Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Happy Dumpiversary ?


 I thought that I probably should mark my one week anniversary of being dumped single. Well crap... here I am again, alone. I don't want you guys to worry, there is enough going on in this world right now.

 Well time keeps marching on. It's been a week since I received my little text surprise. I was stunned, it's like that moment back when you're a child and your ice cream hits the floor.

 There is a moment of disbelief and you can't help seeing all the great times you had together start flashing through your mind. Like feeling alive again, feeling that you are connecting with someone on a totally different level.
 The true meaning of being gay, not rainbows but a journey towards being part of a same sex couple.

 That special intimate feeling, the banishing of loneliness, of belonging to something that is bigger than just you.
 Plus that real intimacy between a couple, something that a hook up can never come close to.

 Then suddenly your dream is over, sometimes it's a long time coming but sometimes it is an abrupt end and you're numb inside at first, turned to stone.


 I was walking around in a fog the first day but eventually I started to realize what it meant. No more hugs, no more kissing, no more snuggling, cuddling, talking, joking, laughing or even seeing each other. No more "us" just me, and the full meaning sinks in.


He is no longer a part of my life.

  I didn't tell anyone at first, I was embarrassed that I lost my partner. Like messing up and losing a dream job. I couldn't blog, I just wanted to be alone.

 Breaking up has that really awkward moment, the one where you really need the support of your partner... but it's that person you're no longer able to ask for help.

 Sometimes I feel angry with myself, that I let him off the hook too easy, that in trying to do the right thing, I gave him the smooth exit he wanted and I'm doing all the heavy lifting. Many times I want to be able to just yell at him, "look what you did to me"!

 Then at other times I think being mature is the right thing to do. It's the best way to pretend that he really wasn't that big of a deal to me, sometimes I'm tired of always doing the right thing. I could even wish him good luck with his next relationship, maybe even with his buddy that tried to cut in on me.
 Hey, I said that I usually am mature about these things, I didn't say I'm always mature about these things.

 This will take a little while but I'll survive, most people do. Surprisingly I'm not bitter or angry about this, nor do I feel like I should just give up. I feel like I have gained more experience and I want to get back out there and try this again and again until hopefully one day it works out for me. I know people say there is an ocean out there, it is a little daunting to start at zero again... especially now. I feel very alone and I don't want to.
 Sooo this is me...again.

30 comments:

Jimmy said...

Think of ALL the people who are feeling the same thing. Millions! Mr right is out there.

HuntleyBiGuy said...

It’s a big world out there. Finding someone is tough. But you’ve grown and you’re better for it. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt. It sucks, man! But eventually we pick ourselves up and try again. And again. That someone is looking for you, too.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Being mature and taking the high road is always the right thing to do. You'll be older and wiser the next time around!

Anonymous said...

What a foolish man he was to let go a dear person like you are. Keep looking, you only have to get lucky once! I am happy at the tone of your message.

John Going Gently said...

Standing on your own is hard sometimes
But you do it
And you will continue to do it with a smile
Bob hwyl ( good luck in Welsh ) xx

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

I told you it was his loss. I truly believe it.
And I don't think that moping a little about a relationship we wanted to have (and thought we had) is childish or immature. It's fucking human nature.
So vent, mop a little and feel free to eat some chocolate.
You wanted to be in love and this looked like it. 'Looked like' are the operative words.

XOXO

Travel said...

Hurt and healing take time, often painful time. Feel what you feel, vent, express yourself.

Michael said...

Steven,
I have dropped out of the "blogging sphere" for a month now, and I am just catching up with everything. I am sorry for what happened. I know you are upset, as I would be. It "ain't" easy. Take care, Michael

Bathwater said...

Jimmy is right there are millions of us going through the same thing. I am not gay but that doesn't make it any easier. I miss all those things that my hook-ups just don't provide. In fact hook-ups just tend to magnify what is missing. You will get through the worst, give it time.

anne marie in philly said...

you are strong, you are invincible, you are a PROUD gay man!

DoubleUpFarm said...

Sometimes it just sucks to be the grown-up, to take the higher road, to suck it up and move on. And we do it anyway. Good call on the chocolate!!!

Dave R said...

I always tell people, Dogs are better. Dogs are better! They don't know how to text!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, yes well I'm getting really tired of him hiding on me! All men are jerks except you!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

HuntleyBiGuy, well tell him to look harder! All men are jerks except you!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, I seem to manage the older part, not so much the wiser part. All men are jerks (too much headache) lucky you!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anonymous, yes I completely agree with you, he is foolish, very very foolish and I'm a dear!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

John, same to you, I don't want to imagine what you experienced. All men are jerks except you.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, I am being sappy but it's getting better every day. Thank you for always saying the right thing. All men are jerks except you.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Travel Penguin, yes just like a real injury, it needs time. All men are jerks except you!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Michael, that's okay, I was joking with "you know who" that you have a real life now. Still I miss you when you are not around. I'm upset but moving on. All men are jerks except you!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bathwater, I couldn't agree more, hook ups magnify what is missing. You as a straight man have the added bonus of having a much larger dating pool to dip into, there is definitely someone waiting for you. All men are jerks except you!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anne Marie, thank you my Warrior Queen! All men are jerks except the one you married!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Doubleupfarm, hello and welcome. Yes we suck it up and do what is right. Did someone say chocolate? :D

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave, I love dogs don't get me wrong but I never had to pick up boyfriend poop, so...

All men are jerks except you!

Deedles said...

Massive grandma hugs, dearest Stevie. It's been a while.

Kirk said...

Gay people have fought hard for the right just to have the kind of relationships that straights so take for granted, and thus I think it can hurt even more than it does for a straight when one doesn't work out.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles! Where the he..llo sweetie pie, nice to see you! Oh boy.. I can really use those hugs right now! :)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Kirk, I respectfully disagree with you.

Ur-spo said...

I was ready to try to write something anything to help but none seemed useful
I am sorry
I am glad to see folks here and you are surrounded by Love

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dr Spo, you being here is enough, I really mean that.