Let me take you back to the holidays for one paragraph. On Christmas eve when I went to mass, I was very aware of all the people I grew up with being married, having kids and knowing I am not a part of that. I also wondered what if these people knew, would I still get the greetings, hugs and kisses from old neighbors that watched me grow up. A family we know well (by generations) sat in front of us, their two sons grown now, tall good looking rouged boys, young men actually in their twenties. Since I went away when they were small they realized who I was because of my parents. Smiling they shook my hand in a friendly greeting and I could not help wondering, if you knew would you still be that friendly. I was going to write about this when I came back, but decided not to start the new year off by whining. I will jump to another topic but this will tie in later.
Saturday evening I was trying to get someone to go out with me, I figured since I told everyone they had to dance I had better do the same, plus Patrick sort of pointed that out so I wanted to be able to say yes to him about the dancing part. I had left it a little too late I guess as everyone was busy, I figured I would go myself anyway as punishment for being a smart ass. I was looking up clubs near me to see which one would have an atmosphere I would like. There were Facebook groups for certain clubs so I went there for more info. I was looking through the profiles of people who support each club to see if I knew any of them. I always want to see if anyone I know is gay as well. I know the chances for someone my age are slim since I think most would be out by now, and no I am not going to tell you I found one of my old school friends on a gay bar support site. However looking through did finally give me my WOW moment! I saw 'him' and started yelling 'WOW I can't believe it, I can't believe it!' There was one of the boys that sat in front of me at church! I could not believe it! You would never guess this guy was gay, in fact if I had to guess I would think the other brother was gay and not him, my gaydar never beeped even once in the few times I met him. So I guess they would not mind if we shook hands after all. I was checking out his profile and he had pictures of himself and his boyfriend! I was thinking this is so cool.
I was checking out his friends and was surprised to see so many people from my parents home town were there. This shocked me a little since they would clearly see he is gay. I had to admire him for coming out and was envious of him compared to when I was his age. Then I began to read comments on his photos, things like "you guys look so sweet together" etc. I am happy for the guy, I heard he is a really nice guy but something began to build inside of me. I felt like I was about to cry, there was such a pressure behind my eyes and in my chest. It was seeing his friends being so supportive and not caring he was gay, it was seeing some of the older people also being supportive. I am happy that he gets to live in a world like this now. The thing that threw me into a total tailspin of anguish is the fact this is the same town from my post about people not wanting to talk about the gay teacher, gay was seen as vile then and I feel like I need to mourn the loss of a life I can never get back. I know I should not think that way but I can't help it. Part of me wants to cry because I am so happy he will get to live his life, but part of me wants to cry at my loss. I can remember as a teen, day dreaming about having a boyfriend and everyone being happy for me. Being able to go to dances and parties with him, like it was something that happened everyday. He is at the beginning of his adult life and has plenty of time to see if this relationship works or if he will have to move on. However I find myself trying to meet someone as a partner in life too late, I fear the fact that most of the good ones are already taken long ago. He has pictures of them taking trips together and I have to deal with creeps on the internet. I can't sleep, a lot of emotions running through my head at the moment so, no sorry guys I did not feel like dancing last night, I will again someday and when I do, maybe I will make my way to that bar and say hello to him.