Wednesday, January 2, 2019

One last Christmas goodbye.


 Well another holiday season over, all the effort into which ever or whatever type of holiday people took part in or didn't take part in, the lights, songs, wishes, parties, gifts, movies, stories, cartoons and food, food, food. All over, now we settle down for winter but at least we know the darkest days are behind us. This holiday season didn't feel like it flew by, it feels to me like Christmas was a month ago instead of only a week. I'm actually still in a holiday mood, I am going to leave my decorations up until the weekend. I want to try and have people over before I take them down. Watching Charlie Brown Christmas clips on YouTube just recharges my Christmas spirit more lol. This was a good Christmas for me.

 I don't mean that anything extraordinary happened over the holidays, to be honest it was a lot less exciting than other years. I just mean that I didn't feel lonely or lost as I have the last two Christmases. I am surprised that I am still here, I thought last Christmas was my final one on the farm. I think that is what made it easier, I have said all my goodbyes to past memories and traditions. I have accepted moving on from here. This is probably going to be boring to most people but it's something I felt I wanted to put down in writing to look back on.

 There was one final goodbye that I wanted to make for myself, one final acknowledgement. Christmas day was beautiful here, a clear sunny day and not too cold, in other words a good day to drive. When the sun began thinking about setting, I took mom to her seniors home but I didn't want to return home myself just yet. I wanted to return to where I used to be celebrating Christmas at this time of day, my grandparents house. We were close to all our grandparents but more so to my mom's parents, we spent every Sunday there. At Christmas we would have a Christmas lunch and then go to my grandparents house. It was the typical hallmark movie, country Christmas. A huge gathering of family, lots of fun, lots of food and there was a skating rink across the street. I know now how lucky I was to have that.

 I drove to the town where my grandparent's house is, I parked across the street where the rink fortunately still exists. No one lives in my grandparents house now, no one has lived there for about five years. I shook my head at the contrast of the house being in total darkness, unkempt snow filled driveway and path. Compare that to Christmas lights, people, laughter, talking, smells of cooking the usual Christmas stuff of old... but eventually everything changes and I'm ok with that now, I don't feel like life has a vendetta against me.

 It wasn't a negative experience, it just was an experience. In fact the center was beautifully decorated in lights and Christmas trees, some of the surrounding houses were also well decorated so it wasn't a total gloomy feeling. I don't really remember our last Christmas there, once my grandparents started to get ill, holiday plans changed. I wanted closure of some sort, so as I drove away, I said softly to myself, Merry Christmas grandma and grandpa, thank you for the great memories. Then I proceeded down the back roads that would take me home like we used to do. I was thinking that it has probably been more than twenty five years since that happened, driving home with the bright moon shining on the snow, I was remembering all the times that we had done that as a family, tired and full but still a little bit excited at the end of a fantastic Christmas day.

18 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Acceptance of change and moving on are good things! They make space for new possibilities and opportunities.

Deedles said...

There you go, waxing poetic again! Very pretty. I just want to know, how do you kempt unkempt snow?

Leanna said...

It's time to start making your own Christmas memories. Next Christmas time, start making your own memories with friends and loved ones. David and I are making our own memories because everyone else in our families are much too busy to be part of anything with us. Those are the people who will wish they were part of the fun and love in the holidays.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, that's my new word, "acceptance" that's the only way to keep going in a healthy manner.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, the driveway is unkempt, not the snow smartypants! I was trying to type un-kept but it was changed by the ever powerful spell checker and the definition still fit so I left it.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Leanna, yes that is my goal, I have already warned my sister that if I'm in a good relationship, that we may celebrate our own Christmas else where. It would be sad that mom would have to celebrate in the home but she is no longer fully aware and it's time I have my own life now.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Change is good. And you need to create your own traditions, carve your own niche. We all can and should have the people we choose to be with us at any time. Trust me, a chosen family is as good or better as our natural one.

XoXo

Richard said...

It's a lovely memory to have.

Old Lurker said...

Did you go skating?

mistress maddie said...

I do the same thing, or should say did the same with my grandparents.

Are you bringing these things up so I will feel bad and give you hugs and cuddle with you? Because if yes, it's working Mr Smoothie.


And A Happy New Year to you cutie pie!!!!!

anne marie in philly said...

since spouse's parents are gone, we 2 celebrate on our own. his brother & sister-in-law are freaks. and my own family is too toxic. not a big del. "make your own kind of music".

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, I know what you mean, I have to admit the last really happy Christmases I had were with my last boyfriend. There is something extra special about celebrating it with someone you love. I felt the old childhood magic when we were celebrating it together. After we broke up, my dad was dead, mom had dementia, Christmas was meaningless to me, actually it was an annoyance to me.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Richard it is, now that I'm older I see how lucky I was to have something like that, most children don't have that.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Old Lurker, I don't have skates. One sad thing, there wasn't a single person there. Mostly because you have a better chance of seeing Bigfoot in that village than a child.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Maddie, you don't need an excuse to cuddle me! :)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anne Marie, yes lol I know people with family members like that. Better to make your own holiday traditions, besides they are about enjoyment, who needs a hassle.

Vivian Swift said...

What a beautiful farewell. It's a gift, to be happy and to know it. I'm glad that your memories still make you content and, what Leanna said, it's time to make your ow memories. I don't have any doubt that you have a knack for making the best of good times.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Vivian, thank you. I have come to understand that I will make the holidays as happy or as sappy as I want them to be. It's up to me and it's pointless to look back other than to say thank you to the people who got me this far.