Many years ago in blogland, I remember reading a great post by a sweet lady who sadly is no longer with us. Birdie from bird of paradise blogged about what is the one thing that often holds people back from reaching a goal, she said one reason is often fear. I knew as soon as I read that sentence it was true, especially for me. People often have a fear of failure or fear of the unknown, that is me in a nutshell. I am one of those people who wants to hold onto what I know, the safety and security of the familiar.
Over the weekend I happened to be invited to a bonfire, typical for Canada it was a bonfire that also happen to have large pots of maple syrup boiling on top. The people there were all straight and oddly enough they are starting over in their lives, as is often the case now, they are divorced. It made me think about my situation and how a certain blogger (Mr Lurker) asked if I was putting enough effort into finding someone. I suddenly realized that the answer is no.
I had to ask myself why, it doesn't make sense to want to be in a relationship and not do very much about finding someone. The answer is of course fear. (1) The chance that I will fall for someone again, only to be hurt again is a huge one for me, like the saying goes, once bitten twice shy. Losing someone you love, is similar to that person dying. (2) The fear of failure, as in just a general mishandling of forming relationships, I know I am a little awkward around people, guys who may like me in the beginning, could become tired of my personality before I can fully get through to them. The fear of failure in a relationship I think is worse as I get older, I feel there are less opportunities for me out there, so to mess up those opportunities is stressful. (3) The fear of my selfishness, having to think about two people instead of just myself, I worry that I have become so used to being Steven, that I may feel smothered in a serious relationship where I have to think as a couple. I did notice mistakes I made with Dan, sometimes it's difficult when you become so used to being on your own. I did hear something however that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. They were asking a young guy if he felt any different after marrying his partner since they had lived together almost ten years. He said that he thought it wouldn't make him feel any different but after they were married it made them feel closer, he said that he feels responsible for his husband along with loving him and that they really are a family.
Now for the BIG one. (4) The fear that I fully put myself out there only to discover it's too late. That I search but find no one, that I don't even get the opportunity to fail or have my heart broken, that I put out a call that nobody answers. What if there is no match for me, what if I realize that I am destined to be single, something I have felt was going to happen to me since I was a child. What if I end up alone, it's not really something that I want. I always say that I would rather be single than be in a bad relationship so I know it's not healthy to just settle but I also think it's much healthier to feel loved.