There is one thing that drives me crazy with the gay culture, that is this obsessive need to place everyone into a category, top, bottom, vers, etc. I always cringe when I hear that, I feel sex should not be regimented between two people and they should be allowed to explore. It also irritates me when you see that there is a subtle hint, the bottom is thought less of a man than the top. There are a lot of jokes and giggling about the bottom but not the top, the bottom can sometimes be referred to as the 'wife' or 'my bitch,' that is what bothers me, the bottom is still a man and not some sort of second class woman. The top is viewed as the strong one, dare we say almost a straight male. Who is kidding whom, the guy on top is performing as much of a gay sex act as the guy on the bottom. I don't see how someone could think himself more of a man by his position with his partner because unless his partner is a woman, he is not straight. The other question is what are his issues that he confuses being a straight male with being a man.
The other night, lying in bed I was jokingly thinking over my relationship position in the gay world, I was laughing to myself, wondering if I am more of a top or bottom. I always want to be thought of as masculine so I figured I am a top. However when I really thought about it, deep down I suddenly started to see why I am so offended by some attitudes towards bottoms, it hit me, "oh no I'm a bottom!" Yes it is true, (slightly) well not in a kinky or submissive way but in my own way, I want to be rescued. I want the other guy to be the one to take charge, I want him to look out for me, I can still kill the spiders in the bath tub but I want him to be the head of the household - well slightly. In relationships, I want him to pursue me, I need to feel wanted, I need to be desired by someone. I feed off the energy that I get from the attention directed towards me. Honestly it feels good to be wanted. When I was young and one of my friends would come in, driving a pickup, shirtless, ball cap or cowboy hat, and get me to go swimming with them, I always had a thought of how hot it would be if they were picking me up for a date.
I also realized the position I favour from thinking back to when I did actually have a boyfriend. I loved being able to sometimes just lay back, relax and let him do most of the work. He noted how tense I would be always at the beginning, but after some heavy kissing for a while, he would feel me at ease under him and then he would start penetration. Yes I thought it hurt, but it hurt so good. My thing is I find it so erotic to watch the other guy, to see, hear and feel his pleasure knowing it is because of me. To have him deeply thrust and deeply kiss me at the same time, the chemistry of our connection. I loved the protective warm feeling of his body over me, running my hands down his back, I loved watching him begin to lose control, as he gets closer to the point, the change in rhythm, the change in his breathing, him trying to be gentle with me but falling under strong convulsions of pleasure, his face expressing ecstasy, the increasing low moans and sighs of pure joy, those final deep primal thrusts of the hips. Such raw emotion and in that moment he is lost to the world, gone to his own space of pleasure, slowly he comes back to me and I am the first thing he sees, then there is always that kiss, deep complete, an unspoken way of saying thank you for taking me there.
I know when I fantasize about someone I often see myself in that position so why should I feel like I am taking the lesser role. Maybe it is the romantic in me but I like the idea of being looked after, not dominated though, I am way too stubborn to let that happen. I am more the damsel in distress, than the fem in leather having a gold shower while calling some guy master. Well so now I know the truth about which position I would really favour if I had to choose, I think it is kind of funny, so I am not a top big deal, I am not going to worry about it, lets drink to that, bottoms up!