Monday, March 25, 2019
A Bird in the Hand.
There's that old saying, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". I vaguely understood the meaning behind it but never really gave it much thought. I find myself in that position relationship wise. There are a group of guys I talk with and have coffee with. Nice bunch of guys but nothing is really coming out of our friendship. Most are hard to read, most don't seem that interested in me. Some suddenly run hot then become cool with me. The answer is "NO", I am not sleeping with any of them, if they want the milk, they need to buy the cow... or bull?
There is one guy however, I've mentioned him before, I never felt any attraction towards him ever. His looks, personality, benign masculinity have never pushed any of my buttons, I often felt bad about that but it is what it is. The thing is.. he cares about me, he answers all my emails and messages. He constantly wants to do things together, he recommends restaurants we could have supper at, he sends me lists of gay books and movies he has enjoyed. He is interested in what I am doing, he believes family is important, he believes looking out for family is important, he tells me all about things that are interesting to him, he is a very kind person. "Your sweet nature darling is too hard to"... ignore. I am really starting to like this person a lot.
Then comes my dilemma, clearly this man is after me, I pretend to ignore it but I see what he is doing. I don't want to hurt anyone, I think he's awkward and nerdy but sweet. I can't help think however that I'm not getting any younger, let's face it there is no Prince Charming coming to get me. He would have been taken by now. The only half decent guys left that are trying to find a boyfriend, are late bloomers that also have a wife at home, I want my own husband and not someone else's. That leaves me to wonder, could this be my last chance at having some sort of relationship. Part of me thinks it's not fair to start a relationship with him if my heart isn't in it. Another part of me thinks why not give it a try and see what happens. I could try a friendship that includes cuddles and hugs, he also asked if our friendship could include sex. I told him I worry that could ruin our relationship, he said that we are adults and should be able to handle it. I worry he would get attached fast.
He is seven years older than I am and lived in the closet all his life. I guess he sees time running out on him and wants to be his true self. I think he would be crushed if we started a relationship and I backed out. Sadly I think I might be his only shot at a relationship, most gay men would reject him. How stupid will I feel however if in five years I'm still alone, no one caring about where I am or what I'm doing when I could have had a "someone" with me. Is it stupid of me to think about the birds in the bush when one is trying to land on my shoulder and be at my side.
Posted by Sooo-this-is-me at 8:46 PM
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Ok, let me say this: one cannot get in a relationship because one’s ‘running out of time’. What are you? 98? Same with him.
He’s into you, I think. So take the next step and get him in bed. If it doesn’t work, don’t push it. It has to work in and out of bed. If you stay with him cause he’s a ‘great guy’ or cause ‘Time’s running out’ it’s not gonna end well and you’re going to end resentful and staying with him to’not hurt him’. It’s a nightmare. Been there, done them.
And while we’re quoting song lyrics, don’t go for second best, baby. Put your love to the test.
Sixpence, some days I feel 98. Ok I'll shag the guy and see what that feels like. Sorry also I couldn't help myself and left a smarty pants answer on your post about three-somes.
For what it's worth, here's my two cents -- I think you're putting the cart way before the horse. You cannot tell right off the bat if someone is going to be "your husband" or with you "long term." If you keep those "holy grail" factors as your criteria for having sex, you're never going to have any. But be explicitly crystal clear right up front with him that although you're willing to try "friends with benefits," nothing more than that may come of it. Then give the guy a chance!
if your instincts says 'no' then do not settle.
On the other hand no harm trying things out until your guts are certain.
Of course you would worry that he would get attached fast. Somehow everybody who sleeps with you falls desperately in love with you. You should take that Steven factor and bottle it.
Are you doing an okay job of keeping your internet usage under control? Are you getting enough sleep?
Another part of me thinks why not give it a try and see what happens. - THIS! DO IT! NOW!
Wouldn't it be funny if he dumped you after the first date because he thought you were lousy in bed?
back to lurk mode
If your in a relationship there's a h8ge difference between content, or happy. I have friend questioning their relationships. I always ask.... are you happy...or just content?
I might add also if your going to be in a relationship, best to be attracted on all fronts....personally, attraction and in the sheets.
My half cent worth: Stop listening to your biological clock and live your life. I know several biological clock kids who have miserable parents. As for the sex thing, I found that intimacy outside of the bed makes intimacy between the sheets so much better. Never mind me. My experience, before Balder Half, was a couple of child molesters and one statutory rapist, so I should probably just shut up.
You can't be responsible for being his only shot at a relationship. You also can't settle for him just because you think you'll be alone in five years. It's a difficult situation. I've been with guys who were great in bed but outside the bedroom we had nothing in common. I've had the opposite too. I suggest trying a FWB situation but you need to discuss the parameters to make sure you're both in agreement as to what is expected.
I say go for it. The saying goes, "you never know until you try it." He may just turn out to be the "one" you have been waiting for, or not. But you will never know until you try.
Steven, This is a conundrum. Though I don't know this guy nor have I ever seen the two of you together, my gut feeling says to start exploring a relationship on a more intimate level, but take is slowly. If it is not meant to be, it won't happen. Maybe you'll be surprised and discover that as you get to know him more as a person, and you like what you see, then maybe the intimate parts will fall into place.
Follow your heart.
open you heart and keep an open mind.... Usually the ones that are the best fit dont trip all the lustful triggers.... Intimacy, care for one another, and shared goals in life are what make a strong and supportive long term relationship.
Debra your two cents is priceless to me! :) Some good points to think over.
Dr Spo, my instinct says, "meh... I don't know what to do"! Lol
The wrong people get affected by my super powers, the guys I want seem immune to them. :(
Plus OL, I fell off the wagon again with the internet thing. I am starting to get some sleep.
Anne Marie, that's what I like about you... to the point! :)
Jimmy, that's too funny, don't you dare go back to lurk mode, stay in comment mode. Nobody ever accused me of being lousy in bed, after all I am a Scorpio and a ginger, we're noted for being horny little buggers.
Maddie... says the guy with thirty seven boyfriends! :p
Just kidding, I agree with your comments.
Deedles, you are right, sex is different from making love... that sounds like an adult Hallmark card!
Richard, you are making sense as usual.
Leanna, I intend to further the friendship and see what happens.
Michael... or you could just move to Canada... lol!
JP, oh no! That means I will be dating chocolate chip cookies!
Hello Kent and welcome, I've always liked the name Kent. What a lovely comment you left.
I LOVE gingers! I married one!!
Jimmy, a very smart thing for you to do!
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