Saturday, June 27, 2020

Encroaching Darkness.

 Why did I do that? I posted something cheerful today, I'm not cheerful that's a lie, I'm in a dark place. I did it so that people wouldn't become bored with me. I'm struggling here, I'm not sure what is wrong. Well yes I do, I'm trying to keep depression at bay, it's happened before only this time I think I'm losing. Sure covid didn't help and my break up didn't help but this was coming on long before the virus, long before Mr X.

 Starting in the winter I would suddenly feel very alone, almost panicked about it. It would make me feel dizzy and like the weight of the world was crushing me. I've been having these episodes since I placed mom in a nursing home four years ago, I think it's because she was my last anchor. It's part of the reason I was trying to socialize more. I hadn't been working much lately, contracts had dried up. I need that interaction with people. Sometimes to keep the loneliness away, I would drive to a coffee shop half an hour from the farm. I would sit there with my phone reading blogs and eating, just so that I have people around me.

 Getting into more and more clubs, meeting more and more people, meeting Mr X... it was really helping me stay out of the darkness. I was really happy, I felt I had a lot to look forward to, I felt selling the farm was a move forward for me and not an ending. Then covid hit... I wasn't allowed to see mom, my work place shut down, my social groups shut down, the restaurants shut down, the roads shut down, everyone went into hiding. All I had left was Mr X and then he left me. I was at my breaking point, I was really struggling to keep the darkness out. Discovering Mr X had replaced me... broke something inside.

 I try to keep busy, to keep my mind off things but my brain has all these sad thoughts or unfinished moments and like PTSD, they flash in my mind and trigger me. Also I get these waves of absolute sadness, they make me sob and sob uncontrollably. If I can't get this under control, I'm going to have to see a doctor.


Deedles said...

Steven, honey, I think seeing a nonquack doctor may be a good idea. Mental and emotional health is just as important as the physical. Sometimes depression can be caused by an imbalance of chemicals. Professional help can be the first step to figuring out what to do about it. I would like to send you hugs, but they feel ineffectual now. Hell, I'll send them anyway!

Old Lurker said...

Listen to Deedles. It is time to see a doctor.

It is also time to make a list of 3-5 people whom you can call when you need to talk, day or night. Your sister might be one. Your neighbors might be others. Some of your blogger buddies here might volunteer their services. When you feel that darkness overwhelming you then you call those people, and if you get the voicemail of one person you call the next. (Don't give me that nonsense, young man. There are easily five people in your life who care for you and would enthusiastically offer this service. There are probably fifteen.) You don't have to tell them that you are depressed. You can just say that you are lonely and are going through a breakup and would like somebody to talk to. Or you can just say that the coronavirus lockdown is getting to you. Many people are feeling isolated during this crisis, and by calling them you will be helping THEM out.

It is also time to get that list of crisis lines written out someplace where you can access it easily. Here is that list again: Ottawa has a distress line at 613-238-3311, and there is a Quebec-wide line at 1-866-277-3553. There is a list of support lines here: .

It is also time to keep being busy, but also to make sure you are getting the right amount of sleep (not too much, not too little), that you are eating relatively well, and that you are getting physical exercise every single day. Sitting around feeling bad and surfing the Internet all night is NOT what you need right now.

It is also time to remember that (a) you are worthy and (b) many people love and care for you. You are going through a tough time now and your brain is telling you otherwise, but you do not have to go through this darkness alone.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Counselling can work absolute wonders in this situation, Steven, I know it from my own personal experience! Going on crying jags is your mind and body telling you that you need to talk to someone about this who truly knows how to help -- i.e. a counsellor. Please reach out to the numbers Lurkie provided in his comment and get a referral to a good counsellor in your area. We all need help from time to time. It's no shame to ask for professional guidance to resolve difficulties. It's the right thing to do for yourself!

Christina said...

Please get help, Steven. I know what I'm talking about. If you'd broken your arm, you'd go immediately. This is very important. Get help.

Anonymous said...

Everybody needs a bit of help now and then. I agree with the others, reach out. For myself, I’ve needed help and have given it. Giving help I find is a great gift, so please gift someone.

krayolakris said...

Adding my agreement with what the others have written. You could have been describing me a few months ago. So please follow their advice. It will work. And people do care about you!

Peter said...

As someone who suffered from depression I know how bad it can be but I also know you can get help, please reach out. There is light at the end and depression does not have to last forever, even though you think so now.

HuntleyBiGuy said...

Steven, it’s been said above: reach out, there is no shame in getting the help you need. You can’t go it alone. Take advantage of the healthcare you have available to you in Canada that we don’t have down here in the states.

RJ said...

I'm here for you. I've been in dark places too. There were times when I thought I should just put a gun to my head. But it got better. And it will get better for you too.

Ron said...

Steven, I am a lurker that has been following you and some of your blogger friends for some time now. I like the advice that Old Lurker just gave you as well as the other commenters today. Don't wait because your dark time may not go away by itself. Take up some of the offers your blogger friends have made. They care for you as do I. You are a wonderful person and I know you would be a wonderful friend.

1st Man said...

I wish we lived closer, I'd come over in a heartbeat and do whatever you needed, bring food, sit on the lawn and chat, put on a hazmat suit and give you a long hug. I can't add to what everyone above has already said. Get help, it's no different than if you broke an arm or started coughing uncontrollably. You'd go to the doctor. At the least you'd call a doctor. I know we aren't personal friends, but sometimes, just like talking to a stranger on the phone, chatting with someone someone you don't know is a help too. You can come to my blog and see my email on the sidebar and email me anytime, ok? You are loved. Know that.

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