I See Your Kindness.

 Many people complain about the younger generations, in fact I think that is an older generation thing. I remember reading a quote a man wrote about the younger generation and how he thought they were going to ruin society, the quote was recorded during the Roman era. Some things never change I guess, according to him the younger generation was the worst ever and yet here we are. I make jokes about younger people but I've earned that spot, I actually am amazed at how quick they learn and how eager they are to try things, I guess we were like that once. I feel there are a lot of good young people, just they never make the news. Any faults they have are because the older generations raised that into them, so really we can't complain as a whole.

 Tuesday I was getting groceries and while standing in line I noticed an elderly woman in front of me. She was quite elderly and was having trouble with everything, she seemed a little grumpy too. The thing that impressed me was the young girl on cash, she was cheerful and super helpful and not in a phony way. She really took over caring for the woman, filling her backpack, coming around and helping the woman put it on, buckling it up for her, making sure it wasn't too heavy, making sure she could zip up her coat. Above and beyond what most people would do and the whole time with a pleasant disposition, plus an efficiency to it. The woman even seemed surprised, she said "thank you dear" and went on her way.

  Next it was my turn and she began ringing up my items. Watching her I couldn't help feeling impressed by the way she handled the elderly woman. It takes a village to raise a child came into my mind and I thought about how quick people are to criticize younger people but say nothing when they do something right. I thought now it's my turn, maybe I can place a moment of kindness into her life. As she was processing the bill, I told her how I appreciated the kindness she showed towards the elderly woman. She was a bit surprised and thanked me, she said the woman made her think of her grandmother and hoped people would treat her grandmother with kindness as well. As I left I hoped that I would have given her at least a pleasant memory for the day or better yet, encouragement to continue being such a kind person. Maybe she went home and blogged or should I say vlogged about what I said, proving to her younger followers that not all adults are grumpy.

Liquid Gold

 I mentioned going to my neighbours house where we had a bonfire and made maple syrup. It was a gorgeous spring day, we still have snow but sitting in the sun was pleasant as there was no wind and the temperature did squeak past the freezing point. Mostly it was a day to get out, talk, laugh, eat snacks and drink what ever you were in the mood for. Luckily I had just made apple tarts that morning so I was looking pretty good showing up with a tray of treats, a regular Martha Stewart.

 We were making maple syrup, it was a very crude setup like many people do in the country. My sister used to make it when we were teenagers, I had forgotten how much work goes into making it. Many times in the store I feel that the price is too high but after this little adventure, I have a lot of empathy for people making the stuff. I think the number is something like 40 to 1, meaning it takes 40 litres of sap to make one litre of syrup. Basically you take a bathtub full of water and boil it down to a couple of jam jars. That's it, your entire day of work for a jar of syrup. No wonder it's almost ten times the price of gas.

 The next day I happened to be in a store and they had maple syrup on sale, a can of syrup for six bucks, I brought it home and poured it into a jar knowing what a super deal it was. I immediately text my neighbour and told her I got my jar of syrup as well, I also mentioned how hard it was turning the can opener (all that effort). My only dilemma now is waffles, pancakes or ooh la la, maybe French toast.

It is, what it is.

 It is, what it is, that's my new mantra, I use it repeatedly. I didn't realize how much until lately some of my friends started quoting it back to me. It's my way of saying that life is in control and all I can do is hang on for the ride. I went out with friends for a local fund raising supper and some people there told me that I had just missed mom, her nursing home is really good to the clients they get them out into the community and they had them there for the early sitting. People know it's hard having a parent with Alzheimer's but I tell them I take whatever little gifts I get, it's all I can do. The other night I had to drop off something at the home and when I walked in, mom was snuggled up in her comfy chair with the other ladies enjoying their last tea before bed. That's a gift, I don't have to worry about her safety and she always has company, she is not alone anymore. They can laugh and repeat all the same stories to each other without getting upset because every story is new each time it's retold. A little funny to us maybe but it's conversation for them.

I am trying to accept that many things are beyond my control and to just let it go. There is no benefit to worrying about situations I can't change, I have to accept that some things are just not going to get better, they are going to get worse. People will look at me as if expecting me to say something that can magically make everything go back to the way things were, that is never going to happen, all I can do is shrug and say "it is, what it is". Work on things we can change and just accept things we can't. It's not because I have become some enlightened person, it's for my own survival.


 * I was a little tired when I wrote this and my intention was not to focus on mom's dementia and dealing with it. It was about dealing with life in general, the constant garbage that life deals out that is completely out of our hands. The dementia issue is part of it but also getting older is another thing I have no control over, losing family members and neighbours, my work structure changing etc, etc. I was starting to feel broken until I adopted the attitude of just saying whatever, forget it, there is nothing I can do about "XYZ", that's when I started to say "it is, what it is", this phrase also lets my friends know I no longer want to talk about the subject.

The Fear Of?

 Many years ago in blogland, I remember reading a great post by a sweet lady who sadly is no longer with us. Birdie from bird of paradise blogged about what is the one thing that often holds people back from reaching a goal, she said one reason is often fear. I knew as soon as I read that sentence it was true, especially for me. People often have a fear of failure or fear of the unknown, that is me in a nutshell. I am one of those people who wants to hold onto what I know, the safety and security of the familiar.

 Over the weekend I happened to be invited to a bonfire, typical for Canada it was a bonfire that also happen to have large pots of maple syrup boiling on top. The people there were all straight and oddly enough they are starting over in their lives, as is often the case now, they are divorced. It made me think about my situation and how a certain blogger (Mr Lurker) asked if I was putting enough effort into finding someone. I suddenly realized that the answer is no.

 I had to ask myself why, it doesn't make sense to want to be in a relationship and not do very much about finding someone. The answer is of course fear. (1) The chance that I will fall for someone again, only to be hurt again is a huge one for me, like the saying goes, once bitten twice shy.  Losing someone you love, is similar to that person dying. (2) The fear of failure, as in just a general mishandling of forming relationships, I know I am a little awkward around people, guys who may like me in the beginning, could become tired of my personality before I can fully get through to them. The fear of failure in a relationship I think is worse as I get older, I feel there are less opportunities for me out there, so to mess up those opportunities is stressful. (3) The fear of my selfishness, having to think about two people instead of just myself, I worry that I have become so used to being Steven, that I may feel smothered in a serious relationship where I have to think as a couple. I did notice mistakes I made with Dan, sometimes it's difficult when you become so used to being on your own. I did hear something however that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. They were asking a young guy if he felt any different after marrying his partner since they had lived together almost ten years. He said that he thought it wouldn't make him feel any different but after they were married it made them feel closer, he said that he feels responsible for his husband along with loving him and that they really are a family.

 Now for the BIG one. (4) The fear that I fully put myself out there only to discover it's too late. That I search but find no one, that I don't even get the opportunity to fail or have my heart broken, that I put out a call that nobody answers. What if there is no match for me, what if I realize that I am destined to be single, something I have felt was going to happen to me since I was a child. What if I end up alone, it's not really something that I want. I always say that I would rather be single than be in a bad relationship so I know it's not healthy to just settle but I also think it's much healthier to feel loved.

Hypocrisy, Sunday Sermon IV.

 These are not really sermons in case someone new stumbles upon this blog, these are just thoughts and arguments that I have with myself. I don't have the moral authority to lecture anyone about almost anything. Just wanted to put that out there.

 This week I was reading about a male escort who apparently has a list of priests that he has been servicing. He is saying that he will release the names, not as an attack on the church but as a way to root out the hidden rot in the hierarchy. I would normally be totally against outing someone but in this case I can see his point.

 I remember when I finished (Catholic) high school in the city, a girl there told a teacher that her cousin was going through to be a priest. He said to her that most of the young men who were either becoming priests or were priests in his house, were having sex with each other. I was disgusted with her, I couldn't figure out why she would say such a filthy thing. After that I saw her as trash even though she was from a wealthy family. Years later I would begin to realize that she was probably telling the truth.

 I wouldn't want the lifestyle of a priest, that's why I would never become one, so my empathy begins to run out if someone also doesn't want that lifestyle and yet enters into the priesthood. I would have some understanding for the older generations or men from third world countries but most men entering now have just as much knowledge as I do. To me it's bad enough that they are hooking up with each other but I think there is something a little extra sick about being a parish priest and being on a first name basis with the local male escorts!

 One of my sore points with the church was that it ignored all the scandals regarding abuse and even tried to aid the abusers. Plus there has been other scandals that have been hushed up. However when the government went to bring gay marriage into law in Canada, suddenly the church for the first time in history became politically active. They organized against gay marriage and tried to stop it. Churches sent home petitions, I remember my parents bringing some home and asked if I would take some. I took all of them, (muahaha).

 The hypocrisy is unbelievable, sex between two males is only disgusting when they are both adults in a committed, loving relationship? Is that the church's message? This is why I don't have a lot of empathy for the men on that list, it's one thing to be confused, it's another to support an organization that actively discriminates against the LGBTQ community. They could be a member of a church that is positive towards the LGBTQ community and build on that religion as being an inclusive one. It's as ridiculous as a person saying they are against discrimination but at the same time are a leader in a white supremacist group.

Addicted Much?

 Today on the radio the host was talking about how so many of us are addicted to our phones. I have to admit that lately it's scary how I have become addicted. With me it's not so much my phone as it's the internet on my phone, I would be glued to a laptop if I had one with net access. They were asking if you ever look around to watch other people and how they are using, or not using their phones.

 I find it creepy actually, I see people out for an evening meal, sitting in silence across from each other texting or scrolling on their phones. When I am waiting at a light and I look around, all the other drivers stopped in both directions are on their phones, even sometimes I have to honk because they don't notice the light changed green. The people walking with the light have their faces stuck to their screens. Nothing gets my hackles up faster than someone who keeps checking their phone when they are supposed to be speaking to me. I was at a fall fair and during a horse show I noticed half the people on the bleachers across from me were texting and scrolling. Everybody is on their phone, grocery shopping, in the checkout line, sitting next to me in the cafeteria, sitting next to me in the washroom, at the barber, on the bus, at the back of church, in line at the coffee shop. I have this vision in my head that somewhere, someone says, "oh would you be able to hold on for just one minute, I'm about to cum" or "I need to wipe myself"!

 As for me, I think it gives me a false sense of connection, I feel like I'm with people when I am on line. I have become very addicted to my phone. When I am not on it for a while, I feel like I need a fix. I can't tell you how many times I've grabbed the phone to just check for texts or emails, promising to only be a few minutes, suddenly it's three hours later. I often fill the sink with water to do the dishes or put a load of laundry on, suddenly it's bedtime and I didn't do my housework. Sometimes in the evening, I tell myself to make sure no one is trying to reach me, just a quick glance and then I will make supper. The next thing I know it's nine at night so I don't eat anything because it's too late.

 My bills for my data plan are so high at times that I would be too embarrassed to tell you. Many days I don't see much difference between me and some guy who spends time and money for that next drink. It takes away from some of my other hobbies, many nights I stayed up too late because of being on line, it has caused me to be late for work, it has kept me from visiting mom. It also really helps with my procrastination, I can waste time on line instead of doing the hard things in life. I better work on getting this under control. I realize that I am going to have to put this stupid thing down......... tomorrow....... maybe.

Read the Label!

 The catch phrase these days for man on man relations is, "don't label me". I used to feel there were two types of men, homosexual and bisexual. I should take a second to say if you are not comfortable with talking about sexuality, now would be a good time to look at cute puppy memes! Many guys however seem to have a problem with the term bisexual. To me, any guy that is interested in having some form of sexual experience with another guy is to some degree bisexual. Maybe they misunderstand the term, maybe I am the one who is wrong regarding the meaning. I think about my own situation, I identify as gay, I have no sexual attraction to women. I would however if in the right situation, be open to try having sex with a woman just for the experience. I don't feel that makes me bisexual for the main reason that I never think of searching out a situation where that could happen. It's not part of my fantasies, I don't really think about it.

 I am fascinated by guys that identify as straight and yet experiment with other guys. I guess it's the hyper masculinity of a straight alpha male, the forbidden fruit so to speak. Maybe it's also the realization, my belief system is turning out true, that a lot of guys are actually bisexual to some degree but were raised to reject it. I actually email back and forth with some guys like this, I am not going to meet them, I just am so interested in how they think and how they see themselves.

 One guy describes himself as straight-ish, he likes to meet up with other guys, get to know them, watch straight porn together and masturbate, it's a male bonding experience, he said sometimes when they get to know each other they will help each other out while watching the movie, mutual masturbation and sometimes oral. It's bonding over their attraction to women however and heterosexual sex not homosexual sex. He said this aspect is what turns him on, he is not interested in watching a gay film with other guys or being with a gay man. He is comfortable around gay men so it doesn't seem to be some issue with internal homophobia.

 Another man I used to email with also said he is mostly straight. He told me about a hidden world that he is part of, mostly young attractive married men. They have secret meetings which involve group masturbation. They have families which they love but they have this drive to be with another guy. They don't want to risk sti's so they stick with watching each other masturbate. They join the same gyms or clubs, that way nobody ever suspects something when a group of friends go out together.

 These men identify as straight or straight-ish, I guess the straight-ish is their sheepish way of admitting some degree of bisexuality. I know it's wrong of me to say they are not straight and they can call themselves whatever they want to but again if I think about myself, it doesn't make sense. Since most of you are gay reading this, would you but in the effort of finding women who like to sleep with gay men? Would you place adds, go through dating sites, drive across town to special adult shops and theaters, all to find a woman when you claim to like only men? I think if we were slightly obsessed with finding women as well as men, doesn't that make us bisexual?

  This is all part of the interesting subject known as male sexuality. I am not judging anyone here, call yourself whatever you want or don't want to be called. Either way I find it fascinating, most people have no clue what is really going on around them. I think you will see more and more of this with the younger generation as homosexual attractions becomes much more acceptable. In fact at work, many of the young men see being bigoted towards gay people on the same level as saying the "n" word and that's fantastic. I was reading recently where men in college are seeking affection from each other instead of from women, they said it was easier as women make relationships complicated, that may soon translate into sex as well but most guys so far said no, that they draw the line at sex. However if a good number of guys actually do have some degree of bisexuality and are raised that there is nothing wrong with it, many may form friends with benefits type partnerships. I think that would be good for society in one way because people would have a more open mind about sexuality, the drawback could be guys that are lazy about putting any effort into a relationship.

First Kiss, First Real Kiss.

 This evening I was listening to people on tv joking about their first kiss. This had me laughing over the awkward moment of a first kiss. I began thinking about my first kiss and my first real kiss, what the differences were to me. My first kiss was with a girl at 13, I was over at her house and she wanted to know what kissing was like. I could make jokes about it being gross but actually it was nice. Sometimes I feel sorry for the kids today when I think of the difference between our generations. Here we were, two shy kids sneaking a few kisses in before the adults or little brothers caught us. The innocence and complete naivety on our part compared to what goes on between teens these days.

 I never really kissed someone again until I was around 25, that's when I met Billy. Back to the drawing board with a first time kiss, only this time, it was my first kissing a guy. We parked somewhere and it felt weird, like we were doing it because we thought we should, I remember both of us felt regret after. I think it was internal homophobia that caused us to feel that way. A few days later we started practicing man on man kissing in order to improve. To be honest, even though Billy was a nice guy, he was the worst kisser ever! He kept doing this open mouth thing that was annoying, half the time I was kissing air, I would have to ask him to close his mouth so that I could make contact.

 My first real kiss was with Dan, it's what every love song or romantic poem is about. When my lips first touched his it was electricity, two people bonding into one. I remember our first time, I asked him if I could kiss him, he stared at me for what seemed like an hour and then nodded yes with a cute smile and leaned in. I would later find out he was staring at me on purpose to put me on edge. The first time we kissed, we stayed up all night together just talking and getting to know each other. I say this was my first real kiss because it felt very different to me compared to the others. Like a fairytale, it was my first kiss falling in love.

Extinction

 Today it was announced that the last male Northern White Rhinoceros died, he was 45 and lived in a sanctuary surrounded by heavily armed guards. This is probably the end of the species as two females remain but never seemed to be able to breed.

 Many evenings I watch documentaries about the accomplishments of mankind, computers, cars, flight, disease prevention and space exploration. Sometimes watching these shows a person can forget about the flip side of mankind. This would be one of those ugly moments. Man can be such a twit, the loss of such a rare animal because of ignorance and superstition. If you can't get an erection, Viagra is a better option than rhino. If it's for fertility, what, seven billion people isn't enough?

 It's sad to think that one day children will look at pictures of wild animals and ask their grandparents what it was like to have them around. This is one reason I feel that zoos are a good source of genetic preservation to keep animals from going over the edge. As long as it's done right and they are well taken care of, which I think most zoos in western countries are striving for. It would be sad for a struggling country to finally get their act together, only to discover that it's too late. Maybe it's already too late unless humans rethink population growth.

 Unlike the first man on the moon or the invention of personal computers, this is a sad historical moment because regarding the younger generations coming up, we get to say, "I remember when the White Rhinos died out".  That's not a legacy to be proud of.

Call Me by "MY" Name.

 Months before I placed my mom in a nursing home, she would have moments of confusion, I always found these would be warning signs of what will come. One day she no longer recognized me as her son, she thought I was her youngest brother, that was a wake up call to put more effort in finding her care. After an hour she came to her senses and was back to normal.

 Finding a spot takes time and when I moved her in, the stress of living in a new situation really took its toll, her confusion became much worse. To add to that, a constant changing of a cocktail of drugs for anxiety, sleeplessness, stress, blood pressure etc, only made things worse. It was no surprise then that she soon forgot I am her son.

 I tell people my sister and I take whatever little gifts we can get, there is no use in being upset over our situation. The truth is, there is no cure, things will only get worse, there is nothing we can do about it except to try and give her the best life that we can. That's not to say there aren't days where we are in tears or feel angry at the world.

 My gift is that she always knows me, she is excited to see me, she just no longer understands how we relate to each other. She no longer calls me Steven, she sometimes calls me by my father's name or by one of her brothers names. If you ask her however, where is Steven, she will point to me but if you ask who is that, she will say her younger brother.  It
bothers me a little but I have gotten used to it, I know I can't take it personally. A good friend of mine who worked with Alzheimer's patients warned me about this years ago, plus it's almost two years now since I placed mom and I became her little brother.

 With new medication things are going really well for her now and I stress the word now because I know it will change. I felt that was this year's little gift and we will gladly take it. You can imagine then, the wave of emotion that hit me the other day as I was signing mom out, and she was in her room getting her coat, I heard her excitedly tell the woman helping her, "my son Steven is here to take me out"! I know that may be the last time she ever calls me Steven, I am not going to read anything into it, I just closed my eyes and smiled as I accepted one of life's small gifts.

Blame Jupiterians, Sunday Sermon (III)

  I blogged this week about a visit I had from a group of Jehovah's hotnesses, yes the spelling mistake was on purpose, I mentioned they looked like GQ models, there is something extra attractive about forbidden fruit. When I lived in the city, I often had visits from Jehovah's witnesses, sometimes I would speak with them, they were always polite and being younger at the time, I often felt it was important for other people to hear what I had to say (so embarrassing now).

 This makes me think about a visit I had years ago. The guys started in about trying times, floods, wars, earthquakes, hurricanes and wondered was I worried about God sending us a message. I said no, you could have heard a pin drop after. I guess most people would say yes it's a sign, fearing the end is coming and that would start them into their sales pitch to join their religion. Finally the man said with complete surprise "no"? I said no, when did we ever not have war, floods, earthquakes and hurricanes. I said if people build homes on a floodplain and then they have a flood, is that God being angry or the stupidity of man. I was going to ask, what about the dinosaurs, evidence shows that they endured harsh catastrophes we can't even imagine and were finally killed off by an asteroid, what sins did they commit, but they don't believe in evolution so the argument would be pointless.

  I wondered about the planet Jupiter, back in the nineties it was struck by comet Shoemaker Levy 9, the impact was so great it could be seen from earth apparently. I heard that if the comet struck Earth, life as we know it would have ended. They say the impact left a huge scare on Jupiter, that's a natural disaster so why was God so angry with Jupiter? What did the Jupiterians do that was so bad? They seem like quiet beings, we never saw a trace of them. Could it be that things just happen, that earthquakes happen because of plates shifting, that floods happen because you built next to a river that floods. Is it possible that I don't need to buy your books or join your religion, is it possible that you already know this but are making good money from scaring people.

That's why I say no, I don't think God is sending us messages, I am fearful of war or climate change or natural disasters but these things have more to do with mankind being cruel or thoughtless, sometimes it's just horrible events in life. This thinking doesn't register with these types of people, they don't want to hear it so I never argue with them anymore. It's like debating with a four year old as to how many reindeer Santa has, eight or is it nine including Rudolf. I am not trying to insult anyone's belief system, I don't know what I really believe anymore, I'm not ready to close the door on religion, there are things out there that can't always be explained so I am not going to pretend I can.

 Regarding the Jehovah's witnesses, I would never think to mention that it's a little ironic that if we discovered beings actually living on Jupiter, the true term for them in english would be a Jovian. I wonder if they would look like GQ models?

Happy Saint Patrick's day!

 It's my turn to be offended, if I hear one more story about Irish drunks, someone is going to get a potato peeler right up their arrrr, you get the picture. The intelligent not for profit stations will run stories regarding the history of Ireland but the rest will just pull out the same old stereotypes, shouting drunk people, drinking green beer while wearing cheap plastic leprechaun hats. Yesterday one radio news station played what was supposed to be Irish music just before each commercial break; however each one of the songs the station played was about getting drunk. That was offensive and insulting. There are plenty of songs they could have picked instead of just all drinking songs. Yes there are a lot of Irish people who do drink but there are many more Irish people who will not be in the bars tonight. Anyway Happy St Patrick's day! Now did anyone see where I put my potato peeler?

Pulling Back From The Edge.

 I find the older I get, the more emotional I get. I don't know if it's a matter of getting softer with each passing year, less testosterone or maybe we have more empathy as we age. I don't like it, I feel at times like I'm becoming unstable. I often thought it was a gay thing, other guys didn't seem to be going through the same or so I thought. I have noticed however some of my straight friends struggling with emotions now as well. I was having a good conversation one day with an older cousin of mine, she was asking how I was coping with everything, especially regarding mom. I confided in her that it bothers me regarding how emotional I can get. She just laughed and said "that's normal, especially men as they get older". She is much older than me, with a husband and three brothers, she assured me that I am normal. She went on to say that she felt the men in her life were more emotional and sentimental now than the women of the same age group. That made me feel good, looks like I am not the only one and it's not a "gay" thing. I wonder if especially for straight guys, it could be harder since from a young age, they learned to hide any emotions. Now they are experiencing a flood of emotions and have no skills to handle them.

 For myself, I feel there is a battle constantly going on, I think it's good to release tension but I also think it's dangerous to dwell on a sad event, I feel that it could drag me down, to a place where it could be hard to crawl out of. Emotions are weird, it's strange how they can just creep up on you, all it takes is a smell, the sight of a familiar place or a sound and suddenly you are back in time, in that very moment, not remembering the moment but actually in the moment with full emotional responses and all.

 I happened to be shopping last week and I could faintly hear this really pretty song, I was thinking to myself that I knew it but wasn't quite catching it over the store announcements. Suddenly everything went quiet and I could clearly here the song. It was a song I liked, by a group called the Sundays, (Here's Where The Story Ends). In a split second it transported me back to the last time I remember hearing it. Dan and I had broke up, I had hoped we would fix things but he had asked me to collect the rest of my stuff from his place. My sister and I drove out and everything was waiting outside in a shed. We packed up the cars and left, he never came out of the house. We didn't have room for everything so after I stopped at a gas station, I text him to let him know he can do whatever he wanted with the rest of my belongings. I then text "take care of yourself Dan" and drove off knowing the relationship was truly over. While driving home, playing loudly was "here's where the story ends, here is where the story ends"!

  I wasn't standing in a store, I was driving away from the only partner I ever had! My eyes were filling with water, my hands were shaking, my brain was sending out a red alert of eminent crying about to happen and suddenly I heard a voice. This is absolutely true, from the back of my mind, I clearly heard, in an annoyed tone, "get it together fag"! Just the shock value I needed, it almost made me laugh. I shook off the feeling and continued with my shopping. Part of my built in defence system I guess, I try to keep from going over that emotional edge.

 When I went home that evening from the store,  I googled the song "Here's Where The Story Ends" by The Sundays because it's just a pretty song, it has nothing to do with what happened, I wanted to take away that negative emotional power I felt when I heard it and to be honest, I want to give the song back its beauty.

Red or White?

 Space Force, I'm being lazy today,  SPACE FORCE!!! The United Space Force of America, Spaaaaaace Fooooorce! Wow, you just can't make this crap up! You know I was thinking that the one thing humanity really needs, is a weapons program dedicated to space. How wonderful it would be for the Republican party to be the first government to kill someone in space. Maybe they could put the person who came up with this idea into a rocket, aim for deep space and press the button!

 Red or white? I need to relax, calm my nerves, I don't really drink but I do like a glass of wine, maybe two. People always ask red or white as they are getting ready to open the bottle of red. "White", I answer and the room falls silent, you would think I had just said something along the lines of "I enjoy kicking puppies". I don't like red wine, it's actually physical, as soon as I smell or take a sip of red wine, I have a burning sensation in my throat and down to my chest. I don't understand why, it's not like I became ill from drinking red wine or was poisoned by a bad batch.

 I like white, (oh no Mr Lurker is going to call me racist again). White wine to me feels soothing going down and no after taste. I find that I enjoy one glass, I only have a second if it's going to be a long evening. It really helps me to relax, as you can probably guess, I am tense around a group of people, especially if there are strangers in the group. Some of my friends tease after I had a glass, they will say "oh Steve found his voice". I do enjoy that wave of calm that washes over me halfway through my glass. I am also very aware not to become addicted to that wave.

 Everyone relax and have a drink, we could sure use one these days, raise your glass and let's all toast to the creation of Space Force One; however if you can't find Korea on a map, how are you ever going to invade Mars!

Nut Free Blog.

 This is a nut free blog, no I don't have a nut allergy and I am not giving away free nuts. I'm also not being cheeky with jokes about nuts on a gay blog. I mean I don't want nutty people finding this blog. I don't have a problem with odd people or introvered, nerdy, geeky, shy, strange, eclectic, earthy, etc, etc but I don't want nutty people! Sometimes I play around with the stats provided by blogger, it's interesting to see who is reading this blog. One of the features shows how people came here, so if they came here from another blog that I'm not familiar with, I will read that blog. This has led me to some interesting blogs.

 Lately however I am being linked to some blogs that are a little scary, a little whacky. Some days I am reading posts where the person is writing about how the looney left-wing won't let their kindergarten teacher bring a sawed off shotgun to class but they let two gay guys get married, usually the sentence ends with three or four exclamation points. Now I am not saying that the left can't get looney, (because it sure can) but that is not an argument, guns in class and gay marriage are not different sides of one coin. How can you even reason with that kind of non thinking. I'm not a stickler for spelling and punctuation like many of you are but I get uneasy when a blog writer is trying to sway people with a blog that looks like a ten year old wrote.

 Who was it, which one of you went to the crazy people blogs? Just stop it now! I know it's probably one of you American readers, you guys have become so polarized and you love to argue about everything. Debating is good, sharing ideas is great but picking sides and arguing extremes is pointless, telling someone off just for the drama of telling someone off, is embarrassingly immature. The world is getting scary, time for everyone to take a breath and grow up fast.

 I just want to assure you that this is a nut free blog, no soybeans and gluten free also, May contain milk ingredients, I can't help that, I like frozen yogurt and chocolate milk.

Good bye bright light.

 As I was getting ready for bed, there was breaking news that Stephen Hawking had passed away, he was 76. I often watched documentaries regarding him or heard presentations by him. I am always amazed that some people are so intelligent and can see the bigger picture for mankind, while others are just above being a monkey in pants with a gun. I think mankind lost a bright light today and that makes me sad on so many levels because I feel at this moment in history, we can really use people of vision.

Well, hello stranger!

 Friday it snowed here, not a lot but enough for the snowplow to gate me in. I was staying home that day and felt that I would deal with it later. No point in clearing the snow out only to have it shoved back in as soon as I finished. I confess I was being a slob, I wanted to do some work outside so I didn't shower, shave, comb my hair or dress up that morning. I figured I was safe, the snow bank across my lane would act as a barrier to lost tourists, sales men or unwanted visitors. The house is far from the road, so people's aversion to walking also protects me. Needless to say, I was quite startled by a knock at the door.

 I was just coming up from my basement, still in my outdoor clothes and trust me, they are not "work clothes by Gap". I figured because of the snow bank, it must be one of my neighbours, they must have come in with a 4x4 (four wheel drive, for the dainty folks) and they would probably have on the same latest trend in clothing as I was wearing. As I opened the door it was every gay man's dream and nightmare all at once. There stood two young men and they couldn't possibly be more handsome than any daydream I could make up in my head, to top it off they were dressed quite well. Friendly and well spoken with warm smiles that could melt butter. I noticed a third man sitting in the van and he was just as cute. They were sent by God, to fulfill every fantasy I ever had..... actually no wait, they were sent by God or at least they thought that Jehovah wanted them to come and talk with me. Yes they were Jehovah's witnesses but I sensed that right away. Seriously and I mean seriously, where do they get these guys, from a GQ magazine? My brain is saying, "don't let them in" but another part of me is saying, " invite them in for tea, cookies, or a group shower maybe"? We don't have Mormons around here but I am told they are often cute as well. I text a friend and asked why the Catholic church never had young guys like that, maybe I would have stayed if it wasn't all blue haired old biddies that want to gripe all the time.

 I didn't let them in, I just took the pamphlet and thanked them, as one guy handed me the pamphlet, I swear I saw a cute twinkle in his eye, like a handsome cartoon character in a Disney movie. They usually don't bother you after if you don't speak to them. I know a lot of people become hostile towards them but I don't, they think that they are helping you and while it's annoying, it's harmless so I don't see the point of being hateful towards them.

 I told my friend I didn't let them in because the hotties are the bait, if you let them in that makes them think you are interested, then the next time they will send the recruiting professional, a troll or the big woman with the wart on her face to close the deal. I can see why there are so many gay adult movies with this theme, the young handsome man coming to the door, only to be invited in and convinced to express his repressed gay desires. Well actually I am not sure about the number of movies, I mean I heard there are some out there but I haven't watched any! The truth is I doubt there are any movies out there, where three incredibly handsome, young, well dressed men get turned on by an older disheveled, looking man in baggy clothes, smelling like a barn and they strip to begin exploring  their hidden gay desires.

The Miracle of Time.

 Time heals all wounds, only time will tell, it takes time. These and many other sayings are repeated over and over. I always thought time was something set in stone but physicists tell us no, it can bend. I guess that explains the miracle that happens each spring here. The locals whisper about it but mostly I try to keep it quiet.

There is a clock high on the wall in my kitchen, it's above an upright freezer, I need a step stool to reach it so I basically leave it alone. This is the third clock in this spot and I suspect the miracle is because of the violent death the first clock suffered, it was killed by a lightening strike. After that horrible event, we always used the battery powered clocks. Every three years or so I have to put in the effort of changing the battery, other than that it's hands off. Eventually the time goes out of whack and my neighbours begin teasing me about changing the time, which I never do. However at a certain time of year, a miracle happens and people come from the surrounding area to witness it.

 People started silently shuffling in after dark, many older ladies brought prayer beads, some carried holy water. Some people of different faiths came as well. Some people prayed, some spoke in soft voices, some burned incense, some lit candles, everyone was respectful of their neighbour. One man had ear buds in and was quietly listening to the radio, after a few hours he spoke up and said the news was reminding people of the time change. Everyone nodded in agreement and began adjusting their watches. Suddenly one woman gasped and pointed towards the wall!

 The silent room was filled with shouts, gasping, laughter, crying, chanting and singing. People were pointing up, rubbing their eyes in disbelief, the miracle happened, the clock on the wall had somehow corrected itself!

 If anyone new is reading this, sorry you have just been exposed to my terrible sense of humour, I will say that absolutely everything here is actually true except the part of people showing up during the night.

My Little Girl.

 I don't have any children and I really regret that but as a single gay man there was not much I could do about it. There have been children in my life and I try to be the fun uncle type, even though I have no nephews and nieces. Today I went to take my little girl out for a treat. I go to pick her up, she sees me and is waiting by the door before I even get up the steps. Right away she asks, "are we going somewhere"? I ask her if she wants to go for a drive and a treat at the donut shop. I already know the answer, she lights up and says "oooh yes I'd love that"! I get her to go to the washroom before we go because I know halfway there it will be "I need to go to the bathroom".

 We get there and I pick a table, I ask her to stay put while I get our order. I keep my eye on her in case she decides to move or a stranger speaks to her. The line takes too long today, it makes me anxious but finally I have our order. I have to set up her food and drink for her, make sure she doesn't spill her drink on her clothes. I always get plenty of extra napkins, they will be needed. She asks me, "did you see mom today" I tell her no, she asks about her older brother, I say I have no clue what he is up to. She asks silly questions, I answer the best I can. I ask her if she did arts and crafts, she says no but I know she did. I ask her if she did games with her friends, again she says no but I know she did.

She enjoys her treat, that makes me feel good. Her fingers are all sticky and she has crumbs all down her front. I do my best dad imitation and help brush her off, I get her to wipe her fingers and we get ready to go. I'm careful crossing the parking lot back to the car, I worry she might get hit by some idiot not paying attention, I worry she might slip, fall and get soaked or hurt.

 We do some errands and then I take the shorter route back, she asks if we can go somewhere else but I tell her I am supposed to have her back by five, this makes her a little sad but she says nothing. We return and again I am pretending to be a dad, I help her with her coat buttons, hat, removing her boots and to put her shoes back on. I tell her I have to go and will see her soon, she goes into the living room to watch tv. As I walk down the steps I wave to her watching me through the living room window, she happily waves back. As I get into my car, I almost feel like crying and wonder why something like this could happen to you mom.

The Unwanted Thought.

 There is no benefit to worrying about something that may or may not happen. Sometimes that is easier said than done. I recently read a piece about a young man trying to find love in the city where I work. He spoke about the difficulty in finding someone and naturally it makes me reflect on my own situation. I don't want to be alone, I want to be with someone. I am not picky but he has to be decent, I have no intention of settling for someone just to have a boyfriend. After the last guy, I need to feel that I can trust the new person. I can't get hurt like that again, he really broke my heart, it was late in life but he was my first love. I had never felt that way about someone before, I would really love to find that feeling again, it's a part of the answer to that "meaning of life" question I feel.

 I try not to get down about it but when I read other blogs and they are going through the same issues, it's troubling. Many of you are in big cities, many of you have much more interesting lives than I do and most of you have a much more active social life than I do. I can't help thinking, if these guys can't find love, what chance do I have. I don't need someone to go skydiving in Brazil with, I just want someone who hands me a cup of tea because he made himself some and gives me one, no questions asked because he loves me. I want that look, when someone loves you, there is a look that they give you, it's reserved for you and only you. Sometimes you will catch him staring at you in a crowded room, he will smile and you know what the look means, when he does it, at times you feel dizzy, sometimes like little shocks in your stomach or even like your legs will collapse from under you. When you have someone like this, things just feel whole and life feels lived to a fuller extent. Finding that person and being in love with that person is part of the answer to the meaning of life.

The Penis Measurement Job.

 I want the penis measurement job! I was reading some articles on sexuality (because I'm a guy), especially male sexuality and anatomy. Seems that when past researchers wanted data regarding length of the average penis, the owners of those penises lied! Unbelievable right? I would never have thought guys would do something so dishonest, did they not realize the middle finger they were giving science. Even more bizarre, like some secret agreement within hidden men's clubs, all the men lied, claiming that their penis was actually bigger than it really was and oddly enough no one claimed it was smaller.

 It was decided that someone other than the penis owners would take the measurements. I want that job! They mostly use college aged men or soldiers from the army, where do I sign up! I would be polite and professional, no drooling what so ever! Duties include measuring the penis when flaccid and then measuring it when erect. I think it's only fair to take the erect measurements twice so as not to cause anxiety with the owners, we want them at their full potential. I would diligently record length, cut/uncut, race, thickness etc. I think that would be one of those jobs that you wake up in the morning and start pinching yourself.

 It can't be all that difficult I would imagine, I assume the main thing is to keep your tools warm. I  could negatively affect my readings if I left everything in the car over night at below zero. I know true measurements are read from the top of the penis, none of this measuring from the side or bottom and sneaking in an extra inche or two. That's cheating and it's unnecessary, guys don't need to be stressed about size, most are the same. Anyway I think that would be a cool job to have, the penis measurement guy! I guess it would be a little awkward trying to explain to people what I do for a living but probably not as awkward as for the person shaking my hand when they suddenly realize I spend all day touching men's genitals.

An "oops" between the lines.

  Sometimes people say something and there's a hidden message in their statement, sometimes the person saying it doesn't realize what they are really saying. For example, one day back in high school, we were in a world religions class. My school was a Catholic school, not all the kids were Catholic but most of my friends, neighbours, relatives, enemies, strangers etc were Catholic, so you get the picture. One of my classmates remarked about how many different Protestant religions there were and wondered out loud which one was the best. At this point, without thinking about what I was saying, I answered that Anglicans were because they were the closest to being Catholic. One of my Anglican classmates said, "whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying, you can't say we are better because we are almost like you guys, we are our own religion, we're not second rate Catholics! You are not some standard that we have to measure up to"!  I realized he was right, I apologized and we laughed about that for months after. I felt embarrassed by my ignorance but at the same time I was glad it happened, it was a good lesson involving stereotypes, judgement and prejudice. It was also a reason to question some of what I absorbed growing up, what I had spewed out that day was not out of the blue, I had heard that thought many times from older people around me.

 I am not going to pretend here that I am mister perfect, walking around correcting injustice everywhere. I am a regular schmuck trying to have an open mind about a lot of things, I work at seeing people as people and try to ignore, culture, religion, political views, race etc, as things to divide us but I have my weak moments.

 This week, maybe I am wrong but I think I saw an "oops did you realize what you meant"? It happened when I was watching The Voice, a singing contest type show. It's the only tv channel I get lately so I sat down to watch it. The four judges this year work well together and are pretty funny. It happened when one man was singing, the judges can't see who is singing and must only pick based on vocal performance. A white, cowboy type guy came out and began to sing. However surprisingly he sang more of an African American soul/gospel style. Only one judge picked him, my shock came from the reaction of the judge Kelly Clarkson. When she turned around she went into complete shock at seeing this white guy. She said I can't believe you are white, I actually understand that part and it was a little funny. It's what she began saying next that shocked me, she kept implying that if she only knew, she would have picked him. I was thinking "WOW, that is so wrong"! In other words, when she thought a black man was singing well, she had no interest in choosing him for her team. However when she realized that it was actually a white man that had been singing, she kept repeating over and over how much she regretted not choosing him. Maybe I am off here, no one else seems to have picked up on that. I don't think Kelly Clarkson is a racist but I think (like I did with the Anglican remark) that a lot of people hold prejudice views without even knowing it. I'm not saying this to judge or point fingers, it's just something that people, including me, can work on. I should say here that even though she talks none stop like an auctioneer and can be slightly annoying, Clarkson is funny and is probably a really nice person in real life. I just felt I had a glimpse of some of the problems people in minority groups face, problems I didn't even realize were out there and from people who should have been more aware.

Crusty Old Goat!

 When I get older I am never going to criticize the younger generation's music, the way they dress or how they look. I am never going to make fun of the way they act, the way they speak or the belief system they hold. I will not start a negative sentence with the phrase "kids these days"! This is a promise I often made after I left high school and entered into my twenties.

 Today a "few" years later.... and yet I find myself becoming that grumpy man that I promised I would never be. I can't stand most of today's music, especially most modern rap, if I'm watching tv and they bring out the latest rapper, I can't turn it off fast enough. To me it's a bunch of people yelling at me with a sound track similar to a dog chewing a squeaky toy. Same with most pop songs, I find them so syrupy that they make me shiver. Pull your darn pants up! I can't believe that trend stuck, I don't want to see your baggy underwear hanging off your flabby butt! Don't complain to me when store employees seem alarmed by you, maybe it's the fact of you walking (shuffling) around with a ball cap pulled down over your eyes and a hoodie over your head, were you raised by bank robbers! It's ok not to follow fashion and it's ok to want to feel comfortable but why are you wearing pyjamas to school when you don't wear them to bed, even more offensive when you do wear them to bed and then to school. Don't wear thin white pants out on a rainy day when you are not wearing underwear.

 I have nothing against piercings but when you affect cell reception, I think there's a problem. A nice tattoo in the right spot can look good but when people think you are wearing a shirt, I find that gross. Those stars, crosses and dragons look hot on those six packs, wait until you see them across a beerbelly or sagging boobs, (men and women). I won't lecture about cell phones, kids parents are just as bad but do they need to walk around taking a selfie while doing EVERYTHING! I'm getting tired of people knowing my every move because I made it into someone else's Facebook page, just shopping for groceries or buying shoes. Makes me fear having to get a colonoscopy or some other similar procedure!

 I don't relate anymore, I'm stuck in the past. Kids these days! Kids these days have no grasp on reality, they have no manners, they are entitled! The truth is that I also see a lot of good coming from the younger generation so it's not that I dislike younger people. Like every generation there will be great people and some not so great people. Actually it's more upsetting that I am on the road to becoming the grumbling older guy I vowed never to be.

Sunday Sermon (II)

 I was thinking about using the title, Jesus and the Homosexuals, or Jesus cures a gay man but I didn't want to draw the wrong kind of attention. This morning I had my Bible out and was researching parables to illustrate how sinful you people are, no just kidding, I'm sure most of you already know how sinful you are! The story I was looking for is Jesus heals the Centurion's servant. I am not sure if you are familiar with this story but there's a buzz in the gay community that the men in the parable are lovers.

 You can find a version of the story if you Google Luke 7, the book of Matthew also has the parable. Basically a Roman official pleads with Jesus to save his dying male servant, some say slave, it's indicated that the servant is very special to him. The surprise here is that a Roman official would even think about asking Jesus, Romans had their own belief system, and were considered enemies of the Jewish people. Readers wonder what would make a Centurion be so desperate to save a servant, that he would lower himself to ask for help from a man that was considered a radical even by his own people. In those days life was worth nothing, a rich Roman official could just buy another slave. Some people claim that the original words used, translate into a servant that was also taken on as a lover. That certainly could be one explanation for his actions, people will try almost anything to save a loved one!

 Typical for Christians, instead of using this to connect with the gay community, they are having a meltdown. I have been reading arguments pro and con regarding this as a story featuring a gay couple. The thing that makes them squirm is the thought that Jesus didn't step back, laugh and say, "you guys are feeling God's wrath for living as a gay couple".
There was no pointing a finger, or disapproving shake of his head, he just agrees to help and the man is saved.

 It's interesting to see the scramble to clean this story up. Many of the newer translations are saying that they actually meant to say his son and not servant/slave, that's convenient. I know personally I can't tell you how many times I've confused a family member for a servant boy. There is also mention that the Centurion may be spiritual and was kind to the people. It's possible that he formed a friendship with this man and just wanted to help. It's hard to figure out, we would have to rely on the earlier copies. Religious people lie, even worse if they feel their dogma is being challenged. I wish true historians would dissect this and give us their conclusions. I don't trust either side, the gay positive side is also selective, picking and choosing the words and cultural quirks that make their version seem to be the true version.

 There are passionate arguments for both versions; however I have noticed there has always been a strong push to cover up anything about the gay community. For example, for years we were told that homosexuality didn't exist in animals. That turned out to be completely false, the information was being suppressed, nobody wanted to upset the heterosexuals, proving that  the truth is not always important to people with an ideology. I just want the truth about this parable and nothing more, as it probably won't change the belief system I have anyway. However there are a lot of gay Christians and I would love to be able to tell them, why let some foaming at the mouth minister judge you for being gay, when Jesus didn't.

Books... I haven't read.

 In the profile section, it asks about favorite books, I never like to fill in those sections because my taste changes as I get older. Also some books that I loved at one time, are no longer interesting to me. I began thinking that I haven't read many books about gay relationships or books regarding acceptance towards being gay. Strange when I think about it but also not that strange, in my early days I would have been terrified to have been outed. Even now, I never think about reading anything regarding gay love or on living as a gay man, I think I should, there must be some good books out there. When I first started coming out, I read a short love story that had a huge impact on me. It was recommended to me by a blog writer that I used to email with before I started my own blog. It was an online novel, not sure if that counts, I think one of the things that impacted me most was that it was set in my city, the man's friends were like many of my friends. I remember not wanting the love story to end. That gave me a view of what life could be like. Through complete coincidence, the main character's first experience with love happened in the same place as me. I forgot the title, it wasn't a prize winning story but it affected me in a positive way.

 I read The Joy of Gay Sex. I liked the matter of fact way it presented itself. It was one of the first books that I read where not only did they "not"  tell me gay men were sick people, it actually was saying, "you're gay, here's how to have fun with that"! The drawings were some of the first man on man images I had ever seen. I remember also reading a book by a man who came out in the seventies and his experiences, then I shut down my gay side and completely ignore it for years. I do remember once or twice going to an adult store and buying magazines with more pictures of man on man love. I was so homophobic that I wouldn't buy them in my city, I would get on a bus to cross a river into another city on the other side, wow I feel sorry for that kid, to be so frightened. I remember as well, coming home one night and the apartment was supposed to be empty; however my sister and her friends were there, they were playing around and as I walked towards my bedroom, one friend grabbed me. I was so frightened, I was holding a paper bag with gay porn magazines inside, one peek and I felt my life would be over! I managed to get away and recover from my near heart attack. The funny thing is it would have been fine, some of those friends were gay, they were keeping that from me!

 I have watched movies with gay themes, again not that many lately, I should correct that. I also think one reason for not reading many books regarding the gay community is finding this blog world. I can't tell you how much it helped me in my coming out. Also it would be boring to read about what living as a gay couple might be like, when I was reading about and friends with, actual gay couples who wrote about their day to day lives. It was shocking at first, "you mean gay couples actually do laundry and shop for groceries, just like other people do"! I loved reading about the everyday stuff at first, I would picture myself cuddling up on the couch with someone to watch tv after just having supper. If society becomes open and inclusive towards gay people, how odd that coming out books will be obsolete, they will be stored away somewhere and a little gay kid will find them and be shocked by what his gay elders had to fight for.





 As a side note, I just saw a trailer for a new movie coming to theaters, it seemed to be about a young man coming out to his family and starting his gay life. I missed the title but it looked like it might be good. I didn't know gay people still come out, I thought that wasn't trendy anymore, I thought I was a dinosaur for having gone through that.

This Again! Insane!

I didn't want to start the month off on a negative, so I wrote the rabbit post, a lighter post on purpose because of the garbage that came out of the news Wednesday. The overlord of Russia is now saying that they can defeat any missile defence system, that they can bomb the U.S. without anything stopping them. They also bragged about a new missile that runs on nuclear power, this way it will always reach its destination. They also threatened they would use these weapons even if it was the U.S. fighting with one of their allies.

 I don't know if they have that capability to carry this out for real but it looks like the cold war is back on. When I saw that Wednesday night I was incredulous, this again! Here we go once more. Humanity has to be so careful of these powerful but aging old men, I think they feel if they have to die soon, everyone else should too, a literal scorched earth policy. I can remember being a kid and worried that someone was going to press the nuclear button. How does mankind keep putting such stupid leaders in power.

 Turns out the people who have been saying all along that Russia has continued to develop weapons were correct. Now of course they denied it, I guess it's a conspiracy, just like all the Russian athletes at the Olympics, were born with steroids already in their systems. Thinking about younger generations, I feel sorry for today's kids, I was hoping they wouldn't have to live with this cloud over their heads. I am so disgusted right now, I thought we had finally got rid of all that Armageddon talk, things seem to move in circles, everything keeps coming back around, over and over. It showed him giving a speech, with a giant screen behind him, on the screen was a video of him talking. The giant face on screen,  makes a person remember every bad world domination movie they ever made.

Rabbit!

 There is a belief among some of the other bloggers that if a person says the word rabbit on the first day of a month, it's supposed to bring good luck. I'm not a superstitious person but what the hey, I'll play along. Unlike the other bloggers however; I have the "country cred" to pull it off. Unfortunately blogger will not let me post pictures but some of my best buddies are bunnies. I have five, they are all girls, being all female there is no chance of a "mistake". Mine are all pet breeds meaning small in size. Blackie, Blue Bell, Chinchin, Patches and Snowball. Blue Bell is a Lionhead, Chinchin is a Dwarf and the rest are mixed. On bad days they are one of my happy places to go.

 I strongly DISCOURAGE people from getting a rabbit as a pet. There is more work to them than people realize. They often don't make good pets if you don't know what you are doing. Surprising to many people, the females can become total bitches, yes you read that correct. Females see their cage or pen as their territory to secure for their future babies, so they will defend it. Often they become aggressive towards the person caring for them.  Also rabbits have a good sense of smell, so they can instantly smell a stranger's hand being placed in their cage, a rabbit that is kind to their owner, may bite someone else, so just be careful. Killer bunny is not far off, they can bite or strike you with their front feet, which can really scratch. I am only being honest here because all my rabbits came to me from being unwanted, that is the reason why I won't breed them. The other odd thing that drives rabbit owners crazy, is even though they can be extremely aggressive towards people and other rabbits, they usually, totally give up when a predator catches them, which is too bad because they can really slice and dice with their back feet.

 The males tend to be more relaxed but I have heard of a few becoming aggressive as well. The problem with male rabbits is you can't have another male around, it's one of the few animals you can never train to accept another male. The females usually get along, Chinchin, Patches and Snowball share a pen. I never keep them in a small cage, they either run in a pen or I build them a large cage, the reason is it makes them smarter and have a lot of personality. Most people think that rabbits are dumb, while they are not like a dog, if you think about it, how smart would your dog be if you locked it in a small cage for ever.

 My girls live in the barn but are used to the climate, I actually have a slight allergy to them so I could never have them in the house. I have had Blackie the longest but she is the most aggressive so I have to make sure she knows it's me, Blue Bell is the sweetest and most relaxed, Patches is my second favorite, Snowball is the quickest to come to me but is independent so if I don't have a treat, it's "see ya" and Chinchin is the most aloof, she is also Patches and Snowball's mother, she came to me pregnant. There you have some rabbit info, lol. Hopefully you have some good luck, if you win on a lottery ticket, just remember me! ;)