally he slammed his first down on the arm of his chair and yelled at me, "for the last time little Stevie, I SAID NO! No you can't have Maddie and the Lad naked under your tree for Christmas morning, END OF STORY! Now get off Santa's lap like a good boy and have a candy cane".
Old Lurker, they did threaten to sell me to gypsies many... many times, I guess they got used to me. :)
I'm glad you could spend time with your mother away from the home.
Thank you Richard, it was a good day.
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