Last week Dave and I were watching a movie together, during a boring part of the film my mind wandered off and I began to realize the awesome moment I was having. Here we were, lying on his couch together, me leaning back on him, wrapped in his arms. It was a little overwhelming for a few minutes and I actually had to concentrate to not tear up over it. How did I finally get here, what led me to take the steps and follow the path I was so afraid of.
Two years ago I was so lost, I would not even say the words "I am gay" out loud in case they began to travel on their own, getting louder and louder until the entire world would hear them. I did everything I could to play the part, the straight guy part that is. If I screwed up then I knew for sure it would be on the front page of the local paper, after that no one would talk to me, I would lose all my family and friends and life would pretty much be over. I felt sick inside, I was ashamed of being gay but no matter how long I waited, prayed or tried to forget about it, my being gay would not go away. I decided to go the other way, to try and accept it but I just did not know how to go about it. I felt a huge disconnect to the gay community, or as I know now, the louder part of the gay community that the media likes to show so that it can rake in viewers and readers. At the time I was not aware of the many other sides to the gay community, the many places for everyone to fit into. I have passed two mile stones in the last month that I want to share with you, two very important mile stones that really helped me get here.
When I first was trying to find out about gay life, everything seemed to lead me either to safe sex articles or gay porn. I wanted more out of gay life than just sex, I wanted to feel whole, completed in some way, I wanted a relationship. Flipping through gay sites one day I happen to come upon a gay blog, I sort of knew what a blog was and there were video clips of this person's life with his boyfriend. I opened one clip and was blown away by it, there was no porn, the guys seemed very normal, both were actually very handsome but the thing that really got to me was how they interacted with each other. I could see they were in love, they were joking around, doing something so normal as dipping cookies into peanut butter and ending the clip with trying to get it onto each other by kissing. Just two guys playing around and I just sat there soaking it all in. I thought that is what I want in life, to come home to someone who loves me, talk about our day, play around, be a couple, a loving couple and sex would just be an added bonus to this kind of relationship, not the main pillar to it. I began to read and follow this person's blog. I was very interested in his stories about his relationship, about his life. One day feeling very alone I sent him an email, as soon as I hit 'send' I regretted sending it, what if he thought I was pathetic, what if he said I was spineless for being in the closet, what if he thought I was letting other gay people down by hiding.
The reply I received was so welcoming, so understanding, so open and he made me feel at ease right away. He was extremely kind and I finally felt that I had started a connection with some one in the gay world. It was also safe for me, he was miles away and he never asked me for any information, he was very respectful to my situation. He was much younger than me but was wise beyond his years. I found a great sounding board to bounce ideas off of. Last week it had been two years since I first contacted him. I will forever be grateful for his blog friendship and I can't tell you how much this kid helped me get onto my right path. Some days now I feel bad about all the times I wrote to him because of a self caused crisis, when he had his own problems to solve, but he was always ready with a reply to help me work out my thoughts. Things may not be working out for him the way he would like at the moment, but I hope soon they will turn around as I will always have a soft spot him.
The second event was a one year mark of a friendship I made that is very important to me. I met him through his blog as well, we were in the exact same place in life and it was so good to find someone to be confused together with. We emailed and chatted everyday and eventually I began to feel good about being gay, I kept thinking if a good guy like him is gay, then it must be okay for me to be gay as well. It helped a lot to find we had the same fears, doubts and questions. We laughed about things that we both found gross about gay culture/sex and talked about wanting romance in a relationship. This friendship gave me the strength to feel good about who I am, to start to come out, to start a blog of my own, to move on and meet people, to finally find the right guy, to the relationship I am in today. I consider him as close to me as my real world friends like Eric, B or Elly, I will never let this friendship go, I love my blog buddy!
I have made many friends through my blog and you know who you are, you are all important to me, many of you have helped me greatly and often you got panicked emails from me from time to time, I have found each of you has a special gift to offer me from advise to humour so I don't want to make anyone feel left out. I did want to acknowledge these two 'blog friend anniversaries' mostly because through their support they really helped me feel comfortable enough to let me become me, and that started Steven on his path, to finally end up watching a movie in the arms of a great guy.
Okay who are these guys? I feel kind of bad bringing up their names since I did not warn them but I want the blog world to know I am so thankful for their friendships, thank you guys.
1) The BRAT who first had to put up with my ignorance and being afraid of my own gay shadow, but helped me so much!
2) My BUDDY who secretly helped me plot against the straight world and shared in the feeling that we were hovering between the two realities!