Tuesday, February 4, 2020
Broken hearted. Giving up my child.
Last night I had the most bizarre dream. I was in my late thirties and one of my closest friends was a woman around the same age. Not that unusual for me except in real life.. I have never seen this woman before! Yet in the dream she meant a lot to me.
Also in the dream, apparently we were both getting comfortable with our sexuality but still had curiosities. One weekend while I was staying over at her place, we drank a little too much, got a little too comfortable with each other and it eventually led to sex. Having not planned for the situation, I didn't use protection. The dream was taking place in offices, they were legal/medical combination type offices and I was asked to come down there by my friend's lawyer. She had become pregnant from our night together and decided it was best to place the child up for adoption, they needed me to sign off.
I suppose you people will think I'm about to laugh at this and make jokes about it.. but I can't. Like I have mentioned before, my dreams are very vivid, very emotional, very real. The feelings were very intense, very draining. If I could only write books as believable as I can dream, I would be famous.
Back to my dream, I was a bit shell shocked but knew this day was coming, I wanted to do the right thing. I was told a nice couple were adopting the baby and wanted everything to go smoothly, they were afraid of me trying to claim the baby later on. I felt since the mother had put so much effort into preparing a better life for her baby, the least I could do was just sign my name.
After signing, it really hit me, I just signed away my child. I asked if I'm allowed to know, boy or girl? They said, "boy" and I thought, "I have a son.. I just signed away my son". I was trying not to cry but was failing, (I was soaking my pillow in real life). There was a doctor there and she was compassionate towards my feelings, other people were annoyed with me, I assume they worried that I may change my mind. I said half embarrassed to the doctor, "just the one time that I make a slip up and look at the seriousness of the results". She was trying to be comforting but also driving home a point, she said something kind to me but also implied to be more careful in the future and that I'm an adult, not an uninformed teenager. I walked out thinking I just gave up my one chance at being a dad but I knew I had to think of the baby more, I needed to give him a good chance in life, I needed to do right by him.
I woke up in tears, I couldn't believe that I had done something so stupid late in life, I had been so smart earlier on. I wondered if my son would resent me, maybe even hate me. As I was sitting up, ashamed, upset, grieving, drained, exhausted, embarrassed and in tears, the fog began to lift and suddenly. Wait.. I'm no longer thirty (shhht), I don't know any woman who looks like that, I've never even had sex with a woman! I don't have a kid! A huge sense of relief came over me, I DIDN'T CREATE A HORRIBLE MESS! Seriously where does this come from! That's emotional self torture, I think that I have enough on my plate without feeling broken hearted over a non existing child. Then I felt white hot anger towards whatever part of my brain runs these very detailed nightmares. I mumbled out loud, "aaah you f...er!"