Sunday, January 27, 2008

Out a Little & Outed a Little

Not much to report in Steven's gay news these days, a few days ago I told another high school friend. Not from the high school in the country but here in the city as I went two years to high school in this city. My friend (I'll call her M) is pretty open about things so I knew it would be okay with her. I thought she might already suspect as she has gay friends, so I figured she may have clued in long ago. I was surprised by her reaction, she was shocked, she said that she never saw it coming, she told me that it really floored her. I know it is wrong but that always makes me feel good. She thanked me for counting her into the group of people I felt comfortable enough to tell. She was very encouraging and supportive.

I was also outed to someone a few days ago, Lyn was telling a very close mutual friend of ours (I'll call her P) that she is a lesbian, P then asked if I was gay as well, this is not the first time she has asked Lyn about me. Since Lyn and I seem to be together a lot lately she figured it out. My friend 'P' is also cool about these things so I had told Lyn not to lie about me if backed into a corner by her, so she told her that I was gay also. I only received an email about it so far so I have not had a chance to ask Lyn how it went down. Lyn apologized and felt terrible for spilling the beans but I reminded her that I know she can't really lie, especially not to P, she would be able to see it on Lyn's face, plus I had already told Lyn not to lie. I am actually not upset at all about it, makes one less person for me to have to tell. Strange to think that only six months ago, this would have been the end of the world to me.

When I started this blog, the first blog writers I contacted were guys also in the closet. Even though I had been reading other blogs for one to two years, I thought I would start off making contact with other guys in the same boat (or closet) as me. Usually they were younger than me but the fears were the same, it has been interesting watching their progress. I had pretty much put the idea of telling my parents on hold, I though maybe I would never tell them. These thoughts of telling them have surfaced again. The reason is I proudly read where one of these younger guys (Matt at Closet-NS) bravely decided to get it over with and came out to his parents, (way to go buddy, you are going to have to change your blog title)! It really has me thinking but also confused as to what I should do. I feel he is lucky now, no actually more like free now, free in that he will not have to worry anymore about something getting back to his family, free to be able to just go ahead and live his life. The only difference is that my parents are from a very different generation than his parents. I can't figure out where the balance will be, tell them and maybe feel free but also have a wedge between us, or not tell them and still have a wedge between us that only I can see. I find now that when I am around people who don't know about me, I feel drained. I feel like I have stepped back in time, back into the closet and I don't want to be there anymore. I think there is no clear answer to this in my case, maybe it is just one of those steps that I will have to take and see how it works itself out. A lot for me to think over.


Daniel Thomasson said...

I want to say congrats on feeling this comfortable to be out. I takes a long time to reach this point. I've been reading your blog for about 6 or 8 months now and have seen your progress. I think it is harder for someone to come out later in life. There is more to lose.

As far as outing yourself to your parents. I say do it. I outed myself to my parents before I moved out of their house. I was moving in with my now ex-boyfriend at the time and I felt they needed to know. I haven't told many in my extended family, but word has gotten out. Now when I go back home I feel like the big purple elephant in the room that no one talks about. I feel like there is some invisible barrier that keeps me from having the same connection to my family that I once had. Times may be tough at first, but by letting them know, it will only help the relationship.

When I told my parents, they both said they didn't approve. Now my mother wants to know what's going on in my life. She wants to know if a date went well. She wants to know that I am happy. My step-dad still makes him comments about not accepting it, but I just ignore them.

Whatever you decide to do about telling your parents, I wish you all the luck and courage in the world.

S said...

I think that's the problem: You think too much.

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and not overanalyze every (potential) action.

don said...

Don't sell you parents short on this one buddy. They might actually take it quite well.
My parents are also small town and from an older generation. Their reaction was, well, no reaction. They did not have the skills to cope with such news. They just said,"Oh we thought it was something like that". Then they moved on to other topics. I was totally deflated however my parents deflection worked for them in that it bought them some time to process the news. And it certainly did take them awhile but it was important to them to see that I really was OK.

Cincy Diva said...

I always have velieved if someone asks you a personal question such as "Are you gay", there's a reason they are asking and it is better off you do not lie.
However, if somone calls me ma'am, which happens a lot, I do not correct them.

Steve said...

There is no clear answer to this in your case, but I think you should just let it go its own way.

Just continue coming out to other people, and leave coming out to your parents aside for now. Perhaps in a few months you will have a clearer answer on the questions whether to come out to your parents or not...

john said...

Way to go!! Yes, it is relieving in that you have less people to tell. It's also relieving to be able to talk about it openly or to not have to censor your conversation.
I met someone in the gym today who says he was closeted for the longest time. We were in the gym alone and he just started a conversation, asking if the music he changed the radio station bothered me--from there, we just started talking about where we go on the weekends. I told him I had never heard of those bars and he finally looked a little away and said "That's because they are gay". I was surprised, actually taken aback that he would so openly admit it.
Our conversation carried on from there. I may or may not blog about it.

Unknown said...

It great that you feel comfortable being out a little. It took me ages to feel comfortable being gay, before I even considered telling anyone. I was in the closet for a really long time. Telling friends took courage and after, it felt wierd for a while, but it went well and nothing changed. Coming out to my parents was ok I guess. They handeled it very well, which I found strange since I expected fireworks. I got the opposite - love, and support. Things didn't change really and my folks (and sister) love my partner too. It will take time. Don't rush things. Best of luck dear friend.

TWISI said...

RELAX... just let it go and don't stress over the answers, just RELAX!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Daniel, thanks for your honesty, so not easy for you at the beginning but getting better now I take it.

Steven, that is so me buddy, I think things over and over a hundres times before I say or do anything. Then still make the wrong choice!

Don, I know it will be hard on them, maybe if they understand I am happier now like your parents, that will help them.

Cincy, I am at the point now where if someone were to ask me, I am comfortable enough to say yes. I don't want to lie anymore.

Steve, for now I will follow that train of thought, we will see what happends in the future.

John, I so want to hear all about the guy at the gym, I hope you make a friend to be able to talk to!

M, oh yes I completely understand about being in the closet for a long time. I worry about the stress I will place on them. I am so glad things turned out so well for you, your family and partner.

Kendall, it is hard to relax, I am kind of a stressful person.

Bill said...

Isn't it funny how small and cramped that closet looks the more steps you take away from it? Now you can start keeping things like clothes in it.

You might be surprised...when you are in your 30's and don't date women and aren't married, your parents probably already know. Being gay isn't a brand new thing; we've been around a l-o-n-n-n-g time. Who knows, they might look at you with relief and say "We were so afraid you were a serial killer. Thank God you're gay." :)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bill, I never thought of it that way, woohoo! I'm better than a serial killer! Just teasing I know what you meant. I think they know, just they don't want to know.

Jess said...

Sharing the truth is liberating. Of course, that's easy to say. You have to do what feels right for you. I know that's pretty empty advice, but it's hard to know what is best for someone I haven't even met face-to-face.

Whatever you decide, I hope things continue to go well!