Friday, June 19, 2020
Just in time, dawn arrives and it's going to be a new day.
Regroup, restart, rewind, I have to take control of my emotions again, I have been torturing myself since Wednesday night and that's completely pointless. I thought Wednesday was going to be a good closure day, I felt good about letting go of everything and moving on. My plans were to write a goodbye post on Thursday to my last relationship, delete our pictures and move on, like people do. I certainly wasn't prepared for the wound of breaking up to be ripped open again the way it was. I feel a calmness this morning, a feeling of "there's nothing I can do about what happened, just let it go".
I had told a blog friend last week, that my sadness was no longer about Mr X, it was about the idea of being part of a couple, you could insert any nice guy into that picture and I would be happy again. I was thinking that as a couple, I no longer have to go alone to places, that I will finally have someone again to be with at Christmas and other holidays. All that comfort is lost now, plus with covid, how can I meet anyone, go anywhere?
I think back to my happy moments, he seemed like such a good guy, I sometimes can't believe it's the same man that has hurt me so much. I was hurt in my last relationship so I was cautious with this one, I often asked if he felt good about our relationship, he would say yes absolutely so I would venture forward. Some people have said it would have been better not to find out but honestly I wish I knew the truth sooner, at least I wouldn't have spent the first few days wondering if he was going to call and try to work things out. He was on the phone alright but with boyfriend number two.
I know, I know, I know what I need to do, it's the exact same thing I would tell anyone of you guys to do if you were hurting like me. I really appreciate the supportive words, you gave me what I needed so thank you all. I'm not depressed about it but I am very sad, don't worry, actually I'm more angry and disgusted now by the whole adventure, it definitely did not turn out like I thought. All the good moments we had have become tainted and that's unfortunate. Although I also didn't think society would end either.
Yesterday I couldn't think clearly but today is different, I have a lot of other serious things I need to take care of. This guy has just wasted a lot of my time. Love and relationships are funny, your life is empty without them but it can be overwhelming when the emotions go the wrong way. Nothing good will happen if I just sit here, I need to change things up again and again and again until I am in a place where I no longer need that change.