Friday, June 19, 2020
Just in time, dawn arrives and it's going to be a new day.
Regroup, restart, rewind, I have to take control of my emotions again, I have been torturing myself since Wednesday night and that's completely pointless. I thought Wednesday was going to be a good closure day, I felt good about letting go of everything and moving on. My plans were to write a goodbye post on Thursday to my last relationship, delete our pictures and move on, like people do. I certainly wasn't prepared for the wound of breaking up to be ripped open again the way it was. I feel a calmness this morning, a feeling of "there's nothing I can do about what happened, just let it go".
I had told a blog friend last week, that my sadness was no longer about Mr X, it was about the idea of being part of a couple, you could insert any nice guy into that picture and I would be happy again. I was thinking that as a couple, I no longer have to go alone to places, that I will finally have someone again to be with at Christmas and other holidays. All that comfort is lost now, plus with covid, how can I meet anyone, go anywhere?
I think back to my happy moments, he seemed like such a good guy, I sometimes can't believe it's the same man that has hurt me so much. I was hurt in my last relationship so I was cautious with this one, I often asked if he felt good about our relationship, he would say yes absolutely so I would venture forward. Some people have said it would have been better not to find out but honestly I wish I knew the truth sooner, at least I wouldn't have spent the first few days wondering if he was going to call and try to work things out. He was on the phone alright but with boyfriend number two.
I know, I know, I know what I need to do, it's the exact same thing I would tell anyone of you guys to do if you were hurting like me. I really appreciate the supportive words, you gave me what I needed so thank you all. I'm not depressed about it but I am very sad, don't worry, actually I'm more angry and disgusted now by the whole adventure, it definitely did not turn out like I thought. All the good moments we had have become tainted and that's unfortunate. Although I also didn't think society would end either.
Yesterday I couldn't think clearly but today is different, I have a lot of other serious things I need to take care of. This guy has just wasted a lot of my time. Love and relationships are funny, your life is empty without them but it can be overwhelming when the emotions go the wrong way. Nothing good will happen if I just sit here, I need to change things up again and again and again until I am in a place where I no longer need that change.
Posted by Sooo-this-is-me at 5:30 AM
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But Steven, bae.
Your life is not empty without a relationship. Your life is just different when you are in one. Having a relationship is fun and the company is great (we are social animals after all) but your life is still... your life.
It's just that with the pandemic some things will have to wait. You'll be ok.
Sixpence, I have spent my life alone, I have no one, my family is gone my friends have their own lives. I want someone there with me, I need my own tribe. There is a world of difference between going to a friend's place for a few hours every other week to actually sharing a life with someone; however I would never settle for someone, there has to be a spark between us.
You’re right. Being in a relationship is different. You have someone to fall back on, to share the good times and the not so good ones.
We crave that companionship. And your guy will appear. Unfortunately I broke my crystal ball last week. Waiting for Amazon to deliver another. They’re on back order.
Good for you, Steven! Keeping working towards your dream!
Get back into your routine. Take time to fully heal. There's a guy out there for you.
What Six said ^^^^^^
I know, bae, I know.
But he was not the last man in Canada. You’ve just started socializing more when COVID hit, so that was kind of an anti-climax. What I think is, with this experience under your belt, you’re going to be better equipped to deal with assholes. Because gay men are men and men can be assholes.
Let’s wait until this pandemic tides over and we’ll talk. I told you that if everything fails, I’ll walk you down Boystown in Chicago myself until we find you a good man. Hold on just a little bit longer.
not to be nasty or mean...but if you think your life is empty without a relationship that's not a good outlook. i know to many dependant of being partnered,i don't get it. i must be missing something.
I go places and do things with friends, and also by myself. I'm happy. I don't really want someone else. He would ruin things completely.
HuntleyBiGuy, yes exactly you get me. Ever think about moving to Canada? ;)
Thanks Debra... first I'm going to be a little sad again. :(
Richard, yes I need to keep busy or I'm going to go crazy over this.
Bob, that's cheating!
Sixpence, I wuv you. :)
Thanks I could use some hugs.
Anitia, and that's why you and Maddie fit well.
You misunderstood me, it not about having another person completing me, it's about companionship, it's about having another person just being there with me, it's about being loved by the person I love.
Dave that's because you are fast becoming a grumpy old man.
Just read the last couple of posts. The guy sounds like a creep and needs to have someone there to make him feel human. I’ve never felt that way and found that I’m my own best company. Mr. X will continue to jump from one guy to another and eventually the looks will fade and he will simply be alone with past relationships in his wake. You’ll find the right one eventually when you least expect it. I’ve been with my husband for 24 years. Not planned, not looking, it just happened. Take your time. Enjoy life.
Thank you anonymous, I really hope so. I think you are right, Mr X had a lot of long term relationships, some seemed like really nice guys, he just lost interest in them. I suspect he likes that first feeling of a new relationship and gets bored fast.
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