Coming out, making gay friends, starting relationships, these all are things that I am trying to do. It is like working on a book but I have to jump between chapters and write them at the same time instead of in sequence. Last night I finally finished one of the chapters of my gay life, that is coming out to my close friends. I only had one close friend left to tell (Elly), it is still very hard to tell people and I thought I would just get it over with. I always felt bad telling her half truths as she is always trying to get me to go out on dates.
I called her last night and we did the usual, talking about family, friends and work. Then she brought up the subject, she noticed I was not home a lot and wanted to know who the girl was. I told her that is what I was calling about and I needed to tell her something. She could tell by my voice something was wrong and assured me that I could tell her anything.
Me, "I am seeing someone, you are right about that."
Elly, "Okay, you can trust me, tell me about this girl."
Me, "Well actually it is not a girl I am seeing."
Elly suddenly whispers, "its a guy!"
Elly, "Wow, okay."
Me, "So did you kind of already know?"
Elly, "No! Not at all, I would never have thought that in a million years, no I never thought that about you. I always thought you were just really old fashioned and shy."(Laughs)
Me, "Well actually I am old fashioned, just gay too!" We both laugh.
Elly, "Thank you for telling me this, I appreciate you trusting me, I'm just wondering why did you feel that you needed to tell me?"
Me, "I wanted my close friends to know, I feel like I have been lying to you guys whenever you ask about whether I am dating or not."
Elly, "Oh, okay thank you, I understand, I am your friend, I will be a good friend to you."
Me, "Whew, that is good to know."
Elly, "Of course, you know me, I have an open mind, Wow you little brat, you have been hiding this from me all this time!" (Laughs)
She asks all about Dave, how we met etc and says she would like to meet him some day. She wants to know who else in our group of friends knows, so I tell her. I can tell that she is quite startled by the news but is doing her best to support me. Later she sends me a really sweet email. That is it then, all my close friends know now and with telling her, it is the closing of the final chapter on that part of my coming out, strangely I feel a little sad, like my secret that I held for so long, was like an old friend that I had to let go. I still have friends to tell that are in what I call my sub-group, people not so close to me but that I hang out with from time to time, it is not so big of a deal if one of them rejects me as they play a smaller part in my life. Some of them actually know as well, they began to suspect and I knew I could trust them as they already had close gay friends or family members.
I want to give this relationship my all and I feel that by denying Dave to people is betraying Dave and how can you betray someone that you are suppose to love as much as family. Dave is actually very understanding about my not being totally out. He tells me to just roll with each situation and he will go along with what ever feels comfortable for me. Since Dave is out to most people, I feel it is wrong to ask him to go back into the closet, so that is why I am working on coming out, because I can't do that to him and honestly I love having him as my boyfriend so much, that I want the world to know.