Monday, March 26, 2018

The Fear Of?

 Many years ago in blogland, I remember reading a great post by a sweet lady who sadly is no longer with us. Birdie from bird of paradise blogged about what is the one thing that often holds people back from reaching a goal, she said one reason is often fear. I knew as soon as I read that sentence it was true, especially for me. People often have a fear of failure or fear of the unknown, that is me in a nutshell. I am one of those people who wants to hold onto what I know, the safety and security of the familiar.

 Over the weekend I happened to be invited to a bonfire, typical for Canada it was a bonfire that also happen to have large pots of maple syrup boiling on top. The people there were all straight and oddly enough they are starting over in their lives, as is often the case now, they are divorced. It made me think about my situation and how a certain blogger (Mr Lurker) asked if I was putting enough effort into finding someone. I suddenly realized that the answer is no.

 I had to ask myself why, it doesn't make sense to want to be in a relationship and not do very much about finding someone. The answer is of course fear. (1) The chance that I will fall for someone again, only to be hurt again is a huge one for me, like the saying goes, once bitten twice shy.  Losing someone you love, is similar to that person dying. (2) The fear of failure, as in just a general mishandling of forming relationships, I know I am a little awkward around people, guys who may like me in the beginning, could become tired of my personality before I can fully get through to them. The fear of failure in a relationship I think is worse as I get older, I feel there are less opportunities for me out there, so to mess up those opportunities is stressful. (3) The fear of my selfishness, having to think about two people instead of just myself, I worry that I have become so used to being Steven, that I may feel smothered in a serious relationship where I have to think as a couple. I did notice mistakes I made with Dan, sometimes it's difficult when you become so used to being on your own. I did hear something however that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. They were asking a young guy if he felt any different after marrying his partner since they had lived together almost ten years. He said that he thought it wouldn't make him feel any different but after they were married it made them feel closer, he said that he feels responsible for his husband along with loving him and that they really are a family.

 Now for the BIG one. (4) The fear that I fully put myself out there only to discover it's too late. That I search but find no one, that I don't even get the opportunity to fail or have my heart broken, that I put out a call that nobody answers. What if there is no match for me, what if I realize that I am destined to be single, something I have felt was going to happen to me since I was a child. What if I end up alone, it's not really something that I want. I always say that I would rather be single than be in a bad relationship so I know it's not healthy to just settle but I also think it's much healthier to feel loved.


John Going Gently said...

For many years I learnt to be self sufficient
No relationship except for friends and family
So any gay relationship was either a bonus or expendable

Then I met my previous partner who was a shit, a closet gay man who denied me in public, but who wanted all of the positive perks of a gay relationship
I dumped him.......then found the Prof! Go figure

Mistress Maddie said...

I have long said when one doesn't expect it....the universe will come thought and surprise us.

I feel I can be in a relationship....but I think your #4 is the big reason I hesitate.

Should we just make a pac if by a certain age we aren't settled, we will just get together?!? I will behave my smart Karen Walker mouth.LOL,LOL,LOL,LOL

I love Canada! I spent a whole summer their a couple years ago!

Mistress Maddie said...

I meant to say your reason #3!!!! Is why I hesitate.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Mistress Maddie in that things happen when one doesn't expect it. I totally understand what you mean about being afraid. After years in a dysfunctional relationship, I hesitate to even put my foot in the water.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

John, I guess things can work out for the better. When I started dating Dan, he was already out to everyone. Even though he was patient with me I knew it would be wrong to put him back in but it wasn't that hard telling people he was my boyfriend because I wanted everyone to know. I want that again, to be in a relationship that I want the world to know about.

Maddie, well I already luv you so it's a deal, can we keep the Lad too? I think my new fear however would be getting killed by you in the sack!

Michael54, I understand completely, you have been more than once bitten, your arm was nearly chewed off! That's why I say take your time, then you can dip that size eleven in the water.

Anonymous said...

I could have written the last paragraph of your post. I never thought I would be single and 61. I have a great life. It's a life I'd to share but I can't find a guy to share it with. I'm so fearful of rejection that I put next to no effort into finding a man to date. The handful of dates I've had were single interactions. I need to overcome my fear and put myself out there. It's harder than it sounds.

Old Lurker said...

(1) is not a choice. It is a certainty. No matter what you do you will hurt while being in a relationship. But you are also hurting not being in a relationship.

(2) is highly likely too. You will develop irritations about your boyfriend and vice versa, because unless you are JP you are not perfect. But couples all over the world learn to deal with each other's irritations and love each other despite them. Often they find themselves missing those same irritations when they are apart from each other.

(3) could very well be the case. Many long-time singletons grow so used to their own habits that they find adjusting to others difficult. Is the effort saved in not having to adjust to anybody worth being a lonely spinster for the rest of your days?

(4) is the mind killer. It is hogwash, not only because you are a catch but also because if you keep listening to (4) then you are GUARANTEED to be alone forever. Maybe (4) is true, but it is probably not, and you won't find out if you don't start looking.

(Yes, I know you know these things intellectually, and that none of this rationalist nonsense is helping. That Mr Lurker is a total jerkface. But he wishes he had the words to spur on your courage somehow.)

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sooo-this-is-me said...

RJ, lol I know it's harder than it sounds, that's why I posted! ;)
Rejection stings, I also don't put much effort into finding someone.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Mr Lurker, you had me at (1), even if you are a bit of a jerkface, lololol! Just teasing.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Mike, what did you say, were you using swear words at me??? That's ok I know you wouldn't do that.

Anonymous said...

You mention fear, at least twice. That makes me feel sad. Love can be an oxymoron - so if you feel you can, turn it on it’s head.
JP x

Sooo-this-is-me said...

JP, if you could find me a cute chief that would cook for me to, that would be a great start!