What's the secret code?

 I sometimes wonder if there is a hidden code when it comes to meeting people on line. Like fishing rods setup and left in the water, I do leave my profile up as bait, well I am trying to catch me a man, lol. I have made a couple of friends online over the years but as far as actually meeting that special someone, I have given up hope regarding online. I feel Debra is correct in that I will meet someone through a club etc.

 Every now and then, I get a message that seems authentic, as opposed to a caveman online version of a mating grunt. The message will say something friendly or positive like, "hi there, I liked your profile, would you be interested in grabbing a coffee or a drink sometime?" Happy at the prospect of making a new friend,  boyfriend, friend with benefits or whatever, I reply back with something like, "hello back, I liked your profile as well, coffee sounds great, let me know what day works for you and where?"

 Then I wait... then I wait... then I wait... nothing... crickets. Sometimes I send a little reminder but in a polite way like, "Pierre's cafe has some of the best coffee in the city". Then I wait... then I wait... then I wait.... nothing. By the third day I know that they are never going to answer. Some sites I  can see they have been on since we last spoke and they are purposely avoiding me.

 I don't get it, is there a hidden code that I don't know about? Have I said the wrong thing? Is there a secret language I'm supposed to be using, Gayanese? Homoslavia? Please tell me because I'm confused.. as this has happened four times to me in the last week. Maybe when they say let's go for coffee, I'm supposed to answer with, "okay sure, let's handcuff each other in a bathtub of green jello while wearing leather harnesses"! I expect these responses from the profiles that seem a little too direct and slightly cold but it's surprising (and slightly hurtful) from the ones that seem thoughtful and well written. I'm starting to think one of the responses I am supposed to give is, "no, please don't confuse me, I'm a straight guy" that seems to get their interest.

  Password? Code? Hidden meaning? I don't know, it just seems that I'm answering in english but it must get translated somehow into "run away from this guy"!

Me is good!

 My internet at the farm is spotty this weekend plus I'm up to some other things so all is good, I didn't fall into a case of the gloomies because of my last post. :D Hi Lurky sweetie, you really do care... lol.

 Ugh.... October first this coming week, fall is definitely a runaway train now! I don't really have time to blog so since it's almost October, here is a Halloween joke, I have to tell it or I will forget it.

 A ghost walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "What? Are you here to try and scare me?"
The ghost answers back, "no, no don't worry friend, I'm just here for the boos."

 Blame Debra, she started it! XD

Kicking the Bucket.

 As I go happily skipping towards my death, I feel that I should be prepared for my big moment. There, how's that for trying to stay positive about dying. It's uncanny how sixpence's blog and my blog intersect regarding topics. Yesterday while sexy-six was posting about midlife crisis, my lawyer was putting the final touches on my will. Now don't panic, I haven't been given six weeks to live or something like that but I felt it necessary to protect my sister should something happen.

 Sixpence talked about midlife crisis, I don't think I've had a "crisis" but I've had my awakenings. The first was when a close friend's brother died, he was 36 and I was 37. He got up one Sunday morning and went to shave, then he dropped dead. That shocked me and I suddenly realized that I never lived life. I never really dated, I didn't know what it was like to be in love, nobody knew the real Steven, my life was a half lived life.

 A few years later, I was slightly down when I turned forty, I did have a feeling of time running out. However I soon grew to love being in my forties. There was a sense of being sure of myself, I was getting comfortable with my homosexuality, I met Dan, I felt healthy, I still felt young, life was good. Even after losing dad, I was ok with life in general age wise. I also think there is something biological there as well, people talk about guys in their forties being promiscuous. I call it my horny forties, I was a lot more active and randy in my forties than I ever was in my thirties. I remember feeling like my sex drive was in overdrive. I sometimes think there is a hidden hormone that triggers men to try and spread their genetics around one last time before it's too late.

 Then came fff, fffii, fifty (say whaaat) I find now however I do have that feeling of time running out. I'm not being hysterical in a midlife crisis, I'm being realistic, my father's side of the family has strong killer cancer genes, most of his brothers and sisters started dropping like flies at 50, like his aunts and uncles did, it finally got him as well. I have to be aware of that. I remember when the Doctor told him he was going to die, he said, "I knew that I wouldn't live forever but I didn't think I would go this soon".  As I wind my way towards his age, I understand those words more and more, poor dad, there was nothing I could say in that moment.

 I find time has finally caught up to me, I got away with it for most of my life but now I'm falling apart. I have not been well back and forth since last fall to be honest, I just don't like to talk about it, maybe nothing, maybe something. I see the guys my age at work, getting cancer, having heart attacks and some of those are the healthy ones, I know it's still a lottery but the odds are starting to build against me and I can't shake that.

 The last big moment for me was when I placed mom into a nursing home. That was another wake up call, more like a wake-up shouting and screaming. I was 49 (when did that happen) and suddenly felt alone and that I was at the end. When I turned 50 (wtf) I stopped blogging, some of you were sending me emails wondering if I was alright, I couldn't tell you how depressed I had become. I would blog about other things. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to be in my 50s... like I did something wrong, that's why I never really mentioned it until now. Well actually society views older people like second class citizens, the older you get, the less value you have. I don't want to be in this group but it's not a choice I get to make. The day of my birthday, I felt like I stepped through a door and it slammed shut behind me. That my youth was on the other side, something I can never return to. I felt.. instead of thinking about plans for the future, now I have to start think about winding down.

 I had a bit of a rebound, at 50 not much seemed to have changed, I started to believe that crap about age being just a number (garbage that clueless young people say); however that didn't hold. I have no choice, I pulled out my mantra of "learn to accept, learn to accept". I understand now why a lot of older people seem grumpy. The lawyer said to me yesterday as we discussed things like me being terminally ill, suffering, dying, beyond hope of recovery etc, "I'm sorry to have to be so gloomy". I told him the truth is that I deal with these decisions all the time now because of mom so I'm actually used to them. Also I told him that I sometimes was getting stressed about what would happen if I was hurt etc, the government would try to step in and they couldn't run their finger up their nose without putting an eye out. This way things are on my terms and my sister is protected from government interference, so the will gives me peace of mind.

 I didn't get to finish the lecture yet on sixpence's blog, the man is a little slow at getting his point across. I'm hoping for something inspirational because I could use some right now.

Tomato overload!

 Last year I didn't have a lot of tomatoes, due to the new owners of the local greenhouse mislabeling the plants and they turned out to be Roma tomatoes, a small cooking type of tomato and the yield was no good. This year I got five plants, Early Girl, Beef Steak and Golden Boy, spring was delayed as it was cold into June but soon it was a perfect year for them. We haven't had any frost yet and I'm still getting a lot from the garden. The only thing now is.. I'm sick of tomatoes! I have eaten them sliced, in salads, put them on pizza, made all kinds of pasta sauce, made dozens of my favorite tomato/onion/spinach sandwiches, gave them to friends, and almost everything I can think of!

 I have a laundry basket full...

 Tomatoes on my countertop!

 Plus I still have green tomatoes outside!

 I also have a lot of green peppers, I personally find they only really taste good in salads or stir fry, so I only bought three plants this year. Two plants produced a lot of nice big peppers and one plant didn't have one single pepper. Gardening can be strange like that.

 Fortunately the tomato plants seemed to have stopped producing more tomatoes, the plants are ripening the green fruit that is already on and that's fine with me. This way, I also don't have to bring them all in. It's supposed to rain all week and be warm (no frost), which is good because I need more time to buy extra Tupperware to freeze spaghetti sauce in. Tomato anyone?

Good to the last.. aaah!

 Customer: Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?

 Waiter: It appears to be doing the backstroke sir.

 Baah dump dum!

 Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

 Waiter: Shhhh Madame. Keep it down!

 Customer: Well in about three seconds I don't think I will be keeping anything down!

 The past week as I said yesterday, has been perfect weather wise. Sunny, warm but no humidity, slightly warmer than normal but not way above normal, just beautiful. One draw back of the warmer weather for this area however, is a little pest called cluster flies. They look identical to a house fly but in the fall they seek a warm place to hide out for the winter. This year had been okay fly wise. It turned cold at the end of August so they were caught off guard. The problem when it turns sunny and warm again is that they realize time is running out and that wherever they hid before isn't probably good enough for winter. This causes them to come by the hundreds to get into your house by any means. It's practically impossible to stop them, you just have to prepare for battle.

 Once inside they tend to crawl into everything. This morning just as I was finishing enjoying my cup of coffee, I felt something in my mouth. Yes.. it was.. a fly. Ugh, gag, blah, yuck, ick, yuck, gross, I'm going to be sick. I don't know how that happened because I made my coffee and started drinking it. Either it crawled into the kettle and I was drinking boiled coffee flavored fly soup or it dived in when I turned my back to put the milk in the fridge. Let me just say that a large drowned fly in your mouth... feels exactly like you would imagine it feels.

 The result of this is I can't eat today. Everything makes me want to gag, I used a lot of mouth wash but it's no use, I imagine all the little fly hairs that I swallowed, maybe even a leg... or two. Trying to eat my cereal, I kept having to check for raisons that shouldn't be in there. I'm pulling out the sticky fly paper, die you filthy little bug-gers die!

Because this is a farm.

 This past week has been unbelievably beautiful. A solid week of nothing but sunshine and warm weather. Our second mini summer so to speak. It allowed me to get a lot of things done before winter comes. Is today the first day of fall or tomorrow? Doesn't matter, September first is the beginning of fall for me.

 I haven't been to any auctions or much of anything regarding country life this year. I haven't really missed the animals, there were a few days I did but not many. Today I went to a small animal auction. My intention was to maybe pick up some rabbits or something. I feel a farm should have some kind of animal other than my old cat.

 There were a few things I liked but they went really high in price so I stopped bidding. I mostly went because I love a good auction. Near the end of the sale, a box with three chicks came up and nobody was bidding. I could tell two were males and the other was not so clear, so I bought them.

 Meet the new cast of characters. A box of chicks for a gay man.. Chick-fil-gay?

 Unfortunately when I took them out of the box, I realized all three chicks were roosters. Anyway that doesn't matter, I just want them to look at, I only paid $1 for each of them. I got them because this is a farm and a farm should have something running around, people look at you funny when you tell them there are no animals here. At least now I can say yes. Once the garden is completely finished, I'm going to let them run around in there during the day. It's fenced so nothing can get to them.

  I went in this evening to put some tools away in the barn, it was nice to heard some little noises instead of the deafening silence.

Worthless Opinions.

  A straight friend of mine stopped in the other day for a chat. He is a few years older than me, a super nice guy, in fact if a little fairy godfather hovered down from the rainbow and asked me what kind of man I wanted, I would say a gay version of Fred. I was surprised to learn a few years ago from his mother, that Fred suffers from depression and break downs. I was completely shocked, he seems so calm, a down to earth type of person. I had no idea.

  He was talking about it with me the other day, he sheepishly admitted to having to take drugs to combat some issues. He said that he needs the medication to function properly. He also mentioned how at least now the stigma of mental illness is lifting, that people, especially men, can talk about it now. He said it's upsetting that some people still dismiss mental illness, they say "just get over it" or "there's nothing wrong with them, they just want attention".

 The odd thing is that, this in a way reminds me of my being gay, people said the same things about gay people. Once upon a time I wanted everyone to like me, I wanted them to accept me. Now however I don't care.. as in I really don't care because I think people like that are stupid and are choosing to remain stupid. I find the people who are bigoted towards LGBTQ people, mentally ill people, immigrants or unbelievable, even mentally challenged people, are against them because they are too stupid to learn anything about people from these groups.

 The result is, I genuinely don't care what they think, to me their opinion is worthless. I also don't want them around me because I find when you talk to people like this, they are so negative, bitter and hate filled, they say ignorant things that make you embarrassed for them, sometimes you even feel sorry for them because they don't realize how dumb they sounded from what they just said. I don't need these kind of people to like me anymore.. I just need them to go away and stop buzzing in my ear.

Hanging out with ABBA.

 My frustration has been notable lately with not finding my "posse" to hang out with. I guess it's an age issue now,  most people don't want to hang out after thirty five. One thing about coming out that has surprised me is how nothing changed for me socially. I always thought that my awkwardness and being a loner was because of my hidden sexuality. I believed that once out, I would find a group to hang out with. Turns out nope, I'm just socially awkward.

 When I was a kid and always on the outside looking in, I used to fantasize about being friends with ABBA. They were the most beautiful people I had ever seen. I had to learn about Sweden, I was excited to know that they grew tall blonde beautiful people over there like we grew corn.

 If the people from ABBA were my friends, everyone would be so jealous, they would be extra nice to me because then.. they would know how important I was, if ABBA liked me, there must be a good reason.

 We would hang out and talk about how much I loved Fernando, how at the time it was my favorite song EVER! Then I would surprise them with how well I could sing, (before puberty stole my voice), nodding their heads in agreement, the angelic blonde woman would tell me how it just all makes sense for me to join the band on tour as a backup singer. Well after all as she would point out, I already know most of their songs. Of course once on the road, they would all suddenly realize that I was too good to be just a backup singer, and I should sing as a third singer with the ladies.

 They would be really nice people because they just looked so pure, compared to all the hairy, sweaty hippie singers left over from the sixties. They would look at me as a little brother. We would travel around the world and perform in big stadiums. During the week of course I would have to go to school but sometimes on a Friday afternoon, a limousine would pull up in front of my school and all four tall Swedes would get out (dressed in white, they were always dressed in white) and start waving me to join them in the car. Laughing I would pile in with them and we would drive off to our next adventure. The kids at school would be dumb struck and envious. They would want to have my adventures, they would want to be like me, they would want to be friends with me.

40 or less than.

 I am not thrilled with dating sites but I like to dabble with a few just to keep my name out there, every now and again I will meet someone and it will be a temporary friendship or an ongoing one. It's how I met my ex, my fwb and currently James, plus a few others that eventually drifted away.  One of my disaster dating sites presented me with a "wink" the other day. The man is 55 and his profile lists him as interested in guys forty or younger. Well good for you buddy, maybe you can take them for ice cream after.

 First at 55, grow a pair, don't send me a "wink" at least say hello, not hey or s'up or dick pics? If we are judging people then to be honest his photo looks a little unsettling, very angry or artsy screaming in a bizarre way and I have to admit.. no exaggeration, he reminds me of a llama, I know people will give me a hard time over that statement but I swear I'm not saying it to be mean. I guess I should feel honored that he went out of his usual comfort zone to wink at an old guy (who's younger than him).

 I didn't respond, I just deleted his wink, kind of non appreciative of all the effort he put into our meeting. I also felt he is one of those men that just casts a net to see if he catches anything. Usually I will respond no matter what but I must come clean, this gayboy was turned off with the age limits (plus the llama face) and so did that gay flourish thingy with my finger as I deleted his ass while saying, "oh no you didn't"!

Playing Cops and Robbers?

 One sure sign of me starting to get old older is how young.. the younger people are starting to look. Today while picking up some groceries, I saw a police officer stopping in to grab a coffee. Usually like the rest of you dirty goats, I'm eyeing the guy up and down.. making sure his uniform fits him snugly nicely. Today however I didn't feel that way, I felt concerned for him, like if I was his uncle, he must have just started the job, he looked seventeen! I was wondering was he looking for bad guys.. or his mommy! Maybe he was just playing cops and robbers and borrowed the car for authenticity, no just kidding, he was the real deal. As he drove away I realized we as a society place a lot of responsibility on that young man's shoulders, he hasn't even begun to experience life yet.

 I felt bad for him because as he was hurriedly getting into his car, he didn't realize that he dropped his teddy while crossing the parking lot. No he didn't really have a teddy, my bad.

I'm such a dork? Turkey? Dorkey?

 I did it again, I missed out on going out. I don't know what gets into me at times but I have a habit of being excited about an upcoming event, only to give up on going the night before or even that morning.

 This weekend there were three events that I wanted to attend. I was even a little excited about one. On Saturday I was going to have to choose; however the weather decided it for me, it rained all Friday night and early Saturday morning, so it was best that I go to one particular event only twenty minutes away from me. Nope didn't go, lost track of time and realized no point in going. This morning I couldn't get into gear. I was finally ready by eleven but I then realized that it takes over two hours to get there. I would just get there and in a couple of hours everything would be over and it's another two plus hours driving home. I talked myself out of it and decided not to go. In other words all the plans for this weekend, went out the window. I really wonder about myself, my sister was telling me that she does that as well. Maybe the idea of something sounds great but the reality of it, is not so exciting. Clearly proof that I over think most situations.

Sunday service, all rise please.

 Since many bloggers are away, I will fill in for the Sunday sermon, since I'm not that religious, I need a little help. Everyone please rise and open your books to the story of Noah's ark. Blah, evolution smevolution, what will those silly scientists make up next!

Shoulder weight lifted.

 Yesterday I received some good news. My mother had an appointment with her cardiologist, they were thinking she may need an operation. That weighed heavy on me.. extremely heavy on me. I was going to have to make the choice, don't let her have the operation and if she dies then it's all my fault or have the operation and if it's too much for her condition and she dies, then it's all my fault, either way I could have caused my mom to die. When you hold someone else's life in your hands, it's unbelievable with the amount of guilt that comes with that responsibility.

 However, all tests show that mom is actually fine, she doesn't need any operations or even medication. She has a minor difference in the way her heart beats but it's common according to the doctor. This irregularity in her heart beat was confusing the regular monitors and that is what was raising concerns. Her weak spells are more to do with age and her dementia and not heart.

 I was practically giddy with relief yesterday, not just because mom is fine but also that the life and death situation has been lifted off my shoulders. I had made my decision however in the event of things going bad, medication yes but no to an operation. Mom only lives in the immediate present, so being in pain from an operation would be torture for her, there would be no way to have her understand what is going on and some days she is really feeble so it could really affect her. Now I don't have the worry of that decision, whatever happens from now on will be life taking its course and my sister and I have made peace with that.

Speaking of female impersonators.

 It's freezing out and yet there is a storm banging around outside. The wind picked up so much I was looking for my little dog Toto. Just waiting for the flying monkeys now.

 Since I can't sleep I was watching things that make me laugh, you know "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, these are a few of my favorite things". Besides drag queens, there is also a history of female impersonators, not so much now but I remember as a kid there were many who incorporated female characters into their variety shows. I came across the ultimate female impersonator, one of my favorites.

 Watch a few minutes if you have the time. I'm sure most people have heard of Dame Edna. She gave me the giggles during the storm. :D

I turn heads.

 As the title says, I turn heads. I was never that great looking but I noticed when around the gays, many guys would wink at me, smile at me, come talk to me and it felt good. Even when I was with Dan, I often got hit on with him there. I was a little ticked about that but he seemed to get a kick out of it. Sometimes I think he enjoyed it, sort of an attitude of, "you want him but I got him".

 I turn heads for a different reason now and it's something I have to learn to accept. I'm reminded of a comment some man made on John Grey's blog (Going Gently). The comment went something like, "I started to notice when I reach my fifties that heads no longer turned for me, no long glances, no once over, no one sees me anymore". That made me feel sad because I know it's inevitable.

 I'm losing my super powers, one of my abilities was to look years younger than I actually was. On my fortieth birthday, I was the only person asked for I.D at the bar we went to. That felt hysterically funny and good at the same time. The bouncer leaned into my face and said, "oh sorry sir, I didn't see all the wrinkles around your eyes", thanks for the great story to tell, b..ch.

 I was turning heads at the pride festival. Often while walking, I would see a guy take notice of me, he would start to check me out but suddenly as he would get closer, he would do a look of realization, that I'm older than he first thought and then he would look away. I've been too embarrassed to bring it up here but yes, I turn heads, only now they are turning their heads away in disappointment. I think that might be worse than not being noticed at all.

Steve the.. drag Queen?

 I have mentioned that my dreams are often elaborate and extremely bizarre. Monday night I had one such dream, probably due to not sleeping properly the night before. As strange as it was, I felt that I learned something from it.

 I dreamt that I was in a large building, partying it up with a lot of people. It was something like a casino, there were games, music, eating and dancing. I was enjoying a dinner with friends.. even though I have never met these people before. We were seated at long banquet tables and everyone was well dress for the evening. A hostess came up to my group and said, "this is drag night, who wants to try dressing up like a drag queen"? I didn't want to but some of the guys I was with said, "oh come on, this will be a blast"! We got up and the woman lead us to a dressing room, like what you see backstage at a theater. I tried on a wig, we were all giggling like crazy. Looking in the mirror, the wig transformed my appearance, looking very much like a woman. One of my friends said, "oow, wow, here's some lipstick, try some make-up, you look like the real deal"! I said, "Maddie is going to be so proud of me.. or really pissed"! The woman said, "oh you know Mistress Maddie, she is supposed to be on tonight"!

 Once we got changed, we were all laughing at ourselves. The hostess asked us if we were ready to go back to our seats and give the rest of our friends a treat, maybe even get up on stage. I said, "we've come this far, we might as well". Laughing we got up and the other guys went down the hall ahead of me. They went through the door into the banquet hall and I was trying to keep up. I went through the door and as it slammed shut, I stood confused, I was looking at the night sky.. black dark with twinkling stars and it was completely quiet. I had ended up outside somewhere. I looked around and realized I was back at the country fair I had been to on Saturday... now I was with all straight guys, some of who had been drinking and I was dressed as a drag queen.

 Stunned I wasn't sure what to do. There were some people there and they stared at me a little startled to see a drag queen appear. I tried to return, I couldn't get in the door, it was a back door and I was too embarrassed to walk around. I knew the people couldn't recognise me, at least not yet but they were giving me a look of disgust. Suddenly the door opened and a man stumbled out, I grabbed the door and went in, I was hoping that I would be sent back to the banquet hall; however I wasn't, I was still in the main building at the fair grounds. One man rolled his eyes and shook his head at his friends, other people snickered at me. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. I saw some of the other guys, also still dressed in drag. I asked what had happened, they said they didn't understand but that we better get to the washroom and clean up. We passed a group of young guys, they gave us a look of hate, one guy turned to his friends and said half under his breath, "ugh, fucken fags". I felt threatened.

 We went into the washroom and were hurriedly trying to rub off the make up. I pulled off the wig and began to look like myself again, sometimes myself and sometimes a much older version of myself. The other guys pulled off their wigs, we were trying to figure out how to get back to where we came from.

 I was feeling really scared, really threatened, unsafe, I felt vulnerable. A thought suddenly occurred to me and I said to the guy sitting next to me, "I guess this is what it feels like for transgender people a lot of the time, even feminine guys or drag queens out on the street". Then the dream ended but those feelings still haunt me, I think I learned something, it wasn't real but it felt real enough.

Polly, the non binary chicken.

 We are all very natural, only the ignorant will say that members of the LGBTQ community are unnatural. It is common to find homosexuality and gender non conformance in nature. I get tired when people try to say that homosexuality is something that has been recently made up, at the same time hypocritically pointing it out in a book that is supposed to be thousands of years old.

 I was reminded today about a small flock of chickens that was given to me a few years ago. The flock had become the target of a fox and so the owner asked me to take them. She told me about one of the hens, a "Buff Laced Polish" hen who I called Polly. A silly looking breed with a puffy head dress of feathers, like a chicken version of Tina Turner. The owner said that in three years, Polly had never once laid an egg. She raised her from a chick so she knew it wasn't because of age.

 These are not my pictures but the chicken on the left is a good match for Polly.

 I checked Polly out.. my suspicions were confirmed. Polly was an abomination in the eyes of the church. Most of her features were that of a female, but some were that of a male. Even more interesting was her behavior and her relationship with other chickens. My own hens didn't try to clobber her, a sign to me that they didn't see her as another hen. The rooster didn't pay attention to Polly, he didn't she her as male but wasn't interested in her as a female either. Polly however was absolutely terrified of the roosters, something odd for a hen, this behavior is more like that of a young rooster. Clearly Polly was non binary, not feeling like a hen but also not a rooster either. Polly was pretty much a loner, especially when let outside, she would go off on her own, all of the other chickens, used to laugh and call her names, they never let poor Polly.. play in any poultry games.

 Her appearance had a few CKNLGBTQ signs as well, her tail feathers had a slight curve, like a young rooster about to grow in his tail feathers. Polly also had leg spurs, the spikes that grow out of a rooster's legs, only her spikes were hollow and not solid. I kept her for a while, I tried every trick in the book to see if she would lay.. but no egg. Eventually Polly went into show business, no this is not an euphemism, I sold her to a guy that shows birds. I was going to write the title "Polly the transgender chicken" but that would be incorrect, she is not transitioning into a rooster and he is not transitioning into a hen. Polly was staying Polly, neither hen nor rooster, just "Polly" exactly the way nature designed this little chicken.

The hour of the wolf, with a wolf.

 Last night I woke up after two in the morning, fortunately I don't have to work today, otherwise I would be exhausted. My wittle brain decided that I had enough sleep and this was a perfect time for some serious worrying. Tick tock, tick tock watch the clock. I started to think about my work choices, this was brought on by the fact that a bunch of my cousins have retired this summer. Some are only fifty four and are as healthy as a forty year old. They had high paying government jobs and their retirement income will be much more than I make, it's like they won the lottery. Don't get me wrong, nothing was handed to them, they worked hard to get these jobs.

 Hindsight is 20/20, and I really understand the meaning of that statement as I get older. A good example is two brothers retiring at the same time. The older brother didn't like school and went into home renovations etc. However after a few years he didn't like the uncertainty of that type of work, also he watched his younger brothers and sisters doing really well for themselves. He went to university, got a degree, then got into the government. It feels like ten years ago that he did that, yet he retired in spring, his younger brother made all the right decisions from high school on, so he also retired last spring. I think I will be working until I'm 90. Actually that played on my mind because I can retire at 65; however that's when mom began to show signs of dementia. Do I work till 65 and then lose my mind, that frightens me.

 That's the strange part of life, it's a lottery. If you have your health, you win, if you don't, you lose and you can lose on so many levels, example my parents. I went to see my godparents yesterday. I shouldn't be startled by their ages but sometimes I'm in denial about the amount of time that has passed. They are 81 and 84 and have been a perfect example of people who won the life lottery. Both retired with good pensions, they travel south for the winter. They drive down, I don't think I would be brave enough to try that. They golf and other physical activities, both are very social and are sharp as a tack with their thinking, 80 is the new 60 absolutely applies to them. They are starting to have health issues now but seeing how they are on the journey towards 90, I think that is expected. I had a good visit with them, there are not many people of my parents generation left that I can talk to, plus the wisdom, people of that generation from around here have a life experience that isn't common anymore. It's comforting to be able to hear it again.

 What was that? Suddenly I'm snapped out of my runaway train of thoughts. There was a strange noise outside, like a growl. Immediately I think about Kitty, nope we're good, it's damp out so she retired to the barn, she's safe. I listen but nothing, the deer come at night for the apples, I wonder about them. I look at the clock, going on to three in the morning. Suddenly there is howling close, very close to the house, other voices join in. I jump up, it's a bright moon but I can't see, there is a heavy fog over the land. Wolves and coyotes are masters at staying out of sight, night time makes them brave, night plus fog makes them bold. There is another chorus of howling, I can tell these are coyotes and there's three of them,  about two minutes later from a distance a louder chorus answers back. This is a much deeper sounding tone, I'm not sure if they are older coyotes or maybe wolves howling to let them know this is their territory. It's hard to tell some times because the wolves here are red wolves and they will interbreed with coyotes.

 I lay back down, thinking thinking thinking, I don't know why, I didn't have any coffee or chocolate. The temperature dropped to freezing, I brought in a bunch of veggies and covered the rest, hope the flowers survive for at least another week or two. I hear a car go by, unusual for this remote road at this time of night, makes me suspicious. What time is it anyway I'm thinking to myself. I look at the clock, it's not night anymore, it's five in the morning. I groan.. might as well get up now and do something. I'm exhausted, I made it through the night, I close my eyes for a few seconds and immediately fall asleep, not waking until almost nine, so much for getting a lot done.

Chicks dig horses.

 Yesterday after visiting with mom, I went to a small fall-fair going on nearby. I like to try and go because it's organized by the agricultural society for our area, so I'm supporting our own. Unfortunately it was a wet showers filled day. There was a break by evening and luckily the showers stopped.

 There is a lot of nostalgia for me attending this little fair, as a child I often went with my family, I would know about 90% of the people there and spend the day running around with my friends. My dad even borrowed a team of heavy draft horses from a buddy one year and won a horse pulling competition with them. He was a skilled horse man, you have to know what you are doing, things can go wrong fast, he was 62 at the time.

 It's getting harder and harder to go each year, too many memories but also it's dying out and that makes me leave feeling sad. As I said before it was 90% people I knew and 10% strangers, now it's the complete reverse. Many of the local farmers no longer participate, there are less farmers around and with much larger farms, they just don't have the time.

 This next picture is a game they have the kids play. It's like musical chairs only they ride around the ring, when the music stops, they have to jump off and run to step on a white mat while leading their horse. It can be really funny, I usually cheer for any kid I know or the smallest kid.

 There is a line from the movie George of the Jungle, "what is it with chicks and horses". Now I know that the mantra of the day is that boys and girls are exactly the same, there is absolutely no difference, there is no gender we are all one, we-are-all-one. Until you venture into the real world and things are very different from theory. One of those differences becomes extremely clear in the competitions. All the competitors are girls and women in the riding classes. Girls love horses, back when I was younger, there were as many boys and men in the riding competitions as women, probably even more. However with the invention of inexpensive dirt-bikes, ATVs, buggies etc, along with kids versions of these, the males are more thrilled with motors and were drawn away by them. The females stayed with the animals, that says something about the difference between the sexes. Yes there are exceptions but you can't argue with group after group of ten to twenty riders and all are female. On the flip side, the pulling competitions and wagon competitions are almost all men, usually older men but the wagon groups are small, three to four competitors, the overall volume of women competing to men is ten to one or maybe more. There are sadly not many young men coming up, so the writing is on the wall. This greatly affects my man watching, actually I only saw one cute cowboy. :(

 This next picture is of a new competition, the rider tells the horse to stand, then the rider has to crawl through a barrel, get back on the horse and race to the end. The thing is most well trained horses will stand there, however as soon as the rider is in the barrel, many horses will run away because it can no longer see the rider, some become spooked by the barrel moving. Don't worry, the horse will return to the gate where it came in.

 Sometimes I wish it was a little more professional but this is a good fair for people beginning to show or compete. They can learn from their mistakes. At the same time it can make things fun when things don't go exactly as planned.

 I found it getting really cold in the evening especially because of the rain earlier so I decided to head home. I blogged a little while back about how I started to enjoy going barefoot outside, of course that has ended now, even my floor was cold enough I was wearing socks last night. I saw something at the fair that made me think how good it is to be young. There was a little guy about eleven or so, the kind of boy who is probably going to be a hottie later on, he was walking around all afternoon and evening barefoot, even when I was getting ready to leave! It was cold, the grass was wet from all the rain and yet he didn't seem to be bothered by it at all, kids are tough.

 I drove away thinking this will probably be my last time to go, the reason being that while there, I was enjoying past memories much more than what was actually going on. Time to make new memories elsewhere, I feel it's pointless to waste time regarding the past.

Ok fall, you win.

 I have been holding off turning on any heat in the house. I wanted to see how far I could get without using the furnace. This fall has been like a typical fall that I would have in my childhood.. cold. Last week I had to close up the windows some nights and also yesterday during the day. Last September was so hot that I guess I have been paranoid about keeping the house cool. I was bracing for the 80+++ heat, but it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. We have had a number of frosts already, not strong enough to kill plants but it's getting close.

 Tonight however I had to give in, I had been away and when I got home, the house was freezing, there has been no sunshine the past couple of days to warm up the house and I turned on the heat. The main reason is the dampness more than just the cold. At least I made it to the second weekend without folding. This also means I better start cleaning off the garden, it's easier to have everything still growing outside but Murphy's law dictates that some night when I have something important to do, the news will start warning about frost destroying the garden. This usually has me picking tomatoes by flashlight in a panic.

 The leaves are changing, the geese are flocking, the night air is nippy, yeah summer has left the building.

Fried chicken has me boiling.

 I read today that they opened a "chic fil a" in Toronto and that they are going to open fifteen more. I am well aware of who owns them and their activist agenda against the LGBTQ community. That felt insulting, that felt like invasion from the American religious right. To add insult to injury, the lineups were apparently huge, I have never felt so betrayed by fellow Canadians. Even worse people camped out overnight, others waited up to twelve hours to get in. There were protesters who chanted "shame" but it didn't affect the people waiting to get in.

 Some people said they didn't care, they just wanted chicken, others said that while they don't support the owners views, buying their fried chicken isn't a show of support. Really??? Supporting that business gives them money to carry out their anti LGBTQ agenda, if that isn't support.. then what is? I have to cool down, honestly I shouldn't expect any form of deep thinking from a person who waits in line for twelve hours just to get a chicken sandwich!

 This also demonstrates to me that in the eyes of society, we still don't really matter. We are tolerated and now it's cool to have some gay people around, we have funny sayings, we do drag shows and we have fun parades. Other than that we are not thought much of. I say this because imagine if the owners said racist statements or anti Jewish/ Muslim statements. Especially in Canada, there would have been riots in the streets. If they were working to suppress people of color, I can imagine rocks going through the windows, people wouldn't want to be associated with that restaurant, others would be afraid to go.

 I was looking at the people lining up to get in. Fried chicken typical people, the kind of people who would be better off ordering a salad. Ooh... I'm so pissed, I'm going all mean girl! One woman kept saying, "I want some good fried chicken, I want fried chicken, I don't care, I want to eat", well honey I grew up on a farm and I can recognise a cow when I see one. Who the f#k.. did your hair by the way, next time tell them not to use the lawnmower. Typical Wal-Mart look for most. Such an accomplished for the people who stayed out overnight... to eat fried chicken, I'm sure your parents must be so proud of you, especially since you are probably living off them because the rest of us were sleeping so that we could go to work the next day.

 The franchise owner said he wants all people to feel welcome in his restaurant, then he should have invested in an inclusive franchise and not a bigoted one! That would almost be like the kkk forming a chain of restaurants and trying to encourage people of color to eat there and feel welcome there.

 Today boys and girls our special word is "boycott", I generally don't support boycotting a business but they go beyond just having views different from mine, they are a threat to the LGBTQ community. What is it with all these billionaire right-wing evangelical Christians? I remember my bible and it's page after page after page warning people not to become addicted to money, in fact it says you can't serve both god and money. The LGBTQ community is hardly mentioned and even then it's not the way right wing-nuts would have you believe, it's funny how they focused on us but not the money part. How do people who want to believe the earth is flat, get so successful at business?

 Just seeing the logo feels offensive. Crispy cream donuts failed in Canada, we are usually better eaters than Americans and customers found the product too rich and fatty. I hope this will be a repeat, I hope the restaurants fail, most people I know don't go to Popeyes or KFC anymore. I hope they are sent back across the border.

Another "uh ooh" moment.

 When I was itsy bitsy, mom said I was going to try something new called kindergarten. She said I would get to be like the big kids and go to school! Nice try mom, I understood what school was and I had my lawyers contact her council in protest. I claimed discrimination on the fact that my older sister and cousins didn't have to go to "kid nerd garden". However I was living under a dictatorship, the system was fixed, not only was she my adversary, she was also the judge, guess who had to go.

 My kindergarten teacher had only recently graduated from university, we were the first kindergarten class in that school and from what I have heard, we were her first students. I liked her, she seemed nice enough. I remember her as very tall with long slender legs like a giraffe. Understanding that she would have been a student in the sixties, she was a very modern dresser. She became known for her mini skirts, very mini.. mini skirts. Men used to smirk and ask me, "you got that teacher with all the mini skirts"? I didn't get the joke, I would just answer yes as they gave sideways glances to each other.

  Eventually spring came, we said our goodbyes and the following year I went to the school were my sister was. I never saw her again but I remember about ten or more years ago, some of my old classmates were telling me about going to her retirement party. That struck me as an uh oh moment, meaning my really young kindergarten teacher was now old enough to retire. There are moments in life that when you pass them, it makes you stop and think about where you are going and about the time already passed.

 Last week was another uh oh moment, reading one of the local papers I discovered.. my teacher died, I'm not sure yet what happened but I assume she must be in or close to her seventies. It makes me take a step back. Almost all of my teachers are dead now, definitely an uh ooh moment.

 Anyway I have to tidy up, tomorrow a swarm of lesbians will descend upon the farm. Darn just when Debra went on holidays, I could have used some pointers.

In a trance.

 I happen to read some of my older posts from years ago and I was reminded of the younger bloggers I had become friends with during that period of my life. At that time, everyone was trying to figure out.. how to come out. There was a large community of bloggers making the same journey and a really interesting thing was the age range.

 I rarely post music videos because most people don't like anything I listen to, I have very odd tastes that range all over. Plus everyone has their own taste so if they hate heavy rock or country, there is no point in trying to create a post around a song. One type of music I used to listen to was New Age, yes.. I know it's weird but I loved it, I believe it let me appreciate what many of the younger guys were listening to. When I first started blogging, a lot of the younger guys were listening to trance and dance music, I listened to a lot of the pieces they recommend and I found myself really liking them. Now however years later; apparently trance has morphed into something called electronic dance music, or EDM as we cool people like to say. I'm not really a fan of it, I prefer the older trance music.

 When I moved back home, I stopped listening and forgot about most of it to be honest but a few weeks ago I started hunting down my old favorites. While listening I keep getting a video recommended so I gave up ignoring it and watch the video. This is interesting, someone took EDM and put it with a video of traditional African dance and it totally works. You have to watch these guys move, they are doing some sort of bird dance but it's not the bird dance at your uncle's wedding, this is like the bird dance on steroids. I get a kick out of it and the first guy is amazing. You only need to watch it half way if you can't stand the music, it starts repeating the dance clips. Their feet must hurt, I don't think they are wearing shoes.

The wheels on the bus go...

 I heard the school buses running again this morning, a teensy weensy part of me said, "whew, I don't have to go". I hated school and as an awkward, extra small, red headed gay kid, I really really hated school. It's a significant number for me this year, a year with a nine, as in 2019. I remember when I first started high school back in 99, we didn't have cell phones or the internet.. oh wait.. no I didn't start in 99, must have been 89. I remember when I started back in 89, we didn't have laptops or iPads to do our homework, we didn't even have DVD players to watch movies yet. Also we had to.. oh wait, who am I kidding, as much as it pains me to say this, I started high school in 1979, oh mother of pearl, how did this happen. Computers.. heck we didn't even have VCRs or walkmans yet! Elton John was straight, Madonna was still a virgin and Michael Jackson was still black!  We didn't have junior high so grade seven was high school for me.

 I don't remember much about that first day, I know we were afraid of the older kids. There was a hazing ritual for new students. It certainly was a change from before, with our elementary teachers planning every step we had to make. I remember liking boys but I wasn't gay in my eyes. It's just that my man feelings hadn't kicked in yet, I had let myself think about being with my friends and must have gotten addicted to the day dreams, (gay dreams). I just needed to get them (my attractions) under control and I would be alright in a few months, even find a girlfriend maybe to hang out with at dances.

 That first day must have been alright because I have no memory of it. I was probably already doing homework, getting myself ready for the following day at this time (7:15 p.m.) I wasn't happy about entering high school though, I always knew getting older sucked. I was the opposite of all my friends, I wanted to be a kid forever, I never wanted to grow up. It's funny to think about all those years ago, starting on my first steps towards being an adult. High school seemed like an eternity and yet now all these years later, we can see it was just a blip in time. I certainly never thought I would be back home, alone writing about it forty years later.

Weddings and empty wishes.

 September first, I have to accept it, I thought if I tried stapling all the calendars to August, then maybe it would stay summer longer. The frost on the deck roof this morning said otherwise. Fortunately it didn't affect anything in the gardens. Well... I will make myself enjoy the month, I actually do enjoy fall, I just have to remind myself that I do.

 Actually September first does hold a special day for our family, without it... I wouldn't be here. This is my parents wedding anniversary. September was a popular month to get married, cool enough to dress up but warm enough not to have to wear extra clothes. I was thinking about visiting mom and wishing her a happy anniversary but there is no point now, she has no memory of being married, she no longer recognises my dad in photos, he has been gone too long. I know she would say "thank you" but only to be polite. It would be a hollow wish on my part.

 I decided instead to look through the wedding album. Some pictures made me tear up a little... now seeing them as young people just starting a life together, made me feel proud of them. I miss that couple so much. I'm not going to be sad about it, I'm happy to be reminded of the adventure they were about to begin. I used to come home for the long weekend and babysit the farm while they celebrated their anniversary. They would leave Friday morning and go to a weekend music festival. Around this time Sunday evening (9:00 pm) I would see the lights of their car and know they had returned home. I had a dream of them coming home the other night, the lights pulling into the driveway. No one came in however and I eventually woke up. I had forgotten that memory, odd that it shows up at this moment in time.

 Today there was another perk to this month, I needed to do some work outside and even though it was sunny, I needed a heavy shirt, it's so much nicer trying to work in cool weather and best of all, noooo bugs. I was trying to think of a theme picture for September, the leaves on the trees are still green, so it would be a little cliche to try and put up fall colors. I didn't sow pumpkin this year and an onion just doesn't say "it's September" so I will have to work on that one.

 Another September perk, my dinner was almost completely from my garden, the only exception was bread and some mayonnaise. It was yummy-licious, nothing beats fresh vegetables, I will see how long I can make this last. In 2018 I had tomatoes right into December. If you can keep green ones coming up until October, they will ripen on your counter top and still taste better than the store bought ones.

 I watched cars going back and forth, back and forth all day while I was working outside, it's a holiday and yet everyone seems so busy, life no longer let's people relax. That's really sad because most people don't realize how precious time is until they are running out of it.

 Happy anniversary mom and dad, I love and miss you. :,(