Friday, February 29, 2008

Next Chapter

Coming out, making gay friends, starting relationships, these all are things that I am trying to do. It is like working on a book but I have to jump between chapters and write them at the same time instead of in sequence. Last night I finally finished one of the chapters of my gay life, that is coming out to my close friends. I only had one close friend left to tell (Elly), it is still very hard to tell people and I thought I would just get it over with. I always felt bad telling her half truths as she is always trying to get me to go out on dates.

I called her last night and we did the usual, talking about family, friends and work. Then she brought up the subject, she noticed I was not home a lot and wanted to know who the girl was. I told her that is what I was calling about and I needed to tell her something. She could tell by my voice something was wrong and assured me that I could tell her anything.

Me, "I am seeing someone, you are right about that."
Elly, "Okay, you can trust me, tell me about this girl."
Me, "Well actually it is not a girl I am seeing."
Elly suddenly whispers, "its a guy!"
Me, "Yes."
Elly, "Wow, okay."
Me, "So did you kind of already know?"
Elly, "No! Not at all, I would never have thought that in a million years, no I never thought that about you. I always thought you were just really old fashioned and shy."(Laughs)
Me, "Well actually I am old fashioned, just gay too!" We both laugh.
Elly, "Thank you for telling me this, I appreciate you trusting me, I'm just wondering why did you feel that you needed to tell me?"
Me, "I wanted my close friends to know, I feel like I have been lying to you guys whenever you ask about whether I am dating or not."
Elly, "Oh, okay thank you, I understand, I am your friend, I will be a good friend to you."
Me, "Whew, that is good to know."
Elly, "Of course, you know me, I have an open mind, Wow you little brat, you have been hiding this from me all this time!" (Laughs)

She asks all about Dave, how we met etc and says she would like to meet him some day. She wants to know who else in our group of friends knows, so I tell her. I can tell that she is quite startled by the news but is doing her best to support me. Later she sends me a really sweet email. That is it then, all my close friends know now and with telling her, it is the closing of the final chapter on that part of my coming out, strangely I feel a little sad, like my secret that I held for so long, was like an old friend that I had to let go. I still have friends to tell that are in what I call my sub-group, people not so close to me but that I hang out with from time to time, it is not so big of a deal if one of them rejects me as they play a smaller part in my life. Some of them actually know as well, they began to suspect and I knew I could trust them as they already had close gay friends or family members.

I want to give this relationship my all and I feel that by denying Dave to people is betraying Dave and how can you betray someone that you are suppose to love as much as family. Dave is actually very understanding about my not being totally out. He tells me to just roll with each situation and he will go along with what ever feels comfortable for me. Since Dave is out to most people, I feel it is wrong to ask him to go back into the closet, so that is why I am working on coming out, because I can't do that to him and honestly I love having him as my boyfriend so much, that I want the world to know.


Creative Thinker said...

Congratulations!!! You have made a HUGE step. I am so proud of you!

Steven said...

Congrats, Steven! It's a good thing that Elly didn't ask, "Why am I always the last to know?" ;-) And it's admirable what you said about denying David the opportunity to meet your friends, your "extended family" because you weren't out. Now that won't happen. Have a fantabulous weekend!

danny/ink2metal said...

good gawd, steven! i love how you are sharing this incredible journey.

i feel so jaded and cynical because it's been so long since i had to go through what you are going through now. and it makes me happy to know that your life is finding balance.

so good on you. enjoy it!

Java said...

Did you think when you started this coming out process that it would be like this or take this long?
Congratulations! Over just 2 or 3 months I've seen you make tremendous strides in living openly and honestly about who you are. You've probably learned a few things about yourself in the process.

Steve said...

This sounds very good!

Who would have thought a couple of months ago that you would make such big steps in just a few months? I guess you did not!

Birdie said...

You have made astonishing progress in such a short time! You have taken so many steps in this new journey. I think the only things we truly regret are those things we did NOT do.

Facing your fears head-on takes guts, but it is the only way to make the fear eventually go away. Wow. Kudos to you, Steven. You are a great example to all of us, that it's never too late to grow and go for what you want and need. Thank you for taking us with you.

We all still look forward to hearing your stories, especially now. It is a joy to read your blog.

Jess said...

It does feel good, doesn't it? That feeling of being able to finally be true to yourself? Good for you! In the end, it makes life a lot easier!

john said...

I'm so glad you finally told her. I know that you were having issues with holding back from her. You are so courageous.

Wayne said...

Steven, it sounds like your baby steps are turning into a full fledge run!
So good for you!

Topher said...

Yay!! I'm really glad things are going great for you. I'm glad you have found Dave, such an understanding guy about your situation.

It's a great feeling isn't it? To be able to just be you and not having to put a mask anymore. Sometimes it's still necessary, though I guess it's not so much a mask, but choosing the people we open up to completely.

Signing off with a happy face :)

Will said...

You obviously have great people as friends as they're right on board with you as you progress in coming out.

Now, this is NOT to scare you, but I think all of us find that coming out is a process that's never completed. There's a new doctor, or you change jobs, or you move, or, or, or. there are always new people to clue in to who you really are.

BUT, it just becomes easier and easier and soon begins to feel totally natural. Go, Steven!

Bill said...

The little bit of sadness you feel over coming out is about 'control.' You won't miss it for long when you focus on your new freedom to be the man God always meant for you to be.

K said...

Congrats buddy!

Everything is shaping up so well for you!

Anonymous said...

It's the weirdest thing, coming out. I probably live in the gay-friendliest country in the world, but that didn't matter to me... It just took time for me to accept myself and be open and honest about who I was.
Anywho: congrats Steven! On coming out and on having a great Blog! Can't wait to read more soon.
Greetings from the Dutch Delegation!

Alex said...

Very good news. Congratulations!