Tuesday, December 31, 2019
My new reality.
I was sitting in my living room last night with all the lights off. Just relaxing in my big comfy chair, staring out the window at the Christmas tree. The wind was making the lights dance. I was in power down mode getting ready for bed.
It suddenly occurred to me that this was the first Christmas without mom. I did see her that night but it's not the same. The odd thing is I didn't even notice it. I think unlike with dad who was suddenly not there anymore, mom has been slowly slipping away from us, leaving no option but to learn to cope. To be honest, even though she was with us in the past, for probably the last three Christmases... she was not part of the conversation. She would speak if spoken to but she would be in her own world otherwise. I can still remember the first Christmas without Dad, as clear as if it was a year ago (Christmas number 11 now, unbelievable to me). At dinner we were sitting there in silence, shell shocked, almost waiting for him to join us, it seemed completely wrong to be having Christmas dinner without him. Compare that to me enjoying my day last Wednesday. Yes mom did cross my mind throughout the day but I wasn't down about it.
My sister and her partner had a long time friend join them for Christmas. I felt we could relax and enjoy ourselves, with mom around, it can be like having a small child that you need to keep an eye on. Even when I went to visit mom, it was more for me than her. Normally when I would say it's Christmas, she would act surprised over and over but at least she grasped the meaning. This time around, saying it's Christmas meant about as much as saying it's Wednesday to her.
I guess I have gotten used to the idea of living without mom, this is my new reality and I think that's healthy. When asked if my parents are still around, I now say no... because I no longer have parents, they are gone, mom's body is still alive but she is gone and I just realized I have finally accepted that.