Think I'll stop here, at least for now.

When I started blogging, way back in 2007, I became part of a community of gay people coming out, supporting each other, sharing experiences etc, it was a little exciting actually, almost like a second adolescence. I really missed it when I moved and no longer had internet access, I really missed the people who I had met on line. After getting net access again I thought about starting back but waited for a while. This time it's different, blogging is the VCR of technology and not many do it anymore. Especially not many of my past blog buddies, sadly many deleted their blogs and the result is a lot of good posts are gone forever. ............................................ I blog mostly to get stuff out of my head, but lately I have nothing to say, or things I want to say but hold back for many reasons. My blog has never felt the same this time around and I have to remind myself to do it, like a chore. I didn't connected with many people this time, I do say I blog for me but I like meeting other people as well. I did get to meet with a small group of super sexy men and I am really happy about that. I know some of the reasons for the blog going cold, like putting up a picture so people can relate to the poster etc were some of the things I should have done. Mainly I think people sense when you are passionate about something like first coming out, compared to blabbing on about buying socks. ................................. I will stop here, I'm not interested in blogging anymore. I don't want to say I quit, not that final, because Murphy's law will strike and something could come up that I want to vent about and I would look stupid saying "I'm back" after saying goodbye. Also blogger has done something to make it harder for people to read blogs, I guess they are trying to get people to sign up to their sites, a good way to make people do the reverse. To the super sexy guys, you have my email and I am going back to my lurker ways so I will watch what people are up to including you gentlemen.

Stepped into it I did.

Well here is what I have been up to, a little while ago, I suddenly had the urge to do something about my lack of gay friends and I decided to put out feelers for my area, I had the bright idea that I would be more inclined to follow up with a friendship if the people were close by. At first I was very pleased with the response, there were some good emails going back and forth between myself and different guys. I was surprised by the number as well. The problem appeared within a few days however when I was trying to meet with some of them. It turns out, from the group of about fifteen guys, fourteen are married and wanted to start something on the side, the one who is single does seem to be nice but he says he is fifty one; however looks more like seventy one. Oh well, it was worth a try.

Not So Fast "lady".

Sometimes being gay, being different from most men, can have funny results. I have an email account that I don't use often. I call it my "make sure you are not crazy email account". I use it when I am first meeting someone or joining a group. Lately I am receiving a lot of spam, some is very clever in the way it is presented, almost the way a close friend would email. However I don't use my real name, so they are busted when they email, "hey Tom it's me, still single?" The funniest for me though is the constant, buddy I have the perfect girl for you, (no you don't) or remember me it's your best girl, we had a blast (not likely) lets hook up again, (what do you mean again), many women liked your picture (amazing since I never took one) and finally, just a lonely girl looking for a hook up with a cute guy, (well then, just keep looking sister because I am looking for the exact same thing). It's funny when they assume I am straight, it gives them away immediately. Of course the sad truth is if someone sent an email "I'm the hot guy who met you last week", I would instantly know it was spam as well.

Ground Control to Major Tom?

I was saddened to hear about David Bowie dying, I don't really follow famous people's private lives so I was not aware that he had cancer. I credit him for inspiring many of the bands that I used to listen to growing up. I was not a dedicated fan but I liked a lot of his music. I don't know a lot about music so I want to blog about him from a different angle. Besides being ground breaking in music, he was also ground breaking in the sexuality department and gender bending. As a gay boy growing up he gave me that flicker of courage, of course I kept blowing out that flicker of courage but that's another post. A part of me wants to claim him as "ours", listening to the radio stations everyone is making statements about how great he was and how everyone loved him and his music (typical), I know things have progressed but I remember things differently, better to leave those memories in the past. I feel Bowie was one of those steps that brought us to where we are today as a community. I actually don't know if he was gay or bisexual or who he was with at the end, I just have this gnawing feeling like we have lost another of the elders of our tribe.

You, the bestest blogger! ;)

Over the last few weeks, I have been hearing about a lottery down in the States, that has reached staggering amounts of money as in hundreds of millions. Turns out that Canadians can also buy tickets to this fortune. Now it apparently has hit the over one billion mark, with the conversion rate, if a Canadian were to win they would have to give the winner a state of their own. I would take Main or Vermont, I think they would fit into Canada better and seem like a good place to liv- um,err, I mean own. ............................................ Now comes the radio vomit, the whining, "that's just too much money" sure, "I wouldn't want it" buuuull. In all the history of lottery winnings, not once do I recall anyone ever saying, "just give me half, I don't want all of it". Studies have shown that if you were good with money before you won, you were good with money after you won and lead a good life. If you were bad with money before the win, then you are the idiot crying on the news about how you lost all your money buying drinks and gambling in casinos. ............................................. I want it all, lol, in fact if you win I will help you with this horrible money burden. Seriously not just the fun a person could have, the people and causes that could be helped, really helped. A person could do a lot of "silly" but more importantly a person could do a lot of good. ...................................... That leads me to my next statement. I don't buy tickets and I don't plan on driving to the border to get one of these billion dollar tickets; however I have a good feeling about "you" yes you know who you are, it may surprise you that I think you have the best blog on the entire net. You are by far my favorite blogger, deep down I think you felt that, maybe we didn't really connect, that is my fault I was too shy from being star struck by your awesome personality. I would hope that you don't think I am just saying this because of your pending win, what you do with your millions is your choice, but you know if you feel generous towards someone clever enough to recognize your true greatness then I would totally accept that gift, only because I want to honour your thoughtfulness towards me.

Dream'in of Seamen.

File this under WTF-rig, over the last couple of weeks I have been having repeated dreams about seamen, no wait not good dreams, gross dreams because actually they are about semen and not seamen. I don't know what the heck the interpretation of these dreams are but I'm not sure that I really want to find out. I should probably point out that I am slightly repulsed by the man goo, the smell of bleach and ammonia with the consistency of phlegm. Many times I have received warning letters about being expelled from the gay club for holding this view but I can't help it, eww, ick don't get that on or anywhere near me! .............................................. The first dream was a bit unsettling, I dreamt that I had been sleeping, on my back, in the nude (which I never do) and during the night I had contracted a type of flu bug, only the results were that instead of vomiting, I was... umm umm, shall we say being a semen fountain, all night. In the dream when I wake up, it's everywhere and there is a large puddle of it on the floor. Suddenly I hear some of my relatives coming up the stairs calling me, I have to scramble to shut the door before they see the disgusting mess. I wake up for real feeling grossed out to the point of nearly being sick. ................................... Wait, it gets worse, a few nights later I have a dream that I meet some of my gay friends at a gay bar. All seems fine, we are having a good time and are heading out to a restaurant joking and laughing, when suddenly as we pass a men's washroom, a creepy guy who had been playing with himself, darts out and smears semen on my face! With my mouth partially open from laughing you can guess what happened. The rest of the dream I am trying to have assault charges laid but I am also in a panic over the health status of the perverted guy. ...................................... That was weird/gross but it gets worse. Then there is the dream where I am in my room again and I noticed semen, on my headboard, then on the floor, curtains, window sill, some on the walls and I am trying to figure out what is going on. I look closer and I see these large black beatles, they are chewing the frame of the window and chewing holes in the walls and all the while doing this they are secreting semen, like some bugs put out silk or slugs leave a trail, it's them that are making a mess, everywhere. .............................................. The last one is not as clear, I end up going to the doctor for a lung or stomach infection, turns out to my absolute embarrassment, it's because I was not careful, at some point while spending time with myself (yes that kind of alone time) I wasn't careful with my aim and got myself in the face, causing a form of sperm infection in my lungs, where they then had to alert the entire hospital. This time I woke up from embarrassment. I have no clue what the heck this is about. I am amazed at the bizarre dreams my little brain comes up with. I'm not sure if I should be impressed, grossed out or frightened.

Empty House, Empty Home.

I know a house is just a house, but sometimes my emotional side wonders if there is a soul to a house. Not like the soul of a person but more like the collection of energy or "being" left over from the people who once lived there. I was thinking melancholy thoughts about my maternal grandparents house today with the passing of the holiday season. That typical white farm house, with generation after generation of my mother's family being raised in it. Even though her memory is fading, those early Christmas mornings are etched firmly in her mind, she still gets a huge smile when she tells us about them. She had a large family including the grandparents in her earlier days. A house full of little kids, watching out the window Christmas eve, running down the stairs in the morning, big meals, the sense of being together, the simpler times of that era. ................................... However the farm was miles from a school, there was no such thing as a school bus back then so my grandfather built a house in the village where everyone could stay for the winter, soon they would live in the village permanently and my grandfather would travel back and forth to the farm by horse and eventually car. My uncle owns the place now and since he is in his eighties and never married, he spends winter at a local seniors home. ......................................... I have this image in my head, what a contrast, Christmas day seventy years ago, a loud, busy, excited household. Children playing, adults drinking tea and the house would be filled with the smells of cooking and baking. Compared to the last few years, Christmas morning, empty, mostly silent, maybe the odd sound of cracks due to the cold, maybe the sound of a mouse that got in, emptiness. I wonder if the house feels lonely, does its spirits wonder what happened, where is everyone. There was a time when no one probably could have imagined it to be empty at Christmas. There is another part of me that feels there is something obscene about a perfectly good but empty house, when there are so many people around the world living in tents or on the streets, seems off somehow. ............................................. I am not always this sad sack at this time of year, just it seems easier to write about, anyway that's it folks, the end to the Christmas season, now on to Valentine's day where I will whine about not having a boyfriend,lol.

Twelve Drummers Drumming!

On the twelfth day of Christmas........ I actually had to google search this, I forgot what was given on the twelfth day. Twelve Drummers, Drumming, so odd in our culture now to think that this used to be the end of the holiday season. Most people want to pack up and move on from Christmas within a day or two after, myself included, Christmas is a little sad now that most of my family is gone. ............................................ I heard that there is no boxing day in the United States, is this true? Do you just go 25,Christmas then 26, regular day? I have only been boxing day shopping once in my life and that was last year, I didn't find the deals that great so I don't plan to ever do that again. ........................................... Thanks to Will and Laurent for helping me out with a little Christmas math problem, I was wondering how they got the twelve days of Christmas from December 25 to January 6, turns out the sixth is not counted as one of the days of Christmas, unless you cross over to France but that's another story. I can't link to their sites, sorry gentlemen my smart phone has a not that smart user! .......................................... Gold, frankincense and myrrh. Tomorrow is the Epiphany, marking the time when the three wise men came bringing gifts. Just the gold please, going forward if anyone wants to bring me gifts I'll take the gold. Enquiring minds need to know, frankincense and myrrh are dried tree sap (googled it) that is burned for the scent, so I am sticking to the gold only request please. .............................................. There I made it, the twelve days, I posted each day, not anything ground breaking but that's nothing new on this blog, lol. Going to try to make my cranberry oatmeal cookies tonight as a tip of the hat to the twelfth day. Now if I could just get my car back.

Pretty (cute) In Pink.

Today I had to take my mom to her dentist. While she doesn't like it, I actually look forward to going. The reason totally selfish, her dentist is a cute little gay guy, or a slightly effeminate straight man. He is very bubbly or perky and wears a lot of pink shirts, and may I add, he looks good in them. I think he knows, that we play on the same team that is. I sometimes find myself wondering if he is flirting a little, maybe it's my imagination, he is very friendly with everyone but I get this feeling. It's like he is saying, I'm in the club, we have a special secret bond. He has a great sense of humour, I like that in a person. He seems quite young but it must be good jeans because you can't come out of high school and become a dentist over night. I am ready, if he should ever ask, "want to go for a drink sometime" the answer is yes! Oh I know it won't work out but the answer is yes......... because I want to tap that, lol. ............................................. What is my count now Will? Is this the eleventh day of Christmas? In honour of Will (sorry can't link with this phone) I am leaving my lights up until the sixth, and due to the fact that there is a -30 Celsius wind chill out. Saint Cupidbunny Day was a great success, we had the traditional dinner of crisp beacon strips dipped in chocolate because everything goes good with bacon and because chocolate is, well, "chocolate", you can use turkey bacon if you have dietary restrictions, then we drink cheap wine because that's what the shepherds had in the field when Cupid had to leave. Then you have to go door to door handing out practical gifts like rolls of toilet paper, thumb tacks or toothpaste because everyone can use them and this way you are gifting something that people want, unlike the usual gaudy ties. Honestly it's a thing.

A bit nippy out.

Today I confirmed my position on not taking down my Christmas lights, mostly because the temperature has dropped, more like plummeted, more like came crashing down to the ground. This morning was actually not bad out but now its -20 Celsius with a blowing wind that could shave the hair of your legs off. I thought better to leave them on. The odd thing about this area is this is typical, green Christmas eve and day with early fall like warmth, then freezing your jingle bells off. .............................................. Today I didn't plan it but I have been taking stock of where I am and what have I been doing. I was looking through photos of friends and all the things we were doing and more importantly why I am no longer "doing". No it's not part of a new year list or set of goals, more like, what the heck happened to where I wanted to go in life. How did I chose to get so off track, and so I started emailing everyone, to get back in touch.

Saint Cupidbunny Day!

Today is Saint Cupidbunny Day, it's the day that Cupid the angel left the other angels with the shepherds and went to seek out the Easter bunny. Upon finding him he gave him a high five and said "you're on kid" get ready with the coloured eggs and chocolate etc. This is why the malls begin to put up the Valentine's decorations and Easter eggs already. What? Too bitter? I couldn't resist, I have a bad sense of humour. ............................................ I am going through car withdrawal, my car tricked me, it went through a cycle of working fine to dropping dead repeatedly until it kicked the bucket Christmas eve. Most local garages are closed down for the holidays so I will not get it back until next week, grrrrr. Having no car in the city is annoying if you are used to driving one, having no car in the country is isolating, is stressing, is almost a type of handicap. I do have wonderful neighbours that are ready and more than willing to help. I hate asking for help and so I decline offers of assistance, mostly because I know there will be important situations where I will need a lift and don't want to over use my friend credit. .............................................. Speaking of watching tv, (see how I did that, a little rough transition but...) I was watching some comedy shows the other night and some of the younger comedians were gay. I understood why they would announce this if their act included observations on the differences between gay and straight people but I found it strange to announce that you are gay and then proceed to do jokes about work or going to the bank. We would never see a straight comedian come out and say "I am straight, I like to be with women, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the bank". I found it odd. Now watch how I end this post in a subtle way, the end!

It's 2016, please time, slow down.

New Year's day, most people have wished everyone well by now. I usually don't celebrate new year's day, it wasn't part of my culture growing up. I don't see it as any kind of a special day, to me it's not some magical beginning or ending, it's just another day in a string of days that keep marching on. .............................................. I guess this is why I never make new year's resolutions. To me if a person is going to quit smoking, lose weight or start to exercise, then just do it. If they are putting it off until some imaginary starting point, then no wonder so many people fail. I believe that if someone wants to reach a goal, then they will start to work on that goal and if they don't really want to do it, they will procrastinate. I used to joke that my new year's resolution was to never make new year's resolutions. ............................................. I have already heard people on the news saying, "now that the holidays are over" and I find that sad. It seems like there is shopping time and Christmas time. Shopping time holy days are the most concentrated on and deemed important, with all focus on shopping. Once we get to the part of family and friends getting together, well that's just a waste of time and no one is spending money so let's just rush through them. The twelve days are not up yet lol! Plus the orthodox churches will have Christmas next week. ............................................. No use fighting it, today and tomorrow the boxes will come out, the decorations will come down, the trees will disappear. The holiday served its purpose, to give light and happiness at the darkest time of the year. Brace yourself for three months of winter, (unless you live somewhere warm) the days will begin to get longer so at least we have that to look forward to.