Saturday, March 23, 2019
Over a Cliff Again.
I often say to people that there seems to be some disaster regarding mom every three or four months that totally blindsides us. Everything has been going well for her but I was feeling stress because the nursing home where she lives is closing. I was saddened by this because it is more like a family home than a nursing home. When the shifts change, the employees hug the clients goodbye and tell them that they love them. My mom with her limited mental capacity, still retains her smarty pants humour and will often smirk and say, "don't come back too soon" then laugh to tease the workers.
When I placed mom in the home, I was sad she had to lose her independence but I was happy to have found this place so close to me. People used to tell me not to feel guilty and I told them that I did not. I felt really good about what I had done, now she would be safe, no more worrying about her getting burned, eating properly or strangers coming to the door while I was away. I think I even blog about dropping off papers late one evening and feeling good as I left because I watched her through the window. The ladies were all sitting around, having a cup of tea while snuggled in their pj's and happily chatting. I felt that was a small gift in life.
That all changed this week, I got a call for a spot in a government run nursing home, I had 24 hours to accept. Having no other options I accepted the spot. I knew it wasn't going to be as good as private care but I wasn't expecting the disaster it is. I can only say that it reminds me of a scary movie with an institution for the criminally insane. People walking around moaning like zombies, people yelling the same thing over and over and over. The smell of urine hits you like a wall and soaks into your clothes if you stay too long.
I haven't slept since I put her there, I haven't eaten since I put her there because the stress makes me feel sick to my stomach 24/7, I worry about her safety, I worry about her humanity. I have never felt so guilty and ashamed of a decision that I made in my life, I cry constantly when I'm alone. I told my sister we need to work on an immediate solution. I need to mentally regroup my thoughts, this is affecting me like I haven't been affected by something since the time dad got sick and died.