Sometimes I feel lost, inside that is, and it seems at times more now than ever. Sometimes I feel I knew who I was more as a person hiding and pretending to be a straight man than this person who I am suppose to become as a gay man. Before things were black and white to me, now things appear grey in some areas and I never know, were they always gray and I just refused to see them, is black and white childish or a simple way to see the world. Sometimes I wonder, am I becoming more open minded about things or less moral. I always promised myself that I would not let my sexuality define me, that sex would not define me but it seems to be the only focal point of being gay. Either you are in the game, or you are not, if you don't 'play' then you can't join the club. Yes people do go on to form relationships but it seems you have to go through an initiation first. If I accept that, am I coming to terms with who/what I am, or have I just become so worn down that I no longer resist it.
The more I walk along this journey, the less shocked by people I become. It is as if my telling people I am gay, gives them the the okay to tell me about a secret. Maybe I am proof to them that life is gray and not just black and white, it could be that is why they tell me, because I should be able to see all sides to a story. My fear is they tell me because they see me now as damaged goods. Maybe I am proof to myself that things are not always black and white, do I see the bigger picture, actually I think I do, I am *usually not quick to judge (*shout out to Zac) because there is often more than meets the eye in a situation. Then that leaves the question, who is Steven now, he is certainly not the same guy from ten years ago, even not the same guy from a year ago. If coming out is suppose to be finding who I am, then why do I feel so lost lately. Was the old Steven really me or was he just the new Steven with his eyes closed.