I thought that I probably should mark my one week anniversary of being
Well time keeps marching on. It's been a week since I received my little text surprise. I was stunned, it's like that moment back when you're a child and your ice cream hits the floor.
There is a moment of disbelief and you can't help seeing all the great times you had together start flashing through your mind. Like feeling alive again, feeling that you are connecting with someone on a totally different level.
Then suddenly your dream is over, sometimes it's a long time coming but sometimes it is an abrupt end and you're numb inside at first, turned to stone.
I was walking around in a fog the first day but eventually I started to realize what it meant. No more hugs, no more kissing, no more snuggling, cuddling, talking, joking, laughing or even seeing each other. No more "us" just me, and the full meaning sinks in.
He is no longer a part of my life.
I didn't tell anyone at first, I was embarrassed that I lost my partner. Like messing up and losing a dream job. I couldn't blog, I just wanted to be alone.
Breaking up has that really awkward moment, the one where you really need the support of your partner... but it's that person you're no longer able to ask for help.
Sometimes I feel angry with myself, that I let him off the hook too easy, that in trying to do the right thing, I gave him the smooth exit he wanted and I'm doing all the heavy lifting. Many times I want to be able to just yell at him, "look what you did to me"!
Then at other times I think being mature is the right thing to do. It's the best way to pretend that he really wasn't that big of a deal to me, sometimes I'm tired of always doing the right thing. I could even wish him good luck with his next relationship, maybe even with his buddy that tried to cut in on me.
Hey, I said that I usually am mature about these things, I didn't say I'm always mature about these things.
This will take a little while but I'll survive, most people do. Surprisingly I'm not bitter or angry about this, nor do I feel like I should just give up. I feel like I have gained more experience and I want to get back out there and try this again and again until hopefully one day it works out for me. I know people say there is an ocean out there, it is a little daunting to start at zero again... especially now. I feel very alone and I don't want to.
Sooo this is me...again.