Sunday, March 24, 2019

Contemplating life... again again.


 I was sitting in a chair thinking... thinking thinking thinking about the situation we are in with mom and about life in general. The phone rang and it was my aunt, she was wondering how things turned out with mom, I gave her the bad news. She then shared her bad news, a neighbour of ours passed away, a really sweet lady always friendly, always smiling, I'm good friends with her children, I'm going to miss her. Somehow she managed to turn 82 when I wasn't looking and left us suddenly.

 Apparently she sat down to eat breakfast and suddenly died, I think that's probably a good way to go considering what mom is going through. I sat back down to resume my thoughts on life. It's ironic that I just received that news because I was thinking about how I feel the world is flying apart on me. I also feel like the floor has collapsed beneath me and I'm just hanging on to the walls most times. Not only are my parents gone but my entire community of family and friends are mostly gone as well. It's the beginning of Steve's end times, life used to be so much better, everything seems to be falling apart around me.

 I heard an interesting Ted talk however, it said that life wasn't better when we were younger. We just think it was because the adults sheltered us from a lot of the hardships. The way people often do now as well. The person said that also when we are younger, we surround ourselves with young people so we don't actually see a lot of the problems people are experiencing. The person said that we only think we were happier back then.

 Maybe I wasn't happier, just unaware. It seems easier but there would be no benefit to going back to being ignorant. It made me think back to when I was finished high school and my parents were the age that I am now. My mom was worried about her mother because she became forgetful and they had to hire a house keeper to cook, do laundry and watch over her and grandpa. Later she was upset because of the treatment grandpa got when he had to stay in the hospital (full circle). Dad was worried about his mom but she was luckily still very independent and two of her daughters began to take turns and stay with her. The stress of the decisions were kept mostly away from us and I only realized it when dad died leaving mom behind.

 The difference now is that the community is much smaller, there is no one to lean on. I rightly or wrongly feel there is also some sick irony in the fact that my friends mother who was still smart as ever, is gone now, while my mom suffers through life in some dizzying bad dream that she must feel like she can't wake up from. One minute she is a young woman searching for her children, the next she is a girl waiting for her parents, never allowed to go home and always, always, always surrounded by strangers.

 My friends will come to me unfortunately for help with the arrangements of their mother and sadly I can't help them, I'm done.

28 comments:

Old Lurker said...

Probably we only think we were happier back then because we were happier, because (as the talk notes) we were sheltered, and ignorance is bliss.

I agree that dying at the breakfast table is not a bad way to go. I'm hoping for a quick heart attack/stroke myself, which should work well so long as nobody tries to "rescue" me.

I don't know that you have nobody to lean on. Your friends might lean on you. Can you lean back?

I'm still very sorry that you are having to deal with this stressful situation. You are a good son. I hope you will take care of your own health in addition to figuring out your mom's housing situation.

Deedles said...

Sweetie, you've got me really worried about you! Please try to find someone you can vent to. Don't let this mood fester! Mood is too simple a word for this, but it is all I can come up with. I'm not going to spout any platitudes (hell, I can barely spell it) about whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger (I hate that one). I just want you to know that you are loved very much here in blogworld (there has got to be a prettier word for that). If you have to cry and suck your thumb for awhile, do so! It works for me. Just don't bury yourself, okay. Hugs and forehead kisses, honey.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I know you will do the best that is possible for your Mom. You have broad shoulders and can handle this. Does your sister live nearby? If so, perhaps you and she can tour a few different nursing homes together. Some are better than others. Do not despair, you will find a decent place for your Mom. Just regard the one she's in now as temporary -- she had to go somewhere, right, since that other one was closing. So she's safe and cared for at the moment and you will continue to look and advocate on her behalf.

Christina said...

This is a hard read, Steven. But you speak the absolute truth. You have to keep going, moving forward. It will be resolved. There is an answer.
Sending love and hugs to you.

Bob said...

I agree with Lurker, ignorance is bliss. Too bad we have to let that kind of ignorance go as we get older.
And part of that is having to face the hard truths. You'll do the best thing for your mom, and your friends will do what's best for theirs. But you do need to find someone to lean on, and if it's someone who readily leans on you then it's time for them to help out.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Absolutely! It was that we never really noticed many things when our parents were there to smooth things over for us or when life didn’t testus so often. You are trying to be a dutiful son but remember there may be people able to help you. You should not try and do everything on your own. It’s always good to delegate and ask for help.
Please keep us posted.

XoXo

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Thank you OL, we are trying to have her moved. This really makes me think about my future as well, with no family to look out for me, I'm terrified at the thought of losing my independence.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, first I cried and cried, now I'm pissed and I'm starting to get help with the situation. Thank you for caring. :)...

Richard said...

I'm sure your friends will understand that you can't help. You need to take care of yourself for now.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, thank you, people are reminding me that I was only trying to do my best. One of my worries however is that I no longer feel she is safe, and she is left alone all day with no interaction.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Christina, thank you. We're working towards a solution.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bob, thank you, yes we are working on it. Who knew being an adult was so stressful!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, I will keep you posted. Yes you are right, I was trying to do everything on my own. Now I have people searching out solutions.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Richard, I have been told not to worry about the arrangements for my friends, they will be taken care of.

Deedles said...

Oh, look at you, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps! I don't have any idea what a bootstrap is, but I hear they're excellent for pulling oneself up with.

Leanna said...

We forget that sometimes we need to take care of ourselves. It's something that is inbred within our psyche. We must help each other first, ourselves last. It's time you thought of yourself a little because no one is going to do that for you. Ground yourself, understand your problems, solve them one by one, then help others that are in need but always think of yourself first even if it's just a teensy little bit. I learned the hard way that no one will be there for you when the walls give way.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, I don't know what a bootstrap is either (must google) but I guess it's better than being pulled up by a jockstrap! O.O

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Leanna, there's a lot of truth to what you are saying. I lost ten pounds since last Wednesday, there's not much of me to begin with, I'm no good to mom worn out. I am a worrying type of person that develops into full anxiety that becomes hard to control.

Old Lurker said...

Ten pounds?! While part of me wishes I could lose 10lbs in a week, I don't think the Stress and Anxiety Diet is the way to do it.

I am very glad that you are not trying to carry all of this on your own shoulders. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

OL, funny but I always think of you as a skinny guy, I'm taking it then that you are not. It's funny how we picture people in our heads like a radio host and soon believe that is what the person really looks like, only to be totally surprised by what they really look like.

Jimmy said...

I am the last of the last. No blood relatives left. You do have a sister, correct? Lucky you!

I picture you as looking like the guy in the Trivago commercials. HAWT!

Go buy yourself a new sex toy. That's what I did today. It will get your mind off things.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, no I don't look like him but I agree.. he's a hottie! What would I do with a sex toy, I'm too stressed, maybe use it as a paper towel dispenser?

Yes I have a sister, it's just us now.

Michael said...

Steven,
I am sorry you are going through all of this. This must be so hard. Please know you are in my thoughts.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Michael,thank you buddy.

Old Lurker said...

I am obese bordering on morbidly obese.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Thanks for your honesty OL, hopefully you understand me enough by now to realize that I won't be judging you.

Old Lurker said...

Don't worry. I can be judgemental enough for both of us.

You got rid of your chickens and bunnies?? :( :(

Sooo-this-is-me said...

OL, yes I got rid of them all last fall. I missed the rabbits the next day when I went in and saw the empty cages, some I had for three years. I didn't have the time to properly take care of them and I was feeling worn out. It was a good decision because the winter was brutal here.