Saturday, June 27, 2020
Why did I do that? I posted something cheerful today, I'm not cheerful that's a lie, I'm in a dark place. I did it so that people wouldn't become bored with me. I'm struggling here, I'm not sure what is wrong. Well yes I do, I'm trying to keep depression at bay, it's happened before only this time I think I'm losing. Sure covid didn't help and my break up didn't help but this was coming on long before the virus, long before Mr X.
Starting in the winter I would suddenly feel very alone, almost panicked about it. It would make me feel dizzy and like the weight of the world was crushing me. I've been having these episodes since I placed mom in a nursing home four years ago, I think it's because she was my last anchor. It's part of the reason I was trying to socialize more. I hadn't been working much lately, contracts had dried up. I need that interaction with people. Sometimes to keep the loneliness away, I would drive to a coffee shop half an hour from the farm. I would sit there with my phone reading blogs and eating, just so that I have people around me.
Getting into more and more clubs, meeting more and more people, meeting Mr X... it was really helping me stay out of the darkness. I was really happy, I felt I had a lot to look forward to, I felt selling the farm was a move forward for me and not an ending. Then covid hit... I wasn't allowed to see mom, my work place shut down, my social groups shut down, the restaurants shut down, the roads shut down, everyone went into hiding. All I had left was Mr X and then he left me. I was at my breaking point, I was really struggling to keep the darkness out. Discovering Mr X had replaced me... broke something inside.
I try to keep busy, to keep my mind off things but my brain has all these sad thoughts or unfinished moments and like PTSD, they flash in my mind and trigger me. Also I get these waves of absolute sadness, they make me sob and sob uncontrollably. If I can't get this under control, I'm going to have to see a doctor.