Friday, November 22, 2019
I have been sick lately, something like a cold only it lasts longer, about four weeks. It been going around, many people have it. One of the symptoms is a choking cough that really kicks into gear at night. You start coughing around eight in the evening and continually cough until about two or three in the morning. Nothing will relieve the coughing, it's like when you are drinking water and it goes down the wrong way. This makes you completely exhausted. I decided to stay away from mom because I didn't want to bring that into the home.
Tonight I went to see mom and for a split second the reunion made me forget her illness. I was immediately jolted back to reality when I found her wandering away from her dinner like a zombie. She seemed extra "out of it" tonight. Again it hits me hard, there is mom's body but "mom" is no longer there. I got her to sit back down and I was almost in tears trying to feed her. How did this happen to her, how can this happen to her, why did this happen to her.
I suddenly feel panicked, is this going to happen to me? If I go like her, I may only have a few years left. I can't let this happen to me. I don't want to end up like that. I can't end up like that, it's old people prison, the crime is getting old and sick, then you are sentenced to five, ten or twenty years in senior jail. I start to think of the least gruesome ways to die. I don't want to live like that, I'm wondering if I get Alzheimer's, how do I...
Anyway I'm going to meet a bunch of homosexuals tomorrow, hopefully they can cheer me up. The clock is ticking... hurry up and enjoy life. A neighbour who lives about a mile from me, felt unwell and went to her doctor. She told the doctor that she started to have heartburn and thought it could be gallstones. After a bunch of tests, they told her that she has liver cancer and that it spread to her lungs and other organs. She's only 46, now instead of planning for retirement in a few years, she is planning for her funeral. Hurry up and seize life, tomorrow may be too late.
Yes... I'm okay now.