Friday, January 18, 2008

Lost In Myself

Sometimes I feel lost, inside that is, and it seems at times more now than ever. Sometimes I feel I knew who I was more as a person hiding and pretending to be a straight man than this person who I am suppose to become as a gay man. Before things were black and white to me, now things appear grey in some areas and I never know, were they always gray and I just refused to see them, is black and white childish or a simple way to see the world. Sometimes I wonder, am I becoming more open minded about things or less moral. I always promised myself that I would not let my sexuality define me, that sex would not define me but it seems to be the only focal point of being gay. Either you are in the game, or you are not, if you don't 'play' then you can't join the club. Yes people do go on to form relationships but it seems you have to go through an initiation first. If I accept that, am I coming to terms with who/what I am, or have I just become so worn down that I no longer resist it.
The more I walk along this journey, the less shocked by people I become. It is as if my telling people I am gay, gives them the the okay to tell me about a secret. Maybe I am proof to them that life is gray and not just black and white, it could be that is why they tell me, because I should be able to see all sides to a story. My fear is they tell me because they see me now as damaged goods. Maybe I am proof to myself that things are not always black and white, do I see the bigger picture, actually I think I do, I am *usually not quick to judge (*shout out to Zac) because there is often more than meets the eye in a situation. Then that leaves the question, who is Steven now, he is certainly not the same guy from ten years ago, even not the same guy from a year ago. If coming out is suppose to be finding who I am, then why do I feel so lost lately. Was the old Steven really me or was he just the new Steven with his eyes closed.


Steve said...

Of course you will feel lost sometimes, and more now than ever. You have lived your life in black and white and have gotten used to it. Changing this makes you loose many things that have been normal and comfortable for you for years. I will not tell you that you will get your former comfortable black and white world back again soon. You will stay in the grey for quite some time and it will confuse you. A lot. But I can promise you that at some point you will start to notice how great grey can be and you will wonder how you could have ever settled for the comfortable but boring black and white.

Paul said...

No way, you're not all of a sudden "damaged goods."

Don't define yourself by what you do with what's between your legs, define yourself by what's between your ears.

I do believe that how you define morality may likely change. But then, that's your decision; not gay society's.

danny/ink2metal said...

oh dear, steven!

life should never just black or white. we are all unique individuals colored in shades of gray. and it's okay if you don't like every shade of gray you see. nobody does.

so don't pressure yourself so much to try and fit into a black or white when it comes to sex. have sex or don't have sex, neither choice should define who you are but accept that it is part of you and how you interact with guys you meet and that it will affect how these guys will interact with you.

of course it still feels awkward because you haven't had enough experiences as an openly gay man to know any different, but that's okay. give yourself time to acclimate. you are just as normal as the rest of us...hmm, that might not be saying much! LOL

anyway, steven, everyday is a day to learn more about our ownselves. don't get so stuck on who you used to be or who you are becoming. sometimes we will like who we see in the mirror and sometimes we'll cringe, but the beauty of this is that we can always make the changes for the better. change is inevitable but still within our control.

*hugs* and try to enjoy your weekend without worrying too much about this. enjoy the moment!

Anonymous said...

im with you. boy am i with you.

Vic Mansfield said...

Well, after all, you had lots more practice and WAY more role models for the old stuff.

Life is definitely NOT black and white, and it is beyond gray. Dare I make a comment about rainbows?

There are many facets and many gifts to being gay. We are often very gentle, understanding, open-minded, loving, caring, sensitive people. Those things are not (obviously) strictly gay things, but you don't find them all in most straight guys.

Also, we are naturally and deeply spiritual folk. really. Spirituality and sexuality are just a hair's breadth apart. I'm not being funny here.

Sometimes we take sex way too lightly. Often times the culture takes it way too seriously. Either extremem is unhealthy, IMHO.

Yes, it is part of what we are and what we do. But it is not the whole of it. Is gay culture "over sexed"? It is the straights who have foisted upon us a definition of who we are based on our sexual activity. When we have been pushed so far to the margins of life, is it any wonder we act out with sex?

Don't over-do it, but don't run away from it. We are both beginning exciting and bewildering journeys into lands we knew not, even a year ago.

Go easy, especially with yourself. Tread gently, but keep walking. Be careful, but have some fun.

Move beyond that black-&-white, honey, go for the colors!

Doug said...

Life isn't just not black and white. There are 6+ billion people in the world, each a constantly shifting combination of different shades of a multitude of colors.

I found your comment about becoming less moral interesting. I subscribe to a humanist definition of morality. By that definition, each of us is allowed to live our life to the fullest, the only limit being that we allow every other individual the same right. Too often we let others define our morality for us by arbitrary definitions.

There isn't just one "game" out there. You see the most visible game of one night stands and sex-first relationships, but there are other games available to play, and the initiation isn't always the same.

I have found that chaos often follows drastic change. It takes time to settle into new patterns. You will find yourself. Give yourself time.

john said...

I have found that as I discover who I am, some things change, but some things will remain the same. I have found that there are different perspectives on life that I didn't think about before. I feel like I've allowed myself to grow somewhat and I hope that I will continue to grow as I let a little more light into this cramped closet of mine.

daveincleveland said...

straight society i believe has taught that being gay is having sex with men...thats whats in their mind, but ok, then being straight is having sex with women if you want to look at it that way, i don't think we are any more oversexed that our straight male far as being damaged goods kind sir, look at it as finally realizing that you are who you are still steven, will always be steven you are what defines you, not sex, not gay, but are just beginning to unravel more of whom steven really is and while at times you feel awesome and all powerful, the next minute yeah, you could feel lost, because you are following a whole new road map, and you hae never been this route so everyday every minute,every second is a new learning experience for you..god knows i know what its like, and like you in former life everything was black and white, but now its grays,blacks,whites and all the other colors that make us up....laughter,tears, compassion, big hearts...thats us man, just us...enjoy,embrace and follow that new map, perhaps with 2 following we can find our way in this wacky world that so many others have followed and successfully joined
hugs from cleveland

Darth Gateau said...

maybe people don't see you as damaged goods, perhaps they see you as more open now that you have told them you're gay, could be why they want to confide in you with their secrets, to trust someone with something so important to them that they feel they can't let the rest of the world know? Maybe.
And if it helps, I've been kicking around for years and it's all still grey, confusing and sometimes downright hair-raising. Is seeing everything in 'black and white' a good thing anyway? Not everything can be pigeon-holed into just 2 options, sometimes the situation dictates where it's placed and some things just don't fit anywhere but the billion shades of grey section. It's not just gay that's grey.

Patrick said...

After living your life one way, with one viewpoint, you've decided to make a major change. Why WOULD'T you feel lost? We stay in lives that are wrong for us because they feel safe, or at least familiar. Giving all that up for the hope of something healthier and more vibrant is a leap of faith. But as you say yourself, you're already seeing improvements in your life.

When we're feeling lost it's tempting to look around for answers, we'll see the most obvious, or loudest community, and it's easy to believe that is the only community there is. There are gay guys who only think about hooking up; they're not the guys you're likely to be friends with. Fortunately they're not the only guys out there, perhaps they're just the easiest ones to see right now.

Robert said...

You're doing fine my friend. Take in everything... the good and the bad, the beautiful and the absurd... learn to filter by never losing your head and knowing who you are!

Have a great weekend Steven!!

Cardinal said...

The sheer amount of support you have right here should be some indication as to the guy you are inside, now and before.

It's true you're not usually quick to judge. I'm glad that after those few times that you do judge, you keep your mind open to the possibility that you were wrong. That makes you more of a man than most gay and straight men. You're different. You don't play by the rules of the "game." That's one of the reasons I call you my friend.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Again thank you guys, you come through strong with your support. Some days I am always wondering, 'is it normal to feel this way' and then it feels comforting to hear that most of you went through or are going through the same things. I know it should be clear to me but sometimes I just need someone to say it out loud (or type it) well you know what I mean. I really hope I get to meet at least a few of you guys some day. It is again too hard to answer each one of you properly the way you should be answered after thoughtful comments like these but it is important that you all know I read your comments and take them to heart.