These last two weeks we finally are having our summer, ironic to be having it in September but with all the rain and cold weather we are ready to take anything we can get. With sun filled days, blue skies and temperatures in the high 80's I was back out at my parents place, again working away in the sunshine. As I said before, there is a peacefulness to working out doors and being a part of the whole cycle of life, growing things, working with the weather, the earth, nature. I often find my thoughts are cleared of the day to day stress of life and it gives me a chance to try and see the bigger picture, where and how I fit in with society and in this crazy world.
I was thinking about the gay issue, how it seems to be so huge to some people and a thought suddenly hit me. It was more like that little voice in the back of a person's head speaking and I clearly heard the thought "being gay is not a big issue, it is nothing really, just some people make it an issue" and I feel that is the truth. Being gay is only a big deal to the people who can't accept it or don't understand it, some people may go into panic mode when they find out one of their neighbors or a school teacher is gay. If they thought about it, they probably liked and respected that person for years so just because they know now, what difference does it make... none, it is only in the person's mind. I know some of the other blog writers who have been out for years have been trying to say this to me and I'm finally getting it. To me, my attraction to men was almost a hidden weakness or character flaw that I felt must be kept from everyone else, I saw it as a huge wall that I someday had to figure out a way of climbing over. Now I see it as part of who I am and will let others see it as a wall, if they want to burden themselves with such a narrow thought. I also see now that I made a huge deal out of something that was never really there, most people just did not give a second thought to the fact I'm gay. I think people have their own busy lives and as long as I don't cause them harm, they really don't care who I date. There is still the older generation that often can't accept it and I am understanding of their situation but as for younger people who use religion or whatever to try and keep me down, your tricks just don't work on me anymore. I understand now that you never really cared about my well being, it was more about power, control, your view on life and how to make others follow your views.
In the cool evenings, sometimes when I was younger, I used to like to go for walks through the fields and sit down on a rock and just watch the cows grazing. It to me can be calming like watching fish in a tank swimming or the glow of a fireplace. They make a rhythmic munching sound and it makes a person think that this is real life, they don't care if I am gay, only if I am going to give them salt or grain treats, like the rest of the world, who I love has no affect on them. Once I said to them out loud, "hey girls I'm gay" there was no reaction, no cow gasps, no heads up, and no stampeding off to get away from the gay guy. I said it out loud again, maybe practice for humans later on, "I'm gay, I like guys" one looked at me and then went back to her grazing as if to say "shh, you are breaking the silence" or maybe she thought I said "hay" either way it showed me I could say it out loud and the sky would not fall. I turned to the dog we had at the time, running around, tail wagging checking things out and asked "do you care if I'm gay?" She can running over like a cannon ball and into my lap, happy for the attention, I'm sure if she could have spoken it would have been something like "don't know about this gay thing but as long as you pet me and give me cookies we're good, now come over here and help me get this squirrel out of these bushes!"
That is the way it should be for people as well, I think someday it will mostly be that way for gay people in the western countries. For now I will keep reminding myself not to let people make an issue out of this and honestly I have been lucky so far, the people that have found out so far think me being gay is just that, no big deal.