Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Back around again.


 Today is a snow day so I'm home from work, I have never seen it snow so much... so fast. The next person who says the climate is not changing, will get a snowball to the head. The levels of snow and the size of drifts this morning are beyond belief. It seems like every second week we are breaking some bizarre record.

 I was visiting with friends on Sunday and one asked how are things going, she knows all my issues and so it wasn't a general, "how are things" where I am supposed to be polite and just say fine. I just shrugged my shoulders and said it's the same crap over and over and over. I told her the same issues that I complained about a year ago have all come back, as they did the year before that and the year before that. It seems that I tackle each one and eventually everything is finally settled, when all of a sudden, a law changes, companies change or something else changes and everything falls apart and I am back to square one.

 One of the things weighing heavily on me now is the nursing home where mom stays has decided to close, they gave me six months to move her. I had a chance to move her last fall but left her there because she is happy and they never told me they are closing until after I turned the other place down. Mom has a social worker that helps us navigate through the system and is helping me place her. Unfortunately the place we like most has a huge waiting list, we can place her in another home until the one we want has a spot open.

 It was hard the day I left mom where she is now, one of the hardest things I ever did. I knew it was for her own good but I felt partly like I was abandoning her and also partly like she had died, her body was still alive but by placing her I was admitting to myself that "mom" was gone. Now I have to do that all over again and this time maybe twice. I am one of those people who can't let things go, this is stressing me out (plus many other problems), I feel this is going to shorten my life.

 My aunt called me for a shoulder to lean on, she is married to my mom's younger brother, unfortunately he also has dementia and is almost at the same level as mom. She is trying to care for him while waiting for a spot to open as well. I can hear the stress in her voice. I felt so horrible when she said that by placing him, she feels that she is abandoning him, she cried a little. I'm pretty blunt and told her the truth, that it will feel awful but once the dust settles, she will see it was for the best. I told her to make sure her daughter is with her to make it easier. Then she said something that people in our situation will understand immediately, there is a saying that "alzheimer's or dementia in a person, is the longest funeral a family has to attend".

9 comments:

Bob Slatten said...

A lot of people don't understand that the caregivers, the family, aslo need to be taken care of; I volunteered in hospice care a few years ago, and just the few hours the family members could get away while I sat and chat and joked and read to their loved one did wonders.

I hope you can get your mom where she needs to be as quickly as possible, and hope your aunt can find some kind of help with her husband.

Mike said...

I have no words for you, Steven, just virtual hugs.

Leanna said...

I hope you get her into the place you want. You deserve a vacation, darlin.

Christina said...

Sending love and hugs, dear Steven. Xx

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Sorry to hear your Mom has to move to a new place. I hope you are able to find one that she'll like with a shorter waiting list.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

*HUGS*. I feel you. Have not done the whole Nursing Home thing but Bob it’s right: the people who drop the parent/relative at the home also go through a traumatic experience.
Try to take it slowly and let the social worker do the heavy lifting with the paperwork and all that. They’re experts!

XoXo

Michael said...

My heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing your story. Hopefully you writing your thoughts down helps you in some way.

Old Lurker said...

:(

Didn't you just move your mom to a home with more services? Now she will have to move again? I hope both you and your aunt will find good care homes soon.

Richard said...

I'm so sorry to hear this news. I wish I could be there to help you.