I have suddenly found myself in an ironic double life. I used to be this quiet shy straight guy that just had not found the right woman yet. That was how everyone knew me, they did not know about my being gay, having friends on the net, searching for the strength to change or the courage to come out. No one knew I had a boyfriend for a short time in my twenties, it was a secret world only in my head mostly, the straight life was the one I was leading. Now however it has become reversed. To my friends I am a gay man, to my sister I am a gay man. To some new friends that I have made, they have always known me as a gay man. To Dave I am his boyfriend, to his friends, family and clients I am the guy dating him, again to them I have always been gay. I am beginning to feel comfortable with this, it feels like where I should be.
The reverse to my life happens now when I go to visit my parents. There I am the straight guy again, the proper son, and I am not comfortable in that role any more. I recall the childhood days when winter would come, the coats and sweaters that I wore the year before no longer fit me, I had out grown them. No matter how much I tugged at the jacket it would ride up my sleeves or expose my stomach to the cold. The straight role does not fit me any more and I feel my parents don't really know their son. I had borrowed the movie Broke Back from Dan, as I mentioned before, my Dad had said that he wants to see the movie, mainly because he loves cowboy movies. I thought I would play it and maybe open up a discussion about gay people, how we don't choose this, that it is part of who we are. I did not show it to them however as my Mom reminded how hard they can be on people.
As I walked into the kitchen, my Mom said 'take a look at this' and threw down some pictures in disgust. I looked at the pictures to see my very pretty cousin, her handsome fiance and their cute as a bug baby. They are distant cousins so we do not keep in contact with them. I was surprised by the baby, the plan was over a year ago they were to be married but they had an oops-baby and so had to stop the wedding as she was due at the same time. They will resume plans and wed in June. Mom was disgusted, she said 'will that family never learn, that is terrible'. I said for Mom to step back a little, first they planed long before the baby came to get married so it was not like a shot gun wedding, second they are to be married this spring, third is was not perfect but they will end it well. The family is cute, they are both educated adults, doing well for themselves, down to earth and generally really nice people. I said most couples are doing the same thing only they got caught. Really, no one is having kids any more so it is actually exciting to see a baby in the family. Mom would just not see it that way, she insisted that it was horrible, they were filth for letting this happen, it was an embarrassment to the family and I suddenly knew that I would never be able to tell her. She was not always this hard on people, hard but not like now. As my parents get older they are becoming less and less reasonable, I always figure they worked hard all their lives, were good parents to us, so I don't argue anymore. I want then to glide into their final years happy. I am at a loss as what to do, Dave is very understanding. For now I will leave it but there may come a time when I want to move in with Dave and then it will be pretty plain what is happening. There is also going to be the day when one of my new friends that knows me as a gay person, will turn out to be related to someone that knows my parents, with small towns and huge families, that always happens sooner or later.
Ironic how the role is now reversed, for a day or two I am a straight guy again and I find it sad that my parents don't know the life I lead now, because this is the one that finally makes me happy.