I always had a fear before coming out, that I would never have the chance to fall in love. I found that thought really sad, missing out on something which is (I think) a great part of humanity. I also used to wonder how will I know, how do you know when you are in love. Years ago when I peeked out of the closet and started dating Billy, I often wondered if I was in love with him and just did not know it. Now it is clear to me, although Billy was a great guy and good to me, I never loved him. We were two confused young gay guys that happened to meet and form a relationship, we cared about each other but not the way a couple in love does, at least not on my part.
Love does weird things to the brain, I often heard this in songs or poems but now I see examples between Dave and I all the time. Last night I was watching a scene on Six Feet Under where a gay couple were holding each other laughing at a movie. One man was very sick with a heart condition, near the end of the scene he passed away peacefully in his boyfriends arms and the look of loss on the other man's face just shot through me. Embarrassingly I cried... a lot, Dave hugged me and tried to console me but I had this vision in my head of being in their place, what if I was holding Dave and lost him like that, the joy in my life that I finally found after all this time, taken away from me. I am not sure if this is the beginning stages of a serious relationship, I assume it will change later, honestly I have no other life experience to compare it to, this is all new to me or maybe I'm just becoming runner up for wuss of the year..
Dave assure me he often feels the same way, we confessed little secrets to each other and had a good laugh about them. For instances, some times in the morning when Dave leaves for work, if I see him drive off, I feel a bit misty eyed or lonesome, just for a few seconds but it is there. Dave told me, he watches all the windows to see if I look out, he said that he always waves in case I'm looking out and he did not see me, it would bother him too much to think I was watching and not wave good bye. Whenever he leaves or ends a phone conversation, I always say "I love you" I have a fear that if something should happen to one of us, I want that to be the last thing I ever say to him. If we have been together for a couple of days, he has to leave first, if I leave first then the eyes get a little misty. I have never cared so much about another person other than my family before, I have never felt so good at just seeing a person smile at me, and now...I know.