Sunday, June 7, 2020

I received a text...

 During the day Mr X and I often text back and forth to each other, usually silly banter as a way to stay connected. Sometimes during the day he calls me and every night around nine he would call me, we would talk for an hour to say goodnight. Covid had separated us for almost two months but he kept reassuring me not to worry, that he would be waiting for me.

 Wednesday morning, we were texting back and forth, being silly as usual. My phone beeped, it was him, smiling already from what he was probably about to say... I nearly dropped the phone when I read the first sentence. He said that he just doesn't feel the boyfriend vibe from me and wasn't interested in going any further. He said sorry for not saying something sooner but better to let me know now than later.

 I had to go outside, it was like I was smothering. One of the only good things going for me at the moment... completely gone in a text. All the visions I had for us getting back into dating, getting to really know each other wiped clean. The separation between us was really hard, I was afraid that time would kill our new relationship... and now the very thing I was afraid of came true.

 I did think that something was off, just as the restrictions were lifted, he went to stay in his summer place near his family. That shocked me, clearly he no longer felt as I did. However I would ask him about it during our phone calls and he would constantly reassure me that we were okay, that he was really stressed over being locked up due to covid and just needed time with his family. He would still call every evening and we were exchanging pictures all the time. I started to believe him, he seemed to be himself on the phone, I thought I was being paranoid.

 I really miss that evening call, I looked forward to it. I miss the constant texting as well. Wednesday I guess I was in disbelief because it was Thursday that it really hit me, I'm alone again and especially now with covid ruining everything, I really felt alone. To be honest it feels like he died, that some time during our separation he contracted covid and died.

 I have a lot to say about this as I'm working through the breakup, so you will just have to put up with my "crazy" for a few days and then that will be it.

 This one really hurts because the truth is... I really liked this guy.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Sending you big hugs, Steven. Dating and relationships can cause such awful pain and hurt when they end in disappointment. Be kind and gentle with yourself right now, and know that we all support you.

JanF said...

Of course it hurts and I don't like the way he did it either. Please give yourself proper time to mourn this relationship of which I was very hopeful. I am just an old lady of 75 ( married happily for 49 years) but I feel for you with all my heart. This is sad. Frankly, he did not deserve your true love. I am mad at him.

RJ said...

A text message break up says a lot about his character. I'm sorry you've been hurt. I hope some day you will realize you'll be better off without him. I know that doesn't make it any easier to overcome the loss of what sounded like a promising relationship.

Mistress Maddie said...

I agree with RJ...a text message?!?!?! You know how to reach me babe if you want to talk or vent, I was just glad to hear from you. Cards on the table, being in your shoes a couple times, hence why I will not commit fully to a man again, and is why I'm enjoying the company of a few good men. I don't trust them. So I'm probably not the best to ask for relationship advice, but I can be a sounding board and friend. I am sorry to hear this, I know you seemed to really like this new found love and void filled.

As Joan Crawford said-"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."

Christina said...

I'm so sorry to hear this news.
Sending hugs.xx

Old Lurker said...

A few points, and then I will leave you in peace again.

Yes, you should reach out to Maddie and others for comfort. (Stay away from the gin, though. That is the devil's drink.) Texting and talking with your other friends is not going to fill the hole of your breakup, but it will give you some companionship when you need it.

Getting dumped hurts. A lot. It is okay to hurt and it is okay to grieve. But if you find yourself sinking into the depths of hopelessness and depression, I want you to promise us that you will reach out for some counselling. Ottawa has a distress line at 613-238-3311, and there is a Quebec-wide line at 1-866-277-3553. There is a list of support lines here: . You are going through a lot right now, and it does not make you any less butch to get some help getting through this.

It is sad that Mr X did not turn out to be Mr Forever, but I hope that eventually you are able to recognise how incredibly far you came by meeting him. You listened to your Auntie Debs and met some people in the local LGBTQ+ community. You went gay bowling and interacted with other human beings with your charming and witty demeanor, and other people enjoyed your company. Given how stuck you were feeling even a year ago, this is a huge achievement, and this achievement is not diminished just because you did not end up marrying the first guy you met at bowling night. You met some people, and will meet more. You now know that you are not too old/ugly/rural or whatever else you had been telling yourself to be in a relationship. You might meet somebody else during this pandemic or it might be afterwards, but you now know it can happen.

This is going to sound condescending, but I'm saying it anyways: you are relatively new at this. Straight kids go through these relationships and heartbreaks in their teens. Things are probably different now, but back in our day gay kids stayed in the closet in their teenaged years, and even when they "dated" their hearts were not going through the wringer of teenaged love like their peers. Getting dumped like this is going to hurt a lot (and it is not easy for older straights who are in the dating pool) but this is only your second or third serious relationship. A lot of this is still going to feel new and raw to you, and that is okay. Listen to your Auntie Debs and be kind and gentle with yourself. It is okay to feel the feelings you feel, and it is fine if the "crazy" lasts much longer than a few days.

HuntleyBiGuy said...

Steven, I’m so so sorry to hear this. When you were off the grid for so long, I thought this might be the reason. Listen to your friends above and to those who have known you much longer than I have. Lurker has a lot of good thoughts above. You need time to process all of this. “Crazy” can be good. It gets out all the hurt. Your community is here for you. Lean on us.

Bob said...

By text?
That's a jackass move, and though you're hurting now, know that you dodged a bullet if that's how little he thought of you.
Better days will come.

kent said...

sorry for your hurt distance is a barrier to lots of things. hugs to you

Dave R said...

I am so sorry to hear that. His heart may have always been fickle. Maybe it's better to find out now rather than later.

1st Man said...

Breaking up by text, ugh. I guess maybe that's the thing now but it's still wrong. One time I broke up with a guy, we were both going in different directions and I honestly grew to like him more as a friend than a potential partner. Anyway, I wasn't going to leave a message on voicemail or send a letter or anything like that. I met up with him face to face, lots of tears, and then we parted ways. Texting is the chicken way out.

If it's any consolation, about a year or so after that guy, I met the guy I am married to now and have been with him for almost 21 years. It will come when you least expect it.

Big hugs to you!!!

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Oh noo.
Hold my earrings. I’ll beat him up.
Fuck Mr. x. Or much better, do not.
I can’t with men who make you feel that everything is ok and then do a 180. You either KNOW if you like a man that’s way ‘ or not. Duh.
If it weren’t for the Fucking pandemic I’d ask you to come to Chi and I’d introduce you to new men even if I’d had to go to Boystown with you personally.
It’s his loss, Bae. It’s his fucking loss.


Ur-spo said...

Yes it hurts mighty; when we open up to try intimacy it makes one vulnerable to being hurt.
I concur a break up via a text is rude, cowardly, and - a sign perhaps he isn't a good character .

Anonymous said...

I personally think a Post-It is the way to go.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

OMG, the "post it" thing made me laugh!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Thanks Lurker for the concern.