You're gonna hate me but...

 I'm going to step into it here but hey, this is my blog, my opinion. Today I had a lot of errands to run and so I found myself with many opportunities to practice my favorite hobby... man watching, oh how I loooove doing that. I noticed something however about a lot of gay men and I wish it were different but it is, what it is.

 I was getting plants for the yard and gardens. There was a rare opportunity to watch men of both sexualities, gay and straight. I noticed I could pretty much guess who is gay and who is straight by the way the guys carried themselves. Straight guys swagger like a bull in a field, gay men slink like cats... hahaha, I'm in for it now.

 Straight guys stroll around, looking confident, masculine, they swagger when they walk, you can tell who the alpha male is, they toss a bag of soil over a shoulder, it's erotic and I love it. Their masculinity pushes my buttons and I can't help wishing more gay men carried themselves that way, I find it an attractive characteristic. Now don't get your skinny jeans all in a knot, I know there are exceptions.

 Gay men are like cats, we are cute and cuddly but swagger is something many of us just can't pass off. I know many of you will angrily place hands on hips and stomp a foot in protest. You will say that I'm stereotyping gay men as you do that finger wave thing. However I could tell within seconds who was gay... and if they didn't do the slinky cat walk, they do that little kitty prancing thing, which also sometimes makes them look like they have a stick up their butt. I'm not saying that they are less of a man because of the way they walk, it's just a funny thing I have noticed. There is a saying around here, "cats are bastards" and so as a gay man, I'm just being a cat.

  Thanks to 8XY and miss Kitty for the demonstration of a bull and cat.

 As if on cue, 8XY swaggers down to check out some vjj, oh well boys will be bulls.

Moving day... again... thankfully!

 Yesterday turned out to be a good day, I received a call from a nursing home that I was trying to get my mom placed into, they said that they had a room for her and want to know if I was still interested in placing her there. I said that I would love to accept it for mom. They asked if we could move her today and I agreed. Mom is there now, it went fine for her because she is not completely aware that she has been moved to another building, so to her there was no move.

 Immediately I could see the difference in how the staff interacts positively with her, the nurses stations are situated out on the floor amongst the people and not hidden in a room like the other place. The social worker at the old place screwed up, she was supposed to tell me before hand to expect the call. She had no clue about moving arrangements etc, lack of communication as usual, they said they were going to miss us, the feeling is not mutual. The New place automatically had everything already handled for us. All I had to do was pack.

 The other thing that I think will be beneficial to mom is that all the elderly people are together, with all levels of capabilities, this way she will have conversations with people and that helps keep her mind active. At the old place mom was with people like her but most were much worse and either made no sense or noises. Also the people in the new place are elderly only, at mom's old place there were brain injured people and mentally challenged people, some of whom yelled and screamed or could hit, I was very uncomfortable with mom around them and she found it overwhelming at times.

 Anyway at least that dilemma is over, this time I felt good leaving her in their care, I felt that I did right by her and not like I betrayed or abandoned her as I did the last time. Unless something bizarre happens, this will be mom's final home, she will not be moving anywhere else. A coworker told me once not to torture myself with these thoughts... but a small part of me still wishes that I would get a phone call, saying that they know how to cure mom and after a few weeks of treatment, she can go home.

VJJ vs PP

 Many of you post thoughtful YouTube videos of beautiful songs or poems. This is not one of those clips, this YouTube video did give me the giggles, (masculine manly giggles I will add) and I thought it was cute. They ask a bunch of young gay men what they think about vaginas, the blank looks on some are priceless. Maybe you already saw this but I stumbled on it today and wanted to share.

Hope it gives you a smile.

Net drunk.

 I didn't do well staying off the net after I came home from work yesterday. I keep finding myself back on here. I'm not sure why or maybe I am. I need to make some serious decisions and I think I'm like an alcoholic, instead of hiding in a bottle, I hide myself online, I keep saying to myself that I will think about XYZ later, only later never comes. As long as I waste time online, I don't have to make any decisions, that way no decisions, no stress.

 Also I think I'm looking for a connection, some unknown sort of connection but I'm not sure what kind. Sometimes I feel like I want someone I know to reach out to me, it feels like I'm on here waiting for a message, "hey Steve it's me, it's going to be ok now Steve, I'm here for you, we are going to be together, you're no longer alone".

 Sometimes when I shut the phone off, the world feels empty, like I'm the last person on earth and even though there has been no sound most of the time, I only notice the silence once the screen goes dark. When I think about the time online that I have wasted in the last twenty-four hours, I feel shocked, embarrassed, stupid and almost like I have woken up from a coma since yesterday.

Busy beaver.

 Yesterday was bee ewe tea full, sunny sunny sunshine. I got my butt outside and did yard work. There was a lot to be done, my lawn had bedhead the morning of a haircut. I got out my trusty lawnmower, gave it a drink of oil, filled its tummy with gas and off we went to tame the jungle.

The "before" picture, I think dandelions are pretty but YIKES! It's an invasion! My lawn is retro 70s style, shag carpet.

 The "after" picture, there now much better at least you won't get lost walking through the dandelion forest.

 I dug up the flower beds last week, I tidied them up a bit more. I wasn't going to get flowers yet because of time constraints on the weekend but I remembered the little market which opened near me so I went to see them and they had a good selection at reasonable prices so I got some of my first spring flowers yesterday... YAY!

 If my neighbour hadn't dropped in, I was going to celebrate my accomplishments with one of my onion and tomato sandwiches. I was pretty much finished outside to be honest by that time, not because I was getting tired, more due to the malevolent cloud of black flies that descended upon me like deranged obsessive mini vampires!

I done good ta'day.

I got off to a rocky beginning this morning, a little too much interneting, wasted some time on line but then I got my butt in gear and I accomplished a lot today, "we are pleased with our self".  I would have had more things finished this evening, except for the fact that a neighbour dropped in and this person just doesn't know when to leave. This person is really sweet but taking hints about it getting late and how I have to get up really early in the morning, just goes right over the top of their head. Go home! Let me sleep already!

Touching Moments.

 This blog is often my relief valve, I usually write out thoughts that are bothering me. Once I have those thoughts down, it often gives me a sense of relief to have shared them. I worry that it could appear to people that I am a depressed person, in a state of sadness all the time. Well not to worry, I can see the edge that is not healthy to go over, I try to stay in a positive frame of mind. I have friends that can let themselves get too far, I see how those emotions can feed off themselves creating a cycle. I wanted to mention some touching moments that happened to me because they really lifted my spirits at the time.

 The first was I dropped into mom's former seniors home, some letters had come there by mistake. As I was leaving, the head nurse called out across the yard to me, "you are such a good son Steven, the way you look out for your mom, it's rare these days but you are different from most people in how much you care". I was caught off guard, so I thanked her and left. I don't think I deserve praise, I feel I'm just doing what I'm supposed to but it does feel nice to receive a compliment.

 The next moment was when the project I was working on came to an end. I had blogged about having to train a new person and not being happy about that. I feel however no blame towards the person hired, they are just here trying to do a job. I instantly liked the new person, a young woman of only twenty two. She had a good attitude of wanting to do a good job. Unlike many people who would try to make themselves feel important by belittling the new employee, my goal is to help them succeed. I never get angry over mistakes, they are just a learning tool. I would tell her, "no don't be silly, I'm not upset with you, use this as a learning experience, I guarantee that you won't make that mistake again" or sometimes I say, "you are new, we expect mistakes, don't dwell on it, learn from it and move on". I jokingly called her "my little one" or "my work niece". I enjoyed working with her. When the project ended, on her last day she thanked me for being patient with her and then gave me a little hug as she was leaving. I thought that was touching. It means a lot to me that I made her experience working here enjoyable.

 The last touching moment came yesterday, I received an email from my friend James. He likes to play around with music and sometimes records himself and his brother playing. He also creates videos and he said that he created a video for me. I was really touched and watched the video. I enjoyed the piece and he picked a theme that touched me, that really hit me because he obviously put some thought into it. Also as I was watching it, there is a special feeling to see that I'm the first person to watch it on YouTube. One of those moments that makes me go "awwww I really like that guy". If you want to watch my very own personal music video created just for me, go to www.not.a.chance.com.it's.my.personal.video...I'm.not.sharing. Lol :D

Better but not great.

 Today I did better at staying off the net but not as good as I hoped. This morning started out sunny and I received a text asking for help with the graveyard spring clean up. Since I'm on the committee I went out to help. I slept in  and didn't see the text until late, so by the time I got there, most of the work was already done. That works for me lol.

 When I came back home, it had started to rain very heavily. I didn't mind that because if it rains, then that gives you guilt free permission to work indoors. On a beautiful day, it just feels wrong to stay inside. I did some house chores and I made myself a good dinner, definitely not good enough, I should have done more. I did have a great nap after, at least that's not being on the internet. I fell down a few YouTube rabbit holes and lost some time there. I did however stop myself and shut the phone off a few times today. We shall see.

Caught red handed!

 I was reading about a man that is fighting against being fired from his job. He even had the backing of his union; however an arbiter agreed with the employer and said the work place was within its rights to fire him. It seems he was caught with his pants down... literally. The man was fired for masturbating at work. At first I read that he went to a bathroom stall for his "hands on" work "experience". I was thinking that maybe he was stressed and it's an awful heavy "handed" punishment for self appreciation. At least it's not like he was doing it in the lunch room. I was also thinking that young people today are much more open about masturbation and maybe he didn't realize it would... explode into such an issue.

 Turns out however that he had a problem, he had been warned before. Apparently he often went into the bathroom, pulled out his... cellphone... and other thing, cued up some porn and "really" got into what he was doing. Other people were embarrassed and uncomfortable, people in the bathroom trying to relax for a number two, suddenly had to listen to his loud moaning and groaning. Also they mentioned, all the movement in the next stall was unsettling, especially as the movement kept increasing in speed until the final satisfactory grunts and groans. Even people outside of the bathroom it was said to have heard him.

 Now I have an open mind about a lot of things but this is too far. I wouldn't want a guy to pull out his... computer in the middle of us having sex and start working on a project, so I certainly wouldn't want someone practicing self love and treating it like a one man show at work. Now he is claiming sex addiction and said he used headphones to hide the sounds of the porn clips. I think it's too little too late, the work place would have probably been more understanding if he tried to do something about at his first warnings. People today have this attitude of, I will do what I like to do and the heck with everyone else.

 I can't help thinking how confident this guy must have been... because I will try to hold "anything" in at work requiring me to remove any part of my pants, let alone becoming one of those "gay audition tapes" that I keep hearing about!

Haunting Hallway.

 As I said in my previous post, I stopped in to see mom on Wednesday. I usually stop in a couple of times a week, the senior's residence is actually on my way home so it's easy for me to drop in. Sometimes I stay for only an hour or so, sometimes I stay until bedtime. I am pleased to see that mom has been getting her strength back. She had to be prescribed medication for seizures and that took away all her energy. Now however she likes to walk up and down the hallways and it's good to see her up and about again. She is also generally in a good mood lately, the workers say she always seems happy and is easy to work with, that's all I can ask for, that she is happy in her reality.

 I let her walk, I just followed her around and we talked, sometimes it made sense, most times it didn't. There was one hallway on her floor that I have never been down. I asked her to walk down it with me. Mom said, "no, we shouldn't go down there, it's not good to go there". I found that odd because every hallway looks new to her no matter how recently she has walked down it so usually she will check it out, also odd because her answers are usually not so elaborate.

 I walked down it anyway and I suddenly regretted my decision. This was where they put the people who have lost every last bit of their humanity. The rooms have those half doors like at racehorse stables. This way staff can look in but the people can't get out. Most are in wheelchairs, they no longer walk, they no longer talk, they no longer look human. They are frightened, eyes wide with fear and they plead for your attention at their door, in a language that makes sense to only them.

 As bad as mom is now, a chill went down my spine when I realized that there is worse coming, much worse. That's why I say I won't be too sad if she were to suddenly pass away. Sometimes I think selfishly that I hope she passes away before she completely forgets who I am. My little mind has these visions of me telling people at her funeral, how the disease couldn't erase the bond between us.

 After yesterday however, I hope she never reaches that stage and it has nothing to do with me. I don't want mom to become a frightened infant locked in a room, holding her hands out... pleading to passing strangers. No matter how sick mom is, she still was frightened by that hallway, at some level she understands what it means to be moved there.

 It seems that our destination with mom's illness is "worse" because no matter how many times we think it couldn't get much "worse", it seems to top itself.

Divine Intervention.

 Yesterday I received help with my internet addiction from a higher power, it was clearly divine intervention, the all mighty... phone company had a glitch and my service was down last night, so no online time at all! I was ok, the world didn't end. I think if I wasn't on this quest to curb my usage I would have been really upset (sounds like missed) but I did some other things that needed to be done.

 I got home late because I was visiting mom, I felt really really tired so I snuggled into my la-z-Steve chair and fell asleep. I woke up at 3 a.m. and went straight to bed. I'm taking the advice of setting a limit, I like structure so that will work for me. The big test will be this weekend to see if I resist the urge to "just check a few messages" or listen to the little voice that says, "stay away from sites called Straight guys with their shirts off... together... wrestling". Yes... so anyway we will see.

 Lurkey poo part of me saw the humour in your comment but part of me felt empathy for what you were saying, this is my second battle with an online addiction, my first was before I met Dan. I missed a couple of huge opportunities because of getting sucked into the online world. Meeting Dan was what pulled me out at the time. It will take a bit of intelligence to get you out, don't get a big head over this but you have that ability.

Internet Anonymous Meeting?

 Like going to an A.A meeting, maybe we need an I.A meeting; however I think yesterday was more like an enabler meeting... lol. I thought that I had problems, you poor bastards need help! Just teasing, forgive my potty mouth. I think structuring a time limit is probably a good way to go. Last night I was trying not to go over my limit, I was doing ok but then I decided to "just check for messages" and fell down a rabbit hole, not too long but I realized that I had gone past my bedtime, "ahh mayochup"!

 Day two of doing better, hmm we shall see, I am actually posting before work, hmmmm but this will be short. Anne Marie said a person is healthy if they admit to watching and liking porn. I'm a very very very healthy person then because WHOO WEEE do I like porn! I used to think that was mainly the problem; however I soon realized that if I cut porn out of my online experience, then I spent hours looking at other things on line to fill the void. Also to be honest porn is not a large part of what I am doing, I email, text and chat mostly, that's why I feel loneliness is a huge part of getting lost on line.

 The online time has wiped out my television time and that doesn't worry me because television is 80% garbage since they have been cutting out more and more educational programs. Being part of a nerd-ish herd I did prefer watching things like science type shows but most programs are fluff now. What does worry me is my "real world" time that the online activities cut into. Like doing laundry, checking a few emails, then suddenly realizing that three hours have past, it's bedtime, the clothes are still soaking wet in the washing machine and I need them for work the next day. My time is up, see you tonight.

Motuesday

Today becomes my Monday since it was a holiday yesterday. I know everyone says it's a shorter week blah blah blah but I sometimes find it feels even longer.

 This past three day weekend that was a complete write off because of my playing on the internet the whole time, tells me something that I have known for a while now. That I have a problem, a big problem of being addicted to being on line. I think part of it is due to loneliness and feeling disconnected but what good is it to email and text with people all the time but never spend actual time with another person.

 The weekend was beautiful, sunny but not too hot, no bugs out yet surprisingly and it would have been a perfect time to get the yards and gardens ready; however I never ventured outside for more than twenty minutes. I'm in trouble, it's starting to affect my life, I have to get myself back under control. The house is a disaster, it's one of the reasons I can't get this place ready to sell. My brain is like a kid with A.D.D I think because the internet does the thinking for us and is always trying to grab our attention. Anyway I have to go to work, at least I can keep away from it there.

Umm, lost in translation?

 Today was a holiday so I had a long weekend to get caught up on things... which I didn't because of my addiction to the internet... but that's another post for another day. Keeping things light for a Monday, the company Heinz has been patting itself on the back for creating a new condiment, a bottle of ketchup mixed with mayonnaise. They called it.... you guessed it Mayochup, I haven't tried it but I'm thinking they should have named it upchup! I can mix my own combination if I want to.
 In Canada however they are getting publicity for all the wrong reasons. There is a large Cree population in parts of Canada and apparently the translation of mayochup into their language means shitfaced, some other close dialects also translated into sh#t in your eye or sh#t on your face. That's not a good image you want people picturing in their heads when they are choosing a condiment. The company said that they will review the name but for now they will sell out the stock first. Hmmm, maybe I should get a bottle of shitface as a collector's item, it would certainly be a good conversation piece!

T.M.I and other stuff.

 I was texting back and forth with a friend yesterday (he's a straight guy but I don't hold that against him, I'm open minded). He responded to one of my texts with "TMI", that means "too much information" for the non hip/cool people. I was telling him about being over at an Indian friend's house for supper. The guy is a really good cook, he was worried that the food might be too spicy for me. It didn't seem to be, I found it spicy as in flavorful and not spicy as in too hot to eat. I really enjoyed it. The TMI came as a result of explaining that my Irish Canadian heritage began to disagree with me the next day regarding the level of spiciness. I said that it didn't seem that spicy going in... but that it seemed a lot spicier coming out.

  After the supper we had a little wine and conversation. Also by accident we all suddenly fell down a rabbit hole that caused us all to enjoy ourselves and laugh and laugh. Even though there were people of different ages and from different countries we started watching something that united us with its shear genius. Yes... you guessed it, we started watching old episodes of Mr Bean. For those who grew up with him and followed him, it's a cult like thing, I can't explain it, especially not to Americans (tehe).

 It speaks volumes in today's climate about that simple evening get together, when you consider that some of us were not wearing turbans and some were. At the time I didn't even notice this fact; however I was thinking about it today listening to more stories about homophobia, racism etc on the news. People really are good at creating turmoil when there is no reason to. If they would only take the time to sit and speak with someone, they might learn something.

  Regarding a different topic, there was a moment at the end of the night that caught me, it was when the credits were rolling after it was over. Many of the episodes that I did remember were produced in 1990, that stunned me for a second. I remember talking about them with friends and one of my family members also loved watching it with me, I think it was mom. Wow 1990 and some 1993.  Almost thirty years ago, the show was created before some of the people watching it with me were born.

  Anyway back to over sharing. Have you ever reached that point where you just want to stop wiping. Sometimes you gently half wipe, hoping that the extra absorbent material  in your underwear that is supposed to help keep you dry... actually does its job. This is one of those times that I'm glad I never joined the thong wearing gay crowd. You know that mind game, where you say, "don't think of a pink elephant" and then everyone thinks of a pink elephant, well don't think about rim...g, I couldn't help it eww.. sorry lol. There is that point where you feel that you could light a match off your butt because it's burning so hot, you start to wonder what it would be like to place an ice cube up there. Imodium thou magic elixir is a god send.

Men of ALL Types.

 I consider myself lucky in that I find many different types of men attractive. All over the scales of feminine to masculine to race to age to frame size. It's not something that I pretend in order to sound politically correct, it just happens when I see an attractive man and think to myself, "well hello there handsome", and then I quietly check him out. I like that about my sexuality, I allow myself to enjoy it.

 I am often surprised by the way many gay men limit themselves. I'm not surprised by the prejudice towards a man's age and looks, unfortunately that seems to be common, I am surprised by the racism that seems to also be common in the gay community, especially in large cities. It's too bad actually because they are missing out.

 I was thinking about this because of two guys that pressed my buttons yesterday in a sexual way. I think having that sudden arousal feeling is enjoyable and is one of the perks in life, almost like the high we get from seeing a perfect sunset or gorgeous work of art in a gallery but at the same time very different from those feelings, it's raw desire.

 The first happened early in the day at my bank. While waiting in line there was a young man at the teller in front of me. He was about twenty eight and holy-old-moly... was he ever freaking hot. Clearly he was probably an athlete of some sort because he was in nice shape, not a gymbot, just naturally in good shape. He was African Canadian decent and was just dripping with male sexuality, every muscular curve was in the exact right location in my mind. He was one of those guys that sends a gay man's sexuality into overdrive, you just feel your desire to be with him in every part of your body. I sometimes wonder if as a gay man I'm picking up some kind of sex pheromones from guys like this in their prime. The way he carried himself, the confident but polite way he spoke to the teller had me in dream land. The building suddenly felt empty when he left and I felt I needed to sit down until my knees turned back from trembling mush.

 The second time it happened was later in the day, I was driving and had to stop for construction. Two young men were jogging towards me wearing only t-shirts and shorts. Again they were in nice shape, one man in particular was really attractive, he had a less polished handsome appearance to him, a rugby player type of body. Like me I could see he was a ginger but more of a reddish blond. As he approached however I saw that he also was a man of special needs, he had a slight look of a person with down syndrome or something along those lines. I felt ashamed of myself for being sexually attracted to this man and quickly looked away; however then I gave myself permission to look again. Here was a man, he is attractive, he is taking the time to stay in shape and look attractive, I felt there was nothing wrong with enjoying his efforts and looking at him like I would look at any other attractive man.

 These were two moments of appreciating life that I would have missed out on if my outlook was narrow. I'm not perfect, I'm always catching myself and trying to make better choices but I think if I'm "trying" then at least that is progressing but most of all it pays off by creating positive moments.

Midnight Lecture.

 Tonight I got home after midnight, I was "out with the boys". I should have gotten away with that since I'm alone... but no... I was in trouble, I got a silent lecture and if you were able to actually hear it, I think it would go something like this.

 "Stop right there mister! Where have YOU been! Stop the car, not another inche! I'm standing right here until I get an explanation! I have been waiting for my yum yums all evening and you never showed up. Look at the time, I am furious with you... so I'm going to walk up the driveway... at my own kitty pace and you will just have to crawl along in your car as punishment. No... no you will not go around me, I will keep getting in front of you, I told you as punishment you follow me... (((I))) don't follow you. What did you think, that I would act like some, ugh.. dog..  and just be ecstatic that you showed up, doesn't work that way with me buddy"!

Pow! Bang! Over!

 I have mentioned before that I only get one or two tv channels. I actually stopped watching tv weeks ago because all I ever get is The Big Bang Theory, it often feels like from seven to eleven, seven days a week. Tonight I decided to watch the last episodes. I actually like the way it ended, it wasn't over the top, they didn't jump the shark. The final scene of them eating together in the living room like they have for years was fitting. Usually with shows that are ending, the writers do some cliche thing like there is a fire and the main set is lost or where everyone is separated until the last second or the format is completely different from the usual format of the particular show. Not this time however and that's a smart thing because ten years from now when the younger generation starts feeling nostalgic, they will probably reboot the show with a much older cast and do jokes about stiff knees etc. The spin-off "Young Sheldon" had a cute season ending that tied into the main show.

 TBBT was an ok comedy, mostly my problem is with the station that is too cheap to buy any other content than TBBT, I'm glad it ended actually, maybe now the station will try to pick up something else. The show has been on for twelve years, I was thinking about where I was twelve years ago and about how different my life was and wasn't from then until now.

 I probably wouldn't have paid attention to that show if I had more choices to watch. I remember thinking it was a typical show  about a nerdy guy who meets a gorgeous woman and has no chance of being with her but eventually she falls for him. The only reason I started watching was the characters of Sheldon, Howard and Raj, I found them funny, like a modern day three stooges,  I was actually annoyed with the romance garbage between the characters of Penny and Leonard and didn't really care about that story line. Anyway, the end.

#I don't know.

 There was talk of the "Me too" movement during lunchtime today. It seems that someone I know has been swept up in it. Apparently this male coworker gave a woman a job interview, he felt that she wasn't qualified for the position and did not hire her. Later the human resources department came to him and said that the woman had filed a complaint against him. She alleges that during the interview he came on strong towards her, that he touched her, caressed her, tried to give her a massage, said sexual things to her and about her.

 I have worked with this man for years, I have never heard a word about something like this before in regards to his behavior. I even worked for him at one time and always found him to be professional. People want to back their co-worker but I was pleased to see that it didn't turn into a team "man" or team ,"woman".

 I just stayed quiet and listened. To be honest I don't know what to think, at the age I am now, I can tell you I have seen a lot of things happen that totally shocked me about people. Sadly nothing surprises me now. I have worked with really nice guys for years, that I felt were stand-up type men, only to be stunned by the news that they sexually assaulted a woman or some other offence that seemed not to fit their character. Some of the guys said that they trust our co-worker, others like me stayed quiet.

 On the flip side, I find it odd that this woman was ok with the alleged behavior until later when she found out that she didn't get the job. Also this position is a professional position, you need a few years of experience and a university degree. Odd for a married father of two, to decide and blow everything he has worked so hard for... by becoming sexually inappropriate with a well educated, intelligent woman who would not be intimidated by him.

 It's so hard to know unless you have a camera hidden away somewhere, who do you believe. The other guys were saying that if they are hiring and have to do interviews, going forward they will have two people in the room for the interview, just to be on the safe side. Unfortunate as well that even if this man is completely innocent, I have doubts about him now and will never see him the same way again.

Goodbye Tim :(

 I was saddened by the news that Tim Conway died. I can't tell you about all the happy memories I have of being a child and watching him, especially on the Carol Burnett show. We certainly didn't have treats all the time but every Thursday we would make popcorn, have a glass of pop and settled down as a family to watch that show. There are so many good memories of us just laughing and laughing and laughing, usually until tears were coming down. My parents were serious people so it was nice to see them enjoying the moment. I think our favorite part was when Tim would make the rest of the cast laugh. They would try hard not to but eventually they couldn't hold back. He was 85, that's seems surprising to me but time slips by so quickly these days. Another childhood entertainer gone, thanks for the memories Tim, you may have left us but your comedy will live on.

Thinking Inside the Box.

 One thing that I have noticed regarding online gay socializing, is that many gay people have put themselves inside a box which keeps them from being with other people. I suspect that is why it's so hard to meet people. I did it to myself actually, by moving out here into the country, this is the second time I have done this, I moved back to the country in my late twenties, bad habits are hard to break I guess. This effectively ended my chances of meeting someone both times.

 It seems to be a common mistake that older gay men make. While trying to meet people  and make friends, it seems everyone is as unavailable as I am. I live way out in the middle of nowhere but every gay person I start to make friends with in the city, has limited time to share with me and definitely doesn't have a place of their own. We can never get together because they have straight roommates, lives with a parent, has a business that ties them up, etc, etc, etc. These men are in the city and yet chose options that would limit them. It's like self imposed solitary confinement that keeps them from meeting real people.

The "sandwich" of all sandwiches.

 Today I was looking at two tomatoes that I bought last week and was thinking to myself that I better use them in a sandwich or a salad for supper. While working outside, I noticed that I had missed some onions from last year and they were growing again. The onion part itself would be mushy and too strong to eat; however the green stems would be delicious.

 It suddenly occurred to me... holy cow! I can make one of my tomato and onion sandwiches! I'm actually eating something out of my garden already. I am dedicating this to Deedles because she gets grossed out when I make this sandwich. This from the queen of the grape jelly and salami sandwich! Oh wait.... I felt a little ill there for a second. Anyhoo I made my first O & T sandwich for 2019, later on even better when I have my own tomatoes, still it was nummylicious!

Me Mudder.

 Today is mother's day, I won't go and see mom because of the distance and also because I know that my sister and her partner are going. I was going to go but I realized I was going mostly for myself. I will see her tomorrow and if I go today it will take up my Sunday with traveling and I need a day to recharge. Plus sadly, she will not remember that I came to visit the moment I leave the room.

 I won't go on and on about mom because by now everyone knows how much I love her. I will say that I never realized how lucky I was until I moved to the city. I had known of a few people with crappie fathers but for the most part, everyone I knew had a mother bear firmly in their corner like I did. While living in the city, I made friends with people who were raised by their fathers, grandparents or aunts and uncles. I was shocked by the stories of neglect and general unconcern for the wellbeing of their children. Even to the point of mothers being barred from weddings etc. That made me sad but it also made me appreciate mom more.

 People often say to me that I'm a good son the way I look out for mom. I feel embarrassed by that actually because I feel that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, it's what she would be doing if the rolls were reversed. I also feel that I am giving back what she gave to me. I think also that she kept me out of trouble most of my life because there were times when I would think, "mom would be so hurt if I do XYZ".

 Thank you mom, I know now that I won the lottery regarding mothers, I couldn't ask for a better mom. Thank you to any "moms" reading this, you are the real backbone to any society, it's one of those truths that nobody talks about, yet we all know it's true.

Brush Cut.

 It's been warm this week so I decided to cut my bush... I mean trim my hedge... clip my brush? Yes that's exactly what I mean, getting out into the garden. For the last two years, my spirea has been looking terrible due to winter kill, I nicknamed it spiarrhea because it looked like crap. I was tired of trying to reshape it so I manscaped it like a porn star.

While I was there, the snow ball tree has not been looking so good either, I'm not sure of the actual name but doesn't matter. I cut the balls off it to the ground, ouch!

 Which reminds me, did anyone read the story in the news about the young guy that took painkillers and cut off his penis and testicles, he wanted to become non binary. I though I had issues to deal with, that seems to be a lot on a young person's plate to make them feel that they have to take that step on their own. Hopefully the person is doing well and will be happy going forward.

 Back to gardening, mostly it's just cleaning up, dead plants, broken branches, clumps of mud; however two days ago the first dandelion appeared. I like dandelions, I love the bright yellow colour, like little Sun's popping up all over the place. It means that winter is really really over here. They provide an important service, the bumblebees have come out, if it wasn't for the dandelions, they would have  almost nothing to eat. A friend of mine who moved here from India, asked me last year, who planted all the nice flowers around our work building. I told him they are wild flowers called dandelions but sadly most people call them weeds and want to get rid of them.

 Another thing that's nice about this time of year, I had some windows opened while getting caught up with my vacuuming. Nothing makes your house feel cleaner than vacuuming and having it smell like fresh air afterwards.

Am I Gay Enough?

 Every day I read some piece about a certain gay candidate (Pete) in the leadership race for the democratic party. Many people are commenting on the importance to today's LGBTQ youth, regarding seeing a married gay man running to become president. I can believe that it's happening but my seventeen year-old self would have never believed that it would happen. Also he doesn't fit the stereotype that was constantly thrown at us in the past. Clean cut,  boy next door type, ex military, religious and not some gay caricature from a sitcom or movie. I always said that role models are important, we need to see ourselves in society, we need to feel that we are represented and not just LGBTQ people, other minority groups as well.

  This makes me wonder about what I am doing. Most of my friends know I'm gay, some family members know. However at work no one knows. There is one or two people who might know, friends of friends so it's possible they know. I recall a certain blogger pointed out to me, that I like to have my cake and eat it to. I like it when people come out, it gives me strength and makes me feel less and less like an outcast. While on the other hand I remain in the closet in a lot of settings.

 I have a lot of good excuses that I use not to come out. There is also a little bit of a power trip for me,  I'm going to secretly judge you regarding situations. I do like however that people are unfiltered around me. It means that much more to me when someone speaks positively about gay people, this way I know their true feelings and not something that they felt they were supposed to say.

 I think the younger generation, doesn't need me as a roll model anymore, they are pretty sure of who they are. Unlike me during my younger years, they have grown up with positive images of gay people all around them. Still I feel that I'm not towing my line, like I'm letting the gay club down.

 I have to end this here, I can't keep my eyes open. I think however if I was dating someone like Pete, I would want everyone to know, "THIS ONE'S MINE"!

Zero Readers!

 I have zero readers! Before I start, right now at this moment I'm eating an invention that only a bachelor too lazy to cook supper would do. I took two hotdog buns (I use them for mini subs, I never eat hotdogs) and on the buns I spread creamed honey and... wait for it... mayonnaise! The light diet kind, to be honest it's kinda good, not too sweet, not too bland and it's light before going to bed. Peanut butter is good with honey on a sandwich as well but honey with banana is disgusting! I'm having my honey/mayo sub with a glass of lactose free milk... because who wants to pay for lactose when you can get it free!

 Every now and then I get a notice about increasing the traffic to my blog. Either from blogger or some kind person trying to help me out. I always decline however, I like things the way they are. I always feel embarrassed when someone says that I can "increase my readers". My readers? I have zero readers, lol... I'm not an author or journalist, I'm not trying to get a fan base, that's for the people on YouTube etc. This blog is just my way of avoiding the high cost of therapy. I have no readers, I only have a collection of really interesting online friends that come to help me work stuff out by sharing ideas and experiences, why would I want to jeopardize that?

Group hug! :D

The Good son?

 I remember once when I was about nineteen, I had this horrible dream, (very common for me). My family was on vacation and we were exploring around an old volcano. This was a ludicrous scenario, my parents would have never traveled anywhere near a volcano, let alone even traveled more than a day or two from home. However there we were, walking over scorched rocks, I was walking ahead of them when I suddenly herd, "Steve! Steve help us"! I looked back only to see that the earth had given way beneath them, they were hanging on the edge by their fingers and it was eroding away fast, boiling hot lava below. When I approached, I realized that I could only save one of them.

 This apparently was the torture my mind was trying to inflict on me, which one would I choose. There was no contest in my mind however, I could never live with myself if anything happened to my mom. We were always very close and my love for her was well beyond what I felt for my dad and sister. I was haunted by the looks on their faces as they fell to their deaths. Nice going subconscious, you psychotic "bleep" hole.

 I once read a question on Dr Spo's blog that asked, "what could you tell your eight year-old self that would make him/her cry". I didn't dare answer that question because it's too hard to say, but I will answer it near the end of this post, it carries a lot of guilt with the answer.

 There are many days when I'm leaving mom after a visit and I am still hit by the shock that this is actually happening. I'm often close to tears because the thing that I feared the most for her has happened. I did everything I could to keep her out of one of those cliche "homes". I relieved dad on weekends at first, I took care of her for eight years on my own after he died, I placed her in a lovely nursing home for almost three years until finally everything came into line to do the opposite of what I have been trying to do.

 One of the things I find ironic is that most of my friends have lost their parents now. Some much younger than mom and all were active and sharp until the very end, yet here is mom, still slogging along in a world of illness. It's horrible but some days I'm envious of my friends who have said their goodbyes to their parents and now are moving on with life. I sometimes worried that I see her as "the burden formally known as mom". After the last move however; the only good that has come out of my emotional reaction to it, is that I know how much I still love and see her as mom and not a shell of mom.

 That leaves me to answer the question above however. I hate seeing her like this, the illness, the confusion, she is humiliated daily by strange men helping her go to the washroom, take a bath, get dressed. The long goodbye as they say, the never ending crises, the not being able to complete simple tasks, not recognizing family and friends, the prison that she is in, mentally and physically. The thing that would make my eight year-old self cry, would be when I tell him that, "one day you will wish that your mother would die".

Incomplete Task.

 Flipping through the channels, I stopped for a second on the show Survivors. Some years I will watch it, if there are a lot of hot men playing that particular season but most times I don't bother. They were going through a task that I know, I couldn't do.

 It wasn't eating bugs or carrying buckets of water up a steep hill, it was a day for visitors. People were extremely emotional as family members or close friends came to say hello and lend them support. I hate that task because when I think about it, I have no one to ask. There is no special person in my life that would make me cry on site and then give me strength just knowing they are there for me.

 I have been a loner all my life, I was never close to anyone. Yes I have friends but not like we hangout all the time. Dating Dan was the closest I had ever been to having a best friend that I could share everything with, as well as a boyfriend. I suspect that is one of the reasons for me being here in the blogosphere.

 I think that says something about my personality.