Saturday, March 23, 2019

Over a Cliff Again.

 I often say to people that there seems to be some disaster regarding mom every three or four months that totally blindsides us. Everything has been going well for her but I was feeling stress because the nursing home where she lives is closing. I was saddened by this because it is more like a family home than a nursing home. When the shifts change, the employees hug the clients goodbye and tell them that they love them. My mom with her limited mental capacity, still retains her smarty pants humour and will often smirk and say, "don't come back too soon" then laugh to tease the workers.

 When I placed mom in the home, I was sad she had to lose her independence but I was happy to have found this place so close to me. People used to tell me not to feel guilty and I told them that I did not. I felt really good about what I had done, now she would be safe, no more worrying about her getting burned, eating properly or strangers coming to the door while I was away. I think I even blog about dropping off papers late one evening and feeling good as I left because I watched her through the window. The ladies were all sitting around, having a cup of tea while snuggled in their pj's and happily chatting. I felt that was a small gift in life.

 That all changed this week, I got a call for a spot in a government run nursing home, I had 24 hours to accept. Having no other options I accepted the spot. I knew it wasn't going to be as good as private care but I wasn't expecting the disaster it is. I can only say that it reminds me of a scary movie with an institution for the criminally insane. People walking around moaning like zombies, people yelling the same thing over and over and over. The smell of urine hits you like a wall and soaks into your clothes if you stay too long.

 I haven't slept since I put her there, I haven't eaten since I put her there because the stress makes me feel sick to my stomach 24/7, I worry about her safety, I worry about her humanity. I have never felt so guilty and ashamed of a decision that I made in my life, I cry constantly when I'm alone. I told my sister we need to work on an immediate solution. I need to mentally regroup my thoughts, this is affecting me like I haven't been affected by something since the time dad got sick and died.


Bob said...

Take a breath and talk with your sister.
You'll get it done.

Deedles said...

I'm so sorry, baby! That sounds like a place well suited for my late mother but not anyone else's. I agree with Bob. Breathe, talk, get it done. I wish I could wrap you up in my flabby arms and semi-ample bosom because cyber hugs seem so ineffectual at this time. My arm flaps would make you feel so much better. Talk to someone, anyone!

RB said...

Can you move her back? I would be concerned too.

Jimmy said...

My only sibling was groomed to take care of my parents. My sister died before my mother and here I was - clueless and alone to make decisions. Talk to a professional, whether religious or medical, for options, plans, and solutions that are best for YOU and your mom. And, take care of YOUR total self and well-being as well. You must be able to go to bed at night and know you did the best you could.

It's a tough situation.

John Going Gently said...

Jimmy is right and bob is too
This is too big an issue to fight in its entirety
Take that deep breath and look calmly at your options

Old Lurker said...

I agree that this is an awful development, but I don't think it is "your fault". You made the best decision you could given the circumstances.

I am tempted to give you advice but I am sure you and Sis are thinking through all the possibilities, and that you are going to do what is best. If you can make one of those possibilities work (even for the short term) then you might consider it.

Hearing that you are not getting sleep worries me. That is a great way to invite another disaster. Can you see a therapist to talk through this? (I am being serious, by the way.)

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

I agree with Jimmy. Find help/advice ASAP. You guys may be able to mitigate this unfortunate situation and maybe find a better solution.
Best of luck, bae. 👬

Leanna said...

Government-run facilities are the pits. When I was in my early teens I went to an "Old Folks Home" as part of a charity group with my Catholic youth group at my church. I was not ready for the disparity and abuse that I saw that ran rampant. Yes the smell is bad, I remember it to this day and when my time comes I will commit suicide rather than end up in one of those places. Talk to your sister and quickly look for better options. There is help out there. Good luck and I hope you are successful for your sanity as well as your mom's sake.

Richard said...

The other commenters have given good advice. I wish I could give you a big hug. It will get better.

1st Man said...

I too have been there. My Grandfather had to go into a nursing home (my Dad who would have handled all this passed unexpectedly at 58 so it fell to me and my Mom). We started off in one of those places and I felt much the same as you. Guilt, shame, etc. So I researched options, and we got him into a VA nursing home that had just been built in the state he lived in. It was the "crown jewel" as they called it, of the entire VA system. It was indeed a blessing. A great place, clean, great staff, etc. I know there is nothing like that option for you but I share that to say don't give up. Get with your sister, find some other options and don't give in to those feelings. You'll get through this.

Hugs to you!