Thursday, February 28, 2019
Thoughts on the way home. "Home"?
Driving home this evening, I was a little late from working longer hours and stopping for gas. The sky was clear, which is something completely rare this year. I could still see some twilight as I was getting close to home, the clock read 6:58 pm, that made me feel hopeful, maybe spring hasn't forgotten us after all.
During my travels it was announced that the lead singer of the band Talk Talk had passed away, he was 64. That was an eighties band I used to listen to, another part of my youth gone and it makes me feel sad but at the same time, I am getting used to it. Then it was announced that the actor Luke Perry suffered a stroke, at first I was wondering what the heck happened, they said the "aging actor" is 51, oh yes... I remember now, we are entering our senior years, that still shocks me, I forget that I'm not in my late thirties anymore. I never watched 90210 but I know who he is, I remember thinking he was smoking hot.
Try not to think about it, try not to think about it, just keep driving towards home. Define "home", I never thought the day would come when the farm no longer feels like home. At first it was my anchor when dad died, the one thing that wasn't changing and I clung to being there. After a while however, it did begin to change. When I had to place mom in a nursing home, it began to change for me, it took on a different feeling, not the same comforting feeling as before. It became more like a museum to my parents than a home. Now however two years later as I approach the place, it almost feels like a burden, something tying me down. At other times it almost feels like a library book, I'm just borrowing it for now until the next person gets it.
Sometimes I feel that the farm is an entity and I'm doing it/her a disservice by staying here, I'm holding her in limbo, whereas a new family would breath new life, new ideas into her. I am ending my stages in life with her, someone else would be a beginning. My only hope is that they will see her for the beautiful lady she is, with all her rich history, landscapes, plus nature... and not just as a business with barns.