Damaged Goods

The other day I was chatting with someone about the frustration of meeting people online. So far I have only made one friend after being months on line. He is a very nice guy, a little older but to be honest I am not comfortable around him. He is a little too proper and hard to read. With him I feel like when a person becomes friends with an old elementary school teacher, there is always that feeling like you have to still sit up straight and watch what you say. The person I was chatting with, said that he heard most people on line were damaged goods. I am starting to believe he is right, even myself when you think about it, I would agree it is not healthy to deny yourself for so long.

Not making friends and feeling lonely I decided to kick it up a bit, so I put up an ad that said I was looking for friends and if more developed, well that would be good also. Oh man did it hit the fan then, I tried to be as honest as I could, I did say I am not looking to hook up with strangers or any weird kinky stuff, I also said guys that are decent looking, a couple extra pounds on a man does not turn me off, I don't expect someone to be perfect because I am not. The thing is I did mention that I am a little new at this so as not to lead someone on into thinking that being friends with me will equal wild nights out drinking in gay bars. Man was that a mistake, I am new at this but not naive. I think I will have to make a top ten rules list for my next ad. I came out of the closet, not fell off the truck!

Rule number one, your ass better not be married! I mean frig, do I have to put in no married men allowed. Why do they have to be good looking married men, like the husbands in Desperate house wives, why can't they be ugly so I could act all outraged and lecture them.

Rule number two, if you want to send me a picture to show how handsome you are, don't send me a pic you took back in the seventies, because you must be lying about being only forty if you were twenty five back then.

Rule number three, don't try to pretend you are not married or living with someone if you can only contact me at 6:00 Am, noon, 5:00 PM or midnight. I can see these are times when you are getting to work, having lunch, getting off work or the wife and kids are in bed!

Rule number four, I understand most people are not really hot like in the movies, I am actually turned on more by the average type of guy. I know most men will have a bit of a pot and love handles after thirty and I think it is actually cute. However when I said a few extra pounds are okay, if you are telling me that you are 5'8 and 310lbs, that is not a few extra pounds! You better be holding your Saint Bernard while standing on those scales.

Rule number five, it is okay to want to hold some things back from me until you learn to trust me, but don't lie. If you tell me you are just out as well and never did anything like this before, then when I google search your gay ass it better not pop up on every gay site in the surrounding two or three cities for the last ten years.

Rule number six, when you email me, express concern about my being new to the scene and want to talk about seeing homosexuality and my choice of that lifestyle in a different light, you can put the bible away because I am not meeting with you Thumper.

Rule number seven, when I try to express myself in an ad, to quickly let you know a little of who I am and what I am like. Take the time to properly respond back, if you say "yo, lets meet up, maybe get to the next level" I am not going to answer that.

Rule number eight, short one lines show me you are not really meeting me as a person and you are trolling for sex. If you are only going to send a few words in one line, at least get them right. Not like this " it b really god if we coud meeet up go coffee latre" were you in that much of a hurry, did answering mean so little to you.

Rule number nine, don't send me a picture of your penis, okay actually do send me one if you really want to but just know I will never ever meet with you!

Rule number ten, what part of "not wanting to hook up for anonymous sex" did you not understand? Did you think your creepy come on was going to work? Did you not think it would make my skin crawl. Are you like a bathroom wall, did all the guys that have been there, write on you?

I did receive an interesting email the other day from someone wanting to just be friends, hopefully he is serious and we will see what happens, as for now I am certainly getting an education in gay life on line, such fun. I'll keep you guys posted.

Price Check On Hot Guy Please!

Last night I was shopping for groceries, watching the gay couples out on their errands, picking up things together, I could not help think that hopefully one day that will be me and my man. That thought used to scare the crap out of me, to be seen with a boyfriend out in public, now however it still scares me somewhat but not as much as never having the chance to be a couple in public.
I finished getting what I needed and headed to the cash register, it does not matter which one I pick, long line or short because with my backwards luck I will always get the one where someone has an odd item with no price. The result is me standing there waiting while people run around doing a price check, usually once the check is done, the customer will then say they no longer want the item and ask to have it put back. As I was picking which cashier I saw him, a guy that is so hot it makes my day when he works there. He looks like Wentworth Miller from Prison Break, oh yikes, I knew which line I was getting in! I did not care that his line was longer than the others, maybe all these people were in this line for the same reason. I could just stare and drool for hours at this guy. While I was watching him, my gaydar beeped, hmmm I started to wonder, yes there was something there, he was a little too thoughtful and polite to the customers. Oh come on, we all know most straight guys are big apes with pants on, the only time they are thoughtful to a stranger is when they are trying to get her to go home with them!
Anyway the line was moving way too fast, I was wondering where is the price check that plagues me? Where is the little old lady that says, "sorry dear could you ask someone to exchange these crackers with the unsalted ones, these kind upset my digestion." Next it was me, aaahh! Soon my time with my dream guy would be all over, no! He kept handing the bags right to me and our hands touched (I made sure of it) every time I took the bag from him, soft warm hands, is that what it would feel like if you were my boyfriend holding my hand. I check, no ring on the fingers. Then it happened, one of my items showed up with no price, oh yes thank you so much, you do love me! Price check! "Sorry about this sir," oh no problem guy just let me get a reeeeal good look at you. Think of something to say Steven, so I started joking that maybe it was free and we began to talk a little bit, girl comes with the price (bitch) but it is the wrong item, YES! Back to the iles wench! I am off in fifteen minutes he says out of the blue, so I start with well so long day then, blah blah blah. I should have been smart enough to ask if he was going home to the wife and kids, just to see the answer. There is a baby crying loud non stop, I was hoping he would ask if I had kids because I was ready to say no that I am gay, I figured if there was any chance that would be it. The guy behind me keeps trying to join in the conversation and my gaydar begins to 'lol' when I see how gay this guy is, however stop looking at my hot cashier be-otch and get lost cause he is talking to me! Then the girl comes back with the price, I pay for my stuff, he thanks me and I go off thinking how amazing one night with that guy might be, just the chance to see him naked. As I walk to my car it hits me... O_O ... why did he suddenly turn to me and say he is off in fifteen!

Out a Little & Outed a Little

Not much to report in Steven's gay news these days, a few days ago I told another high school friend. Not from the high school in the country but here in the city as I went two years to high school in this city. My friend (I'll call her M) is pretty open about things so I knew it would be okay with her. I thought she might already suspect as she has gay friends, so I figured she may have clued in long ago. I was surprised by her reaction, she was shocked, she said that she never saw it coming, she told me that it really floored her. I know it is wrong but that always makes me feel good. She thanked me for counting her into the group of people I felt comfortable enough to tell. She was very encouraging and supportive.

I was also outed to someone a few days ago, Lyn was telling a very close mutual friend of ours (I'll call her P) that she is a lesbian, P then asked if I was gay as well, this is not the first time she has asked Lyn about me. Since Lyn and I seem to be together a lot lately she figured it out. My friend 'P' is also cool about these things so I had told Lyn not to lie about me if backed into a corner by her, so she told her that I was gay also. I only received an email about it so far so I have not had a chance to ask Lyn how it went down. Lyn apologized and felt terrible for spilling the beans but I reminded her that I know she can't really lie, especially not to P, she would be able to see it on Lyn's face, plus I had already told Lyn not to lie. I am actually not upset at all about it, makes one less person for me to have to tell. Strange to think that only six months ago, this would have been the end of the world to me.

When I started this blog, the first blog writers I contacted were guys also in the closet. Even though I had been reading other blogs for one to two years, I thought I would start off making contact with other guys in the same boat (or closet) as me. Usually they were younger than me but the fears were the same, it has been interesting watching their progress. I had pretty much put the idea of telling my parents on hold, I though maybe I would never tell them. These thoughts of telling them have surfaced again. The reason is I proudly read where one of these younger guys (Matt at Closet-NS) bravely decided to get it over with and came out to his parents, (way to go buddy, you are going to have to change your blog title)! It really has me thinking but also confused as to what I should do. I feel he is lucky now, no actually more like free now, free in that he will not have to worry anymore about something getting back to his family, free to be able to just go ahead and live his life. The only difference is that my parents are from a very different generation than his parents. I can't figure out where the balance will be, tell them and maybe feel free but also have a wedge between us, or not tell them and still have a wedge between us that only I can see. I find now that when I am around people who don't know about me, I feel drained. I feel like I have stepped back in time, back into the closet and I don't want to be there anymore. I think there is no clear answer to this in my case, maybe it is just one of those steps that I will have to take and see how it works itself out. A lot for me to think over.

My Un-resolutions

With the new year being almost a month started, I still receive many ads in the mail trying to entice me into joining some type of club. Whether it is for weight loss, exercise or evening classes to improve my work prospects. I have never made any new year resolutions before in my life. I don't believe in them, I always think if a person wants to lose weight, quit smoking or whatever, then if they are really serious they should do it the day they thought about it. There is no magical power to January first.

I have been thinking I should watch less TV and play less on the computer, I should replace these with something that will enrich me as a person, I am not going to do it though. Looks good on paper but I will not follow through, that is just me. I was thinking I should make a new year un-resolutions list, a group of things I should do but will not follow through on, that way if I falter from not doing them, it would actually be a good thing! Well then here is my top ten un-resolutions list.

1) Learn a second language, I really should improve my french, in Canada it opens a lot of doors to employment as most of the really good jobs require you to be able to speak french as well as English. Plus it is just an interesting thing to do.

2) Get back to reading books, I used to love to read but over the last ten years I probably have only read six or seven books for entertainment purposes only.

3) Get into better shape, this one I need to take seriously. I am not getting any younger and I tend to just stay in my apartment. The results are that I have become ridiculously out of shape to the point of embarrassment. Plus I would be more marketable with a bit of muscle on me!

4) Once in shape I should take up things like hiking again or cross country skiing to be able to meet people.

5) Join a few clubs, this is where the hiking and skiing would come in handy. I could join a few gay clubs in these activities so that I would be able to go out and again it would help me meet more people.

6) Find a hobby, another thing to pass the time better than TV. When listing my interests in a profile section, I suddenly realized how boring I have let myself become.

7) Learn to play an instrument, (wait get those dirty gay minds out of the gutter) I think it would be fun to play music and probably personally entertaining, however I assume torture for the neighbors the first few months.

8) Shag someone, yes you read that right! It has been a looooooong time since I have been with anyone, actually the nineties, I am a very sensual scorpio and I should get in touch with and express my sexuality.

9) Volunteer, there are so many good causes that just need a helping hand, whether it is the local soup kitchens, food banks, hospitals or even humane society, they are always looking for help from people. I don't think the TV would miss me for one or two nights a week.

10) Evening courses every now and again would not hurt, I always balk at the thought because I feel it would take years to get anywhere doing this, however time has a way of flying by, one year suddenly turns into five and a lot of progress would have been made if only I had been following this process. One good thing about my personality is when I start something, I almost always see it through.

There you have it, my un-resolutions. Quite a good list of things that I will not do this year if I say so myself. I also wonder if anyone has something to add for themselves or a suggestion for me, feel free to list it. I can only hope I will falter and actually do one or two of them, the benefit to a list like this, is the less I stick to it, the better off I will be.

Thank You

Over the last few days, I noticed a lot of the gay blogs were completely reeling over the news of Heath Ledger's death. I was not going to write about it, everything has already been said and to be honest I felt a little anger at the thought he took his own life. That may not be true now and if anything comes from this sad news, I at least hope we find out that this was not the case, I think it would come a little easier if we find that this event was just part of life taking a sudden sad turn.

Still I could not help wonder why I and a lot of other gay blog writers feel this loss. I for one, am a person who does not follow movie or music stars of any sort. I actually could not name most of the people we see in movies now. I never watch award shows because really I don't care, cure cancer, AIDS or stop child hunger and I am going to watch you get the award. I did not really follow this man's career and to tell you the truth I have not watch Broke Back Mountain yet. This makes me wonder why I feel the loss and I think I understand now.

I want to say thank you Heath, thank you for being one of the many people who bravely took part in the Broke Back project. Thank you for possibly putting your career on the line, just to say that 'I' count as a person, that my relationships are valid, that shoving me into the closet will only cause everyone around me harm. Thank you for showing the world that we love, just like them, that what they do to us is hateful and for causing thousands of open minded people, to begin supporting us. I am sure it would have been easier not to have taken that role, maybe it was even a little scary in how the public would react to you after, it shows you were a person of courage and acting was more of an art to you, the way it should be. I think Broke Back was a turning point, society still has a long way to go for gay people but we will probably all agree there was a positive shift after this movie. Life can be hard enough for us and the more allies we have the better, I think that is one of the reasons we feel this loss. By being in this movie, it is as if he was saying, I have no problem with gay people, with gay relationships, by being in this movie he was standing up for the world to see he supports us. Now that support is gone, that allie is gone, a friend to us is gone. In your brief time on this earth Heath you have touched thousands in a positive way that maybe even you, did not fully understand, for that I want to say, thank you.

That Man In The Mirror

That man in the mirror, every morning I see him looking back at me, he silently lets me know I look rough in the morning . Time for a shower and shave before I take on the day. He helps me comb my hair, brush my teeth and get dressed properly. He tries his best to make me look at least a little presentable to the world. With an approving smile from him I know I can head out to work, a party or date.

We first met when I was a small boy, he was little then to. When my mom would put me on the bathroom counter to get me ready in the morning, he would be there. So smart, he could do every move I could do at the same time, even if I turned my head away to trick him, the second I snapped my head back, so did he. Over the years he grew up with me, he sang with me while using a hair brush for a mic as I did, we learned our dance moves together, he let me know when I was getting a pimple and that pimple's entire family! We had an intimate relationship as well, I could tell him anything, when I was developing sexually, we often played "I'll show you mine if...." we also had our first sexual experiences together and watched each other intently. Now we are adults, he smiles at me while getting out of the shower and jokes about me being a stud, he shows me I should get into better shape, that I'm losing my hair and gaining wrinkles around my eyes, he is always bluntly honest with me.

That is why I need to keep that man in the mirror happy, when the day comes that I can't look at him, then I know something is wrong. If life is grey then there are areas of grey that I am not suppose to venture into. Something inside tells me when I have crossed a line, something inside says when I am being open to new ideas and when I am going past just being open. I can't have the man looking at me with questions on his face, shrugging as if to say "what do you think you are doing" I have to stay true to him. I try to explain, this is new ground for me and some times I am not sure what is wrong and what is right. He does not buy that, he knows the rules have not changed, just a few new ones were added. There are days where I can get caught up in the sexuality of gay culture but because of that man, I need to remember who I was before and still be that guy, only now gay as well.

He is tough on me, if I make the right choice, I know not to look for a pat on the back. He will only smile in a way that lets me know, I already was aware of what to do from the beginning, so no pat on the back for doing what I should have done in the first place. We are in a good place now, he does not expect me to be perfect and he wants me to have a little bit of fun. He also does not want me to get hurt and hopes I find love. When I rise in the morning I know he will be waiting for me, when I see him I need to know, inside he is proud of who I am.

Who's On First, Top, Bottom

There is one thing that drives me crazy with the gay culture, that is this obsessive need to place everyone into a category, top, bottom, vers, etc. I always cringe when I hear that, I feel sex should not be regimented between two people and they should be allowed to explore. It also irritates me when you see that there is a subtle hint, the bottom is thought less of a man than the top. There are a lot of jokes and giggling about the bottom but not the top, the bottom can sometimes be referred to as the 'wife' or 'my bitch,' that is what bothers me, the bottom is still a man and not some sort of second class woman. The top is viewed as the strong one, dare we say almost a straight male. Who is kidding whom, the guy on top is performing as much of a gay sex act as the guy on the bottom. I don't see how someone could think himself more of a man by his position with his partner because unless his partner is a woman, he is not straight. The other question is what are his issues that he confuses being a straight male with being a man.

The other night, lying in bed I was jokingly thinking over my relationship position in the gay world, I was laughing to myself, wondering if I am more of a top or bottom. I always want to be thought of as masculine so I figured I am a top. However when I really thought about it, deep down I suddenly started to see why I am so offended by some attitudes towards bottoms, it hit me, "oh no I'm a bottom!" Yes it is true, (slightly) well not in a kinky or submissive way but in my own way, I want to be rescued. I want the other guy to be the one to take charge, I want him to look out for me, I can still kill the spiders in the bath tub but I want him to be the head of the household - well slightly. In relationships, I want him to pursue me, I need to feel wanted, I need to be desired by someone. I feed off the energy that I get from the attention directed towards me. Honestly it feels good to be wanted. When I was young and one of my friends would come in, driving a pickup, shirtless, ball cap or cowboy hat, and get me to go swimming with them, I always had a thought of how hot it would be if they were picking me up for a date.

I also realized the position I favour from thinking back to when I did actually have a boyfriend. I loved being able to sometimes just lay back, relax and let him do most of the work. He noted how tense I would be always at the beginning, but after some heavy kissing for a while, he would feel me at ease under him and then he would start penetration. Yes I thought it hurt, but it hurt so good. My thing is I find it so erotic to watch the other guy, to see, hear and feel his pleasure knowing it is because of me. To have him deeply thrust and deeply kiss me at the same time, the chemistry of our connection. I loved the protective warm feeling of his body over me, running my hands down his back, I loved watching him begin to lose control, as he gets closer to the point, the change in rhythm, the change in his breathing, him trying to be gentle with me but falling under strong convulsions of pleasure, his face expressing ecstasy, the increasing low moans and sighs of pure joy, those final deep primal thrusts of the hips. Such raw emotion and in that moment he is lost to the world, gone to his own space of pleasure, slowly he comes back to me and I am the first thing he sees, then there is always that kiss, deep complete, an unspoken way of saying thank you for taking me there.

I know when I fantasize about someone I often see myself in that position so why should I feel like I am taking the lesser role. Maybe it is the romantic in me but I like the idea of being looked after, not dominated though, I am way too stubborn to let that happen. I am more the damsel in distress, than the fem in leather having a gold shower while calling some guy master. Well so now I know the truth about which position I would really favour if I had to choose, I think it is kind of funny, so I am not a top big deal, I am not going to worry about it, lets drink to that, bottoms up!

Lost In Myself

Sometimes I feel lost, inside that is, and it seems at times more now than ever. Sometimes I feel I knew who I was more as a person hiding and pretending to be a straight man than this person who I am suppose to become as a gay man. Before things were black and white to me, now things appear grey in some areas and I never know, were they always gray and I just refused to see them, is black and white childish or a simple way to see the world. Sometimes I wonder, am I becoming more open minded about things or less moral. I always promised myself that I would not let my sexuality define me, that sex would not define me but it seems to be the only focal point of being gay. Either you are in the game, or you are not, if you don't 'play' then you can't join the club. Yes people do go on to form relationships but it seems you have to go through an initiation first. If I accept that, am I coming to terms with who/what I am, or have I just become so worn down that I no longer resist it.
The more I walk along this journey, the less shocked by people I become. It is as if my telling people I am gay, gives them the the okay to tell me about a secret. Maybe I am proof to them that life is gray and not just black and white, it could be that is why they tell me, because I should be able to see all sides to a story. My fear is they tell me because they see me now as damaged goods. Maybe I am proof to myself that things are not always black and white, do I see the bigger picture, actually I think I do, I am *usually not quick to judge (*shout out to Zac) because there is often more than meets the eye in a situation. Then that leaves the question, who is Steven now, he is certainly not the same guy from ten years ago, even not the same guy from a year ago. If coming out is suppose to be finding who I am, then why do I feel so lost lately. Was the old Steven really me or was he just the new Steven with his eyes closed.

Support and Sushi Makes It All Better.

Well I did have a bit of a downer on the weekend but with a lot of support from the kind people who read this blog, I put my head back on straight (well so to speak). I will take the time here in this post to thank the people who wrote supportive comments and emails to me, yes they do really help and I am not saying that to just be kind. I decided not to answer each comment as I usually do because you guys put so much emotion into them it would take me forever to do justice to them and answer everyone back. Just know this, I always see comments and emails like a good friend stopping in to say hello, and so I listen intently to what your view is. They were really appreciated and honestly.... I needed them. I should tell you I am the type of person that can become down about something for a day or two, but if I have no control over it, like the past, then I will just move on because I feel there is no sense in wasting time. The blog is a good place to vent and so you are usually seeing me at my worst. Pats on my head or shoulder work wonders for me. Truly, thank you.

Moving on, Sunday morning my friend (we will call him Pg) called and asked if I wanted to try a new sushi restaurant that opened near me. Pg is from Asia and when trying anything new I love to go with him because he knows all the good stuff to order, plus all the good places to eat. I jumped at the chance, I needed to get out. It is close to me so he picked me up on the way. When we entered and looked around he had a big grin on his face and said "it is safe to eat here." All my Asian friends tease me that if you go into an Asian restaurant and only see Caucasians, turn around and leave. The reason is because the food will not be good, cooked North American Style and over priced, if on the other hand you see mostly Asian customers then it is a good place to eat and not as expensive. The sushi was great, shrimp was great and I think the octopus legs were the best of all. Wow there is something I never thought I would ever say as a kid. We tried many other dishes as well, the only thing I did not care for was a noodle soup that had an odd taste, like the way wet wool socks smell. Pg is usually good at picking foods for me but he also loves to trick me and give me something so spicy that it will clear the passages out in ten seconds or just give you a bit of a shock (can you say, not too much wasabi).

I also wanted to tell Pg that I am gay, I feel he will be okay with it but at the end of the day I did not get the chance to. I had tidied up my place and invited him back for a beer after eating, he agreed, I figured it would be better to tell him at my place rather than at the restaurant. I did not feel too nervous about it but you can never tell how someone will react. He did once ask me if I was gay about two years ago but I was not ready to say yes at that time. What happened on the way to my place, just before we arrived, he asked if he could take a rain check on the beer as his baby had been sick with a cold and he wanted to get home to his wife. I said no problem and then wrestled with the thought of quickly telling him. I decided not to do that as he probably would have a few questions after and it felt wrong to say, "thanks for meeting me, I'm gay, hope the baby feels better, see you later." Well another day then, but at least what was good for me, it was for lack of time and not out of fear about telling him that I missed my chance. I think I agree with the people who say, if you don't make a big production out of it, it won't be a big production.

This week I am in the process of trying to get someone to go to a gay bar with me, I think there would be less pressure during the week than on the weekend as the bars would be less crowded. Everyone seems to have plans. I want to be able to look Patrick in his blog picture eyes and say, "yes buddy I went dancing!" By the way Patrick, since you think I am eleven years younger than you, I can't tell you how much your comments are welcomed on this blog! I said before I don't have a favourite blog writer but now Patrick is really getting close to taking that title, lol!

Tailspin, Spiral Down

Let me take you back to the holidays for one paragraph. On Christmas eve when I went to mass, I was very aware of all the people I grew up with being married, having kids and knowing I am not a part of that. I also wondered what if these people knew, would I still get the greetings, hugs and kisses from old neighbors that watched me grow up. A family we know well (by generations) sat in front of us, their two sons grown now, tall good looking rouged boys, young men actually in their twenties. Since I went away when they were small they realized who I was because of my parents. Smiling they shook my hand in a friendly greeting and I could not help wondering, if you knew would you still be that friendly. I was going to write about this when I came back, but decided not to start the new year off by whining. I will jump to another topic but this will tie in later.

Saturday evening I was trying to get someone to go out with me, I figured since I told everyone they had to dance I had better do the same, plus Patrick sort of pointed that out so I wanted to be able to say yes to him about the dancing part. I had left it a little too late I guess as everyone was busy, I figured I would go myself anyway as punishment for being a smart ass. I was looking up clubs near me to see which one would have an atmosphere I would like. There were Facebook groups for certain clubs so I went there for more info. I was looking through the profiles of people who support each club to see if I knew any of them. I always want to see if anyone I know is gay as well. I know the chances for someone my age are slim since I think most would be out by now, and no I am not going to tell you I found one of my old school friends on a gay bar support site. However looking through did finally give me my WOW moment! I saw 'him' and started yelling 'WOW I can't believe it, I can't believe it!' There was one of the boys that sat in front of me at church! I could not believe it! You would never guess this guy was gay, in fact if I had to guess I would think the other brother was gay and not him, my gaydar never beeped even once in the few times I met him. So I guess they would not mind if we shook hands after all. I was checking out his profile and he had pictures of himself and his boyfriend! I was thinking this is so cool.

I was checking out his friends and was surprised to see so many people from my parents home town were there. This shocked me a little since they would clearly see he is gay. I had to admire him for coming out and was envious of him compared to when I was his age. Then I began to read comments on his photos, things like "you guys look so sweet together" etc. I am happy for the guy, I heard he is a really nice guy but something began to build inside of me. I felt like I was about to cry, there was such a pressure behind my eyes and in my chest. It was seeing his friends being so supportive and not caring he was gay, it was seeing some of the older people also being supportive. I am happy that he gets to live in a world like this now. The thing that threw me into a total tailspin of anguish is the fact this is the same town from my post about people not wanting to talk about the gay teacher, gay was seen as vile then and I feel like I need to mourn the loss of a life I can never get back. I know I should not think that way but I can't help it. Part of me wants to cry because I am so happy he will get to live his life, but part of me wants to cry at my loss. I can remember as a teen, day dreaming about having a boyfriend and everyone being happy for me. Being able to go to dances and parties with him, like it was something that happened everyday. He is at the beginning of his adult life and has plenty of time to see if this relationship works or if he will have to move on. However I find myself trying to meet someone as a partner in life too late, I fear the fact that most of the good ones are already taken long ago. He has pictures of them taking trips together and I have to deal with creeps on the internet. I can't sleep, a lot of emotions running through my head at the moment so, no sorry guys I did not feel like dancing last night, I will again someday and when I do, maybe I will make my way to that bar and say hello to him.

Yikes! Hey Guys?

I think I am being set up for something, I read on a local site a guy saying he just wanted to make friends with another gay person first and maybe a relationship later if things turned out. Sounded like the type of person for me to meet since I am looking for friends so I responded, I told him a little about me, body type, age, personality etc and asked him to tell me a little about himself, (since he did not say too much in the ad). He answered me after three days, he said I am what he is looking for, that he is also in the same position as me (coming out) and wants to exchange numbers. I don't know, I am getting a funny feeling. The last guy told me a little about himself like age looks weight etc, this guy again did not say a thing about himself. Hmm, gaydar is giving a caution signal here. I could give him my cell number and that way he could not find out where I live in case he is nuts. Any tips? Like one for sure is I'll meet him at a coffee shop.

Everybody Dance!

I am a shy white boy from the country, remote Canadian farmland country, kind of nerdy like I keep saying in an awkward way not the super brain kind of way. That is why it shocks people when I am out at a party or wedding and they see how much I like to dance, even better they are shocked that I'm not a bad dancer. Not bad compared to most white Canadian guys from the country. I always thought it had something to do with being gay, since a lot of male dancers are gay, where I came from no straight guy would ever say "Mom & Dad I think I want to become a dancer! My thinking changed by something a friend said to me that made sense, he is a black guy and one day was teasing me about my "cool moves", I had remarked to him that I wondered why so many white guys suck at dancing. He then asked me if my Dad liked to dance, I said actually yes he does and he is pretty good. He said that was probably one of the reasons I don't mind dancing then. I feel comfortable doing it because my Dad has already set the example. He explained in his family all the men liked to dance so he grew up in a family where it was more normal for a guy to get up and dance than to stay sitting down, he said it is what you are raised with, he also remarked he sees the same thing with other black families but also noticed dancing for men is not common amongst white families. He asked why is that, I said it was just easier to pound each other with hockey sticks. When I moved to the city, a lot of my male friends liked to dance, when I complained about the music to appear cool, they said "at home you listen to rock, but at a dance this is better, you can't really dance to Black Sabbath!" I remember thinking, 'yes' finally cool friends.

We often hear it in funny songs or commentaries, how we should all dance. Even when we are alone, in our living room or bed room, just to let out stress, enjoy ourselves, laugh at ourselves. Come on admit it, how many of us got in front of the mirror, turned on the tunes, felt the beat and checked out the hot moves we have kept hidden from the world, a lot of us would like to do it in public but are too shy. I am so disappointed in the number of gay men that tell me they don't or won't dance, what did you lose that gene? You know a lot of girls have this saying "good on the dance floor, good in bed" the thinking behind this is if he feels free to express himself in public and can move, then imagine what he will do behind closed door. Some of my female friends swear by this (I mentioned I'm a good dancer right) and will watch how a new boyfriend moves on the floor. I think you could apply that to gay men as well, I am not sure since I have only been with one guy, he was however a good dancer and come to think of it he was really good in... um anyway he was a good dancer.

I stopped dancing for a long time or listening to any kind of dance music. I was afraid that people would think I'm gay. I do listen to all types of music so if I want to sit down and listen to something it will be more like U2, Keane, Led Zeppelin, early Simple Minds or something less cool that I don't want to mention here so I won't look like a geek (think Enya). Surprise, however I am gay so I just realized I can listen to what I want. In fact the neighbors were bugging me with their noise next door and since they are more jazz and blues type people, I knew I could torture them with DJ Steve's club beats! Yeah the tunes were pumping that day, I just need some of those cool lights. Back in the day, I can remember jumping to the beats of good dance tunes like, Into the Grove, You Spin Me Round, Venus and so so many more. Of course we would also go wild for anything by the B52s, Human League etc. Pete over at Falling Off A Log often lists tunes on his site that he prefers and it opened a window to other tracks I like on YouTube. So I'm listening to dance tunes again, getting in touch with my inner gay club dancer self and now I want to go out dancing! One tune is stuck in my head Reach For Me, I need to listen to it over and over, so if you don't mind dance tracks give it a try, no video with it and I found after listening to it the second time is when I got hooked. Now what I want out of you guys and girls is sometime this weekend, dance! Even if alone in your bedroom in front of the mirror, even just for one song, if you have a partner be sure to get him up. I would prefer if you went out, so if it has been a while why not, go out make the time for yourself to enjoy life. If you need some moves, watch this guy, (shake it white boy) another blogger that is real easy on the eyes, he will be familiar to some and you can see he has fun with it, so why can't we all. Okay that is your mission for this weekend, now everybody lets dance!

Just Stuff

For those of you that have kids in your lives, whether your own or family members, have you ever noticed when they are little and want to keep something from you, they inevitably incriminate themselves. When a little person comes to you and says "I didn't break the lamp in my room" you just know to get the boom and dust pan. Even when going to check they may still tell you "no no I told you I didn't break the lamp in my room, um you don't have to check" and now you know you have to go. The same goes for adults, when they tell you over and over they don't care about something but keep mentioning it, you know inside it is important to them. Over the last couple of weeks I kept reading how Steven over at Human Nature hates his birthday, over and over and the more you say you don't want attention to it the more you really do buddy! So readers do me a favour as a prank, please go over to his site and wish him a happy birthday, even if you never read his blog before do it, even if you never left a comment before do it, give him a little love and make the old guy (25, I think again) happy! He is pretty easy on the eyes too so take a look! ;)

I also wanted to give a shout out to another group of blog writers that have come up with a great idea of a blog fest this summer, one where we could meet over a weekend. For more info I'll send you over to my buddy 'K's' blog I Have To Admit It, sounds like it could be fun and I think they need to get an idea of how many would be interested.

Rewind, Remember, Remembrance.

The last few days I have been reading coming out and related stories from some of my favourite younger blog writers, this always brings a lot of emotions up for me. First I am always happy that they are dealing with this now and getting this over with at such young ages. I actually find it a little funny sometimes to read where they are angry with themselves for waiting until they were really old like 22 or 23! Can we say gay retirement home! Seriously I am so proud of these guys and they can have normal lives where they get to date, party and form relationships, the kind of things young people should get to experience. They won't have to deal with hiding, lying and deceiving the people around them, I think it is almost beautiful this won't be a part of their world. The next emotion that comes up is always my "missed time" emotion, I try to shove it to the back of my mind but I can't help it. I often talk about this with my buddy John since we are around the same age, he helps me a lot by reminding me what things were like when we were younger. Now I am beginning to let it go and forgive myself, I mentioned that I wanted to work on this before.

Back in the day, just after the last of the dinosaurs died, when we were teens life was quite different then. I would say even in the last ten years things have really changed. Gay life is much better now but I'm still waiting for a gay Coke or Pepsi commercial! We did not have ANY positive gay role models. There have been a lot of gay characters on TV in the last ten years and I think that really helps a young person think they are not alone and makes them feel normal. I know it is still hard for today's gay youth to come out but they don't know the world I grew up in. I often joke but it is a true fact that in the eighties and early nineties, people like Elton John, Boy George and George Michael all denied being gay, however not that I would have looked to them as role models. By today's standards that would be like Clay Aiken and Ricky Martin saying that they were not gay, oh wait a minute.... well you get what I'm trying to say.

There is a story that happened in my town that I have been thinking over, I was not going to post about it but I think it helps me understand why I felt such an obsessive need to hide my being gay. In the small country township where I grew up, the high school and elementary school were beside each other so there was still a lot of interaction between the two. When I started high school a new teacher (Dan) started teaching in the elementary school. Dan was the kind of very serious and strict teacher that the kids feared but respected as well. Very good at his job and usually after a few weeks with any new class he was the kids and parents favourite teacher. He was also sometimes hired to help tutor kids for extra help. I had met Dan only once really, but I saw him interacting with the other kids many times, he had been friendly to me and I could tell he was the type of guy where if you treated him with respect, you could expect it in return. Needless to say he was admired in the community.

One day he did not show up for work, everyone thought it was strange that there was no word from him. The next day we found out he had been murdered, stabbed to death I believe. Everyone was shocked, he was such a nice guy no one could figure out why someone would do this to him. The papers and camera crews came to our town in droves, there were dozens of parents and teachers willing to tell with heart felt sadness what a wonderful person he was, how important he had become to everyone and how we will miss him. Everyone wanted the animal who did it to be caught, locked up and put away forever. They finally caught the guy and that is when peoples opinions turned suddenly.

The guy admitted to the murder, he was a drug addict who needed money and the reason he had targeted Dan was because he was 'gasp' gay! What! No that can't be true! The town reeled under that revelation! At first the guy was kind of like so I killed a gay guy "so what". When he saw that was not going to fly in court he then started to say Dan had hit on him and he freaked out and killed him, only problem was that he met Dan in a gay bar and went home with him. As horrible as this was, also terrible was a gay kid observing how his family, neighbors and friends reacted. The reaction was swift, when reporters came back, no one would talk to them, no one wanted to be associated with a "queer," no one knew him anymore. It was a great shame to be thought of as his friend and no one wanted that shame. In silence I sat and listen to people say "that's the thing with those homos, you never know if one of them is around" or " you have to be so careful they could be anywhere" or "I wonder what special lessons he gave the boys over the girls." I even remember my friends talking about it and saying "I could forgive a thief or murderer but I could never have a fag for a friend." I have to ask, how much damage does that do to a gay kid to hear in his friends eyes, he is way lower than a murderer or thief. After that Dan was never mentioned again, the town wanted and did forget him. This clearly showed me what would happen if I were to come out, actually who the fuck am I kidding, see at that time kids where was no such thing as "coming out" it was more you were "found out!" So to rephrase that I could clearly see what would happen to me if I was found out, everyone would have turned on me. Years passed Dan and you were lost to history, but you were not forgotten. There was a gay kid who would remember you, not about the tragedy or your one mistake, but he would remember what was good about you, a great teacher, well respected and a good guy, that also happened to be gay.

Strike The Funny Bone

This week I have been keeping it on the lighter side, there are some issues on my mind but I don't feel like dealing with them at the moment so I'll stick to the lighter side for today again.

The following paragraph will be a wee bit X rated so since there are a couple of really sweet people who read this blog, you may want to stop now and go else where, the rest of you I see are waaaay more perverted than I am so deal with it! Today on a Canadian Lesbian web site I saw the funniest slogan. It said "save a tree, eat a beaver", leave it up to the sisters! Which brings to mind one of my quirks that I can't explain. Every once in a while I do briefly look at porn, it's a guy thing right, anyway sometimes I look at straight porn since they have some pretty hot studs now. The strange thing for me is that I like to watch the guys um... um... well uh... eat beaver! Yup it is true, not sure what the kick is in it for me, however on the contrary I don't like to watch her su... um smoke pipe. Nope not at all, when she starts that, I skip the part and go straight to the humping. Yeah straight guys humping, I just even love the way that sounds, oh come on I can be naughty once in a while too!

Okay joke time! Everyone put away the rotten fruit and vegetables first though.
One day this mature American woman was driving through a Canadian town, being still quite beautiful and independent she was somewhat of a cougar on the prowl when away from home. She spotted a bar and stopped to go in and maybe pick up a little action. She set her sights on a couple of handsome young men sitting at a table, seeing one of them go for drinks she knew this was her chance to move in on the one left sitting down.
As she approached, the man looked up at her and said "don't even think about it lady."
She asked " and why not?"
Holding up a ring on his finger he responded "because I am a happily married man."
With a grin she said, "a little fun on the side, how do you know you won't like it?"
A little angry now the man again pointed to his ring and said, "don't even think about it lady I'm a happily married man!"
With a huff she got up and scanning the room, she smirked as she spied the second man getting the drinks.
The first man's voice broke her thoughts, "don't even think about it lady."
With an annoyed tone in her voice she said, "and why not?"
"Because" he said chuckling to himself, "he is the one I'm happily married to!"

Okay everyone have a good week! : )

Not My Favourite.

Every once in a while, when reading another blog, I see they have been requested to do a meme. Kendall did put me on the spot one time with ten questions but so far I have been lucky to avoid them. The reason I don't do them is because the questions are usually about what is your favorite colour, food or CD you listen to. My problem is I don't really have a favourite anything and I think the questions would not represent who I am. Maybe a little too much "in the box thinking" and for a five year old that would be fine but not for an adult.

Favourite color, I don't know how to answer that! Blue makes me think of clear skies and cool lakes. What about red, it is a good colour too, it brings to mind roses, apples or sunsets. Then we have green, I think of spring, fields, forests, crisp lettuce on my sandwich. Yellow, sunflowers in the fall, bumble bees and of course sunshine! Purple, grapes and pink, watermelon, so see I can't choose because life is made of all the colours coming together.

Food, well I am a guy so yeah food is good! How do I choose, it depends on the day really and what I feel up for. Some days are a steak or roast chicken day then other times who can say no to a good pizza. There are also times when I feel full and only want a vegetarian meal and I really enjoy the flavour of the fresh vegetables slightly cooked or raw. Some days it is Asian food and some days I want to try a new dish, Indian, French or Mexican. What about when desert comes, how can I pick a good desert over a good meal. It would be easier to tell you that jelly fish is not my favourite!

Movies, music and books. I think as we mature our taste keeps changing. There are Cd's that I still like to pull out and listen to from my high school days and I really enjoy them, but in a different way from some of the Cd's that I listen to now. Same with movies, I used to think that the movie Top Secret was the funniest movie on earth, I had the chance to see it again a few years ago and I never even smiled at it. How can you compare all the different types of movies, from comedy, to scare the pants off you, to make you cry. Books, again that taste changes over time, in my teens I liked something scary then it changed to sci-fi. Later it was what ever seemed interesting, with also long periods thrown in of not reading anything other than newspapers, the Reader's Digest or National Geographic. The books that I cherished as a kid and a young man, I still cherish them but at that level, I can't compare them to what I read now so how could I pick one. Favorite blog, don't even go there! Every one is so different from the other, like the people who write them, it is like sampling off a desert cart, each one has it's own unique flavour.

I think everything has some gift to offer as we experience life, so don't ask me to just pick one because I have already made the mistake of limiting my choices in life before and it does not help me to grow. I do have a favourite reader however and I will tell you who, but everyone has to keep it quiet so as not to have hurt feelings. Okay you want to know? Well...... shhh, don't say anything but it is you! Yes you, don't be shy I just think you are really cool and I'm glad you stopped by today, now don't say anything to the others! ;)

This Time Last Year

This time last year I was sent down to Baltimore Maryland and then with extra time on my hands I went to Washington DC to do some site seeing. Even as I left Canada it was warmer than usual but when I landed down there it was beautiful weather. In Washington I remember to me it felt like spring, for a Canadian on such sunny beautiful days I had to carry my coat most of the time. Baltimore had some nice sites (and delicious crab cakes which I never had before) but Washington was beautiful with the architecture of the buildings, plus it was kind of interesting to walk
around the city I often saw filmed in movies and TV shows. I left my map back at the hotel slowing me down a little in finding places I wanted to see, and being pressed for time I was unfortunately not able to see the White House. I played the lost little Canadian card and people were really helpful and friendly once they realized that I was Canadian and not going to mug them. If anyone lives in these cities I am just wondering do they have snow there now? I saw the temperatures are no where near the degrees they were this time last year. It was so beautiful and it gave me that little break that we Canucks need to help get us through the winter.
A sight I often see on TV and now I was able to take my own picture, you can see the haze of the day, or maybe that was smog! No just kidding it was a nice day the air smelled fresh. I think by clicking on the pictures, it will make them larger, that is if it works correctly.





One of my favorite pictures is of the people skating while you can see green grass growing in the background. I guess the weather was not cooperating with their holiday plans. I wish that I was able to spend at least one more day there and maybe some day I will go back to continue where I left off.





I used to see this building all the time on an old TV show but I could not remember what show. I came closer to hear what the cops were talking about, it was something funny like what was the best place to go for breakfast, very top secret of course.
I hope most Americans get to some day see their Capitol city at least once in their lives, I think it is worth the trip. As for our Capitol city I live in it so I see ours every day.

Life In Review

I wasn't going to do it, review the past year that is. I see some blog writers did it and some stayed away from it. There have been a lot of ups and down for me in 2007, I did not want to drag those stories out and subject you guys to them. However this is a blog about a guy coming out so I will stick with the coming out part of the last year. I sometimes still can't believe that I actually started the process and now in these last few months I don't know why I did not start long ago.

It is hard to put it down without sounding like a recap, I have actually deleted this post twice. The start of my coming out this year was me contacting my second blog friend who I will call "John", but I also have to say that my first blog friend had helped me to the point of being able to even type the words "I'm gay" without breaking into a cold sweat. Blog buddy number one, I am going to blog about one day soon but for now since this post is about 2007 I'll start with blog buddy number two or "John". Forming the friendship gave me the courage I needed. It helped me to stop feeling ashamed of being gay, if people like John were gay then it was okay for me to be gay as well. It really helped when we started chatting and then later talking, there were so many thoughts that were running through my head, it helped so much to hear I was not the only one. We had a lot in common, he made me feel good about myself, about being gay and I finally began to accept who I was. We could talk about our likes, dislikes and laugh our guts out at misunderstandings about all things gay. Usually we don't really mention each other's blogs to keep it low key, some of you already know who he is, some of you read both our blogs so I will give you a little hint, that is I am Mr. Canada. Hey John I spilled the beans a little! ;)


My way of thinking was fast changing, I no longer felt so obsessed with hiding, in fact I felt compelled to tell some people, it was something I just needed to do. I felt dishonest and that time was running out on me. I began working up the courage. By this time John and I were very close and I always thought if he were in this city I would date him, not just date him but that I would also want people to know we were dating because I would be proud to show him off, not ashamed of our relationship like I was before with my first boyfriend years ago. I was at the edge of telling people, just almost ready to do it when the final brick was put into place for me. That was in the form of short gay love stories that I read. They came to me from blog buddy number three "David" who I met through John. He thought I would like them because they were set in this city and were very romantic. I loved them but they also gave something inside of me that final push. Loosely based on the life of the actual author who grew up here, I could see what I was missing and could identify with the main character, plus his circle of friends had an uncanny resemblance to my circle of friends. I never properly thanked you David for that and I appreciate it on such a high level that I never really expressed to you.

This all brought me to August to the night where I was about to tell my best bud, however after bumping into my lesbian friends, he ended up asking me, I said yes and that started the ball rolling to , telling my sister and most of my other close friends, to starting a blog about coming out, to making a lot of gay friends on line, to one of my close friends saying she is bisexual, to me meeting and making a gay friend and feeling good about it.

So here I am in 2008 and gay! Now what? I am hoping by the end of this year I will be in a steady relationship, I am hoping I will have a partner to celebrate 2009 with! First though on to 2008 and lets see what this will bring me. I can't help think if someone told me this time last year that I would be partly out, I would have thought they were crazy.