Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Steve the.. drag Queen?

 I have mentioned that my dreams are often elaborate and extremely bizarre. Monday night I had one such dream, probably due to not sleeping properly the night before. As strange as it was, I felt that I learned something from it.

 I dreamt that I was in a large building, partying it up with a lot of people. It was something like a casino, there were games, music, eating and dancing. I was enjoying a dinner with friends.. even though I have never met these people before. We were seated at long banquet tables and everyone was well dress for the evening. A hostess came up to my group and said, "this is drag night, who wants to try dressing up like a drag queen"? I didn't want to but some of the guys I was with said, "oh come on, this will be a blast"! We got up and the woman lead us to a dressing room, like what you see backstage at a theater. I tried on a wig, we were all giggling like crazy. Looking in the mirror, the wig transformed my appearance, looking very much like a woman. One of my friends said, "oow, wow, here's some lipstick, try some make-up, you look like the real deal"! I said, "Maddie is going to be so proud of me.. or really pissed"! The woman said, "oh you know Mistress Maddie, she is supposed to be on tonight"!

 Once we got changed, we were all laughing at ourselves. The hostess asked us if we were ready to go back to our seats and give the rest of our friends a treat, maybe even get up on stage. I said, "we've come this far, we might as well". Laughing we got up and the other guys went down the hall ahead of me. They went through the door into the banquet hall and I was trying to keep up. I went through the door and as it slammed shut, I stood confused, I was looking at the night sky.. black dark with twinkling stars and it was completely quiet. I had ended up outside somewhere. I looked around and realized I was back at the country fair I had been to on Saturday... now I was with all straight guys, some of who had been drinking and I was dressed as a drag queen.

 Stunned I wasn't sure what to do. There were some people there and they stared at me a little startled to see a drag queen appear. I tried to return, I couldn't get in the door, it was a back door and I was too embarrassed to walk around. I knew the people couldn't recognise me, at least not yet but they were giving me a look of disgust. Suddenly the door opened and a man stumbled out, I grabbed the door and went in, I was hoping that I would be sent back to the banquet hall; however I wasn't, I was still in the main building at the fair grounds. One man rolled his eyes and shook his head at his friends, other people snickered at me. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. I saw some of the other guys, also still dressed in drag. I asked what had happened, they said they didn't understand but that we better get to the washroom and clean up. We passed a group of young guys, they gave us a look of hate, one guy turned to his friends and said half under his breath, "ugh, fucken fags". I felt threatened.

 We went into the washroom and were hurriedly trying to rub off the make up. I pulled off the wig and began to look like myself again, sometimes myself and sometimes a much older version of myself. The other guys pulled off their wigs, we were trying to figure out how to get back to where we came from.

 I was feeling really scared, really threatened, unsafe, I felt vulnerable. A thought suddenly occurred to me and I said to the guy sitting next to me, "I guess this is what it feels like for transgender people a lot of the time, even feminine guys or drag queens out on the street". Then the dream ended but those feelings still haunt me, I think I learned something, it wasn't real but it felt real enough.


Mistress Maddie said...

Oh cutie pie, now your ready for the big time, wait till you see the wig collection!!!!!!!!!

When out in drag, I never felt threatened, but I feel drag queens are more easily accepted because most know there is a guy underneath. Years ago, one new years eve, we went downtown in Harrisbirg for the festivities. Before going to the clubs we went to watch the bye going onstage downtown. I was in full drag, sky high hair filled with doves, a floor length heavy white lace and beaded gown that fit like butter. Friends of mine rented a limo to take us out in. When we got out I was a bit nervous. But the people were armoured with me. I was so relieved. A huge pack of frat boys was there and even wanted there group picture with me. I was tickled. This was around the time as Too Wong I think people were thinking then drag was fun and cool.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

However Maddie, what if your car took a wrong turn and you broke down in an area that maybe wasn't so open minded. I think trans people are always a potential target, I was reading they have a high rate of being murdered. I can imagine the person at my work, she is small but you can still she was born with a man's body. I'm sure she would be very uncomfortable if suddenly dumped in a bad situation. I think also, a lot of drag queens seem tough, like they can take care of themselves. Anyway I have the privilege of being able to blend in as a straight man, this let me see what it's like without that privilege.
I looked great, I even picked a stage name... Margo Rita, well it seemed funny in my dream.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Dreams that linger are really something, huh? And you’re lucky! I know I have dreams but can seldom remember them. I even tried to keep a dream diary for awhile.
It’s a very scary feeling the knowing that a big group of people does not like us and that we cannot hide, I’m with you, I think trans people live in that constant fear of being found out and what’s sadder, their lives many times depend on it.
There is indeed a big privilege on being a cisgender man and looking like one. Many people do not realize that.


P.S. you usually read my mind! I actually posted about an awesome drag queen today!

Mistress Maddie said...

No your right Margo Rita, if dumped in a wrong place, I would hope to charm them....but since I have Lways been in a semi or very friendly area, I'm much like the deer of fire island...never been around natural predators or been threatened. York was probably the most scary for me to be in....very blue collar area. That could have went very wrong.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Maddie, in your younger days any drunk straight guy that met you would have said, "hey guys, I'm not shitting you but last night I think I met that chick from Absolutely Fabulous, I think she liked me"! ; )
I wonder if there is a Margo Rita out there? Can we say.. Halloween costume idea? Eh? Eh?

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, when I first learned about the term white privilege, in my head a little voice said, "you have straight man privilege". Most people assume that I'm straight. Even amongst gay people, some said they felt that I was gay but just as many were surprised that I am. Sometimes I feel like a sell out to the LGBTQ community because I will use my straight privilege when I feel that I need to.
Many of my dreams are actually torture, I know I woke up this morning really upset, like a weight on my chest. I don't recall what was wrong, I don't want to know but it will probably come to me later. Usually I remember upon waking up.

Old Lurker said...

Shouldn't you be at work now?

I agree that was a scary dream, and it is good that it gave you some insight on cis privilege. But as your unlicensed dream therapist I also see your anxieties around coming out as a gay man manifesting themselves. Are you sure there isn't some fear behind the "I've told my friends... okay, just my CLOSE friends" and "nobody needs to know at work" excuseplanations?

Also, Margo Rita is a pretty good drag name. It looks as if it has been used, but some people have interesting variations.

Richard said...

You're fortunate to remember your dreams. I very seldom remember my dreams.

Mistress Maddie said...

Listen Margo Rita, if your comparing me to Patsy Stone from Ab Fab. That's a healthy compliment!!!!!!!!! I luv you! Let's move the wedding up baby cakes!!!!!!!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Lurker, maybe I was at work and waiting on something.
I think you are grasping at straws regarding the coming out issues. Yes you are partly right but I have been raised that other people don't need to know anything about my business. I'm actually offended when non friends try to insert themselves into my life. My parents, aunts, uncles, even grand parents were the same. I only know the private lives of people I care about.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Richard, that's too bad, maybe they are erotic!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Maddie, yes Patsy Stone.. cracks me up! I'm putting in my drag race application right now. Lurker found a real Margo Rita but I looked better, and was! Lol

Old Lurker said...

Other people don't need to know about your business... but you have a blog??

Come to think of it I guess we don't know your business, except that it involves keeping your tool(s) neat and clean. I bet you work in some butch department like engineering, servicing broken telecommunications equipment and blowing new life into it.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Lurker, wanting to stay private while blogging about my life, does sound like an oxymoron but... no body I know in the real world knows about my blog, I would probably end the blog immediately if they did. Also, I control tightly what I allow you to know or not know, you would be surprised by all the things that happen to me that never make it into the blog. It actually was only started as a way to break free of my homophobic fears, I was a prisoner in my own head.

Old Lurker said...

Oh honey. You think you're not a prisoner in your own head now? I don't know that you even give yourself a day pass.

I can think of three people you know in the real world who know about your blog: Willym, Laurent and Dr. Spo. (Please don't shut down your blog now!)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Lurker, did you just say, "oh honey"... since when did you get all "gurl friend"? I'm aware of my gay short comings but if you only knew me before. I spent a couple of years secretly talking to bloggers before I even thought about blogging. W, L and Dr S are all fictional characters that exist in blog land, no just kidding but they are not part of my every day real world. They already know the "inside my head" Steven, other people don't. This gives me the freedom to say what I want. It should also be noted that after meeting me, W & L moved hundreds of miles away to another province with part of the ocean between us, I'm just saying. :D