Closed For The Holidays

It seems that I may be bouncing between my place, my parents and Dave's for the next few days. In that case I better take this moment to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I may not be blog writing for a while and if so I did not want to miss out on wishing all the best to my blog buddies since a lot of you played key roles in helping me feel good about the whole being gay thing.

I also understand it is the beginning of Chanukah this weekend so I wish a Happy Chanukah to anyone who is celebrating it.

Okay just for fun, in keeping with yesterday, I think I just watched the worst Christmas movie EVER! I was sitting there stunned with how much of a tool this movies was. Drum roll please...brrrrrrr the worst Christmas movie ever on Steven's list has to be 'Bad Santa' with Billy Bob Thornton, well I guess never trust a movie with a guy named Billy Bob as the star, (actually I like him in other movies). I just sat there waiting for the movie to redeem itself but there was almost no point to it, I did not find it one bit funny either. I began to watch something else for about half an hour hoping the movie would pick up, however when I turned back to the movie, it was still really bad. The worse scene of all is a drunk Santa pissing his pants while little kids are coming to see him, sorry for the "p" word but that is how gross I felt when I saw that. Strange but I thought after Tim Allen did a bunch of Christmas movies it could not get worse, guess I was wrong. Now for the fun part, in 'your opinion' name a bad Christmas movie. One you thought was really awful or one that you are so sick of, you feel that you can't turn the channel fast enough.

As for happy thoughts, to me I just love to see The Charlie Brown Christmas cartoon, it always helps to put me in the Christmas mood. It makes me think of being a kid again in simpler times and transports me back to Christmases past. Anyway, you people enjoy your holidays, all the best and if not soon, then see you in the new year.! ;)

That Time Of Year Again, Humbug.

The thing that I dislike about this time of year is, not the crowds, not the shopping, not all the ads, not the old movies on TV and not even the constant Christmas music playing everywhere. Nope the thing I dislike about this time of year is all the stupid pieces in news papers and on TV about how awful and stressful Christmas is. It has almost become a Christmas tradition on it's own to bash the holiday. There will always be an interview with some twit that can't handle the days to come, they just never show you the fact that this person could not even keep themselves organized at any time of year let alone on a holiday.

This year they started right after Halloween, about how stressed people get shopping, trying to find that perfect gift, about the heart burn or weight gain they suffer with from over eating. They whine about the lights and decorations while trying to out-do their neighbors. I say wake up and get some common sense, maybe step into the real world for a second. I think 'stress' would not apply to shopping but to the families where both partners lost their job and may lose the house. I think worrying about food is more for people in third world countries and they know what the true meaning of 'suffer' is. As for stressed by how your neighborhood is decked out for the holidays, ask people where the many wars are going on how they like the look of where they live at the moment. Yes it can be a bit of a pain but Christmas is what you make of it, just make it a meal with family and friends, have a few decorations like in the old days. I think past Christmases held more spirit than any mall-driven Christmas these days.

Then come the insulting stories, the ones to stir a little dust with the more devout people, the people who keep what Christmas is suppose to really mean. That Christmas is really a Pagan holiday borrowed by the early Christians, that Jesus was born in spring, that Mary was not a virgin, that she was forced to marry a much older man, that they could never have walked to Bethlehem, that there were many Jesus figures, that there never really was a Jesus. What is the point to these stories, only to upset and dampen a person's good mood or happiness. We have heard these all before over and over, there is nothing new here. To the people who keep doing it, who keep coming up with these lame stories...YOU BORE ME! It is similar to teen angst, where they want to appear cool by pretending to be annoyed by anything traditional and always focus on any negative part only. That gets old and it is old to me now, so do your frigging job as a reporter and get off your lazy ass and find a 'real' news story! Maybe then we would not get surprised by crooked politicians, drugs in our neighborhoods, people in real need who are falling through the cracks. As for Christmas, I am going to do what I always do, put some lights up, a few decorations, a great meal with family, exchange a few gifts and have a good time, but I guess that will never make the news.

Our Loss

Friday while doing dishes together, just for conversation, Dave and I began talking about people from our past who we later discovered were gay. We also talked about people that we suspect of being gay or bisexual and maybe are not ready to deal with their sexuality. It really is interesting how we think we are alone but once we step into our own little world, we find out that we were not so alone, just too mixed up at the time for us to band together. Dave had some interesting stories about some of his neighbors and school mates that were considered to be regular straight guys, who even dated girls but later finally admitted they were gay. It really shows in this day of being more open, that gay people are all over the board when it comes to types, some people you can tell right off the bat but others you will never guess.

It made me quietly think to myself about a guy who was killed a few years ago. I had met him when we were very young, we did not go to the same school but I did see him back and forth as I grew up. The first time I met him I think it was also my first real crush on another boy. Blond, tall for his age with blue eyes you could swim in. What cast a spell over me was how nice he was, I had never met someone so easy going and also non judgemental for a young boy. We were around ten or eleven and at that age most boys were not kind to each other. At different times while growing up I saw him and he was always polite, not a usual thing for a small town boy who was also a jock, while I was a klutz at sports. After our early teens I never saw him again but I often heard about him or saw pictures from friends who played sports with him, they all had the same great things to say about him.

About seven years ago I received the sad news that he was killed in a car accident, the surrounding towns were in mourning at the loss of such a good guy. Everyone said he would give the shirt off his back for someone, even a stranger in trouble and I remember thinking, 'awe, he never changed'. The thing that makes me wonder about him now is that he was a good man, handsome, good in sports, caring, kind, involved in many community events and yet he was single, never married or even really dated anyone. The wheels began to turn and I wondered. The thing however that I can't let go of is how he died. His truck went off a cliff into rocks and water below. A road that he travelled often, he had been with friends that night but was not drinking, some thought he may have fallen asleep but it was said he had been speeding. A shadow of a rumour began to spread that he may have driven off on purpose but why, a man that had so much going for him, why would he feel so lost.

If he did, if he ended his time with us too soon, I can't help think, no wife, no girlfriend, handsome man's man in a very country, straight world. If he was gay, he would probably have been really confused, really ashamed and may have thought he would be better off dead than for someone to find out he was a.....fag! At this same time I was also in the closet begging God to help me, it was hard enough for me so I can't imagine a guy who felt he had this image to hold up. I hope I'm wrong, I hope it was just a tragic accident because if it was true, what a loss. What a loss for the love that should have been shared with someone, the life that should have been lived, the decent man who would have been part of our community. We will never know what happened but I just hate the thought of such a good person feeling so hopeless, that they could see no other way out.

Love, How Do You Know

I always had a fear before coming out, that I would never have the chance to fall in love. I found that thought really sad, missing out on something which is (I think) a great part of humanity. I also used to wonder how will I know, how do you know when you are in love. Years ago when I peeked out of the closet and started dating Billy, I often wondered if I was in love with him and just did not know it. Now it is clear to me, although Billy was a great guy and good to me, I never loved him. We were two confused young gay guys that happened to meet and form a relationship, we cared about each other but not the way a couple in love does, at least not on my part.

Love does weird things to the brain, I often heard this in songs or poems but now I see examples between Dave and I all the time. Last night I was watching a scene on Six Feet Under where a gay couple were holding each other laughing at a movie. One man was very sick with a heart condition, near the end of the scene he passed away peacefully in his boyfriends arms and the look of loss on the other man's face just shot through me. Embarrassingly I cried... a lot, Dave hugged me and tried to console me but I had this vision in my head of being in their place, what if I was holding Dave and lost him like that, the joy in my life that I finally found after all this time, taken away from me. I am not sure if this is the beginning stages of a serious relationship, I assume it will change later, honestly I have no other life experience to compare it to, this is all new to me or maybe I'm just becoming runner up for wuss of the year..

Dave assure me he often feels the same way, we confessed little secrets to each other and had a good laugh about them. For instances, some times in the morning when Dave leaves for work, if I see him drive off, I feel a bit misty eyed or lonesome, just for a few seconds but it is there. Dave told me, he watches all the windows to see if I look out, he said that he always waves in case I'm looking out and he did not see me, it would bother him too much to think I was watching and not wave good bye. Whenever he leaves or ends a phone conversation, I always say "I love you" I have a fear that if something should happen to one of us, I want that to be the last thing I ever say to him. If we have been together for a couple of days, he has to leave first, if I leave first then the eyes get a little misty. I have never cared so much about another person other than my family before, I have never felt so good at just seeing a person smile at me, and now...I know.

Jerk At The Pulpit

A few days ago I was watching on TV a minister preaching to his congregation, he turned to the subject of gay marriage. Of course he went into a frenzy and I thought he would start foaming at the mouth for a second. He basically went on to say that 'homosexuals' are ashamed of who they are and they want the rest of the world to accept them because deep down they feel guilty and also that deep down they know they are wrong. That straight people accepting homosexuals will make us not feel the guilt so much because 'straights' will be "lowering" their standards of morals to meet our own. He said we want our relationships to be viewed as normal and part of society. He said deep within our soul we know we are sinning and our very soul cries that out to us. I could not help think "you jerk, you are placing your ignorant views about me, on me."

Down deep to my very core, even though I had a hard time accepting my homosexuality, I felt shame because of hiding being gay. Yes, there was some shame over being gay but whenever I really thought about it, I knew it was just a part of me and not something like wanting to steal or hurt someone. The hiding felt like lying and that was most of my guilt. I want people to accept me so I can live in peace with Dave, not because I think I need straight people to validate my life. It feels very 'normal' for me to be with Dave in every way that two people relate to one another as a couple. It however feels very wrong and almost repulsive to be with a woman in an intimate way for me. Our relationships 'are' normal, just the sexes are different and gay relationships are already part of society, just he is too stubborn to open his eyes, look past his nose and see they are all around him. You want me to search deep down, okay deep down I know I'm right and you're wrong! My very soul tells me I'm gay and whether I'm a good person or not has nothing to do with the fact of me being gay or straight. One final thing, as a preacher please stop lying, do not say you are only saying these things out of love for us when you are yelling and screaming like a mad man, we can tell when there is anger and contempt in a person's voice, at least tell the truth, that you hate us, that you can't stand us and have no intention of trying to know who we are or what we are going through. At least then I would respect you for being honest with your followers, because according to your good book, half truths and lies do not come from God so who inspired your sermon.

Still Single?

Still single, that question never really bothered me before, now however it could be the beginning of a battle. I had the intention of not telling my parents about the whole guy on guy love thing between Dave and I, however living so close and interacting with people from back home all the time, I just don't see how I can avoid telling them. When I meet people they will always ask "still single" and what should I say. Do I say yes I'm still single to keep from opening that door, but if I do that I am lying about one of the most important things that is happening to me right now, one of the most important ever. I also feel like I am betraying Dave, betraying our love and I just don't feel like doing that. If I say no then of course will come all the questions!
"What is her name?"
"Dave."
"That is an unusual name for a girl!"
"Well she is a he, I'm into guys."
"Well does that mean you're gay?"
"Oh no no don't be silly, I just thought since I did not have a girl-friend at the moment and plus I already know what to do with a penis, I would date Dave until the right woman comes along."
"Do your parents know."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

This hiding my relationship from some people is starting to feel like being back in the closet, I don't see the point, I just want to be happy, why can't people just be happy for me. Christmas is becoming a hassle also, I'm not a huge Christmas fan as I think it is mostly for little kids, for adults I think we should just observe the religious part if you are a Christian and then get together for a good meal with family and friends. Dave would like me with him, my parents would be crushed if I did not spend it with them, even if they knew about us it is not like they would say "oh just bring your nice boyfriend honey, the more the merrier." That is the side that is starting to get to me, I don't feel I should be anywhere that Dave is not, I should be able to take him just like I could take a woman I was dating if I was straight.

Yesterday, a friend from high school lost her father, I have not spoken with her in years, if the weather clears up I was thinking of going to pay my respects. It is on my mind that people will ask and the thing is I don't want to lie, I don't want to cause a stir or do it to shock people but I want to be able to tell the truth when they ask "You still single" I want to be able to say "no I've met a really great guy".

Dumber & Dumberererer

Way back in my younger days, when the Internet began to catch on and was becoming part of most homes, I felt excited for mankind. I thought it would leap humans into a new level of existence, one where people would become more worldly if not at least better educated. It never occurred to me at the time that people would use it to spread untruths and have groups even more in the dark about life. It also never occurred to me that people would read facts about a subject and say "nah that is too hard to process so I am going against what all these scientists and doctors say and I will believe this goof with little or no education". I can't understand why people 'want' to be stupid. I feel so frustrated at times now we have not only growing numbers of people who believe we are not actually gay, just damaged straight people waiting to be turned back, but we also have growing numbers of people who think Hitler never did a mean thing but was just misunderstood, our great great grandparents ate all the dinosaurs, no one ever landed on the moon, the CIA took down the towers so Bush could go get oil in Iraq, HIV does not cause AIDS or that the CIA released AIDS on the world, the world will end in 2012 and if that fails then 2029 and if that fails 2036 and if that fails..... I'm so disappointed in the way it turned out, I should have realized that people always want to take the easy way, why spend the time looking a subject up on the net where you may actually learn something. Think, with the knowledge we have these days, life could have become so much better for people everywhere but honestly now that I have outgrown my innocence of youth, I know that will 'never' happen, that is just a fact, that sounds awful but it is just human nature to never let that happen. We will only use modern technology to make things worse or control people better. When I see a person on TV crying because after years of ignoring the warnings, they feel mislead I get bored, I think "too bad" maybe that sounds mean but I just get so tired of these people who just absolutely refuse to listen to reason until it is too late, I feel they were mislead because they wanted to be mislead, don't ask us to make it all go away, you were warned and now you must pay the piper.

Maybe I'm in a bad mood, maybe it is a form of gay-man PMS but when I'm on here in the blog bubble and most people (gay or straight) are so open, I forget about the outside world, however as soon as I go on any other sites it can be a shocker in how mean spirited people can be. Since I am from the country, sometimes I read sites or blogs dealing with subjects regarding the country, like horses for example. Not to be picking on you guys but the American sites are the funniest, not funny ha ha but funny dark. They always list their likes as "raising livestock the way Jesus would want us to" then they say "loving the lord Jesus and living as he would" then "selling guns, shooting, hunting, fighting to keep our guns free from Obama". Well not that I have anything against people who hunt but I always wonder what kind of gun would Jesus use? Since they list semi-automatics I'm not sure what animal they use that on but maybe they are right, maybe Jesus should have had one in the garden with him, think how the Romans would have run for cover when the bullets started zinging past their ears, of course Christians would not be saved then. No offense to Christians or Jesus intended, just to people who sell guns and say they live like Jesus would. Next will come the comments about "fags" and the "n" word. Maybe I expect too much from people considering they hear the same garbage from their politicians and minsters but then maybe that is an excuse, I form my own opinions and not even my parents can really influence that, so why can't they, why do so many people let others think for them. I don't know where I'm going with this, maybe I'm just feeling blah today so..the end.

Not Coming Up Roses

Tonight I'm not really in the mood to post anything serious so lets talk about the tube. Since I'm a little bit gay myself, I like to see any other decent gay person make it in the world. It is getting better for people whether in business, government, acting, singing etc but there still can be road blocks. The other night Dave and I sat down to watch the new 'Rosie O Donald Live' show, in spite of her few melt downs and being some what of a loud mouth, I still like Rosie. Did any of you see the show? I was hoping for a hit, I wanted this to be a come-back for her, however we sat there in silence. I thought it was terrible, Dave thought it was terrible, the lines were read like a high school play, she had a lot of not so famous actors show up and say a few lines, the jokes were awful and it made me think of a show that was produced back in the fifties. I know she said she wanted to do a variety hour like the old Carol Burnett show, but it should of had an up dated feel to it. We can forgive the shows from back then as it was all new to entertainment however there is no excuse now. I think you will see this flop fast unless they get better writers and quick! I hear it is very hard to get into the business, so I would think that whoever put this show together, should have enough experience to step back and say "hold it everyone, this just is not working" people have so many choices these days that they will click away and it is very unlikely that they will come back. I'm not trying to rain on her show, but as "family" I want to see her do well so I hope something changes fast. We taped the show and I am sorry to say mostly hit the fast-forward button.

Thursday In Canada

Today is Thursday in Canada, just a Thursday, like any other Thursday where people go to work, come home, eat supper, watch a bit of TV and go to bed, nothing else! Well... so to all my American friends out there I would just like to say ... you are what you eat! ;P




Well unless you eat tofu or salad today then that just spoils my smart-ass-y-ness.

Support

A month ago Dave and I went to a celebration of a person's life. That is the only way I could describe the event. I thought it was to be a memorial but I felt it was more of a celebration. Some of you may remember I wrote about a gay couple who are friends of Dave. They had adopted two boys with learning disabilities, threw all their resources behind helping the boys and created a family. Last year one of the men developed cancer and he seemed to be recovering but sadly it looks like the drugs were too strong for his weakened condition and he died suddenly. I had never met these men but Dave was invited for the evening and I was welcomed to come. The partner that was left behind wanted to give the boys time before he held this memorial as it would be too raw for them to follow on the heel of the funeral.

I was expecting a sombre evening, with whispers maybe even tears. I always wondered how the father left behind coped and thought of how unfair it seemed that two boys who were given a second chance at a family, had part of it ripped away. I wanted to come to show my support, I felt he would know that I being gay as well could understand his loss. I was greeted however with cheerful smiles, made to feel welcomed and told funny stories of their past life together, as I said it was a celebration of his life and I thought that was beautiful. There were many people there and one could quickly see that family and friends had circled around to try and fill the empty spot. It was good to see they still keep on living the way he would want them to go on. Keeping in mind I had never met him, his pictures revealed a very handsome 'James Dean' type looking man. It was also interesting to see the groups he was involved with and I soon got the impression of a mover and shaker in any community.

The thing that impressed me the most was how they turned their life over to the boys, they understood that the boys would develop at a much slower rate than most children so they constantly stimulate them in fun and interesting ways. They traveled everywhere with them, if the boys heard about a city or country that looked interesting to them, they took them on summer vacation. They had them in programs to help with their learning skills and had them involved with groups like other children. They also had them reading books and playing games that challenge them. It was also interesting to see that a lot of the people there who were doting over the boys were their teachers and tutors, they generally had a love for the boys like their own family members. Many told me that the boys were what gave them joy in their jobs, they said that they only wished the other children would put half of the effort into learning as these guys do, also they said if only other parents would be as involved in their children's learning. I said to Dave that as bad as this sounds, since the world judges people on looks first, I am so glad with all their problems, they are really cute little guys, they are not quite teens yet but you can tell they will be handsome and in this cruel world that will help them.

There was a mixed crowd of gays, lesbians and straight people and it felt good that all these people were coming together to show support. It was also interesting to meet the younger brother of the man who passed away, him and his gay partner, I have often noticed it seems common that a gay person has a gay brother or sister. I also met my competition, before I met Dave the guys were trying to fix Dave up with a friend of theirs (Shawn) but they just never were able to cross paths and then I came into Dave's picture before he could go out on a date with Shawn, well sorry there Shawn your loss, "meooow hissssssssssssss" back off! Kidding, Shawn was actually a really nice guy.

The evening went by quickly and we decided it was time to leave. Sad that I never had the chance to meet this man because looking back on his life, I like him and would loved to have been his friend. Time ran out on us as we knew about each other but never had the chance to meet, I guess it just shows how we should not keep putting things off in life. I could not help notice that I actually enjoyed myself and what a statement to be made about the life of someone who did so many good things to make a stranger feel good about the way they lived that life. Also he and his partner have given me a life lesson, I went there feeling they were heroes for adopting, however both men made it very clear to people that they felt, they were the ones blessed and not the boys. I think looking back on the evening, we would be lucky if we get to make that much of an impact in life. I remember reading something on Birdie's site ( sorry Birdie too lazy to find the link) about all we have to leave behind that is a part of who we were would be our love, and that is all we can hope for.

Into Feet

I'm into feet... that would be 'Six Feet Under' so don't worry I will not be writing a kinky post here, even though some of you probably wish I would! I had heard of Six Feet Under but I was not sure if it was a movie or TV show, different people told me that I would like it. Dave told me he was a fan and I knew my sister was also a fan. Over the last few years we have been giving her the complete seasons as gifts. Dave and I borrowed the box-sets from her and started watching it the last couple of weeks, I really like it. I'm not sure if any of you have heard about it but the show is basically a family that runs a funeral home, with interesting views on life, death and also very dark humour. Along with the raw sex scenes and swearing, there is also a beauty to the interaction between the characters, many lines from the show give me that catch moment like a well written poem.

I am nearing the end of season one and the last show I watched touched me, it was about David, one of the brothers who is trying to accept the fact that he is gay. He is confronted by angry anti-gay protesters at the funeral of a gay teen that was killed by bashers. He tells his friend that he feel like he belongs with the protesters and not with the gay people, that he wants to be the family man he sees in his church with a child on his knee. He prays to God that he is lonely and empty and begs for his help. It was like a scene from my recent past and I could not help feel sorry for the character.

I can't imagine what would have happened to me if I saw this years ago, would it have kick started something in me or would I sit there in denial. I felt good inside watching the show because now I don't feel that way anymore. To me it is so natural to be cuddled up on the couch with Dave, now I have the feeling of belonging, that this life makes sense, it is where I am suppose to be. I hope that all the 'Davids' out there can make it through, it certainly is a hard process to get your head around straight (no pun intended).

I don't watch a lot of TV but I like this show (so far) I can see why it never made it to main stream channels, most people would not 'get it' or would be offended by it. Still it amazes me how this was a hidden jewel while shows like Clue-less, Full House and Doc with Billy Ray Cyrus tortured us for years by just being on the tube.

Bound

I should point out regarding my last post "I Wonder" that as a Canadian, I have the right to marry Dave one day if we should reach that point in our relationship. The bible jerks tried to stop it up here but we won, I want to be clear that 'bible jerks' does not mean everyone involved in religion as there are many good people in every faith, we all know who I mean. They could not label me as second class, I'm equal to them under Canadian law and there is not a thing they can do about it.

Still I feel really upset over what happened in the States, I have made a lot of blog friends south of the border who I think very highly of and part of me just feels that I can't be totally free unless you guys are free, I don't feel whole in society unless you guys are considered whole in your society. It was hard to read so many of your blogs and feel the pain of what the vote meant to all of you. It hurts, I'm not affected by law but it hurt me so I can imagine how many of you felt.

Finally, I also found it sad because many people in other countries watch what Americans do, considering that many countries still jail or execute gay people, I think it would have given hope or courage to gay people in these types of countries. If the U.S had of opened this door it could have started a dialog around the world and maybe some countries would have become more exposed (educated) on gay issues, they would see we are not bad people, just people who love the same but our sexuality is different. Maybe some countries would have relaxed their laws, however now I think for those gay people, their closet doors have just been shut a little tighter and honestly I can't blame them.

I Wonder

I wonder if the people who voted for prop8 were told that since the state of California would be losing the revenues from the extra marriage licences, that those who voted 'yes' would have to pay higher taxes than those who voted no, would they have been so moral to still vote that way. What about the statements being made that gays should not have to pay full taxes since they are not full citizens, would all these straight people mind picking up the tab so that no one can mention the word 'gay' around their children, because we all know we never heard the word 'gay' when we were in school. What about the children who will be stuck in institutions now since gays can't adopt or even single people for that matter. In Arkansas, are they ready to pick up the slack and open their homes, wallets and hopefully hearts for these children. As a Christian you can't take an action and expect to wash your hands of that action after, I think if you stop someone from giving a child a loving home, you better be prepared to open your home and in a loving way, not an abusive way. The churches that stuck their noses into politics, should the state not go to them and say "okay you got your way, now you must pay the piper, the children need someone to look after them, what will you do about it" and since it is churches probably they need to set up a task force to make sure the children will be safe. If churches are getting themselves into politics and thus into the lives of people who are not even a part of those churches, should they lose the tax free status they enjoy. I think we can now see why a lot of church groups are against any hate-crime laws, instead being for them, should they not want to help and protect people. Time shows us again and again that most people really want to be able to discriminate against others, to be able to say "I'm better than you", these days it is not accepted by most to look down on people because of their skin colour, gender, religion etc, however they still have one can that is accepted to kick around (gays), it was their final chance to show their true heart, a heart that was able to say "ah ha, got you, I'm better than you... so you don't deserve the same freedoms that I get to have". People never surprise me, on the whole they will always take the low road for everything until they are embarrassed into doing the right thing, however what if there was a price to pay, what if you could not just make an X and walk away thinking your vote will not come at a cost to you, how strong would people be then. Sadly there was a price to pay, the cost will be picked up by the gays and lesbians who wanted to say to the world, "I love this person, I want to spend the rest of our time together".

To The Bat-s Cave

The morning of my birthday I knew we were going out in the country but I also knew it was not just straight hiking (no pun intended) as Dave had something up his sleeve. Turns out he was taking me to explore some caves, I had always wanted to try this and now I finally had the chance. He said we need to have a good breakfast before we go but first he would give me what I really wanted..... then we had breakfast an hour later....yes I said an hour!

Dave had recently shown me how to play checkers, it may sound funny to some but I never knew how to play checkers before. I became hooked and so he gave me as my first gift my own game, he was a little embarrassed by doing that but I thought it was cute and loved the gift. After breakfast I still did not know what he had planned for us but we dressed warm and headed out. It was a beautiful sunny day, lucky for us as the past week was cold with lots of snow. We arrived and I figured out what we were doing, the guide had us put on our hard hats and got ready to enter the cave.

It was dark and a little creepy and...I loved it! We came upon a group of bats sleeping on the ceiling, I thought what a good picture that would make for you guys to see and so snapped this pic, the flash was very bright, yeah probably should not have done that, you really should not scare bats when you are trapped in a cave with hundreds of them.

Okay onward we go, watch out for the water, hope there are no bears sleeping in there.

More sleeping bats again, this time I remembered to leave my flash off. No I'm just kidding, I did not use the flash for a spooky effect, the bats are asleep for the winter, nothing can wake them up only heat, the guide told us that they will not awaken from camera flashes, our movements or sound, only heat will awaken them as they wait for spring. Some bats even had frost on them and looked frozen. They were actually really tiny.

You could see where water once did flow through these caves. That is supposedly what formed the caves.

There were stairs in places to help you get up or down, this way everyone could enjoy the caves.

Getting near to the end, we were shown a cave-in, rocks collapsed and blocked this part of the cave, maybe we should get out of here now!

Ahh, light at the end of the tunnel. I did not get to take that many pictures as I was having too good of a time to think about my camera. Also some pictures just don't show well. There was a part of the cave they called the cathedral and it was as big as a church inside, yet it does not show up on film, the size I mean.

We went hiking after and I will put those pictures up later. We enjoyed watching the guys zipping around on cables, this spring we are going to come back and give it a try. You hike to the tallest mountain (our mountains are hills really) and then you strap on a harness and slide from tree to tree on a cable going from one mountain to the other back and forth until you finally make your way back down to the ground, looks like a lot of fun.

After the hike Dave took me to a restaurant where the waiters and waitresses sing and some dance. I thought it was going to be hokey but was soon rewarded with some really talented young singers, I really enjoyed them and they put on a good show. The food was good, you could order almost anything but their main specialty was a sea food buffet. I also tried frog legs that night, it is no joke, they really do taste like chicken.

The next morning Dave gave me two photo calendars, I asked why and he said this was my birthday weekend not just one day. I told him he had done enough, he said he was not finished yet. He gave me what I wanted again... yes again for almost an hour again... eat your heart out! When I came down from my shower, I was surprised by a huge breakfast of 'gay pancakes' as he called them! They were good!

That is when he asked me to look at one of the photos he gave me, he said he liked it best, I kept looking to see what was so special when I suddenly saw the front row seats to the Celine Dion concert. Yeah he spoiled me, it was the best birthday ever, still I love my little checkers game and gay pancakes the best I think, because that shows the cute side of Dave and that is why I am nuts about this guy!

Ouch

Sometimes words can really sting, I know that I am suppose to ignore statements made out of ignorance however we all know that is easier said than done. This past weekend my parents and I were talking about a politician that they do not like, my mom made the following statement "he is so crooked, remember when he tried to get his homosexual son off", I said that his son was not a homosexual, his son was a rapists, she answered back "homosexual or rapists, whats the difference". Ouch Mom, I have to say it is partly age that makes her say this, she was not like that years ago, now she is at the age where everything and everyone is wrong, crooked or out to get people. Still however when I am suddenly slapped with something like that, I can't help wonder how they will view me if I told them.

I Did Not Know

I did not know that when they say not to bring any cameras or recorders to a concert, they don't actually mean it anymore.
I did not know that they no longer search people for recording devices at concerts.
I did not know that I need not worry about having my camera taken away.
I did not know that everyone at the Celine Dion concert 'except me' would bring their camera.
I did not know that Dave got us front row seats, I knew that we would be close but not that close.
I did not know that the spot light would shine on the place where we were sitting as the beautiful Celine walked towards us upon entering to sing.
I did not know she would stand one foot from me.
I did not know that she would sing about six feet from us and wave to us.
I did not know that at the end of the concert she would stop and grab Dave and I by the hand.
I did not know I was going to have the most wonderful time at a concert ever.
I did not know that I could bring my camera... I did not know that I would have no way of showing it. :(

It was a great concert, Dave 'knows people' and I can't believe we went from not being able to go, to having front row seats. It was the last of my birthday presents from Dave, he is just too good to me. I wish I brought my camera but I'm not sad, I just wanted to tell people she grabbed my hand. Dave and I are like school girls over this, we just think it is cool in a funny way. When she was walking out, Dave reached his long arm out and called her name, she firmly grabbed him by the hand and I thought it would be cool to touch her so I touched her arm and she grabbed my hand and gave it a quick squeeze. There were so many people trying the same thing though it was not like she could sit down and chat with us lol.

Not Into Posting

I just don't feel like posting these last few days, nothing bad happened just that I am not up to it for some reason. I still have not said anything about my b'day and what a great day Dave made for me or a few other little things I could write about. I guess a little blog laziness. I would just like to say Dave managed to use his connections and got tickets for the lovely Celine Dion tomorrow, very and I mean 'very' close to the stage, should be a good show. Now all you hard rockers out there don't give me a rough time over this, lets just say this is part of me accepting my gay side (I love her powerful voice) and I'm sure there will be a lot of 'family' there. Dave did it for my birthday knowing how much I wanted to go, now see why I love this man so much.

Things are great between us so not posting has nothing to do with that either, posting feels like a chore at the moment. Regarding Dave and I, since most of you know the problems we were having, I would just like to say Dave is really working on that, lately we seem to be working on it a lot. I am a little sad that Dave is not the kind of guy who would suddenly out of the blue, come on to me and have us end up doing it on the floor, couch, graveyard* or table (he has a glass table so bad idea anyway) but he is letting himself enjoy our 'special' time together more often, plus he is much less likely to say no to me now. I think I have learned a few extra buttons to push as well. The main thing is I feel total love coming from the guy towards me and that is all we can ever really hope for, no relationship is perfect but I am happy when I am with him and lonely when we are apart. We have been talking about moving in together, actually talking about it a lot lately and I think I am going to do it. Dave makes me a better person and I find I often take the easy or wrong route when I am alone in the apartment. My only thing is moving in will be like giving up a part of myself and I am just starting to figure out who that person is, however on the other hand I have been alone all my life and I am tired of that feeling, been there done that. I had my own "awe" moment the other night while here at my place, I noticed that I often roll or wake up trying to move to where Dave's warm body should be in bed, so even in my sleep I miss him when he is not around, okay everyone all together "awwwwwwe".

*shout out to Java!

Hey Yankee Doodles, You Did It!

Wow! Congrats to my American readers, I hope this election gives you what you wanted, hoped for, needed. It also is a historic day for your country.

As a Canadian, I am not sure how Obama will relate to this country, whether good or bad for relations and trade, but the one thing I am happy about is Palin has no chance of becoming President and that thought scared the crap out of me.

ID Please

Well I made it back safe and sound, I have to say I had a great time this past weekend. As I get older I find the thought of my birthday scarier than Halloween. As per Patrick's request, I will include the list I was given since both Dave's and Patrick's lists made me laugh. Dave's actual list...

Friday evening: Very cute cowboy outfit.

Saturday: Hiking boots, jeans, sweat shirt, long-johns, old jacket, hat. Extra clothes in case.

Saturday evening: Nice shirt, dress pants, tie, nice jacket, dress shoes.

Saturday night: No clothes required, just a towel and Kleenex.

Okay I really noticed the last one too. Friday we went to my sister's party and Dave mingled really well with everyone, he had a great time (I'm so glad). My sister really likes Dave and that is a bonus for me. We went as cowboys and laughed when we got there because 2 out of every three people were dressed as a cowboy. Some people joked that they did not receive the 'cowboy memo'. For my U.S readers there was a woman dressed as Palin and she did such a good job, even with some of her actions. While the dinner goes on we also hand out candy to the kids who come to the door. I like the little ones between two and five years old, they are so wide eyed, not sure whether the desire for candy out weighs the desire to run! For a Friday evening there were not many children and my sister was a little disappointed. After the dinner and conversation, Dave and I went out dancing at a gay bar with some of the gay women who were at the party. I was asked for my ID!!! :) I said "are you kidding me" and Dave laughed and said to the woman at the door "he is turning *BLANK* tomorrow"! She looked at me again and said "okay you can go ahead, sorry it is just that your glasses hide all the wrinkles around your eyes" ouch.. b.. bb... bitch! Around one in the morning after we had shaken our little buns enough, we decided to leave and realized it was good that we came early, there was a line up around the block to get in. Plus Dave had plans for me on Saturday and said we needed to leave by 10:30 am. I have pictures of what we were up to but I just have not down loaded them yet, I'll post them tomorrow and talk about some of the stuff we did. Now I have to see what you people have been up to!

All Hallows Eve

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Run everyone and remember, if you split from the group, you will be next! Muhahaha! Happy Halloween kids! I am starting a little early because I will not be around for a few days and I wanted to have my blog fun now. Death came the other night for my poor tomato plants. Tomorrow night is my sister's annual Halloween dinner, it is fun we have good food, friends and watch the kids come for treats. My sister, like her brother (me) has a bit of a brat streak in her. She likes to make up her front yard with things that jump out at you when you enter her grounds. I mean grounds, as in ghoulish grave yard, she has fun turning her front yard into an old story book haunted grave yard, none of this 'PC' smiling happy face ghosts. The best part is usually the kids are trying to calm down the mothers.


Make no bones about it, we both have the same liking for scary things, even as little kids we have always liked scary movies, stories, books etc, however that is we like scary movies and not gross or gory movies. Does any one remember the Saturday morning oldies, Abbott and Costello or even Laurel and Hardy, being chased by the wolfman, bats or vampires, for kids those were scary and fun days, we never knew whether to laugh or be scared. It often brought in our parents to get a kick out of us watching the same movies they watched when little. Halloween for us was just a fun time to dress up and go visit neighbors, for kids stuck out in the country this was a welcome break from the isolation. It is sad that so many people want to ruin it for kids now, the usual bunch that is always at it, sucking the fun and life out of everything, like vampires only their pay off is monotony and control

After the dinner and scaring the crap out of little kids, a bunch of us are going to a gay bar for a little drinking and dancing, more bad behaviour, oh yeah! That night it will be back to Dave's for the night. I am a little excited about this because the next day, he has plans for me. It will be my b'day and he has a weekend planned out but will not tell me a single thing. He just gave me a list of different types of clothes I will need for the days and evenings. I am not even sure if we are staying in this city. I do not care if he takes me somewhere exciting or relaxing, I am excited that someone has planned something out for me and I totally appreciate that. Still the not knowing is a bit like being a kid on Christmas morning. Did I just say Christmas, yikes back to Halloween, the other will be here soon enough.


The Haunted House. On my way home to see my parents, I was saddened to see that an old farm house on the way there, had been torn down. There are plans to build homes along that road because it has a river view. I am sure every new home will be nice, in fact so nice that every home around it will be build exactly like it, except for the door or siding colour. I was sad to see the old house go as it to me was standing history. It was even still in use last year. Gone too is the ghost story within. The house was quite old, at least a hundred years or more and through the years the original children grew up and left, leaving behind their parents to age and eventually die. Even before my time, for many years the house sat empty. One night a man returning from a late binge on the town, saw a glowing figure standing in the door, knowing no one lived there anymore, plus being of Irish background and hearing the old people's stories of spirits, banshees and devils there was no way he was going to stop and check it out. At first he said nothing, people would blame the drink he well knew. However as many a night traveller passed the house, she appeared. In the door, the glowing figure, waiting, peering out. People began to talk, many had saw the figure, many felt it must be the old woman who had lived there all her life, lost or confused and so she stays bound to where she knows, her house. It soon became that many of the superstitious people were afraid to pass the house at night. Finally some men had become curious and wanted to investigate, including a family member who came back to see what was going on. They stayed around one night, at first nothing happened but then suddenly a glowing started to appear at the front door, a long slender figure, and staring at the light, they saw it was actually coming from upstairs. To their surprise they discovered that light was coming from a passing car as it came round the corner on the road, the light would shine directly on a long mirror in the hall upstairs and reflect back out, giving the appearance of a glowing light in the house where no light should shine. In the last few years, road work and clearing of brush had exposed the once hidden mirror to certain headlights, it was all in how someone passed by, causing some to see the reflection and others not to. The mirror was moved into a room and the ghost was finally laid to rest. Of course many of the old people did not accept this explanation, eventually a family bought the place, moved in and never reported any strange lights after. Now of course some say tilted floor boards, but they could just never figure out how the old piano that came with the house, no matter how many times they moved it, kept returning to the corner where it was when they moved in.




Happy Halloween! ;P

Simple Moment

It happened the other night, it was a simple moment, nothing earth shattering and yet it was the world to me. I had spent the day at Dave's, doing little projects outside together before the winter sets in. The day was sunny and unusually warm, the air had an ironic spring smell to it as if life was about to start over and not go to sleep. I did not want the day to end but the sun was sinking lower in the sky. Everything was so silent and the beauty of the sun setting over the creek that quietly flows past Dave's house was breath taking. I said to Dave, "wow that is beautiful" and looking over at him, he sat on a stone wall, reached out to me and said come here. He pulled me into him, I turned around and sat on the wall between his legs. He wrapped his long arms lovingly around me, put his chin on my shoulder, our cheeks touching and we just sat there in silence together watching the sun go down. It had so much meaning for me that the moment was almost over whelming. One reason, I felt it was the summer sun's last good bye, the last perfect sunset for the season until next spring. Most of all however it was the reason that poems are written about, it is the fodder for love songs, two people in love watching the sun set. A first for me I realized of my entire life, and even though I have watched many beautiful sunsets, this time it was almost intoxicating to be sharing it with someone. A simple moment for most people everywhere, but something so touching and new for someone who has finally allowed himself to fall in love.

I get it now, the love songs that is, the love stories and poems. I thought I understood them before but I see now that you can not really grasp the meaning until you have actually been in that emotion. It is kind of like when someone has suffered a great loss, everyone tries to comfort them by saying they understand, when in reality they have no clue, they never had to experience the feeling. That was one of my fears when still in the closet, to grow old and die always having been alone, never knowing what 'being in love' with someone was like. I would have considered my life a waste if that had happened. I understand now when love songs speak of never wanting to be apart, of being complete together and of being broken hearted at the thought of losing one another. Whispering to Dave I even expressed this feeling to him, I said "so this is what love songs are about" he kissed me lightly on the neck just below my ear and whispered "I do love you so much". I leaned my head back onto his shoulder and just enjoyed the warmth of his body. The air quickly became very crisp with the fading light and as the sun finally sank from our sight, I softly said "thank you for sharing this with me".

When I Look Back

This past year I felt that I had done little with my life, however a straight friend made the comment "are you freaking kidding me" and then pointed out the guy she knew a year ago and the guy now. Sometimes it is good to have some of those straight people around, they can come in real handy! When I look back I am amazed at the way I stepped into this new world of mine, to go from being afraid of even typing the word 'gay' to where I have a boyfriend and most people know about us, it is almost unbelievable to me at times. If three years ago someone tried to tell me this, I would have said their crystal ball was broke, I would have also said they were totally wrong because "I'm straight, what the heck are you talking about" and then went off to sweat over what I did wrong to let them see through the 'straight shield' that I was obsessed over.

I am back planning to attend my sisters Halloween dinner (where did the time go) and it was such a huge event for me last year. Some may remember there were suppose to be some gay men and women there and I was excited as it would be my first contact with other gay people. Some may also remember it ended up with only one straight man showing up and some lesbians, the guy left early and I was teased about being the only man in a house full of women, most of who are married or gay! I had fun anyway and a good laugh out of it. Here I am now not thinking about whether the people there will be gay or straight, male or female, I just want to make friends and have a good time. I have Dave now and it will just be an evening out, plus a chance to let Dave and my sister get to know each other better. Mountains are becoming molehills, and this tells me I am on the right path, because I want to feel good about the things I've done this last year, when I look back.

Legal Action

I have posted pictures on here of my balcony and how I grow plants and keep it spotlessly clean. One of the ways I keep pigeons away is by simply placing small flags around the railing. I figure that if everyone pitched in a little, we can make our surroundings look nicer. That is one of the reasons I will pick up garbage in the hallway if some lazy ass drops it. I think this is my home, I don't want it to look dirty, I also understand that most people these days do not think this way. Even in their own building if they drop something, they always think "oh well they pay people to pick up after me".

Today I received a letter from the company that owns the building, they said it has come to their attention that I have flags on my balcony and screening on the railing (yes dork, for the last FIVE years I have). The letter also stated only summer furniture is allowed on the balcony, I guess no flowers or mini garden. They said to remove them at once and threatened to take legal action if I don't do it within the next few days. The flags were the small ones that you see at a parade, not huge ones, the dark screen was here when I moved in and covered the rails so the pigeons could not fly through the bars, the flags scared them from flying over the top railing onto the balcony, you can't see the screen from the ground and I can't see the harm in having plants and flowers.

This has just upset me greatly, I am a good tenant, I am clean, respectful and always pay my rent. They could have just asked me as I see the manager all the time. If the flags were bothering someone they could have just said "Steve we have to ask you to remove the flags" and I would have done it, not send me a threatening letter. I'm waiting to see if other people remove their flags etc as well. They gave me a list of ways to keep away the pigeons, I say f$%* you! If you want me to do these things then buy them for me and I'll put them up. I honestly give up however, looking at the other balconies with TV dishes and wires everywhere, covered in two inches of bird crap, bikes, old chairs or just years of pigeons building nests and crapping, I will do the same. If they want me to conform, I'll conform, I'll just close my balcony door and let it become a filth hole like most of the others.

I can't help wonder who complained, some crazy old pigeon person that thought it was cruel to scare them from my balcony, maybe one of those bitter people who just can't stand to see someone doing something nice and tries to interfere, or maybe one of those hypocritical Quebec separatists who bitch about Canada flags but work for the Canadian government and live in Ontario for the better health care. Perhaps the pigeons like everyone else, have gotten themselves a lawyer.

Dear building management, please forgive me for trying to keep my balcony clean, for trying to add a little beauty and make it inviting, I promise that you have taught me a good lesson and I will never attempt to do that again. I promise to never pick up paper in the halls either or put some dumb ass's garbage down the shoot who just left it at the door to smell. I promise not to try and clean all the salt and snow from my boots, I'll just walk in like most others do. Now don't you worry, the next time someone asks me "is this a good place to live" I will be sure to tell them how you are on top of the flag situation... but can fall behind quite a bit when it comes to repairs.

No Time

I do not want to sound like a broken record but some times I find city life and city people so cold and self-centered at times unlike people from the country. There is just no time for anyone as people rush around to no where and I realized that it is also starting to rub off on me. This week one of my close friends lost her Dad, she was strong but still being the youngest and Daddy's girl, there were times where the thought of never seeing him again or talking to him again would overwhelm her. I let her cry on my shoulder so to speak the next night on the phone and asked what arrangements would be made. Later I spoke to our groups of friends to see who was going where and when. This is the part that reminds me that I am in the city now, everyone made statements like "oh I sent her an email" or "I will probably call her" or "I will be in meetings all day so I can't go in the evening". I thought 'wow' when did we get to the point of having so little time in our lives that we could not set aside a moment to go comfort a friend in time of sorrow. When did we become so self centered or uncaring. It is like people don't want to have to put themselves out in the slightest way for others.

In the country we would not dream of missing such an important moment in a friend's life. It is a sign of respect to the family and it would almost seem shameful for us not to go. I remember my sister and I talking about this one day when we first moved to the city. If we went to a funeral or were invited to a wedding in town, we expected it to be huge because there are more people in a city. However we were always surprised at how few people would show up to events like this. Where I came from the halls and churches would be packed if a loved friend was married or their family member passed away. When I went to the wake, there was only one other person from our group of friends. Some people asked me to send their respects however I decided not to, as it is up to them to make the effort. I thought also how silly will it sound to say "Mary is thinking of you in this time of sorrow and feels really bad about picking up a few groceries, that could have waited until tomorrow instead of coming here to support you".

No time, there just seems to be no time left for anything except work, school, TV or the computer. People have to plan out weeks ahead of time to visit each other, and that is even not too often once we get past 27 - 28. I sometimes hear people complain about having to go see their parents as if their time was too good to waste on Mom and Dad, making fun of them because they are old and set in their ways now. I remember at work a woman saying that her father bought a house down the street from her, my thought was, "oh that is good, he will not be lonely and she will have him close by" I was suddenly shocked when all the people around her groaned and said things like "that is awful", "oh no that's bad" or "I would move." Same with kids these days, I know they can be spoiled but there is no time for kids in our society now, maybe that is why they are brats. I always hear about changing schools to run all year, after school programs, before school programs, three year old kindergarten, huge government daycare programs, as both parents have to work these days to make ends meet. It is a fact of life I understand that, just I feel sorry for kids if we have to keep them in an institution because no one has time to look after them. You can pay someone to look after them but you can't pay someone to love them and kids are smart, they know when someone cares. There is just no room or time for them, I understand the cities are too fast paced and dangerous now to let them run around and play like we used to. Same with pets, people complain and say it is cruel if a factory farm locks an animal up in a cage and I agree, but these days how many people lock their dog or sometimes cat in a crate for the day because they don't have time to train them properly or the animal can't stand to be alone. There are people in my building who love their pets and take care of them well, but think for a minute, they lock the dog up at six, leave for work, come back that evening around five, take the dog out then maybe lock him back up at seven, go out for the evening and return near ten or eleven. There is love just no time to show it.

I am just making this observation, not trying to get up on a high horse. In fact the next day I fell into the "don't take my precious time" selfish trap as well. The funeral was in the morning and I was going out to Dave's place and then my parents. I thought I would go to the wake the evening before and that would be enough as the funeral would cut into my travel time. The next night however I was thinking, I am sure my friend had all sorts of plans for the week and she had to change everything, I felt guilty because all I had to do was show up and I failed in doing that, I failed to do something so simple as to give her a little comfort, by giving her a little time.

This Way.

The weather here has been beautiful these last few days. Dave and I have been trying to get some last minute hiking in to see the final farewell of colour before the grey days of November come. Once again I want to take you with us and see where the paths lead.
Many of the paths in a nearby park are walk ways so that everyone can get out and enjoy nature. This is a real nature park, not a city park.


This time the paths opened up new breath taking views that I was not aware of, even living so close.


Views like this one, I grew up in hilly country but I was not aware of this look out. I was amazed. A lot of my photos did not turn out because of the clouds playing tricks with the lighting.

Sun and clouds battle it out for control of the sky, you can see the shadows and sunlight chasing each other across the valley below.

Some guy sitting on the stone wall of the look out. Okay its me again, there everyone happy now? There was a reason why I made the last shots so far away. Looking over the valley I can see why my Irish ancestors settled here.

Some cute guy sitting with a sexy pose on a rock, yup its Dave. With my honey-bun however I don't even let him read this blog so it would not be fair to put a clear pic of him on here.

This tree was interesting it started out as a sapling growing in the crack of the rocks.

Totally surrounded by rock it sent out roots across the rock above and below until it hit earth, now it is anchored to the stone but the roots do not enter the ground for about five feet (1.5 meters) from the tree. Made me think of tree tentacles as if it would grab a person walking by.

Cool water, I love the smell that comes off of a clean lake. Since this is park land there are no cottages to spoil the view. It makes me think of jumping in however the day was not that warm. There is an interesting fact about this lake. When the sea receded after the last ice age this lake stayed salty for thousands of years, giving the salt water fish time to adapt to fresh water. Thus they say there is a type of fish that is a salt water fish everywhere else in the world, but here it exists as a fresh water fish.

A hidden cave in the forest floor, don't fall in! There is a fence around it and I think just as well, you would almost stumble into it before you saw it. It drops down suddenly and quite far. They say two brothers used to mine down there for minerals back in the day.

There were many other interesting things we saw that day, these were just a few. We were being called back as the day was ending and we had plans later. Another walk way only this one would guide us home.

A final view before we left, we could look out towards the city where I had to return, one last shot and I thought it was fitting as the conflict within us of loving nature but having to return to the city, was being played out on the valley floor below as the city is trying to spread out into the country.

Everyone have a good weekend and try to get out before the colours are all gone. In fact I see a lot of blog writers doing the same type of post, maybe that could become a meme theme, if you want to take part get out, snaps some photos and post them. Just my way of encouraging you to get out. :)

Boring Love

Warning! The following post will be dull, boring and even mushy but it is a fact of my life. I figured I better give this warning because I do get emails saying things like "Dear Steve, you seem like a nice person but all you ever talk about is your relationship with Dave or about being gay" and " Dear Steve, I like your blog but they are getting too mushy and I am bored with them." Actually this does not offend me as they probably think they are helping me out, and honestly I know it is partly true. The thing is... this is a blog about a gay guy coming out and entering into my first real relationship, so naturally the things that are on my mind about all this will make it into my blog. I did not intend to write about my whole life here. Also most say people write blogs for attention, not in my case, it was a place to get my thoughts out. I often turn down suggestions to draw attention to my blog. Honestly I like the small group of people who I have met through this blog and connected with, plus I respect the people who read regularly but for their own reasons choose to stay silent. I do not have an interest in trying to spice it up more to be read more as that would not really be me, also I don't want to lose that connection with the people who comment and email, I would miss you guys/gals.

Now the mushy parts. Dave and I have actually been doing pretty well, he is really trying to give me the things I need in this relationship and it is working out well. I know we are in love but now it is going to that next level where for lack of a better word, we are really bonding to each other. I feel happy and good about our relationship, I don't worry anymore that it will not work out, it seems we have opened a door to being able to say anything on our minds and we only appreciate the other more for their honesty. We can't stand being away from each other and right now, there is nothing I love better than on a cold night, being snuggled up close to my warm guy... even if he does snore a bit, a big bit, a lot. I was teasing him the other day, I said this must be love because we speak 'baby talk' to each other now. You know, like when he is really tired and wants me to come to bed with him he says "me tired, need go sleepy, you come wiff me peas! I'm just as bad, I'll say "its cold, snuggle up wiff me under the bankies" umm yeah, I'm serious, we actually say that to each other! We always cuddle up together, whether eating, watching TV, sitting outside in the sun, everywhere. I still get little jolts when he takes my hand, I like to just touch him, smell him and we still just kiss on the couch for fun. I don't see myself anywhere else right now except with this man.

We are so ordinary, I think straight people who don't know gay people would be shocked with how day to day ordinary we are. I think that is a message I would like to give younger gay people or older gay people coming out who feel they don't fit into the 'gay lifestyle' the message that there is not one way to live gay. They can be anything from a drag queen, to a couple that comes home from the office, cooks supper and goes out riding on dirt bikes after. The life you want is the life that you can take for yourself and live, there are plenty of gay men of every interest to live it with you.

The 'It' Couple

A funny thing happened on the way to being a gay couple, we have become the 'it' couple or 'in' couple or what ever you call the people that everyone seems to want to have over for dinner. I started to notice this the last few weeks. I wonder if it is because we are gay and it is the 'in' thing to do in having a gay couple over, well at least I hope not. I am not sure if it is because we don't bring kids in tow with us or maybe more like we are both very easy going and put the hosts at ease. We both have a good sense of humour and like to play around with our friends. We are also open to trying new foods etc so that is probably another reason. It feels nice to be wanted, welcomed and well fed, sometimes it seems like our weekends are booked up and I feel guilty when trying to avoid a dinner. I guess too it is probably because we are a couple now and anyone who has been single for a long time knows how single people can be left out of gatherings, couples just seem to do more things together. I wonder if we have become the 'cool people', the ones to have over. I really don't mind if it turns out that we are a bit of a novelty for some people to have over, it will give people a chance to get to know us better and see we are just a very abnormally normal couple. I know with Dave's family, it is to get to know me better and I appreciate that, they have been very welcoming. Most likely it is because we are both so adorable... did I mention modest too?

Stash

In the 'old days' like when my grandparents were young, many of the old farmers and lumber men in the area where I grew up, had drinking problems. Being of Irish or Scottish background, it was often a common thing. No one ever spoke the word 'alcoholic' more like they would say 'spree' or 'binge'. This way no one had to admit that there was a problem. People covered for their family members drinking and thought no one knew, when actually everyone knew.

There would come a time when a wife or mother would reach her breaking point, she would haul the man down to the local priest or minster and have him swear a pledge never to drink again. The man not actually being able to stop would create a 'stash'. My father and his friends would often tell us younger lads about the old folks stash. They spoke of finding bottles of whisky or beer hidden in stable mangers, hay stacks, water troughs, wood piles, under stumps or almost any place where the women would not find them. To this day, sometimes along fence lines when an dead tree falls over, there will be a small bottle tangled in the roots.

I was lucky in that my parents viewed drinking as a waste of money and they also saw it as a character weakness or flaw, so I was able to avoid any hardships brought on by parents drinking as some of my friends went through. My Dad does have a 'stash' however and it is one of his quirks that I find so funny. The problem is my father is suppose to watch what he eats, however he always had a major sweet tooth, the sweeter-fattier-gooey-sugarier something is, the better he likes it. He will put jam or syrup on cake and cookies if you don't watch him. My Mom takes care of him and makes him low fat meals watching what he eats. He however hides goodies from my mom because, trust me if she finds out he is going to remember the lecture! The worse place of all is his old pickup, it is a virtual crack-house of goodies. From chocolate bars in the glove compartment to cookies, little cakes, pop, chips under or behind the seat, you will find almost anything to satisfy a junk food craving. The truck is the safest spot at the moment as his dog also realized what he is up to and will swipe cookies if she can find them.

I used to turn him in, that is right, I ratted him out! I did not want to lose him as he had health problems. I used to tell him "Dad you can hide that stuff from Mom, but you can't hide it from your heart". Now years later however I see it different, he is in his 70's and worked hard all his life, he will not be with us forever so why not let him enjoy a secret cookie. It may sound strange to say but I would rather he passed on happy doing what he likes at a younger age than for him to be in his 90's locked up in a home. It also does not hurt to know where I can get a candy bar when I want to cheat on my diet as well!

One Pack

Easy steps to perfect abs, this story grabbed my attention because as a gay man, I would like to be a little hotter... well maybe not hotter since I am not even 'hot' right now but I would at least like to try for 'warm'! The story went on to list a bunch of easy steps I can do to help me change my one pack into a six pack. First it said to drink water as soon as I get up, apparently it helps to start your metabolism for the day and switch it into fat burning mode. However it said drink 16oz, that is two glasses of water, I feel water logged already thinking about it. It then went on to say eat a big breakfast within an hour of getting up. I am sure many of you are like me in that our system just does not work when we get up, eating as soon as I get up makes me feel sick and my mouth stays dry until a couple of hours after, so everything is like eating paper towels. The story said that the more you eat in the morning will act in reverse to the fat around your waist, the idea is that the big meal first off in the day will start your body and release hormones that burn fat, where if you eat late in the day, it just stores the fat. Unfortunately chocolate, candy or cookies were not on the list of foods to have for breakfast, nor were huge amounts of bacon, waffles or sugar coated sugar flakes with extra sugar added for flavour... darn! They recommend oatmeal, other whole grains and maybe a glass of water or milk, keep in mind that I am suppose to have already drank two glasses of water. They stressed that water helps remove the fat that hides your six pack, they said to drink one gallon or almost four liters per day, I think I would be floating by then. I could see this being okay for big guys, if you are 6'4 and a solid 220 then it would be no big deal but for po'wittle me I would probably have to pee every ten minutes.

It is strange when we think that our parents always used to say that breakfast was the most important meal of the day, I mean who knew they were actually right! I always thought it was one of their tricks to get me to eat. A Russian friend of mine told me about a saying they used to have where she came from, it went something like "keep your breakfast for yourself, share your lunch with your friend, give your supper to your enemy.

The story of course said to exercises but that the most important thing to show off those abs was to burn off the fat hiding them, then you can work on defining them. It said to pack your lunch, this way you control what you eat, I feel that is true because when ever I try to buy a lunch, the choices are just not that healthy, even when they say low fat or healthy choice. It said to have a rule to only eat what you bring with no cheating. Pack a good lunch using all the foods you know you are suppose to eat but don't at the moment. You know, the foods that you see when you open the fridge door (like apples) and then close it again and say to yourself "there is nothing to eat in this house." It also said to eat small amounts often throughout the day. I used to do that and I used to eat so healthy, just the last couple of years I fell into a life style of convenient food and usually what ever is easy and fast it not good for us. I am watching what I eat (most days but dang it is hard) and getting out more to at least walk for an hour every day, but I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for a six pack picture going up on here, maybe a two pack! Okay have to go people, I need to pee badly.

No cookies were harmed in the making of this blog... okay two were but they deserved it!

Who We Love

Last Saturday a friend of Dave's, invited us over for supper. I really like Mike, he is a decent guy, Dave and I were thrilled to hear that the relationship he started two months ago was going well for him. Mike is shy and a bit old fashioned so does not date much. We both were looking forward to meeting his new boyfriend John. Everything fit, John was a down to earth (cute) guy and they matched, you could tell just by the way they were together. John also just came out last year so we had a lot of notes to compare. The supper was excellent, conversation went well and after we moved to the living room to watch a DVD. Cuddled up with Dave, the usual for me, I looked over to see John cuddled into Mike, with Mike mindlessly rubbing John's shoulders and back in a very loving way. I thought to myself, this is where I want to be, in a setting with gay friends, enjoying the evening and being with my boyfriend. I had that feeling of belonging, of being part of something, it was so satisfying.

Most of my friends are straight, they are very open and accepting towards me, however sometimes I just need to be around other gay people who understand where I am coming from 100%. My sexuality will not choose my friends for me but I feel a 'need' to also have some gay friends. It is just a matter of me knowing they 'get' the whole gay relationship issue. Dave and I find it hard to meet other couples that we can share time with, just an evening out, at a concert, dinner or even hiking. Most gay people we run into are either single or do not have the same interests, we are also cautious of the couples that want a bit of "extra" with becoming their friend.

We had a good discussion about what it means for each of us to be gay, our journey out, on meeting other gay people and overall acceptance. Talking about how hard things were for gay people when we were kids, about countries who to this day, kill or torture people just because they are gay, Mike wondered out loud a thought I often have, what does it matter who we love? Why such a big deal? We laughed, all four of us at the thought that any of us were a wild leather and chains sex addict like some would have the world believe we all are. Mike said "John and I go about our day doing everything that other couples do, the only difference being we both have the same parts"! That is true for Dave and myself, we make lunch, clean house, watch TV and joke around, nothing too out of the ordinary there!

Mike and John have a big age difference, almost twenty years and some people may have a problem with that. Again I say, what does it matter who we love. They fit, they both have tried to date others in the past never finding that connection. If they click and complete each other, why would it concern anyone else, it is not their business. I think people should just be happy and whoever works in a relationship with you, makes me happy for you. Sometimes I get asked, "would you date a person of this race, colour, age, religion?" I always think that question is silly, finding a good loving relationship with my soul mate, is not like buying a fall jacket. I can't imagine saying "oh he is perfect for me, smart, funny, cute, thoughtful, now if I could only get him in a different colour." I feel when you click with someone it should not matter, I used to think before I met Dave, "whoever I date, I hope he is a good person and is my best friend as well as boyfriend," I did not think in terms of "he has to be this tall, this shade, this eye colour". I would say however religion might be one factor that would stop me from dating someone, if they insisted that I had to join their religion when I did not believe in it, would cause me to not go down that route.

Sometimes I wonder if that is not part of the problem with the world, so many people with opinions about who we love, maybe too many opinions, too many people are worried about what everyone is doing in their private life, so much so that they neglect their own life, maybe that is why they are so bitter when they see real love in a couple they don't consider to be part of the norm.