Sunday, June 7, 2020
I received a text...
During the day Mr X and I often text back and forth to each other, usually silly banter as a way to stay connected. Sometimes during the day he calls me and every night around nine he would call me, we would talk for an hour to say goodnight. Covid had separated us for almost two months but he kept reassuring me not to worry, that he would be waiting for me.
Wednesday morning, we were texting back and forth, being silly as usual. My phone beeped, it was him, smiling already from what he was probably about to say... I nearly dropped the phone when I read the first sentence. He said that he just doesn't feel the boyfriend vibe from me and wasn't interested in going any further. He said sorry for not saying something sooner but better to let me know now than later.
I had to go outside, it was like I was smothering. One of the only good things going for me at the moment... completely gone in a text. All the visions I had for us getting back into dating, getting to really know each other wiped clean. The separation between us was really hard, I was afraid that time would kill our new relationship... and now the very thing I was afraid of came true.
I did think that something was off, just as the restrictions were lifted, he went to stay in his summer place near his family. That shocked me, clearly he no longer felt as I did. However I would ask him about it during our phone calls and he would constantly reassure me that we were okay, that he was really stressed over being locked up due to covid and just needed time with his family. He would still call every evening and we were exchanging pictures all the time. I started to believe him, he seemed to be himself on the phone, I thought I was being paranoid.
I really miss that evening call, I looked forward to it. I miss the constant texting as well. Wednesday I guess I was in disbelief because it was Thursday that it really hit me, I'm alone again and especially now with covid ruining everything, I really felt alone. To be honest it feels like he died, that some time during our separation he contracted covid and died.
I have a lot to say about this as I'm working through the breakup, so you will just have to put up with my "crazy" for a few days and then that will be it.
This one really hurts because the truth is... I really liked this guy.