Once a group of us had watched the movie Spanglish with Adam Sandler. After we (all guys) were discussing it, I said the thing I got from that movie was this. The little girl that played Sandler's daughter was not "Hollywood pretty" but she and her character had a spark that came through loud and clear. I said that I would be so proud to have a daughter like that, in fact I would prefer to have a child turn out like her than one that was really pretty but shallow and vain, she was bright, funny and had layers to her personality. The reaction was mixed, single guys with no children said no, that it would be better if she was pretty, that things would be easier for her, however the Dads in the group nodded their heads in agreement, they understood, love your child no matter what but it is more important in how they turn out as a person than what they look like.
Since I have known that I'm gay from a young age, I've always also known I will never be a Dad. This did make me a little sad from time to time but it never really hit me hard until one night after a dream I had. When I entered into my thirties I guess the 'Dad' clock decided to strike the time running out alarm to try to wake me up. It was one of those alternate life dreams where I was straight, it was so detailed and felt very real to me. I was in a grocery store getting stuff for supper, I knew in my dream I had a wife at home waiting on me to hurry and bring something to make. As I was getting chicken I heard a familiar little boy's voice behind me, "Daddy can I have this" when I turned around there was a little boy coming up to me with candies cupped in his hands. In the dream I instantly knew that this boy was my son, that his name was Colin, that he was four years old and also in that instant I never felt so much love for a person that I felt towards him. With that sudden wave of emotion I could feel myself begin to awaken, I did not want to leave, I did not want to go back to being the gay guy, I wanted to stay in this world, a straight man, a young Dad out getting groceries with his son. I felt myself slipping away so I said to my son, "come here Colin Daddy needs a hug" I held on tight to him, he said "whats wrong Dad" I told him nothing so as not to frighten him and whispered good bye as I woke up. When I was completely awake it hit me hard, sudden great sorrow at the loss of never having that dream come true. Strange as it sounds, I don't know any little boy named Colin that looked like him, me in another time or dimension, if you believe in that sort of thing, possibly, I don't know. I some times wonder if that was a way for my mind to say good-bye to a life that I will never lead.
I decided to just accept the fact that Fatherhood is not for me, put those feelings in a bottle and place them on a shelf somewhere in the back of my mind and move on, there is no use in dwelling on something that will not happen. I guess some of these feelings have stirred up a little again because I have started reading Cooper's Corridor. I don't know him, he doesn't know of me, we are not blog friends, I just like the beauty of his blog. The way he writes, how he sees the world and I admire him greatly for the huge step he has taken at his young age to be responsible for two little lives. Some days when I whine about being too chicken to get out and meet people, I read his blog and think how lucky I am that this is my only problem. Like with the movie Spanglish and that sweet little girl, even though Cooper's kids are cute as kittens, when I read his blog I keep thinking that if I had a son, I would hope he would turn out to be a person like Cooper himself. Through Cooper's blog I read Kevin's post of what some children go through and I realized how blessed I was growing up. My family is middle class, we did not have a lot of extras but I was so lucky in that I grew up in the big white house, my parents were always there for us, they were solid people that let us put down roots, I had a close extended family and even a dog named Lassie, what more could a kid ask for. I am a little surprised to hear that there are so many children that need help. I always was under the impression that there were line ups of people waiting to adopt, maybe that is just for babies.
Sad to think there are people who don't want gays adopting, I guess they feel it is better to have a straight junkie raising a child than a loving gay parent. The argument that the child will grow up gay is so pointless, most gay people were raised by straight people, the child will grow up more tolerant that is all. Maybe that is the fear, maybe some people are afraid of a sub group of young straight people who can see through certain lies. Maybe their fear is that the child would be less open to being brained washed, interesting if you think about it because we know how certain groups like to control people.