Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Kicking the Bucket.
As I go happily skipping towards my death, I feel that I should be prepared for my big moment. There, how's that for trying to stay positive about dying. It's uncanny how sixpence's blog and my blog intersect regarding topics. Yesterday while sexy-six was posting about midlife crisis, my lawyer was putting the final touches on my will. Now don't panic, I haven't been given six weeks to live or something like that but I felt it necessary to protect my sister should something happen.
Sixpence talked about midlife crisis, I don't think I've had a "crisis" but I've had my awakenings. The first was when a close friend's brother died, he was 36 and I was 37. He got up one Sunday morning and went to shave, then he dropped dead. That shocked me and I suddenly realized that I never lived life. I never really dated, I didn't know what it was like to be in love, nobody knew the real Steven, my life was a half lived life.
A few years later, I was slightly down when I turned forty, I did have a feeling of time running out. However I soon grew to love being in my forties. There was a sense of being sure of myself, I was getting comfortable with my homosexuality, I met Dan, I felt healthy, I still felt young, life was good. Even after losing dad, I was ok with life in general age wise. I also think there is something biological there as well, people talk about guys in their forties being promiscuous. I call it my horny forties, I was a lot more active and randy in my forties than I ever was in my thirties. I remember feeling like my sex drive was in overdrive. I sometimes think there is a hidden hormone that triggers men to try and spread their genetics around one last time before it's too late.
Then came fff, fffii, fifty (say whaaat) I find now however I do have that feeling of time running out. I'm not being hysterical in a midlife crisis, I'm being realistic, my father's side of the family has strong killer cancer genes, most of his brothers and sisters started dropping like flies at 50, like his aunts and uncles did, it finally got him as well. I have to be aware of that. I remember when the Doctor told him he was going to die, he said, "I knew that I wouldn't live forever but I didn't think I would go this soon". As I wind my way towards his age, I understand those words more and more, poor dad, there was nothing I could say in that moment.
I find time has finally caught up to me, I got away with it for most of my life but now I'm falling apart. I have not been well back and forth since last fall to be honest, I just don't like to talk about it, maybe nothing, maybe something. I see the guys my age at work, getting cancer, having heart attacks and some of those are the healthy ones, I know it's still a lottery but the odds are starting to build against me and I can't shake that.
The last big moment for me was when I placed mom into a nursing home. That was another wake up call, more like a wake-up shouting and screaming. I was 49 (when did that happen) and suddenly felt alone and that I was at the end. When I turned 50 (wtf) I stopped blogging, some of you were sending me emails wondering if I was alright, I couldn't tell you how depressed I had become. I would blog about other things. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to be in my 50s... like I did something wrong, that's why I never really mentioned it until now. Well actually society views older people like second class citizens, the older you get, the less value you have. I don't want to be in this group but it's not a choice I get to make. The day of my birthday, I felt like I stepped through a door and it slammed shut behind me. That my youth was on the other side, something I can never return to. I felt.. instead of thinking about plans for the future, now I have to start think about winding down.
I had a bit of a rebound, at 50 not much seemed to have changed, I started to believe that crap about age being just a number (garbage that clueless young people say); however that didn't hold. I have no choice, I pulled out my mantra of "learn to accept, learn to accept". I understand now why a lot of older people seem grumpy. The lawyer said to me yesterday as we discussed things like me being terminally ill, suffering, dying, beyond hope of recovery etc, "I'm sorry to have to be so gloomy". I told him the truth is that I deal with these decisions all the time now because of mom so I'm actually used to them. Also I told him that I sometimes was getting stressed about what would happen if I was hurt etc, the government would try to step in and they couldn't run their finger up their nose without putting an eye out. This way things are on my terms and my sister is protected from government interference, so the will gives me peace of mind.
I didn't get to finish the lecture yet on sixpence's blog, the man is a little slow at getting his point across. I'm hoping for something inspirational because I could use some right now.