A Picture To Die For

I spent the weekend with Dave and Sunday we decided to go for a small hike. The weather was pretty good, warm with a little sun showing up every now and then, making it a perfect day for a walk through nature. Dave and I planned on taking pictures as the leaves are beginning to turn colours here. I am not that great with a camera like so many of you who read this post but I do enjoy taking them for myself. Everyone wants those "wow" shots and we were hiking around looking for great memories. I was going to blog about the day we had together, about finally being out with a boyfriend just enjoying each other's company, I was going to post pictures and hoped you would like them. I will post about this later however for now I am still extremely upset and stressed out from what happened to us, I am so on edge that I know there will be no sleep for me tonight, same as how we did not speak on the way home, how our day was ruined, how one slip nearly killed Dave and I.

We had come to the end of the trail and were heading back, we stopped for some last few pictures and as I was taking photos of rocks in the flowing water, Dave had climbed up a cliff to a rounded ledge. He told me to come up as there was something he wanted to show me. It was dangerous but there were good hand and foot holds, plus I grew up around rocky hills so this was not new to me. Once there he pointed to a small maple tree growing out of a crack in one of the rocks. It was odd in that there should not have been a tree growing out of such a small crack but the main reason to show me was it had an amazing bright red colour, it was beautiful and we thought a perfect shot. The angle was not good and I wanted to get a better view. Dave told me that if I climb higher and around the ledge I would get a better shot. We were quite high up now and the rocks sloped down and inward so the tree was out of reach but as long as I stayed back I would be fine, get too close to the tree and the slope would cause you to slide right over where you would fall into fast moving water but worse, jagged boulders. The rocks were dry and I sat down to take a picture, there was lots of room for one person on the ledge and I was in a safe place. I was about to take the picture when suddenly I felt something heavy slam into me from behind, I was startled but realized it was Dave, for a split second I thought he was playing a childish trick of pretending to shove me and grab me at the last moment. All of the following happened in fractions of seconds, I saw that Dave had foolishly climbed up behind me but the slope was too steep to hold him, he did not know that the bottom of his shoes had become wet and with the rock moss it was like trying to stand up on soap. As he struggled he kept slipping farther down and him being much heavier than me, was pushing me over the rounded edge to the point where I could not stop my fall. I was frantically laying down for friction and grabbing for every finger hold I could get only to be dislodged by him struggling. I felt myself going over, I remember thinking " I might die from this, is this how I'm going to die" it felt like every bad dream I ever had only it was true, I also remember thinking "this is going to really hurt". As we were sliding over I could hear myself shouting "Dave, Dave, Dave" almost like someone else was yelling it, I was also feeling sorry for him as the person I love was about to die or end up in a wheel chair. In the last flashes of time Dave reached out with his long arms and caught a tree growing in the rocks, me I had grabbed onto Dave's legs as a last effort to grab something and we suddenly stopped sliding.

I scrambled up Dave and onto the safe spot, he did not move and asked "you alright?" I said "what the FUCK where you thinking" he said something and I said "that was the dumbest thing you ever did, you could have hurt me or both of us" I wanted to say 'kill' instead of 'hurt' but I was afraid to say the word out loud, he kept saying "I'm sorry" but I was too scared to really be angry at him... yet! I looked down to see my favourite hat quickly flowing in circles from the swift currents of the water falls below the rocks, almost teasing me as if the river was saying "I've got your hat, dare you to come in and get it." Dave lost his camera into the water, I lifted my hand and stared at my camera still around my wrist, battered from my flailing around but still intact. My fear of dropping my camera makes me wear the strap around my wrist and this little quirk payed off. I had to stay there a minute as my legs were trembling too much for me to safely climb down. When I came down I really felt angry with Dave, almost a wave of anger. After a few minutes I calmed down because I could see that he was really eaten up inside about what he had almost done and I figured he will punish himself enough later. I said good bye to my hat as it was lost to the currents and wondered if someone would find it later while fishing or walking along the shore. We both were still a bit dazed by the whole thing, thinking the loss of the hat and camera was something to be concerned about. I also felt embarrassed and ashamed for allowing myself to be put into a situation like that, after all we are not kids anymore.

I felt sick inside, we just went home after that and it was pretty quiet on the ride home. I could not help think of my parents getting a call tonight or tomorrow by the police, telling them that their son was dead or badly hurt and in a hospital. They would probably hear about something happening involving two men hiking, on the local news, not knowing until later it was us. I also could not help think about Dave's father, still grieving over the recent loss of his wife. Dave lay down and I could see he was torn up by this, his eyes watered at the thought that he could have caused harm to me. I hugged him, told him the main thing is nothing happened, we are both alright, I can get another hat, he can get another camera and that is the main thing. He said "I can't help think what if that tree I grabbed was not growing in that spot." I said we can learn from this and move on, there is no point in saying "what if." I started to make him laugh then with a little dark humour, I don't want him punishing himself anymore, I said to him, "how many times do we here about some goof that gets out on a ledge and falls off, I used to think, if your that stupid then too bad!" He laughed and said we better rethink that train of thought.

I was suppose to stay over night again at Dave's place but I made an excuse to leave. I told him not to worry about it but I am really strung out by this, I know I will not sleep tonight. I can't describe the feeling when you think you might be about to die, at the moment I am haunted, over and over buy the ledge, the feeling of slipping-slipping, the rocks below and that tree... a tree that one little picture of, almost cost us greatly.

Tired Of Being An Adult

I'm tired of being an adult, when does the clock turn back, I'm really ready for it right about now. When do I get to be a kid again, when will I get to go back home and just have my parents look after things. I could just worry about squeezing all the play time in before I have to go to bed. No bills, banks, falling stocks, relationships, dating, rent, taxes, elections or sucky jobs. When do I just go back to my old school, have my teachers come back, see all my friends again and we could talk about what it was like to grow up and all the hard things everyone had to do. We could all say "whew, glad that part of life is over" and just go on with being a kid again. We would all be young again, no greying hair, wrinkles forming, back pain and we could run forever without getting tired. When will my grandmother be back in her kitchen, the smell of fresh baked goods and a big smile to greet me with her "hello pet", and then later play games with us and listen intently to what a six year old had to say. Where is my grandfather to pick at us. When will my other grandmother be back at her piano to play tunes for us to sing along with. All my cousins would reunite and we could pick up where we left off with our games of tag, kick the can and red rover. Where is my dog. Who are all these old people in our neighbors houses, I want them back the way they were. I could tell some of my favourite aunts and uncles "boy I really missed you when you died during my teen years, I am so glad you are back now!" Is this crazy world going to halt soon? I would like to go back now, to when birthdays were a good thing to have, to when Christmas was magical and not stressful, to when Halloween was a fun thing to do between neighbors and not a religious conflict or candy grab. A time when ghost stories told by an older child were the gospel truth. I wish it was like the old days, when frustration built up too much you could just sit down, take a deep breath, cry out loud and someone would come and make it all better. Some days I feel I have had enough, so I am happy that it will all go back to the way it was before... any minute now.... I'll just wait here.

Fear

What are you afraid of? Reading about the recent bug attacks on Java and Birdie gave me a good smirk, but it also started me wondering about peoples fears. I was thinking about the things I am afraid of and why I feel that way. I was going to list some things but then I suddenly realized there are many levels to our fears and it would be hard to just say one or two as not all fears are the same. Fear of heights, fear of crowds, fear of snakes or fear of dying, we can't put them all on the same level.
..............Lightning & Spiders & Bears Oh My!........
I guess for me the fears left over from childhood would be these three. They are also not on the same level as some are a healthy fear and one is a bit silly. Spiders, yuck, yucky, yuck! Although I do not scream like a little girl when one jumps out from under something (@Java), they do give me the willys, I shudder without meaning to, my ears make a straining sound as if lifting something heavy when I see one. This I know is silly as one shoe smack will end all my torment. However it is not without reason, when I was younger I saw on TV, hold a spider as they can't hurt you and this way you get used to them. This I started to do and after a while I was doing okay with spiders, one day however I was outside and something was biting me under my shirt, it hurt like heck, I lifted up my shirt to see a shiny yellowish spider sticking his nasty fangs into my soft pink skin. I was shocked, they lied to me! They can hurt us! After that we have been on bad terms ever since. On another note, a friend of mine and also a boy I know of, went to a doctor with terrible pain in one ear, yes you guessed it, a spider had crawled in while they were sleeping and wanted to make a home in their ear canal, so yes it is true, it is not an urban myth it happens. My friend would never harm a spider, he always put them outside or left them alone, now however he kills any spider he see in his house, with two small children he fears one making a child deaf.

With bears, growing up in the country they were always around, they are about the only wild animal in my area of Canada that is dangerous to people, we have large wolves but it is true that 'wild' wolves will not bother people, in fact they nearly jump out of their skin to get away. Most bears are harmless, actually 98% are harmless, it is if you are unlucky enough to meet the one that wants to eat you where things go wrong. It is one of the reasons I won't sleep in a tent, won't go into deep forest alone or walk around outside in the dark. I have a respect for them and have met a few up close on occasion. The only real harm they have done to me is chase me in my dreams from the time I was a small boy until now. Always the same dream, the bear comes crashing through the woods and I run for the house, only to have my feet become heavier with each step until I can barely move up the steps to safety, then I wake up sweating, heart pounding.

Lightening, probably my one true phobia. When a storm is coming and I am outside, I am almost in a blind panic to get inside. If I am trapped out somewhere I break out in a sweat and head for cover. I feel our chances of being hit by lightening are greater than the stats they say. Lightening does not follow any guide lines and I saw some nasty results of it. It also affects how I act, I plan around things to make sure I am never stranded out somewhere if there is the possibility of a storm. To me lightening is like someone firing bullets down at the earth, if you happen to be standing in the wrong spot... well game over.

Those are concrete fears then there is a whole other level of fears, the fear of being alone, fear of growing old alone, of dying alone. The fear of failure, fear of speaking in public, of disappointing people I care about, fear of rejection. Fear of God, fear that there is no God, fear of the unknown, the fear of being a nobody. I can see why people say to start living your life without fear, it has a way of shaping the way we do live our lives and it is often not in a positive way. These are just some of the things that bother me but don't worry, they just pop into my mind, often on a sleepless night. I just want to be clear I am not hiding in a corner with my knees up to my chest quivering. I often feel I am the only one, I thought once I got older that most of these things would go away, My Dad never seemed to be afraid of stuff, if he was he never showed it. Sometimes I feel like a failure because of that, like I'm some big kid that never grew up. I am at a cross road in my life, I should be going back to school and I have the chance to do it. Fear kept me in the closet until now and I worked through that, now I need to work on the fear that is holding me back with the rest of my life because I still don't feel complete, I am still not where I am suppose to be.

He's Gay? O_O

I can't believe it! This morning I read where Clay Aiken said he is finally admitting he is gay! I mean who is next? I never saw this coming, I am just in shock! My gaydar must be broken because I never for a second thought he was gay. I guess you just never know who could be one of us!

He says he is doing it because now that he has a son, he does not want to raise him to lie or hide who he is. Good for you Clay, I hope you find someone special and can move on with your life, the life you are suppose to lead.

Speaking of idols, on the home front with 'Canadian Idol' ...and the next Canadian idol is... gay! The winner of Canadian idol is gay and even spoke about a boyfriend in one of the earlier shows. I am glad that most people either missed what he said or did not care and he won. I wanted him to win, not because he is gay but because he was my favorite, give a listen to Theo Tams and tell me what you think!

Theo beat out Mitch MacDonald who was a folk/country type singer, I did not feel Mitch should have made it to the number two spot but I still liked him, plus he is cute to look at, if you want, listen to Mitch.

Shallow

Sometimes I need to remember that this is a gay blog and to have a little fun with it, to accept and play around with my sexuality. I still feel most times that I must avert my eyes away from another man's body, as if looking at him is wrong. Even with Dave, sometimes when I go over and he is taking a shower, I feel I must look away when he steps out or I should go down stairs until he is dressed. I remind myself, no it is okay to look, to appreciate and enjoy the view so to speak. I get so tired when I hear people say, "naked men look silly and not good like a naked woman" well that is in the eye of the beholder. Straight men and even women are just not used to looking at a nude male, it is just something that is not really in the main stream media as much as nude or partly nude images of women are. To me there is a strength to the male form and I love how the muscles curve, the shoulders widen, the jaw line and of course the 'package', size matters when looking and a nice package gives that "whoa" feeling. Hey I can be shallow too! It does not always have to be about a good personality. Looking at a glance, I am never going to get to know every guy in the world anyway!

Dear Miley Ray Cyrus, you seem to be a good girl and are doing very well for yourself, (trust me this is going to get shallow) and I'm happy for you. Lately you have become a little skanky but I saw your boyfriend underwear model Justin Gaston today and sweetie I really don't blame you! If you decide that you want to become the kind of virgin that the Spears sisters were (ha) I would pass no judgement because of this vision! In fact if you were to have an accident like all the other skanks in training I would not look down on you one bit, I couldn't say 'no' to this either! No, I would not judge you at all, maybe even as long as you and the baby were healthy, I think I might even high five you, wow an underwear model, you go girl! On my final shallow note, in case you have not examined the goods yet, I see he is circumcised!

Elections, Blah!

Since Canada is having an election as well as the US, I listen to the news and ads to figure out which way I will swing my vote. I don't know about you, whether in Canada or the States, but I feel at times that no one represents me. The Left and Right just seem to argue over the stupidest things lately and no one is addressing anything that really affects my life. It seems to have become a "got you" contest or offers of promises that I know they will never keep. I blame the media for trying to make this a soap opera, who said, did, went with whom. I blame the voters for letting them run with this. We started off better up here in Canada but then the news focused for a week on a cartoon about one party leader being pooped on by a bird. None of this crap (no pun intended) will get my vote. I want to see tax relief, I want to be able to get a decent family doctor, I want to know what will be done to help the economy, I want little bastards who prey on people punished, I want to know what will be done for our boys fighting over seas, I want the border watched better, I want someone to finally admit that when the price of gas jumps ten to twenty cents over night for the same gas in the same tank as the day before.... there is certainly price fixing! Why send someone to my door with pamphlets that can't answer questions about the person they are representing, don't bother me during dinner then, the pamphlet in the mail was enough, I don't need more! I just feel that for someone who is 'middle of the road' about issues and thinks we should deal with everything using a little common sense, there is no one out there for me. I guess this is frustration speaking but as for the people who come to my door, I feel that politics has become that person's career and they mostly are focused on getting themselves into the food trough.

Caught

Many days I like to go over to Dave's house and since it is not close to me, when there I spend the night. I like his place better as he is in a nice small town. It is a little bit of a gay 'Twilight Zone' there as everyone knows Dave is gay and I am his boyfriend, so far I am always treated well.

The other evening I was out running errands and had told Dave I would not be able to come over. After I finished getting what I needed, it suddenly hit me to keep driving and head over to Dave's and surprise him. I realize now I probably should have called, it is his place but it never occurred to me that maybe I should not always just pop over when ever I feel like. When I arrived his car was there but the lights were off and it was only eight. When I went in I realized he was upstairs and since the shower was not running I wondered to myself what could he be doing up stairs. I worried that he might be sick so I went up to see if he was okay. Yes, he was in bed and no he was not alone.... when I walked up there he was, lying in bed with Toby... his cat. Seems he was really sleepy and turned in early. Yes I am a little stinker, did I get you? Did you think I would find another man? This is all true by the way and the funny thing was he was not that surprised to see me, however he was really happy I came over. Just thought I would lighten up the mood from the gloom of the last few days.

On another note, this past weekend tickets went on sale for Celine Dion in this city. Dave and I both wanted to see her as she puts on a really good show. I think her voice is one of the best female voices out there, I am not the kind of fan that follows her every move but I do like to hear her from time to time, I will agree that sometimes the radio stations play her songs over and over a little too much but that is not her fault . There is a ticket outlet near me and I went there early to get good seats as the tickets sell out in an hour sometimes. I also went early since it is a small unknown outlet to make sure they were selling her tickets, if not I would have to try on line. The guy assured me and others that "yes" he was selling the tickets but not until the set time later that morning. I brought my morning coffee with me and waited there. When the time came and he went to sell the tickets he said, "oh yeah sorry dudes, my mistake, we are not selling them here". I was so p... I mean ticked off! I scrambled to another store but they were not selling them either, then I headed home to get on line. However when I got home all the good seats were already taken and for two hundred I could sit up with the pigeons and watch her. No thanks! I was boiling, that dumb ass, how could you not know whether you are selling them or not! If he had of said no I would have come back home and tried on line, I know I would not have bought seats near the stage but I probably would have gotten good seats. Grrrr, never come between a gay man and Celine! Well so I got the guy fired! Fired! Fired! Okay not really as I would never do that to a person but in my little world he was fired and Celine sent her car to pick me up personally and apologize for the guy's actions.

Another note to beautiful Celine, she does have a gay following and they say it is because of the music and the fabulous shows. It is fitting however that she has a gay following because many people outside of Canada do not know that she wrote and sang a beautiful song in french about falling in love with a gay man. Way way back in the beginning of the 90's when being gay was still taboo in most circles. The english stations would not play the song and did not want her to make an english version. As a young gay man, I loved the song because it touched a nerve, her in love with someone that could never love her back. That was me and ever guy I had a crush on growing up, so I felt her pain. In the video it was a bit homo-erotic and the gay characters were cute, not like the way gay people had been portrayed in TV and film up to that point. By today's standards the video is tame but remember this is well before Will and Grace, Queer as Folk etc. I just remember thinking "I hope this lady does well for herself, someone who understands us and shows gay men in a positive way." I think she did do well for herself! I love the last part of the song where she basically says converting from french to english "I love him its not my fault, just the same I know, he will love me...never".

The song is called Ziggy, that is the name of the guy she falls for. You can see the video here, there is an english version but the words and meaning were changed to make it acceptable for english stations, it is not as beautiful as the french version but it would give you an idea of what she is saying. Plus check out her hooker boots!

I Don't Want To Be Mrs Roper

When I was a kid I liked to watch the show Three's Company, for those who never saw the show, there were these two characters, Mr and Mrs Roper. They were an older couple that played the landlords of the show. Mr Roper was a bit of a jerk, he liked to drool over the younger women while not treating his wife very well. Mrs Roper was a sweet lady and her beauty was on the inside, in fact looking back, she probably would be a perfect person for drag queens to copy at a gay pride parade. In the show I used to feel sorry for her character as she wanted to have a healthy sex life with her husband but being a jerk, he rejected her at every turn. Even though I was very young and had a slight grasp of what sex actually was, the game of being naked with each other and kissing looked like fun, I used to think "what is wrong with him, he does not look so hot himself anymore, when I get old if my partner wanted sex all the time, I would think that was a good thing". I was so young, I did not even realize at this time that my partner was going to be a guy, I didn't yet understand why I found the character Jack attractive and could not get why every other guy talked about the women on the show. I did know one thing however, I would not deny my partner a chance to be intimate with me.

I should say that Dave is certainly no Mr Roper, he is very kind and loving to me. We do enjoy each other's company and like I am always saying, he acts very thoughtful towards me. However I keep thinking lately of Mrs Roper, it is almost as if I knew as a young child I would end up in a situation like hers. Even last night watching a comedy on TV, the woman in the show was worried that she missed her proper moment to have sex with her boyfriend, her male friends laughed at her and said not to worry, that him being a guy, every moment was the proper time to have sex. That line would at any other time have been really funny to me, however last night it hurt.

That was one of the things I talked a lot about with Dave, I wanted to be sure that he was not being 'with' me just to keep me from leaving, I do not want to hold that over his head all the time. I do not want to place him in the position of doing something that he dislikes. He said that he wanted to try, he does not want to lose me and that he was fine with it. I need the love of a good man more than the sex, I would hate to meet someone new that was great in bed but was not as thoughtful or loving towards me. Still I don't want to end up being Mrs Roper later on in life, needing my partner and him finding ways to avoid me, that would hurt.

Dave is trying and I hope this works, I am pretty lucky when I see other people looking for the right person in terms of years, my situation is not as hard as some others trying to come out so I don't want to appear whiny here. However I can't help feeling a little sad, even though Dave is trying, he is doing it for me, he does not get a lot of enjoyment out of the act and is not interested in it. That means that he will probably be less likely to say no to me but he will never try to start anything with me. That was part of my daydreams for when I finally had a boyfriend, for him to gently wake me on a Sunday morning by starting to make love to me, to go camping or some place private and have him come onto me, to give me a sly wink on a rainy afternoon when there is nothing else to do, to just start being silly and get me down on the living room floor then turn playful wrestling into something erotic. Those daydreams will have to make way for my reality, they just won't happen and I have to stop being obsessed with them. I have to focus on other things, like when I go to his place and he lights up at the sight of me, at the fact that if he is within reach of me... he is hugging me, that I am on a pedestal in his eyes, that I feel so loved by someone other than family, that he wants to take care of me and make everything right for me, that I love him like no other in my life... ever. To give that up and walk away would almost seem stupid.

Try

After the 'talk' with Dave, I was not in a good place. I felt it was probably over for us and there was the feeling of losing someone close, similar to a death almost. Friday I spent crying over every memory that entered my head like a school girl, by the end of the day my eyes and nose were sore and I had given myself a wicked headache. The little voice in the back of my mind kept saying "so this is what a broken heart feels like." Friday evening Dave called to check up on me, he said that he thought all day about 'us' and asked if we could discuss this further over the weekend some time. I could not really talk that night so I agreed to meet some time Saturday or Sunday. It was raining Saturday and Dave again called in the after noon and asked me to come over so I did.

When I got there, we at first of course did the usual small talk but I figured no sense in beating around the bush so I asked what he thought about. He said that he just wants to see me happy, that was the most important thing for him and if that means I have to move on and find someone else to make me happy then he would understand. He said he just wants what is best for me. He also then went on to say that he thought we could work this out however, that he had often wondered about whether he should be more sexual with me and that he did not really grasp how important that part of our relationship was to me. He then cried a little and told me that he knew he loved me but did not realize how much until on Friday he thought he might lose me.

I told him it is very simple if he wants us to be together, I said we have to be more than buddies and that I want to be intimate with him. I told him that everything else about him was perfect, that I was happy with him on all other accounts, I also told him I know he loves me, I feel it from him all the time. I said it is not like I am asking him for something out of this world, that it has nothing to do with actual 'sex', it is that I need him, I need to be 'with' him. I want the connection, I told him that it is too hard having the guy I love most in the world lying next to me and not being able to touch him. I then said I am not going to apologize or feel guilty for being sexually attracted to my boyfriend, it is what is suppose to happen. I made it clear to him that I understand he has issues about sex and not to feel embarrassed with me, there is nothing to hide anymore and I love him faults and all.

He agreed to put more effort into that area of our relationship and asked me to tell him if there is a problem. He said he knew for sure this is a relationship he wants to work on keeping because of being able to talk about these issues. He said with other relationships he had, they would just argue and nothing would get solved. I know he will never be really into the intimate part of this relationship and there are some issues he can't help, but I can live with those as long as he at least tries. This way I don't feel overwhelmed as if I am entering into another life of celibacy which is something I do not want. I feel he finally gets it now, that he really heard me, we can try to work on this and see where it goes. I am not naive enough to think that all is well now, it may be okay for a while and drift back to the way it was before and that would be a signal for me to decide to stay or finally move on. The power he has over me is this, in our lives we have very few people that really love us, I mean 'really' love us. Our mothers for example or a grandparent, usually a grandmother, that is a kind of love that we just 'feel' coming from that person. When ever you find someone that gives you that kind of love you just want to be around it, Dave gives me that warm feeling, it is in his hugs, how he looks at me, kisses me and the way he says my name. That is why for this relationship we have to at least try.

Not What I Wanted

I think I should of made myself clear the other day when I wrote about Dave and the things he can do to bug me or tease me. I certainly did not set out to make him look like a bully. I sometimes receive emails asking if he is really that sweet, and actually yes he is. I just felt besides the main issue I have spoken about, I wanted to say we do have some little annoyances like all couples but honestly we get along really well. We have been together now for seven months on Wednesday. He is very affectionate with me all the time, he is also very thoughtful and that is how I know he really loves me, not just by his words, but by his actions. I can't list all the small and big things he does every day for me, but when I am around him, I am always taken care of in a way that only someone who really loves you will do. There are always little notes, favourite foods or surprises involving something that he heard me mention at one time, that I liked. He is a very kind hearted, gentle, warm man and I am very lucky to has met him. I love him so much and would never want to hurt him. That is why the conversation that we finally had last night, completely broke my heart.

I asked again about him not wanting to be with me intimately, he explained again that he never really had a desire to be intimate with anyone, he said it was part of the reason he was not really aware he is gay until much later in life. He said he finds men attractive but has almost no desire to go beyond hugging or kissing, it is the way he has always been. He said he does not understand it, he has looked into it and is healthy but has no answers. He said he often feels like a failure as a man, like he is broken, I told him not to feel that way as that is just who he is. I guess some men want it everyday and some think a few times a year is fine. I told him he should have been more clear in what he was saying to me, he often said that he was just as happy to cuddle together, I took that as him meaning he was romantic, not as that is what he prefers to nothing else. He said he tried with me, he was hoping things would be different but they turned out the same and he said he just can't fake wanting something that he doesn't want.

Sobbing like crazy by now, I told him that part of me coming out and accepting myself was to enter into a relationship with another man and being able to also enjoy sex, it is not everything to me but it is a healthy part of a relationship. He used to tell me when we first met as friends, to figure out what I want in a relationship and go from there. I told him that to me, if we take it just one day at a time I can do this for a while but it weighs heavy on my mind when I think of being in a relationship where I never get to have that part of intimacy. He then said in a very understanding tone, "this is not what you wanted" and I said no. He then asked "where does that leave us, where do we go from here". I told him that I never met anyone like him, that I love him deeply and that I never want to hurt him but we are looking for different things and I don't think I can continue in this relationship. I told him that I often think of breaking up. He said we have talked about this before but did not know how strong I felt about this, he then asked how long I felt this way and I said since the beginning of summer. I told him that is when I noticed how he never wanted to be 'with' me and that sometimes now I feel like we are just good friends.

He was very understanding and that is the hard part, if there was a problem where he was being an ass, then it would be easier to leave. He said he had hoped it would work out between us, he had figured he probably would be single for the rest of his life and had accepted that until I came along. I guess somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was losing me and it hurt to see him struggle to try and keep me happy in the only ways he knew how. He asked if he will see me this weekend and I said no. I know he will try to save this relationship but I don't want to 'make' him have sex just not to lose me, that is almost like blackmail and I would feel it was wrong. Plus how intimate could it be if he is thinking about us breaking up every time we are 'together'. We can try to work this out but one of the reasons I just can't seem to stop crying is because we all know what I should really do. As I left this morning he gave me a goodbye hug, a little extra longer than usual and whispered "I love you so much, goodbye".

Bad Disney Movie

On this sad anniversary for my neighbors to the south, I have to say that the rest of the world is watching your elections. Like it or not, what happens in the States, affects the rest of the free world. This may sound offensive to my American readers and I certainly don't mean it as disrespectful because the US is one of the few countries I would want to live in other than Canada, however I feel that most Americans still don't "get it". Meaning that with all that is going on in this world and the threat that is out there directed right at you, I still keep seeing the same stories over and over of Americans debating about Palin's daughter, that Obama is black, who slept with whom and even the gay marriage issue I think may be being used as a distraction. I think if I was an old man and my campaign was running low on steam, I would add in a hockey mom from the sticks to speak to the average couch potato with the added controversy of her not supporting sex education and having a pregnant daughter. Just think however, if McCain kicks the bucket, Palin represents you on the world stage, hockey mom versus suicide extremists, nice. As your neighbour to the north, you could forgive me for being concerned. Today I saw a news clip of the actor Matt Damon and I think he expressed this well, I am not a fan of actors telling people how to vote but he does give a person something to think about, especially the part about Palin having the nuclear codes to the most destructive force on earth. See Matt here.

Annoyance

Since I often blog that Dave and I get along pretty good with the exception of the 'no nookie' problem, there are however two things that he does that really set me off. He does not understand why I get angry but he is learning not to do them around me. For the straight women that read my blog, see we have to 'train' our boyfriends as well!

The one main thing I hate is, when we are out at a function with people I know or that he knows, he will make sexual jokes about us. Not vulgar as he is decent with his language, more like innuendo, as if we are going at it all the time like rabbits and also as if he is some kind of stud that is after me every chance he gets. First off, even if that were true, we were both raised that this kind of talk is wrong, our private life should be kept private. He does not do this all the time but enough to make me angry and threaten him to stop it or I would have to correct his misinformation, that usually makes him quiet in seconds. I think that is the sting for me, I hurt because we don't have a healthy relationship sex wise but I love him so I make the best of it and take it day by day. Then for him to try and embarrass me (and I know it is just teasing) by telling people that "he always keeps me busy all night long" only adds salt to the wound. I cringe if any guy says this about his partner, gay or straight, I think it is immature and I just hate it when he does it. Like I said, he is learning but every now and then I have to scold my little (6'3) boy. It also shows me that deep down he knows that is the way we are suppose to be, so whether he admits it out loud or not, he knows this is not a normal relationship.

The other thing that bugs me is when we are out at a fair or event in the country. We both come from Farm/country life and eventually we often find people that know both families. The odd thing about the farming community is that it has it's own second world where events are held that people from the city are not even aware of. This leads to farmers, hobby farmers, horse enthusiasts, loggers and some truckers knowing or knowing of each other for miles and miles around. Some times when we are out at these events, Dave likes to tease me. This is one of the last crowds where being gay is still not accepted, plus I am not out to a lot of my family. Dave will tickle me or put his hand on my knee or ask for a kiss just to get me flustered. I don't find it a bit funny, it makes me very uncomfortable, I don't want to be outed by someone telling my parents that they saw me flirting with a guy at a fair. Just to be clear, even if I was straight, I am not the kind of guy that would be hanging all over his girlfriend just to show off the relationship in public. That is the other hypocritical thing about this, Dave does not act this way around his family. Even though they all know and have made me feel very welcomed, he does not try to kiss me in front of his Dad or brothers. If he was affectionate all the time in public I could understand. Like I said, I get very uncomfortable in these situations, he will even say out loud "see that cowboy on the brown horse, oh wow is he ever cute in those tight jeans" and it just floors me because he does not act like that at other times, he has even complained about other gay people being disrespectful by doing this. I know he is doing this to get a rise out of me but the danger is this, most times in a city or town setting people will not do anything if they discover you are gay and have a problem with it, however if there was ever a time that you could be followed out back to the potty and get a punch in the mouth just for being gay, this is one of those times. Some of the 'good' people might feel it was their duty to keep one of those gays away from their events.

I believe we should live free but I also believe we still need to be careful. It would be nice if we could hold hands anywhere but that is just not the case yet. Any way more 'training' needed but I love the guy so what can I do.

I Don't 'Feel' Gay

Strange but one of the advantages to coming out has changed the way I see myself these days. In keeping with the thoughts of my last post, I find it ironic that the more I become involved with living a 'gay' life true to myself, the less I feel gay. Over the last ten years I felt very gay, it took up a lot of my free thoughts, everything I did in a social setting reminded me that I am gay. I could be at a BBQ and all I could think about was, "if these people knew I am gay what would they do", "look at the couples and I'm single because I'm gay," or "gay man eating a hot-dog talking to the straight people." I had always said I did not want my homosexuality to become who I was but looking back I had let it, only not in the way I was afraid of.

These days the ironic thing is that I often forget about 'being gay' I don't 'feel gay', I just feel like me again, Steven who happens to be dating a man. That is what I have always wanted and it is funny that the way for me to feel less stressed about my sexuality was to embrace it. There are still situations where I am keeping it under wraps and oddly they catch me off guard, now it is not so much of a panic feeling as it is me saying to myself, "oh yeah must pretend to be straight now" and actually I am less likely to pretend straight as I feel it is dishonest, more likely I will be evasive of my personal life. If I stay quiet on the subject it is more from me not wanting to cause conflict, than from feeling ashamed and embarrassed of being gay like I was before. I still have a lot to work on but at least now I don't think "gay man walking into mall to buy shoes."

No Big Deal

These last two weeks we finally are having our summer, ironic to be having it in September but with all the rain and cold weather we are ready to take anything we can get. With sun filled days, blue skies and temperatures in the high 80's I was back out at my parents place, again working away in the sunshine. As I said before, there is a peacefulness to working out doors and being a part of the whole cycle of life, growing things, working with the weather, the earth, nature. I often find my thoughts are cleared of the day to day stress of life and it gives me a chance to try and see the bigger picture, where and how I fit in with society and in this crazy world.

I was thinking about the gay issue, how it seems to be so huge to some people and a thought suddenly hit me. It was more like that little voice in the back of a person's head speaking and I clearly heard the thought "being gay is not a big issue, it is nothing really, just some people make it an issue" and I feel that is the truth. Being gay is only a big deal to the people who can't accept it or don't understand it, some people may go into panic mode when they find out one of their neighbors or a school teacher is gay. If they thought about it, they probably liked and respected that person for years so just because they know now, what difference does it make... none, it is only in the person's mind. I know some of the other blog writers who have been out for years have been trying to say this to me and I'm finally getting it. To me, my attraction to men was almost a hidden weakness or character flaw that I felt must be kept from everyone else, I saw it as a huge wall that I someday had to figure out a way of climbing over. Now I see it as part of who I am and will let others see it as a wall, if they want to burden themselves with such a narrow thought. I also see now that I made a huge deal out of something that was never really there, most people just did not give a second thought to the fact I'm gay. I think people have their own busy lives and as long as I don't cause them harm, they really don't care who I date. There is still the older generation that often can't accept it and I am understanding of their situation but as for younger people who use religion or whatever to try and keep me down, your tricks just don't work on me anymore. I understand now that you never really cared about my well being, it was more about power, control, your view on life and how to make others follow your views.

In the cool evenings, sometimes when I was younger, I used to like to go for walks through the fields and sit down on a rock and just watch the cows grazing. It to me can be calming like watching fish in a tank swimming or the glow of a fireplace. They make a rhythmic munching sound and it makes a person think that this is real life, they don't care if I am gay, only if I am going to give them salt or grain treats, like the rest of the world, who I love has no affect on them. Once I said to them out loud, "hey girls I'm gay" there was no reaction, no cow gasps, no heads up, and no stampeding off to get away from the gay guy. I said it out loud again, maybe practice for humans later on, "I'm gay, I like guys" one looked at me and then went back to her grazing as if to say "shh, you are breaking the silence" or maybe she thought I said "hay" either way it showed me I could say it out loud and the sky would not fall. I turned to the dog we had at the time, running around, tail wagging checking things out and asked "do you care if I'm gay?" She can running over like a cannon ball and into my lap, happy for the attention, I'm sure if she could have spoken it would have been something like "don't know about this gay thing but as long as you pet me and give me cookies we're good, now come over here and help me get this squirrel out of these bushes!"

That is the way it should be for people as well, I think someday it will mostly be that way for gay people in the western countries. For now I will keep reminding myself not to let people make an issue out of this and honestly I have been lucky so far, the people that have found out so far think me being gay is just that, no big deal.

Umm Just Stuff

Some times I receive emails asking how are things in my relationship and did Dave and I work things out. Well no, not really nothing has changed in the no nookie department, I guess you could say things are worse if you want to judge it that way. For now it is the duck in the room, I don't consider it the elephant in the corner as people say, just a little odd tension that is there between us, not huge to me so maybe as odd as a duck in your living room. Now that I understand this is just the way Dave is, I am not as upset as when I thought there was a problem with me and that he no longer was interested in me. I know he loves me and shows me in his way and for now I am good with those expressions of love. I also love him deeply so there is no way at the moment I could just walk away from this.

On another note, this past weekend the movie Broke Back Mountain was on one of the french channels (french Canadians are way more cool and open than english Canadians) and I watched part of it, I stopped watching because it seemed to hit harder this time around. I stopped because I want to watch the full movie again on DVD. Some of you may remember I blogged about finally seeing it about seven months ago, however at that time I had not met Dave yet and I suspect it was harder this time because I could relate more to the characters now that I am in a relationship. I guess I could feel the angst and loneliness more at the thought of being separated from Dave. I asked Dave to watch it again with me sometime soon, also because he cries much more easily at movies and I want to tease the crap out of him. Also funny is when my Dad saw the previews, again he said he wants to see the movie, I guess I could just fast forward the tent scene for him but I think he would probably enjoy most of the movie.

I don't know about you, and I mean 'you' as in a fellow gay man, or woman, but I love to hear about 'family' doing well. Meaning a gay couple marry and have a happy life, a gay person start a business and it thrives or someone has a gay kid and the parents are behind their child 100%. Dave knows a gay couple that have been together for years, he is not close friends with them but does know them fairly well and has done business with them. A few years ago they decided to try and adopt to complete their family, they were given twin boys. The boys had been bounced around foster homes because they had learning difficulties and a lot of people only want perfect children with no flaws. They formed a family out of little people who needed love and big people who wanted to give love. The boys did very well, the men threw resources behind the boys as in one becoming a mostly stay home Dad plus getting tutors to help them catch up with school. I loved when Dave would tell me about this family, sometimes I would think of Dave and I as gay parents and wondered what that would be like. I never had the chance to meet them yet but Dave often speaks highly of them. Last spring one Dad was diagnosed with cancer and had to go in for an operation. He seemed to be recovering until Dave was told today that things turned for the worse and he passed away. I never met them but I feel so sad inside, it is just not fair. The boys finally were given a home with people who love them only to have their security shattered, the extra sting for them would be it was the stay at home Father so there was probably an extra bond with him. I can't also help feeling so sorry for the Dad left behind, he will really have his hands full now with trying to take care of the boys and the one person he could lean on the most in rough times, is gone. It is moments like these when I can be thankful for the things I had growing up, when I see how life can turn so cruel on others, like two little boys in need who this week, had their hearts broken.