Saturday, November 10, 2007

Dream time Dad

Once a group of us had watched the movie Spanglish with Adam Sandler. After we (all guys) were discussing it, I said the thing I got from that movie was this. The little girl that played Sandler's daughter was not "Hollywood pretty" but she and her character had a spark that came through loud and clear. I said that I would be so proud to have a daughter like that, in fact I would prefer to have a child turn out like her than one that was really pretty but shallow and vain, she was bright, funny and had layers to her personality. The reaction was mixed, single guys with no children said no, that it would be better if she was pretty, that things would be easier for her, however the Dads in the group nodded their heads in agreement, they understood, love your child no matter what but it is more important in how they turn out as a person than what they look like.

Since I have known that I'm gay from a young age, I've always also known I will never be a Dad. This did make me a little sad from time to time but it never really hit me hard until one night after a dream I had. When I entered into my thirties I guess the 'Dad' clock decided to strike the time running out alarm to try to wake me up. It was one of those alternate life dreams where I was straight, it was so detailed and felt very real to me. I was in a grocery store getting stuff for supper, I knew in my dream I had a wife at home waiting on me to hurry and bring something to make. As I was getting chicken I heard a familiar little boy's voice behind me, "Daddy can I have this" when I turned around there was a little boy coming up to me with candies cupped in his hands. In the dream I instantly knew that this boy was my son, that his name was Colin, that he was four years old and also in that instant I never felt so much love for a person that I felt towards him. With that sudden wave of emotion I could feel myself begin to awaken, I did not want to leave, I did not want to go back to being the gay guy, I wanted to stay in this world, a straight man, a young Dad out getting groceries with his son. I felt myself slipping away so I said to my son, "come here Colin Daddy needs a hug" I held on tight to him, he said "whats wrong Dad" I told him nothing so as not to frighten him and whispered good bye as I woke up. When I was completely awake it hit me hard, sudden great sorrow at the loss of never having that dream come true. Strange as it sounds, I don't know any little boy named Colin that looked like him, me in another time or dimension, if you believe in that sort of thing, possibly, I don't know. I some times wonder if that was a way for my mind to say good-bye to a life that I will never lead.

I decided to just accept the fact that Fatherhood is not for me, put those feelings in a bottle and place them on a shelf somewhere in the back of my mind and move on, there is no use in dwelling on something that will not happen. I guess some of these feelings have stirred up a little again because I have started reading Cooper's Corridor. I don't know him, he doesn't know of me, we are not blog friends, I just like the beauty of his blog. The way he writes, how he sees the world and I admire him greatly for the huge step he has taken at his young age to be responsible for two little lives. Some days when I whine about being too chicken to get out and meet people, I read his blog and think how lucky I am that this is my only problem. Like with the movie Spanglish and that sweet little girl, even though Cooper's kids are cute as kittens, when I read his blog I keep thinking that if I had a son, I would hope he would turn out to be a person like Cooper himself. Through Cooper's blog I read Kevin's post of what some children go through and I realized how blessed I was growing up. My family is middle class, we did not have a lot of extras but I was so lucky in that I grew up in the big white house, my parents were always there for us, they were solid people that let us put down roots, I had a close extended family and even a dog named Lassie, what more could a kid ask for. I am a little surprised to hear that there are so many children that need help. I always was under the impression that there were line ups of people waiting to adopt, maybe that is just for babies.

Sad to think there are people who don't want gays adopting, I guess they feel it is better to have a straight junkie raising a child than a loving gay parent. The argument that the child will grow up gay is so pointless, most gay people were raised by straight people, the child will grow up more tolerant that is all. Maybe that is the fear, maybe some people are afraid of a sub group of young straight people who can see through certain lies. Maybe their fear is that the child would be less open to being brained washed, interesting if you think about it because we know how certain groups like to control people.


daveincleveland said...

dude never say never......i was just going to suggest coopers blog, its actually quite and incredible site to read, you are still young enough you could adopt, not sure what canadian law is on single parent adoptions but there are lots of people that do it....i personally think you would be a great dad

Anonymous said...

You're never too old! And from what I know of Cooper getting his kids, it sounded a LOT easier in Canada than it was for us here in the U.S. It took almost two years before it became final. Grrrrr.... BTW, I really like what I've read of your blog so far.

Matt said...

I think I completely understand what you're saying. Scott has mentioned to me before that he wants kids - but I really don't think we have the time, patience, or resources to raise a kid the right way. I wish everyone thought of that before having a baby. In my neighborhood, there are (single) women who have 5 kids by the time they're 20 - all on welfare. It always made me so sad to ride the bus and see that. If only there was a way to require a license before becoming a parent.

Even though I'm very unsure of wanting kids, why should I not be able to adopt? I wouldn't do it unless it was well-though-out, and that kid (or kids) would be the center of my universe. Every single decision I would make from then forward would be because of them. Those who are against gay parnet adopting children just don't seem to get the fact that separates us from the rest of the world - we want to adopt because we want the very, very best for the children. How did that get twisted around to a completely opposite agenda?

Beautiful post. Someday you'll have a Collin.

W said...

While I admit that Cooper seems to do an incredible job with them cute bunnies, I am against gay's adopting especially gay couples adopting and am also against same sex marriages.

And it's not cuz of the whole stupid line of thought that gays are second class citizens.

Matt said...

W, I wish you had left a more detailed comment. Instead of telling us what your opinion is NOT based on - why not enlighten us as to what it IS based on? I'm curious.

David said...

Yes, W, I'm curious as well.

Steven said...

I can so relate to this Steven. I'm the youngest of three sons. Two are gay and one has only daughters. So there was that guilt that I have carried along that we will not be carrying on the (French Canadian) family name.

Justin said...

I have always wanted a little girl, but I know too well that she will only be a dream. Unlike you I have never seen her in a dream, but I do imagine. I have always wanted a daddy's girl. Just the thought of having a little someone who relies on you for all their wants and needs, and loves you unconditionaly. A perfect work of art that I created.

Bill said...

If I focus on the things I don't have or may never have, it's difficult to see the things I do have or can look forward to having.

Okay, your "triteness" meters should be registering full now.

I know a gay couple who adopted a child, but had to jump through all kinds of hoops even though they have solid incomes and a lovely home. They ended up adopting a child from overseas.
I know a straight married couple who adopted a child, but had to jump through all kinds of hoops even though they have solid incomes and a lovely home. They ended up adopting a child from overseas.
Children's lives don't have pause buttons. As the rolls of red tape get bigger & bigger, the kids get older & older.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave, it looks like I will be back in school for a while, my life is about to be turned over so I will not have the time to offer a child. I have accepted the fact I will not have children, there are just a lot better people, gay and straight, that will make a better parent than I would, it is only fair to a child.

Kevin, my heart went out to you the other day when you thought people may judge you, trust me - they don't have the right to, so nice to have you stop by. You have my total respect and I greatly admire you also for what you have done for your children.

Matt, I know how you feel, there is a street on my bus route, where girls all under eighteen get on with one or even two kids. The sad thing is they can't even take care of themselves.

Erik, all views are welcome here, I know you are a good guy and I think it would be interesting if you were to write a post on why you feel that way. I can link to you from this comment if you like.

David, see above. Oh and by the way, nice to speak with you, remember when you were worried if I thought you looked gay, well now do you worry if I think you sound gay? Hahaha!

Steven, I feel that way also but for me it is worse, there are so grandchildren so when I die the family ends and so do all my family's memories with me and that truely saddens me.

Justin, little girls are the ones that grow up and take care of their parents when they age, so I always thought the perfect family would be two girls and one or two boys. However as long as they are healthy and happy who cares.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bill, yes that is true about the red tape. On Sundays when they begin to show all the little kids in the world with no parents, alone, starving, it just does not make sense that there are people at their wits end trying to adopt.

Anonymous said...

I am in total agreement with Matt's post. I want a child and I would stop at nothing to make sure our child is raised in the best environment that we can provide. We WANT this child, not like so many single moms out there on welfare. We both have strong family support networks, not to mention lots of friends with kids, we would be just like any other loving family out there. just with a dad & daddy.